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"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU HOMO!"
I stumble back— maybe a step, maybe two— but I can care less. I blink once, trying to pull myself out of this crazy nightmare. Surely my Adu won't say something like this, right? My Adu is an angel, he saves me, he cares for me, he takes me out of my shadows and brings me to the light of this world. He would've understood me, would he not...?
I blink again, and the reality splashes upon me like the cold water in the month of December, and I forget how to breathe. Fuck, I don't even know how my legs hadn't given up already.
Those words, I heard them loud and clear.
Something breaks inside me.
'This is not real. This is not real!' my thoughts repeat that like a mantra inside my head. But I can feel the cold air of Nilgiri on my skin, I can feel the burning in my eyes, and even though I try to forget it, I know all of this is very very real.
I want to run away, I want to go back to my shadows.
The light of the world is too dark anyway.
"You are just like them. I thought- I-" I had thought I'd never hear myself say that to him. My Adu was nothing like Dev, or Rajat, or Suyash.
But then again, do I know Adhiraj Jaisingh at all?
I can see his eyes that turn a darker shade of brown as he stares at me, panting for every single breath of his. I can see his slicked black hair and how a few strands have made out of it in a disarray. I can see his fingers that curl and uncurl and curl again before rubbing against his uniform pants.
My vision goes hazy.
He stands right there, the school captain, all-rounder, straight-A student who has a girlfriend who loves him and cares for him and friends that love him and care for him.
I stand right here, a freak who is too weak to fend for himself from those monsters that lurk in the shadows, and who has none but one guy who helps him up back to his feet, and I love this guy.
And he doesn't.
And then he goes away, leaving the shadow boy all to himself, our promised forever a distant wish.
The world darkens.
I finally find it in myself to move. A decision makes itself clear in my head-- I care about Adu leaving, not Adhiraj.
Sniffing, I run over to my own desk. If he can leave, then so can I. I don't care about our final goodbyes, they died as soon as I heard those words coming out of his mouth.
"-YOU HOMO!"
What does he think he is? What gave him the right to say that when all this time, all this fucking time I was right by his side, listening to all of him and trying to understand all of him? I sat through his nightmares and held him when he used to cry missing his parents.
And he walked all over me and then left me when his turn came around.
He really did think he was the only one going away, but I can do just the same.
'To
The Dean
Nilgiri Valley School
Respected sir,
Due to my grandfather suddenly taking ill, my parents Mr. and Mrs. Raman request you to put me on an overnight bus tonight itself for Kotagiri .
Sincerely
Ninad Raman'
I thought I'd never see him again, now I hope I won't.
Just as I am about to leave, my eyes catch a piece of paper on Adhiraj's desk chair. I shouldn't pay it much mind, but I do. Something in me urges me to.
So I reach for it.
~~~
Consciousness hits me with a jerk.
The light leaks through the thin slits of my eyelids before invading any and all darkness left behind. I feel blind and tired out of my wits.
My nose hurts, and so does my head. Memories are like a blur, and I am too much in pain to even try. Shuffling stumbling, falling— it takes me several minutes just to push myself up.
Reaching up to hold my head, I tap my other hand around the floor aimlessly. Some of what had happened is slowly coming back to me. Adhiraj, our fight, his speech and—
I hiss as soon as my fingers come in contact with what feels like an open wound upon my temple. I blink, bringing those fingers to my sight. It is painted crimson.
I blink again. The surroundings dawn upon me.
Archive room.
Dev.
"Fuck." I totally forgot about Malvika and her last date. She had prepared for it over a whole week, and I ruined it just like that. No wonder Dev was that mad. It was like he was gonna murder me. Of course, that didn't happen, but to think of it gives me chills.
I punch the floor.
"Oh shit-"
That was a mistake. I think I have a broken knuckle or two.
After the initial twinge of pain wears off, it gets replaced by guilt. Dev wasn't wrong. I am being insensible about Malvika's situation, and she is my only other friend aside from Adu...
Adu.
Adhiraj.
Adhiraj!
My gaze darts around the room. The speech! It is already time for the final assembly, and if I am not gonna rush, I can very well miss Adu's speech, and then he will hate me more.
More than he already does.
With what energy is left in me, I get myself on my feet. I guess Malvika can wait for a bit longer, but I don't think Adu will.
I am still mad. I am mad at what he said, what he did to me at that very moment, but I also love him and even though I doubt he'll ever reciprocate that, I can't afford to lose my best friend.
It's the last day after all, some compromises have to be made, and I'll make this one gladly.
And so I run. I run with all my might and I run for all I could. I run and run and run, and I don't care about the rules for once. Rules are meant to be broken.
