Work Text:
Seungkwan is on the train on the way to Seoul and the winter landscape comforts him and makes him sad at the same time. He has everything he ever asked for, so why does he feel this ache in his heart?
Once he arrives, he makes his way to the bus stop. The cold air makes his nose and ears red and he rubs his hands together to make himself a little bit warm. Distracted by the snowflakes falling, he does not notice the figure that passes by him.
“Seungkwan?” a voice calls. he turns, surprised, and finds an old familiar face looking at him with the same shocked expression on his face.
“Vernon?”
“holy shit, it's really you” Vernon exclaims, “it's been a long time, hasn't it?”
Seungkwan takes a second to respond, too overwhelmed to utter a sentence.
“almost ten years, huh” he manages to say in the end.
Vernon looks at him for a few moments, seemingly lost in thought. then, he asks
“Were you going somewhere? we could, uh, go somewhere warm, catch up if you want”
Seungkwan wants to say no. he can feel his heart already aching.
“I was just going home, but sure, we can do that” he finally replies.
Seungkwan is warming up his hands on the hot coffee mug, trying to recover from the cold outside. He doesn't dare to look up just yet, too scared to see those now so strange brown eyes looking back at him.
“Remember when we spent New Year's together here, in Seoul?” Vernon finally says and Seungkwan looks up, finding those eyes that he used to see the entire universe in. Maybe he still does.
“I do. Your flight to LA got canceled and we celebrated in my apartment” when he says that, seungkwan tries not to sound too nostalgic.
“Do you still live in that same apartment?”
how could I keep living in the place where everything reminded me of you?
“No. it was far too small”
“hm, yeah, even though I feel like it was really cozy” If Vernon is disappointed, he does not show it.
Seungkwan gives him a small smile “It kinda was”
Vernon takes a sip of his warm tea, and a few minutes of silence falls between them. It's not awkward though, it never was with Vernon. they could sit for hours in silence, in each other's arms, and nothing else mattered during those moments.
“What about you? do you still live in New York?” Seungkwan tries to start the conversation again
“No, I moved to Seoul some months ago. I wasn't sure if that was the right decision, but I needed to leave New York” the other answers, looking down at his mug. Seungkwan wants to ask why, but he hesitates.
“How come I didn't bump into you the past months? I walk that street often” Vernon continues
“Well, I was in Jeju for a while and then I visited Busan too. I only now returned to Seoul”
“But you're staying here though, right?” Seungkwan swears he can sense hope in Vernon’s voice, but tells himself it's only his imagination.
“I am” he smiles again and takes another sip
“Can you explain how this world has never had a story that is happy from the beginning to the end?”
Vernon ponders over the question Seungkwan asks him. They're lying down on Seungkwan’s bed, in his small apartment in Seoul. He has his arm wrapped around Seungkwan’s shoulders and the latter is running his hands over Vernon's waist, soft as always.
“Happiness is not a story. Misfortune is”
Seungkwan seems to think about this for a while. when Vernon thinks he's not going to reply, Seungkwan says
“Then I don't want to have a story with you”
Vernon smiles and tugs Seungkwan closer to him, feels the warmth of his body on his own, a feeling that has become so familiar Vernon thinks he hasn't known anything else.
“Are you seeing anyone these days?” the question shakes Seungkwan, he did not expect vernon to be so bold.
“No. I have dated people here and there these past years, but nothing serious” he answers honestly. “you?”
“I'm not seeing anyone either,” vernon says
“But you dated” it sounds more like a statement than a question, even though Seungkwan didn’t want it to.
“Yeah. I had a pretty serious relationship that ended a couple of years ago”
There it is. That hits Seungkwan in the gut because how did Vernon date someone seriously while Seungkwan could not commit to anyone because he couldn't forget him?
“Did it end badly?” Seungkwan dares to ask.
“Well it wasn't horrible, but we don't speak to each other anymore” the other replies. “how come you never dated seriously?” he asks because he knows Seungkwan was always the serious type.
because I'm still in love with you. because the only thing I can think about when I'm alone is the way you used to look at me. Seungkwan wants to yell at him. He wants to grab him by the shoulders and scream and make him understand that, after all these years, Vernon is the only one that makes him feel alive.
“Don't know” he shrugs instead “I never met someone I wanted to be serious with” he doesn't look Vernon in the eyes when he says it, because he feels like he will be able to sense that he's lying.
