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“Your hair is so long now, you should cut it.”
“But I like it long.”
“Hm? I like it short, though.”
Renjun was reminded of that two-month-old conversation when Donghyuck walked in with his new look—his black hair, round and fluffy. The rest of the members reacted before he could, crowding him and commenting on his new look.
“It’s about time,” Jeno laughed, patting the back of his head.
“You should’ve cut your sideburns more,” Jaemin chimed in.
Donghyuck pushed past them and walked over to him. Renjun could almost see an imaginary tail wagging behind him, “I cut my hair. Do you like it?”
Renjun released the breath he didn’t realize he was holding and tilted his head, “Jaemin’s right. You should’ve cut more off the sides.”
-
Donghyuck had been quiet the past couple of weeks. Renjun noticed he wasn’t clinging onto him like usual and his attention was being spent elsewhere. It was out of character for him as he had made it his personality to be obsessed with Renjun over the past two years. He hadn’t noticed how lonely he was without someone fawning over him 24/7. There was no point in sulking, so he decided to take a quick nap before their pre-recording for Broken Melodies started.
Being on stage rejuvenated Renjun, there was no place else he would rather be than soaking in the cheers from their fans and performing with his six best friends. He felt arms wrap around him before he heard the fans roaring louder than before. He turned around to see Donghyuck clinging onto him as he did before—but Renjun couldn’t help but feel irritated at the sudden show of affection after going radio silent on him. His brain reminded him of the lonely waiting room and the sight of Donghyuck across the room, laughing a little bit too hard at Chenle’s joke.
Renjun shrugged him off and grabbed him by the sleeve, pulling him to the side out of view of the cameras. He was angry and he felt his hands sweating, but his voice didn’t falter, “Donghyuck. Don’t act like we’re close in front of the fans.”
“What? Stop playing, Renjun, you know I’m always like this.”
He went to grab his hand, but Renjun pulled it away before he could make contact.
“I’m serious.”
The pained look on Donghyuck’s face unlocked a new type of hurt inside of Renjun—but the angry side of him was both his strongest and weakest persona, so that was what he stuck with. His flaming eyes blazed into Donghyuck as the silence grew between them. It felt as if Renjun was on a raft, slowly floating away from the double-decker cruise ship that was Lee Donghyuck. If he were forced to swim, would he head for the shore or hope the yacht would throw him a life jacket and rope?
“Okay,” Donghyuck said. “Come on, let’s go perform.”
-
Renjun was possessed with the sinking feeling of checking social media. He kept replaying the conversation between him and Donghyuck. Well, calling it a conversation would be a stretch. It wasn’t as if they were breaking up or anything, they weren’t even a couple. Donghyuck’s pining was always one-sided, so it didn’t make sense to Renjun why the thought of losing their twisted dynamic tied his intestines into tight knots.
I’m regretting my haircut
It’s the last one, so look at it
Renjun’s stomach dropped at the screenshot of Donghyuck’s bubble message making its rounds on Twitter. It shouldn’t mean anything to him, but it does. The only people that knew about their conversation were the two of them. Renjun couldn’t help but come off as harsh, but he was frustrated—was he only good enough to love in front of an audience of witnesses to his unraveling?
He threw his phone on his bed and grabbed a fistful of his hair, struggling to push away the thoughts of his obnoxious teammate. That was what he thought of him: obnoxious.
Donghyuck, who called him cute every chance he could get. Donghyuck, who bombarded him with kisses like it was his last mission on Earth. Donghyuck, who never cared if Renjun caught him staring with doting eyes. Donghyuck, who called him one night drunk off his ass and told him he loved him.
Renjun, who stayed silent on the other line—counting the trembles in his breathing. Renjun, who told him to stop drinking and not to call him anymore. The white noise turned to silence. Renjun, who couldn’t hang up because he was clutching his shirt, his chest tightening at the slurred words.
Donghyuck, who hung up first.
He was in the middle of the ocean. There was no land. There was no boat.
Aimlessly drifting in an unresolved limbo.
-
“Didn’t you say you liked me the most? Why have you changed?”
“No, but what time are you talking about?”
Renjun couldn’t remember the last time it rained. He stretched his hand out, palm up, and watched as the droplets bounced off his skin. Even after the water rolled off him, the wetness remained—his hand would dry eventually, but he wanted to bottle the remnants.
“Didn’t you say you liked me?”
“When did I ever?”
He stared at the birthmark on his hand and then at the clouds in the sky. He wondered if he was cursed to be followed by gloom for the rest of his life. The memory of soft lips brushing the mark was branded into his skin, if he looked hard enough he’d be able to see the outline burning in red.
“Renjunie and I have gotten to a point in our relationship where we’ve lost feelings for each other.”
“Renjun and I have gone cold to each other now.”
“Renjun pushed me away.”
He stared at his palms again, tracing the creases with his eyes. They were small and delicate but held more power than he ever could have imagined. It stopped raining, but the droplets continued to fall. He caught each orb of liquid only to watch it dissipate into his pores. He looked up at the sky but the sun, too, vanished. It wasn’t until he felt it roll down his cheek that he realized he was crying. It was never raining.