But then I stop. Beside me is a window looking over at the courtyard in which I've spent countless nights breaking the curfew, Adu being my partner in crime. Our aimless talks would go on until the dawn would break. Adu would try hard not to fall asleep, and Suyash and Rajat would come up with unspeakable conspiracies which would always involve Malvika. But I knew, and he did too, and it would just be our little secret for days to follow.
Now, however, I can see Malvika who held onto Dev as her shoulders shook, supposedly because of crying. Dev caresses his fingers through her hair, saying things I can't really hear, and I don't really care.
Somehow they feel more right than Adu and her.
I won't deny, I hate Dev. He is the most annoying piece of trash to exist in this whole goddamned universe, even more than those infamous Nilgiri Valley mosquitoes which hold the capability to make even vampires jobless in the summers.
But Dev's admiration for Malvika is no secret, and after what he did today, my suspicions are even stronger.
I can't resist a smile.
Then I hear the applause and my smile drops. My eyes focus on my own reflection in the glass, and I have to say...
"I look like shit." Dried blood covers the side of my face and some is even flowing out of my nose. A long cut runs along my cheek, still red and angry.
This is so going to attract attention.
I close my eyes. I can feel the paper which held Adu's speech burning inside my pant's pocket like a reminder and a reassurance.
Fuck it.
The door to the auditorium is only a few steps away. There's no turning back now.
"-...Sometimes it takes a team like chocolate milk and bun maska together, fighting against the hungry monsters that are waiting for us outside-"
This is exactly what I had feared.
A pin-drop silence suddenly takes over the auditorium as one after the other the eyes turn to me. They all give me a wide, gobsmacked stare, some even initiating hushed conversations.
However, he is looking at me as well, standing frozen behind the podium.
Adu's gaze raves over every nook and cranny of my face before they meet my own sight in a silent question, his lip slowly going apart. I look away, shrugging and trying my best to contain my embarrassment. In my peripheral vision, I can see Rajat and Suyash in a heated discussion among themselves, sparing me glances here and there.
They are also to blame for my appearance right now. I am surprised they haven't already ran their asses to their oh-so-awe-inspiring cult leader Dev Jamwal to cry about how I'm gonna out them in front of our entire batch, even if that won't do shit for the teachers. They are pretty much full with what money Dev and his parents have fed them.
"How did this happen?!"
That makes me jump, my eyes going right back on Adu. He now is a mere stride away. My heart picks up in speed, beating in the back of my throat as I speak, "Uh... It, well..." I do not know what to say. His presence usually does that to me, but not to this extent, and I am a fluent speaker.
To cover up for my failed try at words, I reach into my pocket and thrust the neatly folded paper into the space between us, squeezing my eyes shut. "I came to give you this, but... I don't think you need it anymore."
I feel him taking the paper from my hands, and I hear the sounds as he unfolds the paper.
"Oh..."
I open one eye to see him examining the text inside, and with every line, his frown relaxes some more.
I sigh, now completely turning my attention to him. I am glad he is not pushing me away or calling me names like he was doing...okay how long ago was that?
It escapes me now. My head is still very much pounding and I'd love to go to the infirmary. Damn Dev and his cronies for being such bitches.
"This does not mean I forgive you, though. I am still angry." I cross my arms.
Adu looks up. Then he sighs. "I... I am sorry, Ninad."
"No, you're not." I completely intend to walk away right about now if it isn't for Adu to keep his godforsaken palm on my cheek.
His hand is on my cheek, goddammit!
'Act cool. Nothing is happening. Stop dreaming for once.'
"I shouldn't have said that to you, I really mean it. It was just so sudden to me, I couldn't really process and... why on the last of school, Ninad-"
"-I told you already, Adu, I thought-"
"-Why not before?" I am rendered speechless, staring into his wide brown eyes that are oozing with guilt. "What did you think would happen? You'd kiss me and leave it at that? What about me?"
People are watching. I can feel every single gaze burning on my skin. Adu's is the most piercing one of them all. It's hard to keep eye contact in place.
Was I being too selfish before?
Adhiraj is a straight guy who has a girlfriend for fuck's sake. Obviously, he was gonna act up like he did. Maybe a bit too harsh, but I guess it was my fault as well.
I should've just said it out loud, about how I felt for him instead of pulling that stunt back in the photo booth.
But he was just so close that I just...
"I am sorry... That was very impulsive of me, wasn't it?"
The bottom rim of his eyes is shimmering in the light. His other hand clenches the paper with it as he lets the tears fall.
"Go to the infirmary already." He tries to retract his palm away from my cheek, but I hold it in place.
"Do you forgive me?"
His breath hitches, and he looks away. "Just go. Your wounds look painful."
I am still in the dark about his emotions and the reason for his tears. His thought process is securely confined beneath him and in such a complex that it's hard to contemplate. I want to dig in, I want to know more, but in the meantime, I can only just nod and turn around to leave.
