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Jesper yawned and stretched out his long, limbs, feet stretching over the end of the bed, arms pushing up against the soft, padded headboard. He turned, half awake, to reach across beside him, a few seconds of bliss before the stone sank into the pit of his stomach once again, as it had done every day for the past month when his yearning fingers met with an empty space.
Wylan. His beloved. Red curls, eyes of the brightest blue. A sweet, musical, intelligent soul. A beautiful man inside and out who he was meant to spend eternity with. Instead they’d had barely a year. And then he was gone.
A trill and a mew and he was joined on the mattress by one of the only positives to have come out of the past month.
“Good morning Mr Ginger Biscuit,” Jesper smiled tentatively, fluffing up the long fur of his new companion, who purred and rolled over in greeting.
“I know, I know, it’s late. I slept in again and you’re hungry, right?” Jesper slid out of bed, grabbed a crumpled ivory-coloured shirt to wear and buttoned it up as he padded down the hallway to the small kitchen.
“Chicken ok?” Jesper asked, opening the pantry and taking out leftovers of a roast a neighbour had brought for him a couple of days earlier but he’d not touched. “You live like a Prince don’t you, hmm?” Jesper reached down to stroke the cat that was weaving around his ankles. “Well, it’s not as though I’m gonna eat it and it needs using up so chow away my fluffy friend.”
Jesper piled some of the chicken into a bowl and the cat dug in.
A cool breeze blew through the living room from the windows. He had left the shutters open again overnight. Birdsong was coming from one of the bushes close by. A beautiful tune, cutting through the air like a knife. He spotted it in the leafless early winter branches. It was a tiny thing, no bigger than a tea cup, dark with a green sheen to its feathers. What it lacked in size it more than made up for in voice.
Wylan had a beautiful voice too.
Sometimes in the evenings they would sit together, Jesper on piano and Wylan singing songs of longing and hope and love. Like an Angel sent down to bless Jesper with these heavenly sounds.
The room was devoid of noise from within now. But the sound of the little dark green bird echoed around the walls and provided a little respite every morning. Perhaps it was because he’d been so busy, wrapped up in work and more often than not his limbs wrapped up in Wylan’s; or perhaps the room had always been full of laughter and happy chatter before. Whatever the reason, he’d only started to notice the birdsong this past month and he was most thankful for it.
A month ago everything had been perfect. He and Wylan were happy. They lived and loved and even worked together. They were about to stop working. Had planned to go travelling. They just had one last job to do for their friend and ‘boss’, a dour-looking gentleman named Kaz Brekker who they both knew had a heart of gold despite his tough exterior. Kaz hid a warmth that resisted coming to the surface after a lifetime of struggle and grief. Jesper and Wylan could see cracks in Kaz’s veneer whenever he was in the presence of another colleague and friend of them all, a delicate but deadly Suli named Inej. Their love had been in its infancy and now it had been snuffed out.
There had been six of them at one time: Jesper and Wylan; Kaz and Inej; Nina and Matthias. Three couples who were going to change the world, and had partially succeeded.
Kaz ran a club in the Barrel, the roughest part of town. The Crow Club. Despite enduring a serious injury to his right leg that necessitates the use of a cane to walk, Kaz is the toughest person in the barrel these days. Was. Everything is past tense now . He’d rid the place of the only competition over the past year. The city was a much better place for it.
Jesper and Wylan had done plenty of work for Kaz, bringing down rich, powerful folk who took advantage of the poverty-stricken and the exploited. They used any means necessary, but their work was always cleverly planned and plotted by Kaz. Inej was handy with a knife or three or four and had the uncanny ability to sneak in and around the city unnoticed; Jesper was a gunslinger who never missed a shot; Wylan was their demolitions expert, concocting compounds and mixtures that could get them in and out of any tight spot. Almost any. Their little band was completed by Matthias, a tall strong Fjerdan who had a gentle, thoughtful manner and remained calm under pressure; and finally Nina, a Heartrender who could manipulate pulses, quickening them to breaking point or slowing them to zero.
But then everything changed.