-
Renjun was at a crossroads.
He recognized his position as the person who rejected Donghyuck time and time again. It wasn’t that he thought he was putting on a show, he just never allowed himself to explore his feelings for anybody. Donghyuck was the opposite of a stranger, he was his best friend. He thinks about all of the times they went out to eat, or to the movies, or on the days they didn’t do anything but enjoy each other’s presence.
Renjun remembered the emptiness he felt when Donghyuck went away, whether for work or personal reasons and how he never felt whole until they were reunited. The times they shared a bed on trips, they would hold one another throughout the night, basking in each other’s warmth. Donghyuck always started singing first and Renjun joined in, completing his harmony.
He laughed the hardest with Donghyuck around. There was never a dull moment in his company and knowing how quickly his busy teammate could get ripped away from him, he treasured those moments. His favorite color was yellow and Donghyuck was the personification of yellow, with his bright personality and warm smile. Renjun wished to capture his light, bottle it up, and keep it safe—rationing it for whenever he missed the sun at night.
He never noticed he was falling for Donghyuck the entire time.
It felt strange being on the opposite end of things. Renjun wanted to monopolize Donghyuck’s attention, he wanted to be the only one he looked at. He knew it was selfish, but he woke up that morning sure of his feelings. His only wish was that he wasn’t too late.
Don’t act like we’re close in front of the fans.
His own words echoed in his brain, sending vibrations through his entire body. He was back on that stage with a foul taste in his mouth. Donghyuck was still distant, showering other members with the attention that used to be reserved only for Renjun. He wanted to show him that he was different now, too.
Showing affection was not something he was well versed in, but he mustered up his courage and walked up behind him, his scent ever so smothering. He wrapped his arms around his head and made a heart with his hand directly in front of his face. Renjun couldn’t see his expression, but he was no stranger to body language. He stayed like that for a couple of seconds, hoping Donghyuck would feel his desperation and turn around to tell him everything was okay.
Renjun’s arms fell to his sides and Donghyuck didn’t as much move in his direction, it was as if he didn’t exist at all.
On average, it would take a person three minutes to drown.
Renjun would argue it would take not even ten seconds.
-
The long day played back in Renjun’s head on a loop. He was on his way home from their last schedule and the stress he put on his body was finally catching up to him. He groaned at the soreness in his shoulders as he shifted his body in order to look out the window.
His attempt to get Donghyuck to look at him failed again at their fansign. He was aware that there were probably more effective methods than making a variation of hearts in his direction, but with cameras on them the entire day, it wasn’t like they had much privacy. Even during their downtime, it was impossible to get him alone. If they weren’t working, the members tried to get as much sleep as they possibly could, Renjun included. Still, he couldn’t help but want to invade Donghyuck’s space even in his dreams.
Renjun’s apartment was quiet and clean. He wasn’t entirely accustomed to living on his own yet, but he knew he couldn’t live in the dorms forever. The other members started to move out one by one, leaving Renjun to be one of the last ones to finally get a place of his own. He didn’t have pets like Chenle and Jaemin, so it was always silent when he got home from work.
He retired his overworked body onto the couch despite wanting to scrub the makeup off his face. Sleeping felt pointless, he had to wake up in a few hours anyway for another schedule. It wasn’t that he was ungrateful for having work, he just wanted to feel human again. He wanted to feel loved again.
“Ugh,” Renjun couldn’t go on like this anymore.
He grabbed a baseball cap from his collection, put it on in reverse, and stepped out into the midnight air. Renjun knew he had to do it now, there wouldn’t be another chance. He navigated the foreign city he learned to call home, breathing in the summer night air.
After a single bus ride, he made it to his destination. The door in front of him appeared to be three meters tall and Renjun wondered if he should just turn around and go home. He shook his head and took a deep breath in. The time never crossed his mind when he rang the doorbell, in their field, sleep didn’t come easily.
The door swung open and a flustered Donghyuck stared at him.
“Renjun?” His lips automatically formed a pout when he said his name, “What are you doing here?”
Donghyuck’s face was bare and his hair was damp enough where it wasn’t dripping. He wore basketball shorts and a plain white T-shirt. Renjun thought he looked comfortable, like someone who had been living alone all their life.
“Can I come in?”
Donghyuck didn’t say anything, he just moved his body aside. Renjun smiled softly and walked in, pretending like his legs didn’t feel cemented into the ground. He examined the cozy dim-lit living room. There was an indent on the couch where Donghyuck must have been relaxing and on the coffee table was a glass of beer resting on a coaster.
“Do you want anything to drink?”
Renjun shook his head. He knew it was better not to drag this out any longer.
“Hyuck,” his voice betrayed him, trembling on the single syllable. Donghyuck definitely heard it, too, judging by the way he furrowed his eyebrows. He cleared his throat before starting again, “Why aren’t you clinging on to me like you usually do?”
