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Four hours, just four more fucking hours and everything would be okay; every thing would be okay…
“Any word?”
“I’m sorry, Commander, but word is, Voyager is doing its best, they’re four hours away,” the Hadoni woman stated, her deep orange eyes showing her sincere concern.
“Does he…does he have four hours?” Chakotay asked, ignoring all the hustle and bustle of the daily routine of the local hospital around him.
“I’ll have the doctor come and speak with you,” the woman stated, gently guiding the larger human male into a side room, away from the rest of the world to wait.
Chakotay nodded to her as she stepped away and closed the door to give him some quite in order to prepare for what ever the doctor may have to tell him; his gut told him it wasn’t going to be good. He let out a deep breath, trying to keep focus, but it was near impossible...but he had to try.
Slowly he walked over to the small window in the tiny room, where a few chairs, a sofa, a table with useless magazines laid, and a couple of plants to give it life, and stared out into the alien world that was to be a promising bounty of hope not this…dear spirits not this. He stood in front of the pane of real glass gently pressing his face against it, letting the coolness of it inch it’s way into his numb body, as tears, no longer kept at bay, fell freely, as the ache in his heart screamed in pain; he was hurt, he was angry but most of all…he was helpless.
Little by little he caught his reflection in the window, “Things like this happen all the time to him…he…he always comes out of it,” he states to himself, the hint of encouragement toning his voice. “He’ll… he’ll be fine,” he says again, once more trying to convince himself that he was getting upset and being ridiculous for nothing…nothing. Tom Paris was indestructible…just ask him.
Chakotay moved back from the glass and wiped his face, the momentary illusion working seconds before the door opened behind him and another Hadoni woman entered, this one he recognized from a distance. “Doctor,” he greeted as professionally as he could.
“Commander Chakotay, I’m Doctor Selka” the tall lanky female, stated, her voice sure and confident, but no over tones of joy at their meeting. “I wish we could have met under different circumstances,” she added, since this was the first time she had ever met a human before.
“How is he doing?”
“As Doctor Batani told you, his condition is not good and our treatments…well as he explained were not meant for humans…we’ve never even seen…”
“I understand, Doctor,” Chakotay interjected, for he had heard this speech a dozen times already. “Please, bottom line, how is he doing?”
The light orange eyes set deep in the snow white skin looked grim, “Not good. Truth is, I don’t think he’ll last the four hours it will take Voyager to make it…I’m…I’m sorry.”
The words struck like a needle into his chest and for a moment he forgot how to breathe, how to feel, how to exist, till a hand on his arm snapped him back into rhythm with the world. “Is there…nothing?”
“Normally our life support systems would carry him over, but with his heart and the head injury…” she shook her head negatively. “The heart is too weak to last and nothing we can do can fix it fast enough. The brain injury won’t allow our systems to sustain him for that long either…”
“Can’t you…” he didn’t know what to ask, but he felt there had to be something…this was Tom Paris they were talking about…the man couldn’t die…he couldn’t.
“Commander, as I believe doctor Batani explained, if he were one of our kind, we could give him a temporary heart till one could be cloned for him…but he will not last that long, not without long term life support, but because the brain injury…”
“You’re saying that if he did not have the head injury, you could…you could do it. You could maintain him long enough to clone him a heart…is that it?” he asked more forcefully than he needed to.
The experienced Hadoni woman did not need to know humans to know emotional distress when she saw it. “Commander…there is nothing I can do. Perhaps you should take this time…say good-bye…”
“He’s…he’s awake?”
“He drifts in and out, but at the moment, he is, but not for long…please, Commander,” she insisted gently, then moved to the door and opened it, waiting for him to follow.
Like a death march, Chakotay placed one foot in front of the other, forcing himself to move, then in a matter of seconds, it became automatic as he aimlessly followed her down the long endless hall into another small room, filled with machines, tubes, with fluids running in and out of the pale young body that lay in the bed at the center.
