Chapter Text
- Misuzuuuuuu.
The woman sitting across the table ignored her for a moment, taking a sip out of her tall milkshake glass.
- You forgot the honorifics again.
- Hmph! – Carol breathed out, her lips sticking into a pout until she could no longer hold her smile in. – You’re in a good mood today.
- Perhaps – Misuzu offered her a small smile back, glancing down at her hands.
- Is it because I brought you to the new café you’ve been meaning to go since last week?
- No comment.
Carol laughed cheerfully, but Misuzu barely paid her any mind, her fingers wrapping around the fork resting on the cake platter closest to her. It was more of a bakery than a café, but it had to be one of the fanciest places the blond bimbo had taken her yet.
She could sense trouble hidden behind those perfectly curled lashes.
- I know you’re trying to bribe me – Misuzu spoke calmly, delicately piercing her fork into a deconstructed strawberry shortcake. – So go ahead, tell me what’s on your mind.
The fluffball stared right at her, not breaking eye contact or blinking for much longer than what was necessary or comfortable. Granted, this was normal behavior for Carol, especially when she had arbitrarily decided to avoid offending someone, so Misuzu knew this had to be good.
- It’s Kou-chan again – Carol finally grunted, round cheeks puffed up.
- He still doesn’t treat you like a woman?
Instead of replying, the blond across the table only seemed to get more upset over that idea, aggressively stabbing her fork into some sort of cherry pie before bringing the entire slice up to her mouth, taking a big bite out of the pointy tip.
- It’s worse than that! – she complained, hiding the lower half of her face behind her hand as she chewed. – We hold hands now, and he tells people I’m his girlfriend, but he’s... too sweet!
Misuzu watched her for a little while, Carol’s expressions softening as she tried the lemon tea she had ordered earlier.
- Could you be more specific?
- He only wants to hold my hand! – she answered, looking over their options before picking up something with green frosting next, taking a small bite out of it before continuing. – Even when we ‘re alone, he dhoesn’t tfhink ‘bout doing more than hugging me.
Carol paused to swallow what was on her mouth, happily eating the rest of the pie she was holding in her fork as Misuzu worked through her milkshake. It was definitely a different situation from last time, but considering how disastrous her solutions had been to that problem, she wasn’t entirely sure why Carol had decided to come to her to talk about her love life. That’s until she remembered that their circle of friends was not that big, and that her other only female option was well... Tomo.
- Isn’t that a good thing? – Misuzu pondered aloud, twirling the long straw of her drink around what little was left of it. – Misaki-san seems to care a lot about you. Maybe this is his way of showing that he respect you?
Carol raised her eyes to look at her, her blond lashes fluttering sadly.
- But it doesn’t make sense, Misuzu-chan – she muttered quietly, the fingers from both of her hands delicately wrapped around her tea cup. – Mom is always telling me that boys can’t control themselves. But Kou-chan doesn’t seem to understand that he should be controlling something.
Misuzu slowly lowered her fork, confusion bringing her to a pause.
- What do you mean?
- Kou-chan is not like Jun-kun – Carol tried to explain, but her frustrations did not make it any clearer. – He tells me with his words that he cares about me, but he’s never tried to kiss me before... He gets nervous just by being around me. Is he just hiding it really well?
It could be the case, but Misuzu had a feeling that wasn’t right. With the bits and pieces she had gathered from Carol’s family life, with how possessive her Mom was, she wouldn’t have chosen just about any man to marry her daughter, especially with so many years in advance. Maybe it was her plan all along, to make them grow alongside each other so she could mold him too, shape him into something non-threatening by whatever odd standards she had used to raise Carol as well. Except if that was the case, she wouldn’t have been happy about him doing Karate, or about them going to the same school.
There was something she was missing here.
- I’m sorry, Carol, but I don’t think I can help you – Misuzu sucked on what was left of her milkshake, sighing once she finished her drink. – Misaki-san has made a lot of progress recently, and your Mom is an undeniable obstacle. I think you should just talk to him about being more physical with each other, or initiating contact yourself.
- I can do that?
She looked positively lost.
- As long as you don’t play around with his feelings, yes.
The answer didn’t seem to help her much.
The remaining cakes were put in a box to take home, each of them claiming a few while Carol paid for everything with her credit card, but Misuzu wasn’t stupid. The permanent smile that she wore on her face was dimmed, the light in her eyes not sparkling the same. Sometimes, you really couldn’t tell what was going on inside of her head.
The next day at school was normal, same as the one after that. Misuzu didn’t hear anything from Tomo about Misaki slaking off at the karate club, and Carol didn’t bring the subject back up, so she figured they must have worked things out. Either that, or Carol was planning on striking during the weekend.
