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"come on ryoko, you know i'll love ya forever! i couldnt love anybody but you."
"forever." she repeated.
-
ryoko's eyes darted across the linoleum floor of their classroom. the bell had just rung not too long ago and she was eager to get out of the classroom, tired from the obnoxious teenage boys and the girls who could never seem to gossip enough. she looked over at joe before taking out a small, pink compact mirror from her blazer pocket. followed by her signature shade of lipstick, a deep red that she'd gotten from dior. she looked herself in the mirror, applying a swatch of the red lipstick before rubbing her lips together. she looked over at joe with a smile, only to notice his gaze directed at someone else.
sara chidouin. it was always bound to be her, wasn't it?
sometimes she'd notice it. she'd notice how that when she was talking, he'd pay more attention to her. she could be sitting there totally in her own little world and joe would treat it as if it was the most impressive thing ever. and to him, it was. he'd frequently tell ryoko about how sara was gorgeous just sitting there, how mesmerizing she was to gaze at, how her voice was addicting and how she was perfect in every way. ryoko would agree, of course. not out of wanting to be on the same page as joe, but because she envied sara. she envied how she had joe fall for her.
it wasn't one sided, to ryoko's selfish, selfish dismay. sara would tug on her arm and whisper in her ear about the boy they'd both helplessly fell in love with. small comments about his smile, his mannerisms and attitude. comments about how she'd never felt this way about anyone before and how she couldn't keep her professional, straightforward façade around the boy. the attraction was mutual, and it was breaking ryoko's heart that she couldn't be the one joe would chase after. the one he'd stay up late to talk on the phone abour, the one he would put off any plans and drop everything he was doing to come see. the one he truly loved.
it was worse when it was the three of them hanging out. it was always sara and joe, with ryoko there as a placeholder. they weren't intentionally leaving her out, but it really felt like it when they'd ditch mid-plans to go off and do karaoke, go to sushi bars and walk around parks without her around. she knows it's young love and that it's only natural, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
she was used to the pining and she imagined it would've blown over in a couple weeks to a month and they'd eventually be able to forget about the whole ordeal. unfortunately, that's not how the world works. she turned her head toward sara, who'd tapped her shoulder. she tucked her hair behind her ear, getting close to ryoko's ear and whispering a sentence that made ryoko'a heart sink to the bottom of her stomach. she started with a smile, before it curved down and ultimately turned into a tight frown in front of sara.
"me and joe are official."
ryoko pushed past her feelings to the situation. inside she never felt worse. she was always hopeless. she always knew joe would rather go for sara over her. but the sliver of hope that came from the uncertainty of it being just light crushing and having the chance of them realising that they weren't meant for eachother still stood a chance in ryoko's heart up until sara told her.
"no way!" ryoko squealed with her usual overly-friendly demeanor still intact as to make sure sara wouldn't be suspicious. she balled up her fists in her blazer pocket, squeezing as hard as she could around the lipstick tube. she let go with a heavy sigh, arms making their way around the other girl's shoulders. she pulled sara in, tears just barely being blinked back as if to not escape her eyes. she stayed there for a second, pondering what brought her up to this moment. how did the attraction get this bad? she secretly wondered before pulling away from sara. she smiled big, looking at her. "i'm happy for you guys. you both deserve it all."
"we couldn't have done it without you, ryoko. honest." sara started. "you brought us together and you were the reason we all started hanging out together. me and joe clicked because of you and i will never be able to repay you for that. he's just.. priceless, you know? they don't make guys like that anymore. he's a one in a million." she leaned her head on ryoko's shoulder, "thank you so much, ryo."
"of course, sara." she forced a smile upon her face, "i'm happy for you guys. you're perfect for eachother in a way." ryoko nearly choked over the words. she hugged sara tightly as the other girl rexiprocated the act, a huge smile on her face. one that ryoko had never seen before. she would admit that sara and joe genuinely were perfect for eachother and that she was 100% happy for them, that wasn't a lie. but she knows, deep down she's jealous. she's jealous of sara and she's jealous of the fact sara was able to pursue joe with him being into it aswell. she knows that all of her previous, hopeless attempts to get the boy never ended up working out and that she never would've ended up with joe anyway. but still, something at the back of her mind was wishing it was joe holding her instead of sara.
"you okay, ryoko? you look a little pale." sara put her palm up to ryoko's forehead, attempting to feel the girls temperature. she pulled away, of course, shaking her head and letting a tiny grin seep onto her face. she crossed her arms, "i'm okay, sara. i just haven't eaten at all today. it's been so busy with exams, you know?"
"that's weird, you're having your exams earlier this year?
shit. caught in a lie. "yeah! for extra credit. you know, since my grades have been slipping ever since you and joe came back from.. you know." she sighed. "uh, i'll be okay, nevertheless."
"yeah? still, you need to eat something." she said. "please, ryoko. can you come with me? i'm going to the sushi place! i'll totally pay for you too."