He didn’t notice the doctor leave or the nurses depart as he moved up to the side of the medical bed and looked down at the battered body of his Chief pilot, the young man that irritated the fuck out of him, time and time again, and yet, managed to win his heart…and never knew it. //And now it’s going to be too late,// his mind cried, as a few tears rolled down his face. He quietly sniffed back the rest, wanting to put on a good face for Tom, and reached down and took his overly white delicate hand into his and gently squeezed, “Tom,” he called out in a firm but hushed voice.
He watched as slightly bruised eye lids fluttered, and moist sleepy blue eyes looked up at him, a smile in them, though his lips only crinkled slightly. “Commander…guess I…I fucked this one up, didn’t I,” he quipped, though the cockiness was minimum.
Chakotay gave a small smirk, “I…guess so,” he teased lightly.
“Damn,” Tom replied, closing his eyes for a moment.
“What is it, Tom?” he asked, wondering if Tom was in more pain.
Tom opened his eyes and looked back at the older man, their eyes met, “You made a joke…I must be worse off than I thought,” he said, attempting to chuckle, but it hurt way too much and a small coughing spasm occurred.
“Tom!”
In seconds flat, nurses entered the room and one pushed the Commander back to the wall as they assisted the young human in his distress, which thankfully passed quickly. Once Tom was settled, Chakotay moved back to the bed and took Tom’s hand into his again.
“Sorry,” Tom stated softly.
“No more jokes…Okay,” Chakotay stated, trying to keep a calm face, though his eyes…they showed that his heart was breaking as they battled to keep the tears back. “Just…take it easy and do what the doctors tell you…okay, Tom…please?”
“I’m not going to make this one am I?” Tom asked, his voice soft and sincere, actually tightening his weak grip on Chakotay’s hand.
“You’re going to make it, Tom…Voyager is…”
“Too far, Chakotay…I can…I can see it in your eyes…don’t…don’t lie to me,” he rasped, his voice becoming more weak.
“They are four hours away…your…your heart is going…” //Fuck// Chakotay growled mentally, closing his eyes! He only wanted to comfort him, but he couldn’t lie…not when Tom saw through him so. He opened them and knew it was written all over his face, “They…they don’t think…”
“That I’ll last that long,” Tom finished for him, trying to lend Chakotay comfort. “Hey…can’t win them all, Commander, right?” he tried to quip.
“Stop it! Damn it, Tom Paris, I’m ordering you to make it, you hear me,” Chakotay growled, as tears fell down his face.
“I…I hope it’s one I can follow,” Tom replied softly, amazed at the emotions his Commanding officer was showing. “Com…Chakotay…it wasn’t your fault…” he stated believing that this was the reason he was so upset.
“I…I know, it…it was an…” he closed his eyes, the recollection of the events that lead to this moment pained him. “It…it was an accident. You…I…we couldn’t predict the rope breaking,” he stated, wiping his face on his sleeve. “Though I do believe I told you anything to do with caves was a bad thing,” he quipped, recalling the joke he made when Tom said he was going spelunking with some of his new friends on the planet.
Tom just smiled, for he was too weak to laugh, “Well, lesson learned,” he replied. “Chakotay…I…I’m glad you don’t hate me any more,” he stated, wanting to say his peace, for he felt his strength slipping away.
Tom’s words were Chakotay’s undoing, “Oh spirits, Tom,” he cried, “I never hated you…I…never hated you. Angry as hell…but…never hate…in fact…” he tried to compose himself, but it was near impossible, his free hand wiping his face once more. “Forgive me Tom for being a foolish old man,” he stated, taking Tom’s hand in both of his hands. “It was never hate…just misguided love of a foolish man that…put pride before everything else…I’m sorry…so sorry that you thought…” he took a shuttered breath and let his blurry eyes meet the young man that would forever hold his soul, if not in this life then in the next.
“You…you love me?” Tom asked, his words but a whisper, though his eyes were wide with wonder and surprise… “No…lie?”
“No…no lie, Tom. I’ve loved your since I laid eyes on you back in that seedy bar. I admit, I didn’t always like you, but…I have always loved you. But as I said I was afraid…” he shook his head, “Even if you would reject me, I still should have told you…”
“I love you too.”
