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The party was amazing, truly. There were lights everywhere, but not too much so that the inside of the house still looked dark enough to dance like in a disco. There were drinks, and a lot of people were standing around the kitchen bar to pick what they wanted to drink. Nancy and Robin had been talking for a while, and I was glad to see how good they were - finally - starting to get along. Jonathan was on his way, too, but I had not seen him yet.
I was close to the tables, filling up my cup with a cocktail made with vodka and fruits. I had never been a big drinker, but Nancy had insisted I tried this one. After one sip of it, I silently thanked her. It was delicious. I had only drank beer since I had arrived, and I knew this would be my last cup for the night. I had come here to have fun, not to drink myself out.
I looked around, getting lost in my thoughts without noticing it. All the noise, all the people... Sometimes, I couldn't help but think that we had helped save them, last summer. Which was not entirely wrong, since our help was consequent. Of course, we couldn't save Billy...
Memories from my short time around him came back, and I closed my eyes shut as I repressed them. This was not the right time to have a cry. This was actually the last thing I wanted.
I collected myself and finally got calmer, taking deep breaths. I wanted to have fun, and nothing else. I wanted to spend time with my friends, and nothing else. Not that I wanted to forget, this was not how I did things. But I wanted to be a normal teenager. Just for once. Just for one night.
I was about to drain my cup when my eyes landed on Steve. Beautiful, caring Steve. We had not been together for that long, and yet it already felt like forever. Like I had known him for eternity. He was wearing his usual darker clothes he wore at parties, but no sunglasses like the last time we had been at one together. Now that I was thinking of it, it actually occurred to me that Tina's party was already one year ago. I had celebrated my first year in Hawkins with my friends several weeks back, calling Felix from my new apartment. It had felt like a dream all along - and like a nightmare sometimes, let's not lie. But mostly like a dream.
Steve was waiting for me to come back to him with my drink. He had his own cup in one of his hands, and I could not help but think something was off in his gestures. He was putting the beverage down and, even from afar, I could see how shaky his hand was. He was agitated, like, really agitated. Something was definitely off.
I started to get closer to him, and I noticed how he was frantically looking around him, brushing his hands on his pants and breathing heavily. It was as if he were becoming aware of the people surrounding him. I could see how fast his breathing was getting. The part of me that was still wishing for him to be joking quickly understood that it was absolutely not the case.
I finished my path toward him in a run.
- Steve? Steve, look at me.
I gently put my hands on both sides of his handsome face, forcing him to look at my own worried one. He was more panicked than ever, and I noticed how he even struggled to give me a reply. I tried to hide my concern as much as I could, this was not the time to worry him even more. Whatever was happening, there was no reason to worsen it.
- It's okay, take your time. I whispered.
If I could have, I would have scooped him right up and carried him outside for him to relax on the porch. But I didn't need to try to know that I was not physically strong enough to do so. Steve still struggled for a few seconds before he managed to say something.
- Dustin. He squeaked.
- Dustin? I repeated, not sure that I heard correctly.
- Yeah... He... His name, I...
I frowned, trying to understand. I still had my hands on his cheeks and he put his own on mine, squeezing, as if he were trying to ground himself by doing that. I didn't mind, although it only helped me worry even more. And his hands were shaking terribly.
- I... I said his name! The Russians, they... they know!
And it finally clicked.
Steve was not completely drunk, but he was experiencing the effects of alcohol after a long time without drinking any. And, well, he was a little bit drunk. Just enough to get some of those horrible feelings that come with it: dizziness, light headed... I had not been drugged last summer, but I guessed that the state he was in while drinking reminded him of the state he was in when he had been drugged, not so long ago. Nobody talked about this part of our kidnapping. Steve apologized to Dustin about it once, but that was it. And, knowing him, nothing else happened because Steve forgot about it. I mean, who could blame him? It had taken him a while to get back to his normal state, he only fully had while in the hospital. No wonder he had actually forgotten. And I had no intention of reminding him of it anytime soon.
But, now, he remembered.
And he was having a panic attack because of it.
- Okay. Steve, come.
I knew how hard it was to move your body while panicking, but he needed to move. He needed to get out. I managed to catch his arms and to lift him a little bit, just enough for him to align his feet. He actually managed to walk, and I had no words to express how proud of him I was. He wasn't in any position to ask me where we were going or to argue about it, so he just let me carry him toward the door.
It was not fall yet, and this was the type of weekend that reminded everyone of summer. It was still hot, even when night had fallen. The warm air didn't make it easy for him to breathe, and so I helped him sit down on the side walk, closer to the hot ground but far enough from the house and it's noise. He just sat down and stayed quiet, shaking a little and trying to get his breathing to slow down.
I put a hand behind his back, softly rubbing against his shirt in soothing endless circles.