"why? you don't have to do this." she shook her head. "i might just go home."
"because.. i already made the reservation. and i miss hanging out with you! it's just been me and joe lately. it drives me crazy, you know?"
no amount of joe could drive ryoko crazy. she thought.
on cue, the heartbreaker himself walked in the classroom. she looked over at him, a smile creeping onto her face yet dropping once she'd remembered the news. she looked back at joe, motioning a wave at him as sara jumped up off the neck. she stood up straight, running up to joe and throwing her arms around him. his hands made their way to the small of her back and ryoko couldn't help but imagine how things would've turned out had she said something sooner. would she be in sara's position, hugging joe like it was the last time she'd ever be able to? would it be her who joe stayed up all night with? would it be her that joe.. loved?
"ryoko." he breathed out. "you're coming to the sushi place with us, right?"
she was snapped out of her trance. she hummed to herself for a minute, before speaking up without a break in her voice, for the first time. she looked up at the two, who seemed like they were attached at the hip at that point. she spoke up with a quick "i'll ask my parents."
she didn't ask her parents. she didnt even turn her phone on. she was staring at her reflection on the black screen of her phone, hoping that she looked normal, no tears welling in her eyes and no visible sadness on her face. she put hrr phone down, unable to stare at herself any longer. she looked up at the two, noticing how joe tucked a strand of sara's auburn hair behind her ear, how she put her head on his shoulder and how he smiled like never before when she opened her mouth.
"my parents said not tonight, i'm sorry, guys." ryoko shrugged, letting her shoulders drop as she looked down an fidgeted with her hands. the two didn't exactly notice that she said anything, so she waited until they pulled away from eachother to repeat what she said earlier.
"awh, that's too bad." joe looked deep in thought, crossing his arms. "tomorrow, then! we'll take you out for sushi tomorrow and you can let your parents know in advance so that they say yes!" he pointed a finger upwards like he had a genius idea. the same, stupid personality that ryoko had fallen in love with prior.
she nodded, gently placing her feet on the ground waving goodbye to them both. this wasn't going to be an easy night.
as soon as her feet hit the outside pavement of sonobeno high school she was already fishing around in her pocket for her package of cigarettes. the worst habit she'd ever picked up, by far. she wasn't old enough to purchase and had she ever been caught she would be in more trouble than ever before. she was looking for an area to go in that wouldn't make her noticeable, preferably a secluded location. however, she was unsuccessful. she settled with waiting until she was home.
right as she walked into her residence, she noticed the absence of her parents. as usual, she thought. she ran upstairs to her room, slamming the door and pulling a cigarette out of the package. she didn't bother turning the fan on, or opening the window. she had bigger problems.
she lit up the cigarette, the unpleasant smell filling the air as she took a drag, breathing it in and feeling her throat go scratchy as the smoke filled her lungs. she choked out a sob, coughing and falling to her knees with the cigarette clutched in hand. she stood up, sitting at her vanity and letting the sobs fill the room. she looked in the mirror, the mascara running down the sides of her face and leaving trails on her cheeks. she pulled the tube of lipstick out of her pocket, applying it and staring herself dead in the eyes through her reflection. her brown eyes, that could never compare to sara's in a million years. her hair, plain black compared to sara's auburn locks. and of course, her lipstick. her makeup that she tried so hard to perfect in case joe noticed. she sobbed out, dry heaving as the cigarette fell onto her desk. she slammed her tube of lipstick down onto the vanity, hearing the glass of the lipstick shatter down onto her hardwood flooring.
she heard rain pelleting against her window. she looked back at herself, the lipstick now smudged down her chin. she cried down, tears now smudging her eyeliner all over her eyelids and beneath her eyes. she was now a mess, falling to her knees right beside the smashed lipstick tube. she recalled the last thing joe had said to her before he ran off with sara the night she realised the two were in love.
"come on ryoko, you know i'll love ya forever! i couldn't love anybody but you."
she sobbed out, her voice breaking as her head hit the hardwood floor. "forever. anybody but me.." she repeated as the sobs took over her and the tears hit the floor. she was done with the act, done with pretending she's okay, and done with believing joe meant it when he said foever.
she opened her eyes, checking down at her phone before throwing it across the floor. she looked down, wondering what would've happened had she said something sooner. wondering if joe would be tucking her hair behind her ear and holding her close instead of the orange haired girl he was holding so close now.
it was too late for regrets, though.
—
years later, at their wedding, ryoko stood next to sara as her maid of honor, reminding herself of that night she'd lost her tube of dior lipstick to a boy who would've never loved her back. reminding herself the pining wasn't worth it because his gaze would permanently be reserved for violet eyes and auburn hair, for the rest of time. reminding herself of the boy who promised he couldn't love anybody but her. but; it was far too late for regrets now, if it's wasn't before.