That one night a month ago they’d been reduced in number from six to one.
They’d always managed to overcome obstacles together and fight the merchants, gang bosses and thugs who swindled, hurt, trafficked innocent youngsters into the skin trade or housebound slavery. But their last foe had been something altogether different, something otherworldly using a kind of magic that was rarely seen in the world because none were evil or powerful enough to wield it.
A grey mist had rolled into the harbour, and from within it a figure had emerged, dark and coiled and seeking them out, Wylan had looked up to where he knew Jesper was poised and given him an encouraging smile. Seconds later he would be gone.
They’d been hired by royalty, huge reward, warned darkness was coming, told they needed to stop this creature before it came into Ketterdam. And stop it they did, but in the explosion of magic and gunpowder that downed the being, Jesper’s five friends were reduced to atoms. When the dust and ash cleared nothing was left.
Jesper had been the watchman, with the advantage of higher ground in a warehouse window ready to snipe and shoot at the enemy as it arrived. His gunfire was useless against the power of the being. He watched as the bullets fizzed and spluttered despite seeming to hit their targets. And then there was an explosion, a bright red light, fire, and a bright white light too. The lights danced and tussled together in the air then rushed to the ground before a pall of mist and smoke radiated outwards and upwards, replacing the deafening noise with an even more deafening silence.
Jesper was almost hypnotised by the symphony of light and dark.
He was too far away to protect his friends.
His lover.
But he had to reach them. He ran and ran and ran and arrived in the harbour yard.
Others were arriving too, the flash of light having drawn attention.
Jesper had stood there in the midst of the rumblings and puzzled faces, numbed and confused and helpless.
He didn’t remember how long he’d stayed there. Didn’t have any memory of getting home. He only remembered two things from after the explosion: the first was watching the grey mist recoil, but it had looked different, like it was being pulled back by another force and he thought he saw another figure in the shadows as it left. A figure in white. The coiled being disappeared within, swallowed.
The other thing Jesper thought he remembered was a wolf padding through the streets, watching him as he walked at a distance. It was weaving between people but nobody else seemed to notice, or if they did, they didn’t care.
Jesper thought both memories strange, but nothing made sense anymore and he wasn’t sure what was real and what was his mind trying to come to terms with the tragedy that had befallen them that night.
Tragedy? What tragedy? Surely it wasn’t true? Perhaps it was all just a nightmare and he’d wake from it as he had done many other nights; woken with a jump and a yelp to find Wylan stroking his cheek and whispering that it was ok, he was there. And then Wylan would kiss Jesper’s forehead even though it was beaded with sweat, and then Jesper would nestle into Wylan and curl up against him back into a more peaceful sleep.
Yes. This had to be a nightmare because nothing this strange and terrifying could possibly be real. And this level of loss was incomprehensible. So it couldn’t be real either.
~~~
He had awoken the following morning to the sound of birdsong at the window, the rustle of the remnants of late autumn leaves on the ground and in the air. The world felt different, like he didn’t belong in it anymore.
He’d stood up. Suddenly became incensed. Why was he still here? Why couldn’t he have been taken with them? How dare they go where Jesper could not follow, and leave him here on his own? He’d kicked the door with force. Punched the panel and made a fist-shaped indent which then split the wood in different directions. He’d screamed at the top of his lungs but nothing seemed loud enough. Then he’d fallen to the floor into a stunned silence.
The cat had appeared later that day, cleaning its paws on the balcony outside the floor to ceiling windows. It was huge, ginger, fluffy, with big eyes that made Jesper feel like he could give it the world.
Having the cat there felt like his friends were looking out for him somehow, and had given him this creature to take care of, a creature weaker than him and dependent on him. The fact it was ginger like Wylan, that was a nice touch. Today it made him smile briefly for the first time since the..since...the smile was brief because the next moment he was knocked sideways by a wall of grief that engulfed him from nowhere. He sobbed, grasped helplessly at the air around him. Repeated one word over and over and over and over and over and over.
“No”
Time passed. How long he couldn’t tell. The brush of soft fur, the push of a pointed jaw against his cheek, the gentle bat of a paw at his face. He couldn’t move.