Little did she know that was exactly what she was scheming.
Tomo was busy helping her dad with the dojo, and Carol was an extremely dangerous person to text when you wanted some free time for yourself, so Misuzu ignored them both when he woke up Saturday morning, leaving her phone by her desk as she made her way to the kitchen. Both of her parents were off on some business trip, so she didn’t need to justify what she was doing or where she was going as she prepared some light breakfast for herself, quietly eating it while she thought over her weekend plans. A bookstore near her house was promoting limited discounts on certain novels she had been meaning to get around, so that was as good of a reason as any to use the money her parents had given her before they left for the trip. She might even look into the foreign section, see if they had anything in English that Carol could read.
Good thing she couldn’t read her thoughts. Misuzu would be doomed to endless cuddles if Carol ever found out.
Meanwhile, in the other side of town, Carol was still very much asleep, hugging a plushie to her chest, and would only wake up an hour later once Kousuke ringed the doorbell. Not that it could be heard throughout the property, but he still felt like he should ring it, out of respect for Carol and her mother. Afterwards, he would call Carol’s cellphone, knowing from previous experience that she was probably still asleep, and then he would wait a whole half an hour until the main gate finally opened, giving him permission to step into the property.
Nothing could have prepared him for how Carol greeted him at the door. With her bleary eyes and a sweet smile, she reached her arms forward, immediately trapping Kousuke in a hug. It made him flush to the roots of his hair, his heart hammering in his chest as her soft body pressed up against him, and he just as quickly pushed her away, his hands squeezing her shoulders as he scanned the area in alarm. Carol innocently tilted her head to the side, looking behind herself as well.
- There’s no one here, Kou-chan – she said, a yawn cutting off her sweet voice. – You can hug me if you want.
- Oh erh, are you sure? Your mother—
- Not home – she quickly interrupted, pushing at his hands with a hint of impatience. – She went on a trip with a friend.
- A trip?! And you’re just home alone??
- Nh hm – Carol shook her head. – A maid comes around to cook me meals.
Kousuke let go of the breath he was holding. He should have known Olston-san would never be so careless with her daughter. At least she wouldn’t go and burn herself while trying to work with the stove.
He had barely begin to relax when Carol threw herself at him again, cheering quietly as soon as she got her arms around him.
- C-Carol?! – Kousuke squeaked. – What—
- You’re so tense – Carol chuckled, her voice bordering on mischievous as she ran her hands down his back. – It’s okay, you can hug me back.
Her fiancé was simply mute with how forward she was being. It’s not that Carol wasn’t affectionate – her adorable face and general impulsivity could only lead one way -, but she was usually more reserved around guys. Kousuke could not understand why she was suddenly being so clingy!
And yet... it felt nice. Really nice. It was not at all like other karate members talked about their girlfriends, with those lascivious smiles and strange hand gestures. Carol was just soft all over. It was like his entire existence was sinking into a cloud.
Slowly, very slowly, his heartbeat went back down to something a little more normal, his hands carefully moving to rest on her lower back. Carol immediately let out a happy, squeaking sound, burying her face in his shoulder with intent.
- Why did you call me here? – Kousuke asked gently, relaxing into the warmth and comfort of his fiancé. – You felt lonely without Olston-san to keep you company?
- Hmm? No – Carol pulled back just enough to see his face, her golden hair shining in the sunlight. – I just wanted to spend some time with you outside of school.
- Oh. I guess that’s alright.
The hug changed into something else, not so much a hug as it was holding each other near, but Kousuke was definitely not complaining about it. If anything, he wanted to delay going inside for as long as he possibly could, if it meant he could stay pressed to Carol like this, soak in her comfort for just a little while longer.
- Let’s go over to my room!
Whatever soothing atmosphere had wrapped itself around them immediately shattered to bits. The world seemed to slant out of its axis, Carol’s once warm hands growing unbearably hot. Kousuke had already started to push her away before he could understand what he was doing.
Carol’s smile fell, her eyes boring holes into him.
- You don’t wanna?
- It’s... It’s not that I don’t want to...
He didn’t like this. He didn’t like this at all. After Carol and him actually started dating, Kousuke realized a lot of things about this relationship, and most importantly, about himself, too. He was okay with kissing, with hand holding. He even craved hugs, no matter how much he shied away from them. But anything beyond that was... it’s not that it was scary, but it was something close. It was this sinking feeling, deep within himself, dark and hollow and all consuming. Anything even remotely sexual made it grow, and the uncontrollable nature of it all freaked him out.
Carol spoke before he could get another word out.
- You don’t like being alone with me?