- Breathe, Steve, breathe. You can do it, I know you can. I said, trying to sound as soft as my touch. Dustin is okay, I kept going. He wouldn't want you to worry about that.
I felt his back moving more slowly as he started to calm down. His breathing was going back to normal and I could feel him shaking less and less. My worry went away with his last shuddering breaths. I kept quiet.
- I'm sorry. He finally said in a rough voice, not looking at me.
- Don't you dare apologize, I'm just glad you're feeling a bit better. I hesitated before I kept going. But I though you remembered?
I sat closer to him and wrapped my arm around him. He landed his head on my shoulder and sighed, staying quiet for a while. I observed his hands, his fingers fidgeting with his sleeves. He was out of his panic attack and probably exhausted as hell.
- Guess I didn't. He finally replied.
- It's not your fault. I don't want you to think it is.
He smiled against my shirt, I felt his cheek bones moving against my skin and I sighed in relief. I did not like to see him this way, and feeling his smile made my own lips do as well. He got his head off of my shoulder and looked at me with a little sadness in his eyes.
- It's hard not to.
A sudden idea popped in my head and I smiled even wider. I stood back up and jumped around a little to wake my legs up. I was suddenly full of energy and determination, oh how I had missed this feeling. I felt Steve's curious gaze on my back and turned around, presenting him with my palm.
- Come on.
He too my hand and I seized his other to help him up. His legs shook a little but he managed to stay up. I kept one of his hands in mine and squeezed a little bit, glad to feel his presence.
- Where do you want to go?
- But... you're drunk...
I sent him a false glare. He was way more drunk than I was, I was just happy.
- Stevie boy, I meant to go by foot. And are you kidding me? I did not drink that much!
- Less than me?
- Definitely. Anyway, it doesn't change anything, since we are walking there. I smiled, still very proud of my idea.
We were not that far away from Dustin's house, but it was still some way uptown. We were about thirty minutes away. I was getting a little bit cold - guess we actually were in September, and it definitely felt more like fall than I thought. Stupid me. I started to rub my arms, trying to warm myself up. Steve took me by the shoulders and did it for me. How cute.
- I don't think I ever told you, I said as our shadows passed in front of us thanks to a street light above, but I am sorry. I am so sorry for what happened to you, last summer.
Steve looked at me, confused.
- What do you mean?
- Like... being drugged and beat up.
- You got beat up, too.
- That's not I mean, I... I sighed a little, not especially happy to recall everything. Anyway, what I mean to say is that I never told you how sorry I was.
- Why- Why would you even apologize in the first place?
- I... don't know. I admitted.
It just felt like the right thing to say in the moment. But, looking back at it, I began to find it more and more stupid. Selfish, even. Who was I to take responsibility for anything that had happened? I was responsible for my own actions and my friends, not for fate or destiny or whatever it was that had encouraged all of that to happen to us.
- Sorry. I sighed again.
- Stop it! Steve giggled as he took my hand back in his. Stop apologizing, it's okay. Y/n...
He stopped me and made me turn toward him, his hand softly holding my chin. The poor light of the nearest street lamp marked his dark eyes and smooth skin, his lips smiling in a way I felt like I missed every second of everyday when I did not spend time looking at them. God, I loved that boy.
- I love you.
For a few seconds, I thought I was hallucinating. Maybe I thought about saying it so loudly that my mind had imagined the words? Perhaps they had escaped my own mouth? When I saw how expecting Steve looked, his lips parted as if he had just talked, I realized. He had said it. To me. To. Me.
I blushed harder than I had ever blushed in my entire life and I felt my mouth opening a bit in shock. Steve Harrington was in love with me.
Steve.
Fucking.
Harrington.
was
in
LOVE
with ME.
Oh. My. God.
It was the first time he had said it. I had planned to say it first, I had even made jokes with myself about who would say it first, and I was so sure that he would not have the courage to do so first but... I was proven wrong.
- I love you too. Was all I could blurt out before he kissed me.
His kiss was more passionate than ever. It made me forget everything. Where I was. Who I was. Even what I was. The only thing I was aware of were his lips on mine, how his tongue met mine and he lifted my head closer to his as he did so. I had never felt so light headed in my life and it felt like the butterflies in my stomach were loud enough for all Hawkins to be able to hear them.
When it became obvious that neither of us could breathe anymore, we parted and started panting.
I looked deep into his eyes, and I saw him doing the same. I saw myself in his dark dilated pupils, and I bet he saw himself in my own. I let out of a little laugh as I leaned my forehead against his. His lips lit in a smile.
- I love you so much.
- I love you even more.
I seized his hand and resumed walking, even closer to him than before. He followed.
- Dustin is going to be so mad when we'll show up at his window in the middle of the night.
- I think he will be very happy to see us.
- Unless he is asleep.
- Teenagers don't sleep at this hour, Steve. I can guarantee you that much.
- Right.