Chakotay snapped up his head to look at the beautiful soul before him stunned, “What?”
“I…love…you…too,” Tom said, slowly bringing up his hand, and placed Chakotay’s fingers to his swollen lips and kissed it. “Foolish…too,” he added. “I too…am…sorry.”
The tears would not be kept at bay even at phaser point, they flowed as free as the pain washed over him, not only at the inevitable but all those wasted years…only to find out like this…that they could have been together, if only one of them had taken the risk. “Me too, baby…me too,” Chakotay cried softly as he caressed Tom’s damp hair from his forehead.
“Tay…” Tom called out, his body was failing him, and he knew his time was limited.
“Yes, baby?” Chakotay asked, leaning closer, for it was almost impossible to hear him now.
“K…kiss…me.”
Chakotay closed his eyes as his face pinched at the pain the request gave him; Tom wanted a kiss goodbye…he would get it. He turned his head and wiped the mass moisture from his face on his jacket sleeve, not wanting to move his hand from Tom’s forehead or release Tom’s hand, then leaned in and in the most softest, loving, tender touch possible, brushed his lips against the one man he loved with all his being, relaying every ounce of his heart in that one brief connection. What he didn’t expect was to get it in return, and as the love filled him, it almost crushed him, but he would not cave in, he would not deprive his love this or anything and let the kiss continue for the few more seconds he could tolerate it, before pulling back and gazing into dull droopy blue eyes, that still held a spark of life in them, staring back at him and sending ‘him’ love and comfort.
“I’ll wait,” Tom said softly, as his eyes drifted shut.
“Tom…Tom,” Chakotay called out, but Tom was unconscious.
“I’m sorry, Commander, but it’s only a matter of time,” The doctor said quietly from behind him.
“No…no I won’t let him die,” Chakotay stated evenly as he stood up straight, his hand still in Tom’s.
“Commander, I’ve already explained…”
Chakotay wiped his face, his emotions once more in check, he knew what to do, and this gave him the strength to do it. “I know what you said, Doctor, but what you failed to mention was the other alternative,” he stated calmly as he turned to face her.
“Other alternative?”
“Tom Paris needs a heart…and you’re going to give him one,” he stated in an eerie calm that sent shivers down the Doctor’s spine.
“Commander, organ cloning takes too long…”
“Not a clone…mine.”
“What?”
“You will give him my heart…”
“Commander, are you insane?”
Chakotay looked back at the pale blonde on the bed, and then back at her, “Never been clearer,” he stated firmly. “You said yourself, without the head injury, he could be placed on your life support…correct?”
“Yes but…”
“Give him my heart, place me on life support. When Voyager arrives, they’ll take care of me…a…win-win scenario,” he clarified for her, neglecting to mention that Voyager may not have what was needed to do the job, but it was, as Seven would say…irrelevant.
“I don’t know, Commander…”
“Doctor, you’re wasting time. Tom is dying, this way he will live, and as I said, Voyager will take care of me…you have nothing to lose.”
“This is awfully radical…”
“It will save his life,” Chakotay said in a firm confident tone, knowing he was swaying her. “Give me a pad, I’ll explain it all to the Captain so she won’t be upset with you and understand that this was my idea…and like I said…It’ll save him and…”
“Voyager will take care of you,” doctor Selka quoted, not liking this one bit, but…in this offer there was…hope. She opened the door, “Get my cardio team and a operating room standing by…we’re…” she looked back at Chakotay, “Operating.”
Chakotay gave her a nod, and then turned to Tom, “I’m not going to let you down again, by being too afraid to take a risk,” he vowed, then kissed him softly and followed the doctor out of the room.
*********
“How are we feeling, Mr. Paris?”
Tom blinked and blinked again, “Doc?” he croaked, amazed to see him…anyone.
“Tom?” a softer voice called to him, and he looked to see Janeway looking down at him with a sincere smile.
“I…I made it,” he said in a whisper, that sounded like a shout of victory to his ears.
“That you did, Lieutenant,” Kathryn acknowledged, “and it’s good to have you back. You’re going to be sick for awhile, but the Doc assures me that you’ll be up and around in no time.”