Donghyuck cocked an eyebrow and Renjun shook his head. That wasn’t what he wanted to say at all. It wasn’t until that moment that he realized he had no idea what to say—he wasn’t even sure he was capable of vocalizing what he was truly feeling.
“You’re the one that told me not to act close to you, or did you forget?”
Donghyuck’s voice was flat and his eyes were empty. Someone turned off the sun and Renjun was struggling to find the switch.
“No, I know. That’s not what I meant,” He brought his fist to his head. “What I wanted to say was-”
“Did you come all the way over here to struggle through some improvised speech about how much you miss me and want to go back to how things used to be? Because if that’s the case, you can leave now.”
Renjun felt his heart drop to his stomach. Donghyuck had never spoken to him so coldly. He reached out to grab his arm but stopped right before they made contact.
“You’re drunk.”
He scoffed, “I had two sips, Jun. I’m definitely not drunk.”
“Then why are you being like this? I thought you loved me.”
“I did love you!” He raised his voice before remembering the time. Returning to a calm volume, he continued, “How much longer did you want me to kiss your feet for? Or does my time not matter to you? Let me guess, you lost me and now you’re realizing how lonely it is without me showering you with attention? I’m tired, Renjun. Go home.”
“Donghyuck,” He took a step closer, bringing his hand to his honey cheek. “I love you.”
Renjun searched for a glint in his dull, dark eyes, but was lost in the bottomless abyss. His thumb ran over the constellation of moles on his skin. He didn’t know much about stars, but he imagined them falling and made a silent wish.
Donghyuck’s lips were right in front of him—the ones that knew him well. He felt them on his cheeks, neck, and even hand, but he yearned for a taste. Renjun leaned in slowly, giving Donghyuck enough time to pull away if he wanted to.
“Renjun…” The younger said right before they made contact.
“Just once, Hyuck,” Renjun was desparate. “If you still feel nothing, I’ll leave.”
He didn’t respond.
Renjun pressed his lips against Donghyuck’s soft ones. He never fantasized what their first kiss would be like, it was never a thought that crossed his mind—but this didn’t feel like a first kiss.
Donghyuck didn’t react at first. Renjun’s hands moved to his hair, grabbing clumps of dampness as he pressed into his face harder. His tongue poked at the iron wall in front of him. Renjun was dizzy. Donghyuck was unresponsive but his lips felt alive, he wanted more.
He pulled away, resting his forehead on Donghyuck’s. His eyes stung but he refused to open them. While trying to find words to say, slender hands found his face, pulling him into an open mouth kiss. The bitter taste of beer rushed into his mouth, mixing with the salty taste of tears. He wasn’t sure whose tears they were, but if he wasn’t crying before, he definitely started at that moment. Their mouths were in a hurry, neither boy knew how to hold back. Every motion was packed with repressed emotions. Renjun bit down hard on Donghyuck’s lip and let out a loud sob.
“Donghyuck,” he tried again with his eyes still shut. “I love you.”
The silence was filled with soft pants from both bodies. They were no longer touching, Renjun didn’t even know where he was standing anymore.
“Junie,” Donghyuck sounded closer than Renjun imagined. “You should go home.”
Renjun finally opened his eyes, meeting the same cold and distant eyes from before. They were dry in contrast to his that were still overflowing. Donghyuck’s lips were swollen—it was hard to see with the lack of light, but he might have also been bleeding. Renjun brought his shaking hands to his own lips. He couldn’t feel anything besides the continuous flow of tears streaming down his face and the empty eyes staring at his vulnerable, disheveled state.
“I,” His voice was hoarse. He didn’t have a thought—he just wanted to speak to stay for a little bit longer. He wasn’t ready to go home yet. Not when he just got a taste.
“Renjun,” Donghyuck’s voice was the lowest he’d ever heard it. “For the sake of our friendship and the team, you need to leave. Go home. Wash up. And get some sleep. We have a schedule in a few hours from now and you can’t show up looking like that. People will ask questions. So, please, let me go. I loved you for two years, I’ve already let you go.”
Renjun nodded slowly, understanding every word as it traveled from his ears, down his throat until it pierced him through his heart. His letters were sharp.
Renjun headed for the door without looking back. It didn’t feel like a first kiss. It was a selfish kiss on both of their parts. Renjun harbored so much guilt from pushing Donghyuck away and when he was finally healing from the hurt he put him through, he reopened all those wounds. Renjun didn’t care if Donghyuck didn’t say “I love you” back, he only cared about satisfying the craving that tingled in his mouth. He was too late—but he wanted to take something with him, even if the spit on his tongue would dry by the time he got back home.
Meanwhile, Donghyuck knew he moved on, but after years of rejection, he was finally able to claim Renjun’s mouth. There were no sparks. Not for him, at least. But he ignored the aching in his heart and focused on the heat emanating from their mouths. When he cut his hair, he hoped Renjun would compliment him. When he didn’t, there were no feelings of sadness—there were no feelings at all.
It wasn’t a first kiss.
It was a last kiss.