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The first time was on his 4th Birthday.
It was a slightly chilly November day. Jihoon and his relatives were all huddled in the backyard as they all celebrated. Food was passed around and Jihoon was just happy to see all these people celebrating him and his successful 4 years of life.
His mom disappeared into the house in the middle of everyone celebrating, but Jihoon was still a clingy kid and went into the house by himself to find his mom. He was a curious kid, slowly waddling his way to the kitchen where he heard his mother’s voice.
Mrs. Lee was preoccupied with the phone, but Jihoon was preoccupied with the 4 candles on his birthday cake. Jihoon had seen candles before, but they were always out of reach, immediately pulled away from him once he had blown them out and made a wish.
This time, however, it felt so reachable. As if he just extended his hand, he could touch the ever-burning flame with his fingers. Of course, if there was one thing a 4-year-old was good at, it was following their impulsive thoughts.
He got on his tippy toes, reaching for the shiny flame. His fingers met the fire, and he got burned. His fingers went numb and he started to cry, his mother noticed and cradled his burnt fingers, immediately carrying him to the sink to rinse his hand in the water. Jihoon would never forget the look of worry and panic on his mom’s face as she studied the now-red fingers he used to touch the fire.
The second time was on Wonwoo’s 19th birthday.
Wonwoo made the unfortunate decision to let Jeonghan and Joshua surprise him for his birthday party and that’s how he ended up flushed and drunk on the couch. Jeonghan hosted a party at his house, which didn’t seem off at all, but then decided to bring out the secret alcohol bottles he hid from everyone else that wasn’t Seungcheol or Jisoo for public use, except for the 3 maknaes.
Jihoon was still 18 at this point and was trying to take care of a drunk Soonyoung since that guy didn’t know how to handle his liquor. Soonyoung was a lightweight, and an affectionate drunk too, trying to kiss Jihoon’s hands as much as he could or wrap him in a tight hug. Jihoon somehow managed to subdue him, the older was knocked out in the guest bedroom, effectively making his night way easier.
Joshua found him trying to rid Soonyoung of his shoes as he settled his friend on the bed since he knew Jeonghan would kill all of them if any of his furniture got ruined by stains or vomit. He helped him wrangle off the pair of sneakers and they left Soonyoung in the room to have his goodnight beauty sleep.
“Have you drunk anything yet Ji?” Joshua had asked him while holding a shot glass. He shook his head. Jihoon had never had a drop of alcohol in his life, sure, he went out and watched his friends slowly spiral into different iterations of the word ‘drunk’ but he never had.
“Come on, try this. Just a sip.” Joshua urged the tiny glass to him, Jihoon stared at it hesitantly before reaching for it. He slowly brought it to his lips and gulped it down in one go.
The burn of alcohol was different from the burn he got when he was a kid. It wasn’t a numbing pain that burnt off his fingertips, it was something else he struggled to find words for. It started at the back of his throat, then it spread down his esophagus until it spread through his whole body. Engulfing him in a flame of pure warmth and a faint buzz under his skin, Jihoon understood why people were so flushed and red when they drank.
He gave the shot glass back to his hyung, closing his eyes from the sudden burn. “Yeah, maybe not. That’s the last of the alcohol I’m having.” Joshua just laughed and patted him on the back in understanding, “No worries, just glad you got to try it at least once.”
Jihoon eventually got a coke in his hands and stayed in the guest bedroom with Soonyoung, just in case he woke up and somehow ran away. Soonyoung’s quiet snores accompanied the hiss of his cola as he remembered the burn that alcohol spread throughout his body.
The third time was when he realized something about himself, and his relationship with his best friend.
It was their 2nd year in College, Jihoon was a music major and Soonyoung was a dance major. Jihoon realized it when he was watching Soonyoung dance his new piece.
They had been through a lot as a pair, he’s been the one to stop the dancer from crying when he scraped his knee as an 8-year-old, the one that nursed him through his horrible hangover when they were seniors in high school and Soonyoung was the only person who had the guts to enter Jihoon’s producing studio unannounced since he was the only person he wouldn’t dropkick on the spot.
Jihoon realized it when he noticed the way Soonyoung’s face scrunched up while thinking of choreo ideas. He realized it when all he could think about was Soonyoung’s movements, his eyes, and the way he licks his lips when they get dry from all his dancing, he realized it when all he could think about was Soonyoung.
Jihoon didn’t want to come to terms with this conclusion, he didn’t want to admit he liked his best friend. But he couldn’t shake the thoughts out of his head. He couldn’t stop himself from wondering if the thought ever crossed his friend’s mind at least once. If the soft touches, the back hugs, and the lingering stares meant anything more to Soonyoung.
It got worse when he asked Jihoon to write him a song for his finals performance.
The thought of spending hours locked in a room alone with his best friend he has feelings made him want to turn it down but he couldn’t do that to Soonyoung. So Jihoon said yes, swearing an oath to himself that he wouldn’t do anything stupid.
A few days later, they sat quietly in his studio together. Soonyoung dragged a nearby chair so he could sit closer to the screen. Jihoon made up a new track with some elements from another one he already had on his computer that he knew Soonyoung liked.
The final project was something Jihoon was proud of. It had a sultry and sensual beat that was alluring and immediately captivated the dancer as Jihoon played the track for him, he watched as Soonyoung closed his eyes to listen, to feel the music. He could practically hear the gears that turned in his head, the dancer piecing together ideas for a choreography that fit this. The building blocks were clicking, Jihoon knew it.