A clatter.
Jesper had looked up to see the cat had jumped onto some shelving and knocked down a bunch of packets and tins, upending a box onto the counter. Aha! So this was Wylan’s emergency biscuit stash? Jesper had always suspected it existed but here was proof. These ones were his favourites, stem ginger and oatmeal. The cat now had a name.
It had shaken him from his stupor. He had snapped into action.
“Oh dear Mr Ginger Biscuit. What were you looking for there, hmm? Are you hungry? Let’s see if we can find you something better to eat.”
Jesper pulled out some bread and cheese from the pantry.
“Not sure if you’re allowed cheese sandwiches. It’s good stuff. Wylan has expensive taste. But I guess I’m not hungry so here you go.”
The cat had devoured the lump of cheese and the bread, then ambled back to jump onto its perch on the balcony.
~~~~
Jesper looked out of the window. The bird was there. Watching.
Can birds watch?
Where had it come from? Silent now.
“Hello Inej,” Jesper mused.
Sleep was coming for him again. It was the only place he felt like existing anymore, because that’s where he saw Wylan…. Kaz, Inej, Matthias and Nina sometimes twirled around in his dreams too. But usually it was just Wylan. Wylan smiling, a giggle that sounded like a wind chime in the breeze on a late summer’s evening. Eyes sparkling. Freckled, pale skin blushing at one of Jesper’s lewd remarks or suggestive innuendos. Wylan kissing him. Embracing him. Just Wylan.
But sleep couldn’t find him. He had used the last of the drowsing elixir from the apothecary. They had come to see him in the aftermath, brought him the draught. Said they had other options if it all got too much. Said to come and see them when he needed more. He did need more.
It was only a short walk to the apothecary. He’d been out once or twice since the world had changed, out of the front door and into this alternate universe where other people didn’t seem to realise that life had shifted irrevocably. How could things just go on?
The few friends who survived in the world outside the six of them had come to see him in the first week or two. Offering support. Bringing food and drink. Staying with him to keep him company. It seemed that after a couple of weeks he had been expected to carry on by himself. Everyone else had their own lives which had inexplicably carried on regardless.
Outside the apothecary, Jesper flinched as a solitary crow fluttered into the air and landed clumsily on a nearby branch, lifting its right leg up and down as it let out a raspy “cawww cawww”. Jesper had another momentary grin. “Hi Kaz,” he mumbled, “Fancy seeing you here.” The crow scowled back.
Jesper shook his head and entered the apothecary.
~~~
He dreamed he was on a ship. Wylan was there, sitting on a bench, an open book on his lap, sketching the shoreline as they departed the harbour. He looked up at Jesper, blue eyes smiling at him with pure devotion in the sunlight.
It was evening when he woke, curled in a ball. Or maybe it was night. It was dark, at least. The days were so short this time of year. It was hard to tell.
Mr Ginger Biscuit nestled into the hollow between Jesper’s calves and thighs. It was comforting to have some weight there. Another living being.
~~~
Two months had passed. He had no idea how he had made it this far.
He had seen the wolf again. Several times, whenever he ventured out for a break from the house. Again everyone the wolf passed was unworried by its presence. Unmoved even. Everyone that is apart from a little terrier with brown fur and green eyes who scampered alongside it feverishly, flapping her long floppy ears as she moved.
Nina has found Matthias, Jesper hummed to himself.
That’s nice.
~~~
Three months.
Is he really alive?
Is this living?
Or just existing?
He drifts in and out of sleep
The apothecary has given him a much stronger draught. He’d grown too tolerant of the original formulation.
He wakes to the brightest sunlight he’s ever known in Ketterdam. It’s usually a city of rain and fog and shadows.
A figure in the room. In the corner. Dressed in white.
“You,” he says.
The figure nods.
It beckons.
He follows it to the harbour. Down to where it all happened.
Did it happen?
It doesn’t matter anymore.
Jesper knows it’s time to go.
He doesn’t mind.
Wylan is waiting for him.