Silence falls on them again. Seungkwan wants to ask so many things. he decides to say nothing instead.
“do you wanna walk a little outside?” Vernon finally suggests.
“how have you been these days?” Vernon asks, of course he does. he knows Seungkwan better than anyone else. Seungkwan can feel his eyes heating up. He tries to stop the tears. but he cannot help but be honest. he’s always been a bad liar anyway.
“not at my best” Seungkwan hates to admit it, but these past months have been really awful. “but it'll get better, I think” he wants to believe the words he says so much.
Vernon gives him a sad smile “I'm sorry to hear that. I really hope it gets better for you”
“what about you?” Seungkwan almost interrupts him
“I'm okay.” Vernon shrugs again, not saying anything else. he seems closed off, not the Vernon Seungkwan knew. The one who always spoke his mind and was always honest about his feelings.
They arrive at the bus stop. Seungkwan has lost count of the times they've been here together. His face feels hot, and he hopes it’s dark enough for the redness on his cheeks not to show.
“it was nice catching up with you-”
“why did we break up?” Seungkwan asks before he can stop himself.
it takes Vernon by surprise. he doesn't seem to know what to say and just stares at Seungkwan for some seconds.
And Seungkwan immediately regrets it. it's a question he's asked himself numerous times over the past ten years.
“I'm sorry, that was so out of pocket from me” Seungkwan apologizes
god, what is wrong with me? he thinks
“no it's-” Vernon interrupts him. “it's fine. I just think it was really bad timing. for both of us.” he tries to give Seungkwan a smile but fails.
and Seungkwan wants to cry again. tears threaten to start flowing. He looks away, pretends he's cold and rubs his hands on his shoulders. All he wants to do right now is hug Vernon tightly and feel his warmth. He needs to feel Vernon’s arms close around him and smell the scent he was so familiar with. More than anything else, he needs Vernon to look at him and tell him he suffered as much as Seungkwan did after they broke up.
“Seungkwan I-” Vernon tries to say something but he cannot finish his sentence.
They do not speak for a long time. Just looking at each other's eyes, they can see all the things they wanted to tell each other but never did. the air is cold. Seungkwan is out of breath, like he’s been running non-stop. He waits and waits for Vernon to say something.
Finally, Vernon sighs and asks with a shaky voice “If you hadn't left, would we be any different right now?”
Seungkwan looks at him with teary eyes and asks back.
“If back then, you had the courage to get on the train, I would have stayed with you forever,” he says, not unkindly.
And now he cannot stop the tears from flowing and Vernon finally, finally opens his arms and hugs him tight, a hug Seungkwan needed so desperately he could feel every inch of his body relax in Vernon’s hold.
And when Seungkwan hears Vernon sob too, he starts crying harder.
“You have no idea how hard it has been for me these past years,” Seungkwan says between shaky breaths. He hasn't admitted that to anyone out loud.
Vernon hugs him tighter “I'm sorry Seungkwan. I'm really sorry. I know it was hard. I was hurting so much too”
Seungkwan turns to look at him. The one person who truly understood him, saw him for who he is and loved him nonetheless — the person who supported him through everything.
Vernon is looking at him too, and he takes Seungkwan’s face in his hands and wipes the tears that flow with his thumbs.
“I've been missing you more than anything these past ten years” Vernon confesses, and leans closer to kiss Seungkwan.
When his soft lips touch Seungkwan’s, the latter melts into the touch and kisses him back with everything he has.
“I still love you, even after all this time,” Seungkwan whispers into the kiss, so quietly that he's scared that Vernon will not hear him. But he does. He always did.
Vernon breaks the kiss and replies “Me too. I still love you the way I did. I've always loved you”
Tears flow from Seungkwan’s eyes again, but a smile appears on his lips. he leans in for another kiss and vernon closes his arms around him tighter.
They stay like this, for a while.
They end up in Seungkwan’s apartment, on his bed, limbs tangled together.
Seungkwan in Vernon’s arms again, hands running up and down his waist. the familiar feeling they both missed more than anything.
It still hurts, but at least now they have each other. Right now, the only thing Seungkwan needs is this. the ache is there, but now they both know it’ll all be okay.
“I promise I will never leave again” Seungkwan says, before drifting off to sleep in the arms of the person who knows him more than anyone else.