Kousuke kept his eyes on the ground, his chest growing impossibly tight. Carol was doing her best to hide it, but he could hear it in her voice, how sad she was that that might even be a possibility. Maybe... maybe she didn’t even know the kinds of things that she was implying. Olston-san was so protective of her that it wouldn’t surprise him in the slightest, if she had never explained to her the more... intimate sides of a relationship.
Kousuke took a deep breath in, raising his head. He needed to make this right.
- I do, Carol. I love spending time with you. But usually... when two people are dating each other, inviting them to your room like that is... i-it suggests that... you want to...
- Have sex?
His ears immediately started burning up.
- Y-Yea, that’s right. So you see—
- I don’t mind it.
- ...Eh?
Carol gently reached for his hands, that overwhelming heat spreading all throughout him as soon as she touched him.
- I know what it means – her sweet voice confirmed, her eyes never leaving his. – That’s why I said it. We’re going to get married one day, right? So it’s okay to—
- Carol. – Kousuke urgently cut her off, a bout of nausea making him feel as if he was swaying on his feet. – I... I don’t mind b-being alone with you, in your room, but I... I just. Think we should go, a little slower.
It seemed like the silence stretched out infinitely.
- Okay.
His eyes almost jumped out of his sockets.
- Okay? – Kousuke asked, far too excited to hide the relief in his voice.
- Yea – Carol nodded, squeezing his hands a little. – We can still practice other things.
- P-Practice??
The only warning he got before he was tugged inside the house were the chills that ran down his spine, Carol’s round face beaming with a light that could rival the sun.
The front door closed behind him with a loud Bang!
A door opened just as another closed. Dressed in casual clothes, Misuzu walked into the bookstore, relishing in the quietude of the place. Newly released mangas and novels were displayed on small desks by the sliding doors, posters and flyers stuck to the sides of the shelves. Besides the cashier, there were maybe three other people in the store, so Misuzu didn’t hesitate to go into the section that interested her, keeping her eyes trained on the ground all the while. Most people would call her crazy for actively searching for something like this, but it was no one’s business other than her own.
She scanned the shelves with rabid attention, breathing in small, calming breaths. No one was looking at her. And she was going to make sure to never come here again after this.
A spine with a subdued color called out to her attention, and with careful fingers, Misuzu pulled the book from its resting place, lowering it closer to her face. A small, triumphant smile drew across her lips. It was exactly what she had been looking for.
Misuzu had first learned about this novel while researching for an assignment, the topic lost to time, and in between Google results, a blog of some kind had popped up, the soft and cozy pink layout and the flower motifs in every new entry immediately filling her with intrigue. She hadn’t needed to scroll down much further to realize it was some sort of personal forum, kept by someone that had presented herself as Hatsume. The posts were pretty sporadic, ranging from small inconsequential events of Hatsume’s life to short proses written without much context, but the thing that hooked Misuzu as she hallowed in boredom was the book reviews she wrote. She remembers it vividly, the hours she spent reading through them, absorbing her every word like they were water being poured over parched soil, dry from the relenting summer heat. Suddenly it made sense, as to why Hatsume was using a fake name, recounting so little of her life while flourishing in her opinions. She was a lesbian, with an interest in same sex romance novels.
She looked down at book she was holding, at the innocuous cover and the vague title. According to Hatsume, it was one of the most beautiful books she had ever read, a bittersweet story that resonated deeply with her, and Misuzu needed to see what the fuss was all about. Turning it to check for the price only further solidified her decision. She was getting it.
Glancing back at the shelves, Misuzu focused on the other titles this author had, her neck starting to hurt from how she had to stretch it back to read that high up. With a sigh, she lifted her arm to get another one, standing on the tips of her toes, but as soon as she got the book down to her level, she realized it was from a different author with a similar name.
- How weird – Misuzu mumbled to herself, turning the book this way and that.
The name was Japanese, but the title was in English. She could just make out what it said.
Queer: the analysis of a Japanese immigrant about the forgotten corners of the LGBTQ+ community.
Misuzu considered putting it back, not sure if she had the technical skills to read an entire book in a different language, but something told her not to, an ache in her chest begging her to take it home with her.
Her odd sixth sense would only become more aggravated after she paid for the books, thoughts about where to hide them plaguing her mind as she carried them home, but little did she know that all of Carol’s questions would be answered by the pages safely contained in her arms.
For the most part, Kousuke was handling the situation better than he ever thought possible. Not that he had kept his composure when Carol suddenly dragged him through the hallways of the mansion, but it could be worse. Memories of their earlier conversation haunted him with the uncomfortable possibilities that being home alone with Carol could entail, but staying true to her word, they had simply been “practicing” other things.