“This is great, Ji! You’re the best producer.” Soonyoung tackled him in a hug, making his entire body burn. It reminded him of the burn of alcohol, how it spread throughout his entire system, covering it in an endless warmth. He knew he was probably flushed and red now, but he persisted and just froze.
“Who do you think we should get for the vocals? Maybe we could ask Seokmin or something, who do you think?” Soonyoung asked as he pulled back, Jihoon ignored his disappointment when the warmth of Soonyoung’s arms slipped away. He instead was too distracted by the small distance between their two faces. He could feel his breath on his cheeks and he pretty much couldn’t tear his eyes away from Soonyoung’s perfectly kissable lips.
Soonyoung’s eyes darted to his lips too, and he felt his face heat up.
“Well it’s your song, I think it’d be pretty cool if you sang it yourself. Your voice would suit it well.” He said as he moved away, adding more distance between them, taking a second to calm down from his flustered self. Jihoon wasn’t lying, Soonyoung’s voice was unique and was something he knew would go well with the track. But his best friend still looked at him shocked, “Do you think it’d go well? With the song?”
Jihoon took a second to stare at Soonyoung’s face, his eyes filled with sincere curiosity. He nodded, “It’d be great.”
“I’ll send you the demo so you could think up a dance. You need to get a good grade on this or else I’m never making you another track.” Soonyoung’s laughter filled the studio. Jihoon practically heard the smile in his voice as the dancer replied with a quick okay.
When Soonyoung left that night, the producer locked himself in his studio. He curled up on the couch as he remembered the warm embrace, the safe feeling of being in his arms, his breath on his face, and the burning feeling when Soonyoung put his hand on his, the way anything he did set Jihoon’s entire being on fire.
Soonyoung was an arsonist, he realized, and Jihoon was his most recent crime. A burning fire started to set aflame inside of him, and he didn’t know if anyone could put it out.
The next week, Soonyoung was nowhere to be found. Jihoon was getting anxious, he found himself even biting his nails at his disappearance. Even in the studio, he couldn’t focus because he kept thinking of how his best friend was doing.
It wasn’t uncommon for Soonyoung to disappear during the heavy weeks, he was too busy with his projects. Jihoon knew that, but he also knew how much of a perfectionist he was, knowing that he wouldn’t rest until everything was shiny and polished to perfection. Last time this happened, Soonyoung didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, and probably only consumed water for that entire week. The producer didn’t want a repeat of that, so he went to Jun and Wonwoo, two of their best friends, and asked them where he was.
To which Jun replied, “He’s in the practice room. He’s been there all week, I doubt he’s left the room for anything but bathroom breaks.” Jun also was busy choreographing his performance but Jihoon knew that he wasn’t the type to let himself go like that, not when he had Minghao to scold him and Wonwoo to judge him.
Jihoon sighed—Of course, he was there—and took off, running straight to the dance building. Soonyoung liked practicing in studio B in particular so he made sure to run there first. His ears picked up the familiar beat of the track he gave him and pushed the door open. To his surprise, Soonyoung was upside down and had an array of pull-up bars lined up.
“Oh hey, Ji.” He said as he noticed the producer walk in, launching himself off the equipment. “Pull-up bars?” Jihoon questioned with a brow, “Leave it to you to be creative.”
Soonyoung lightly laughed, his eyes turning into small crescents. Jihoon took a second to study his face, and he could probably spot every difference. There were visible bags under his eyes, probably from a lot of late practices, his face seemed to be a bit skinnier, he must’ve not been eating well and his hands were red, from what he could assume were the pull-up bars. “Oh no.” Rang in Jihoon’s head. “Have you been eating, Young?”
Soonyoung seemed taken aback at the question, “Well, I do eat. I’ve just been busy.”
“With practicing? All week?”
“……Yes.”
Jihoon sighed for the nth time that day and put his hands on Soonyoung’s firm shoulders, urging him to sit down on a nearby chair. “I’m getting you food, don’t you dare move a single muscle.” The dancer shut up, lightly nodding his head in response. He knew not to mess with Jihoon, not when he was this serious.
Jihoon messaged Wonwoo to bring over some food and in a record time, Wonwoo stepped in with some takeout. Soonyoung couldn’t deny it, the smell of kimchi fried rice was too good to pass up.
“Eat.” Jihoon pushed the rice in front of him, and Soonyoung couldn’t help but think about how Jihoon threatening him to eat out of pure concern was cute.
When it was the day of the actual performance, Jihoon brought Wonwoo with him to support their friends. Half the campus had filed into the performance hall, and they luckily managed to grab a seat in the front row and the two of them got settled as the rest of the hall buzzed in excited chatter.
The Professors sat at a long table at the front, almost looking like a panel of judges since they were to grade the performers. Suddenly the lights dimmed and Professor Yoon came on stage to begin the program.
The first few performances were great, most of them were self-choreographed dance covers but some were dancing to original songs. Jun’s performance was great too, something unexpected from him with its funky but captivating beat. He immediately knows that Jun’s getting a high grade for this, and if he didn’t, well they had the entire theater as a witness to the masterpiece.
After a few more performances, it was finally Soonyoung’s. The lights dimmed and pull-up bars were rolled onto the stage, the crowd exploded when the music started, the lights illuminating the upside-down figure.
Jihoon couldn’t take his eyes off of the stage, his eyes couldn’t focus on anything else besides the presence on stage that dominated everyone’s attention.
Soonyoung’s hair was silver, his outfit black and white, his fingers detailed with rings. Yet the most captivating part of it was his eyes, his expression, the slight smile now and then that set Jihoon aflame. It was like a match, falling into gasoline, an immediate fire.