~~~
I hate the smell of the infirmary, I conclude as I stare at the white ceiling of that exact room.
It's completely empty, and of course it is. Who but one Ninad Raman would manage to land himself in the infirmary on the last day of school?
But I'd miss it, that's for sure.
I take a long breath, turning to my side and looking at the dark sky beyond the confines of the large window. Nilgiri is usually a cloudy area, and so is it now. And yet the beauty of the sky is not just through its stars, but the calm that it holds.
"Are you doing fine now?"
I stiffen at the voice, but I recognize it soon enough. I slowly move my eyes to the source of it, and obviously, it's none other than Adhiraj Jaisingh.
"Better, I think. It still hurts, all thanks to Dev and his two minions."
"They did this to you?"
"For a fair reason, but yeah."
I sit up as Adu settles down in front of me on the very old and squeaky infirmary bed. It's around dinner time, so not even the infirmary supervisor is present.
He looks a bit aghast for some reason.
"Fair enough to make you bleed out? Are you out of your mind?"
"Well, Malvika did plan a date for you, and I quite literally ruined it for her. I kind of deserved the beating."
He stares at me, his jaw dropped. "You have to be kidding." He touches his finger to my chin, turning my head to the side. "My goodness, Ninad."
I turn my head back straight. "Stop guilt-tripping me into pitying myself. And did you talk to Malvika? She is so gonna kill me if you don't."
His hand falls back to his side, his expression dampening.
I frown. "Why the face? What happened?"
"Well..."
"Well what?"
He bites his lower lip. "We broke up."
"Shut up. You did what now?"
He sighs. "It's more like her breaking up with me, but we're no longer dating. She was mad."
"Well of course she was. She loves you-"
"No, she doesn't." He closes his eyes and then opens them again. "She loves my title of school captain, not me."
That was always obvious to me, of course. I know Malvika only seeks attention and maybe that's all. And of course, I am aware that Adu knows it, but now that he words it out loud, it makes me feel somewhat at fault.
"Hey," I breathe out, "are you okay?" I reach for his shoulder, squeezing it in my attempt to give him some solace.
He gazes at me intently, no words making it out for a long time. The air grows thicker and thicker with something unknown.
"What made you fall for me, Ninad?"
My eyes widen. I wasn't expecting the question at all.
"Um...I- I actually can't really point out the exact moment or the reason but... It just happened. I think it might be because you help me so much, however... you hate me don't you?"
But I surely hate him for keeping so much suspense, just staring and breathing and- ugh.
"I still don't know how to feel, honestly. Today was... a bit too eventful."
I snort, trying my best to loosen the tension between us. "At least it'd be a memorable last day-"
Okay, not him going back to holding my cheek again. What is he trying to do, make me melt through the sheets?
"You know I won't be able to see you again for a long time, right? Maybe even years..."
I am trying my best to ignore that bit, have been for the entirety of the last six hours. But that fact is not gonna change just because I choose to close my eyes, Adu makes it obvious.
"I know, Adu, believe me, I do. And I hate that I made your last moments in India so... catastrophic?" I sigh, feeling my heart clench. "I am so-"
"Shh." He keeps a finger over my lips. "You did what you thought was best for you at that moment, now let me do what I think is best for me."
(A/N: BYE WHY HAS SUGAR RUSH RIDE STARTED TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND DJSJSJSJ)
"What do you-"
I stop functioning.
'Oh god. Oh god.' I lose my mind as soon as his slightly rough lips touch mine. I don't know what to think, I don't know how to feel, I don't know if I should just sit here or should I move too. I don't want to scare him off, and I am very inexperienced in these grounds of expertise.
But it hurts no one to try, and even though I am quietly literally going stir-crazy on the inside, I move my lips against his.
And he smiles. I can feel it.
My heart picks up its pace, running its own marathon as he shifts even closer, tilting his head to the side.
Never in my thousand dreams did imagine this day. Okay, maybe I did, but it turning real wasn't on my bucket list. Not until now.
"Ouch."
I mentally kick myself for saying it out loud as Adu moves away from the kiss, his breath still fanning over my face. I forgot my nose is still broken.
I rub it a little, before looking at him. There is silence.
And then we break into laughter.
"I am sorry about that."
I punch his shoulder, still laughing. "Shut up." And slowly it dies down, not before leaving behind smiles on our faces.
"I don't know what it is exactly that I feel about you, I am still very new to all of this, but," He gives me a peck on my lips which does not seize from making my heart flutter like a leaf, before he caresses my hair oh so gently, "One thing that I know for sure is that I'm gonna miss a lot."
I take a sharp breath, moving to rest my forehead against his.
"Me too."
— fin —