- Your turn, Kou-chan – her fiancé said, a soft smile on her lips as she pulled away.
Kousuke shyly nodded, swallowing down the nervousness tightening his throat. He couldn’t look past the fact that they were sitting in Carol’s bed, alone in Carol’s room, but he was sure this was part of their practice too.
Grabbing at the pink comforter laying underneath them, Kousuke leaned in, pressing a kiss to Carol’s round cheek. Her skin felt impossibly soft against his lips, supple and squishy, and his heart was beating so fast it might just give out.
- You’re too tense, Kou-chan – she explained carefully after he pulled away, bringing her knees to the bed as she turned to face him directly. – Your lips are too stiff.
- Oh, s-sorry.
- It’s okay. That’s why you’re practicing. – she scooted closer until they were only inches away, more than enough for him to smell the sweet scent that Carol carried everywhere. – You can’t go like this.
Before he could understand what was about to happen next, Carol kissed him again, humming loudly as she did it. Her lips were firm against his cheek this time around, digging uncomfortably into his cheekbone, and whatever was left of his anxiety slowly melted away, a little shocked by how different it felt like compared to before.
- When you’re nervous, you go like this – Carol scrunched up her nose as she puckered up her lips, her eyes tightly screwed shut.
Kousuke would have laughed if he didn’t fell so deeply embarrassed by his inexperience.
- And it’s a little funny, but it doesn’t feel good, right?
- It, it really doesn’t.
Carol lifted one of her arms, gently patting at his bicep.
- Try to relax your lips. This should feel good for your too.
The innuendo burned him from the inside out, and for what felt like the millionth time today, Kousuke wondered just how innocent Carol truly was.
She finally relaxed her face, her makeshift expressions settling back into something a little more natural, and her back straightened expectantly, like she was suddenly being possessed by otherworldly knowledge. Kousuke didn’t know whether to expect the best or to brace himself for the worst.
- I have an idea.
Oh, that was never good.
- Kiss me like I’m just a friend of yours.
Kousuke’s face burned up by itself before his bewilderment could fully sink in.
- Carol, I- I don’t think that makes a lot of sense.
She looked at him like he was hesitating for no reason, her eyes as wide as he had ever seen them.
- Yes, it does – she said with surprising conviction, grabbing Kousuke’s hand before he could think of pulling it away. – We did it all the time when we were kids.
- Well, yes, but we-- we were kids, it’s- different now!
He expected for their lighthearted bickering to continue on for a couple of minutes, for Carol’s voice to get squeakier and squeakier until her throat couldn’t handle it anymore and she was forced to resource to pounding at his chest with her tiny fists, but that’s not what happened. It was so quiet that Kousuke could hear the birds chirping outside, somewhere in the distance. He could hear the house breathing, if that was a good way to describe the odd sense of dread tickling the base of his spine. Carol was looking at him, an intensity in her eyes that couldn’t be erased by her soft nature, and Kousuke shivered because of it, for the first time in his life sensing a threat in Carol’s presence.
- It’s not different. – her sweet voice became grating, like she had reached the limit of her patience. – You liked me then and you still kissed me, right?
- R-Right...
- Then you can do it now.
Carol squeezed his hand to punctuate the ending of her small lecture, breaking goosebumps all over Kousuke’s skin. If she had any more conclusions to share about the situation, they didn’t leave her eyes, her gaze relentlessly waiting for his next move, and it didn’t take much for Kousuke to break under their silent judgement, cowering in shame like a little kid.
What was different now? The words sounded like the truth when he spoke them out loud, but when he tried to articulate the reason why, his mind came out blank. The obvious answer was that liking someone and being their fiancé were two very different things, but that didn’t feel right. Well, not completely right, at least.
Kousuke searched within himself, expecting to stumble onto something sooner or later, but when the seconds dragged out and nothing jumped at him, that strange, murky presence filled him, darkness overflowing even the brightest corners of his soul.
- I’m sorry, Carol – his voice whispered before he could really think it through, his shoulders hunching forward to match how small he was feeling. – I don’t know... I think we’ve had enough practice for the day.
- Wait, Kou-cha—
He was already back on his feet before she could stop him. Their intertwined hands tugged him down, stopped Kousuke from leaving faster than he wished, so instead of meeting Carol’s disappointed eyes, he focused on how sweaty her hand had gotten, how the tips of her fingers were paler because of the strength of her grip on him. With a quiet, dismissive thought, Kousuke bent down and kissed the back of her hand, letting his lips linger for a second before firmly tugging himself free.
- I just need some time to think, okay? – he said, the smile on his face closer to a grimace. – I’ll send you a text when I get home.