“That’s good to hear. Tell the Commander that he should go into medical and order people to keep living, it seems to do the…” he stopped, something was wrong. “What?”
“Tom…there’s…something you should know,” Janeway said, her eyes caring but full of concern.
Tom felt fear…real fear run throughout his body, “Where’s Chakotay?” he asked, knowing this was about him. He saw the Captain look at the Doc and the EMH look at her, then she nodded, and then he moved aside. Instinctively he followed his movements and on the next biobed… “What the…?”
“You were dying, Tom,” Janeway started, but her words were failing her, as she looked at the pale form of her First Officer on cardiac life support.
“I…I remember,” Tom said, his mind numb, not able to process what was going on, as he finally turned back to look at her. “We...we said goodbye…why…” Tom couldn’t understand it. Chakotay was fine, why was he on a medical bed?
“Tom, as I said, you were dying, we were too far away…”
“I know that, Captain, what I don’t know is what happened,” Tom snapped, only to have his actions to be followed by a wave of nausea and slight pain in his chest.
“Take it easy, Lieutenant, your new heart needs time…” It was then that EMH realized he made a slip, and silenced himself, as Tom’s eyes snapped open to stare at him.
“New…new heart?”
There was no easy way to say this, so Janeway shifted her shoulders back and met Tom’s gaze head on. “Yes, Tom. Because of your head injury, you could not be placed on Hadoni life support for any long term duration, and your heart would have still given out. The Commander…Chakotay…he…” words were failing her, for though she herself would do just about anything for her crew…this…she didn’t think she would have done this and it affected her in ways she still didn’t understand.
“He what, why is he…” Tom looked at Chakotay again, really seeing him this time, and it struck him. Chakotay had a cardiac unit beeping on his chest, the man looked pale…ghost like… “Stars…no,” he said, as realization came tumbling into his brain. “No!”
“Tom,” Kathryn said, trying to lend support, seeing the young man was getting upset.
“Lieutenant, if you don’t calm yourself, I’ll be forced to sedate you, your body needs time to adjust to your new…”
“Give it back to him…give it back to him,” Tom insisted as he looked at them, his eyes wide, but still unreadable. “It’s his heart…isn’t it? Give it back to him…”
“Tom…Tom, listen to me,” Kathryn said, stalling the sedative that the Doc had in his hand, while forcing Tom to lay down and look at her. “You need to listen,” she said again, this time getting his attention, but barely.
“The Hadoni technique for transplantation is very good, the heart has taken to you, thus…” damn, how did she tell him this. “They made it impossible to return, for we…we thought you may feel this way, and inquired about it,” she stated as soothingly as possible.
Tom looked at her, his eyes like that of a child, getting bad new, while wishing desperately they didn’t understand what was being said so it could all just go away…but knowing it wouldn’t. “Will he…be all right?”
“Mr. Paris, the odds are quite good; the Hadoni have shared with us their organ cloning methods, and the Commander is in good health otherwise, in time he too should make a full recovers.”
“But…” Tom stated, for there was always a but…this was his life, and when it came to people and things he cared about, there was always a but. “What are you not telling me Doc?”
“Lieutenant, I will not lie to you. The cloning method takes a few days, and the operation is strenuous…though the Commander is in good health, he is still weakened by what has happened, and he will grow weaker with every day that passes. Basically, only time will tell. Now, I know you wish to discuss this some more,” he stated, moving pass the Captain’s hand to stop him, and injecting the sedative, “but you need to rest, doctors orders,” he stated, looking at Janeway, letting her know it was a must not a request.
Slowly Tom felt sleep over take him, but in his mind, visions of Chakotay and their last conversation filled him as did a prayer…that they were granted time.
*********
“Hey.”
Dark eyes looked up at him, first filled with confusion, and then with understanding as he saw his angel hovering above him, “Hey,” he croaked, his throat sore. He still felt weak, but good, for he recalled why he was sick and seeing Tom above him made it all worth whiled.
“See you had to go and play hero again,” Tom teased, looking down in the pale gray chiseled strong face of the man he loved and knew, even more so then ever, loved him in return. “I guess you didn’t think I was going to follow your orders, did you?” he added warmly.
“Couldn’t…couldn’t take the chance, you…you have a habit of…ignoring me,” Chakotay replied, giving a weak but sincere smile.
Tom gave a slight nod, and pressed his lips into a thin smile, as he took Chakotay’s hand in his, and caressed his dark hair with the other. “Tay…I want to…”
“Shh…” Chakotay said, reaching up and placing a finger on his lips, but it didn’t remain there long. He then took a shuttered breath, “You had my heart and soul spiritually, I figured I go one better and give it to you literally,” he smiled, trying to use one of Tom’s ploys to keep from getting to deep with their emotions, humor, though his eyes showed that his words held true…he loved Tom Paris with all that he was.
Tom could no longer hold back the tears, and though they were few, they were real, as his love shined in his sky blue eyes, “Tay…you gave me a heart so I could live…don’t go breaking it by dying on me, you hear me. The Doc says it’s going to be a few more days and then you’re going to be all right, okay?”
“I’ll do my best, Lieutenant,” Chakotay replied softly, for he felt weak, but he understood it, his body was trying to survive on a machine, and though it did a good job, it was still not up for the full task of keeping a body going forever. He also knew this was the first time he had been really awake in some time and was unsure if he would wake again, and there was something he needed to say. “Tom…”
“Please, don’t say good-bye…I couldn’t bear it,” Tom replied, seeing all too clearly in his love’s eyes the desire to make things right…just in case. “You can’t leave me…not now,” Tom pleaded softly.
“I’ll always be with you, baby,” Chakotay replied lovingly as he reached up and caressed Tom’s chest. “Always.”
Tom closed his eyes and held Chakotay’s hand to his chest, feeling his touch and the beating of the heart within, “don’t leave me…I want to grow old with you, shit, I’ll even have your baby if you want,” Tom chuckled through the new tears that fell. “But please…don’t leave me…promise me?”
“I…will always love you, and if I have any say, I will not leave you…but…” he saw Tom was going to interject, and hushed him by talking up while he still could. “But…if…if…you must promise me to move on with your life…to find away to be happy and have all the things that should be yours, Tom Paris; things that should have been yours if I had not been a prideful fool…promise me?”
“Tay…”
“Promise…me?”
Tom simply nodded, as he kissed his love’s hand, “I promise,” he said, but in his heart that promise only held true if it was with Chakotay.
“Tom…?”
“Yes?”
“K…kiss me?”
Tom’s eyes filled with more tears, some of pain, some cheer, recalling how he had asked for the same thing, “I’ll kiss you, love, but not goodbye…not goodbye,” he said as he leaned in and pressed his lips against Chakotay’s pale full lips, once again letting all that was inside of him flow freely to the man he loved, hoping beyond hope that if it was possible that he was giving him the strength to fight till the Doc could fix him up. When he leaned back, he sobbed softly, for Chakotay was unconscious again.
“Mr. Paris, would you please join us in my office,” the EMH stated gently, knowing that Tom was in a delicate condition, along with the emotional attachment he had seemed to form with the Commander.
Having been two days since this nightmare began, he was feeling much better, and so long as he took it easy for awhile, he was going to be fine…thanks to Chakotay, and moved into the office where he saw the Captain…by the look on her face something was wrong. He took a seat and braced himself, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m afraid I have bad news,” the EMH stated, looking at the Captain and Tom. “The Hadoni informed me that there was a chance that some individuals would reject the cloning method in regards to organ creation…”
“Chakotay is one of them,” Tom stated flatly, finally hearing the ‘but’, he knew was coming, his soul freezing up by the second.
“I’m afraid so.”
“Can’t we do a mechanical heart?” Janeway inquired, for she had heard of such things before.
“Yes, had we foreseen the need and had one made and standing by for use,” the Doc snipped, but more in self remorse for his oversight. “It’ll take me a week to make one, the Commander won’t last that long…I’m sorry.”
“So, you’re giving up?” Tom challenged him. “Chakotay didn’t give up, he found alternatives…if he can do it, I’m sure as hell we can too,” Tom snapped, his eyes dark with determination; he was not losing Chakotay!
“Tom, I’ve already put in the requisition to create the mechanical heart, and even if the Captain gave it top priority…”
“Which I will,” she interjected.
“I know, Captain, but it’s a fine tuned piece of machinery, it will take time to put together, tests to make sure it functions…and before you ask, no, I will not put one in and fix it later if something goes wrong…he can’t take the Cardiac support unit much longer, the shock of going back and forth would kill him flat out,” the Doc stated, his conviction firm.
Tom stood up and turned to look at the beautiful wondrous man that he loved, lying on the far biobed, dying…because of him, because…he loved him, and knew something had to be done. Slowly he turned, “Doc…I have an idea,” he stated, his eyes full of nothing short of victory.
************
Captain Kathryn Janeway looked around the room, her eyes falling on the two most precious souls she had ever met and smiled. “Love is an unusual thing; it can move mountains or it can paralyze us beyond reason. But once put to use, I believe it is the key ingredient to creating nothing short of miracles, and my proof ladies and gentlemen sit before us all as they share this happy occasion with us,” she stated, smiling from ear to ear.
Her eyes water a bit, seeing the light blush cross a pale cheek, and dark eyes shift sideways under her gaze; “Tom and Chakotay have come a long way from the day we first met up with them, as have we all, and I hope to take this miraculous moment as a sign of great things to come for us all. They have faced not only that which we have all faced, but the obstacle of their own hearts…literally,” she smirks, and a small chuckle fills the room. “They have overcome great diversity in their own lives as well as those around them to reach this point; taking on risks that most of us would have faded at the mere thought of, much less take on; not them, and so it is only fitting that we are here today to give a toast in celebration of their union…may it last longer than the stars about us, to Tom and Chakotay!” she toasted holding up her Champaign glass high and in the direction of the two men sitting near her, dressed in their Starfleet whites, looking very healthy and very dashing.
“To Tom and Chakotay!” everyone toasts, sips and applauds.
“Speech, speech,” someone chants in the crowd, and then a few more join in.
Tom and Chakotay share looks, but it is Tom that stands up, his hand holding tight to the man next to him. He smiles, his face glowing bright enough to run the warp drive forever, as he looks at his husband, and then back to the crowd. “There is not much to say that you don’t already know. We couldn’t be happier to share this moment with all of you, and thank you for all you have done to mark this occasion as one of the happiest we’ve ever had…thank you,” Tom stated, then started to sit down.
“Tom…why didn’t you guy’s exchange rings?” Megan asked, as Tom sat down.
Tom looked at Chakotay who grinned, and they both laughed, but it was Chakotay who replied, “Meg, why do we need to exchange rings, we’ve already given each other our heart, what more could we ask for?”
A few groans went out, as did a few sighs of how sweet, for everyone knew that Chakotay spoke literally. Tom Paris was alive today because Chakotay’s heart beat strong in his chest, and Chakotay was alive because Tom’s cells were able to clone a good heart and gave it to Chakotay. In fact, many would have been beyond disappointed if this day didn’t arrive; for it seemed fated to occur from the very moment this all began.
Chakotay stood up and gently pulled Tom to the dance floor, by tradition they were to have the first dance before anyone else could do so, so once they were on the floor, he pulled the young man into his arms, and let their bodies merge, fitting together as perfectly as they both already knew. Tom’s head rested on his shoulder, as they swayed softly to the music, forgetting the world around them.
“We vowed to be honest with each other, no more secrets or lies, good bad or indifferent,” Chakotay started to whisper in Tom’s ear. “So I tell you now, I love you, Tom Paris, with all my heart,” he said lovingly, resting his hand on Tom’s chest.
Tom looked up at him, his eyes full of love and joy, “as I do you, with all of mine,” he replied, resting his hand on Chakotay’s chest.
Then the two men once more held each other and swayed together as one, but it was not to the music around them, but the beating of their hearts…the rhythm of their soul, that was now one.
THE END