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“Hey lads, I have something I need to confess,” James says as he walks over to his best friends, who are currently lounging in the common room.
“Well spit it out Prongsies,” Sirius responds, looking up from where his head was resting in Remus', his boyfriend's, lap who looks at James expectantly along with Peter.
James starts to pick at his nails, a terrible habit he gets from his father. “Can we go to the dorm?”
“Of course, James, c'mon now.” Remus, who is the mom of the group, begins to herd them all up the steps to their shared dorm. Once they've all sat down, Remus gives him a nod to go ahead and spit it out, as Sirius phrased it.
James coughs slightly, clearing his throat more out of nervousness than an actual need to. “Well, I um.”
A few beats of silence.
“Merlin! Just say it, James, we aren't gonna be mad!” Sirius exclaims in impatience.
Startled, James attempts to explain, “Well you see, you might wanna take that back. Especially you Pads.”
Sirius gives him an odd look.
“Yeah, so um, y'know Regulus? Well yeah, obviously you guys know Regulus he’s Sirius’ brother. Yeah, so um, I like Regulus in a not friend way.” James rushes out, his eyes squeezed shut and hands in fists.
You could hear a sickle drop from how quiet it is.
James cracks open his eyes, just barely. He sees Peter with a look that says welp you're fucked. Next is Remus who has his eyes twinkling in amusement (“ of course he bloody knows, nothing gets past him ,” James thinks to himself). Then he finally looks at Sirius, who has a bewildered expression, and he can practically see the gears turning in his head as he dawns on the fact his best mate is in love with his baby brother.
“What.” Sirius deadpans after a solid minute of pure silence.
“Listen, Siri, I really like him! We hang out sometimes after quidditch practice and even a whole Hogsmeade trip after you and Moony went off to make-out and Pete went off to gossip with the girls! He's so incredibly funny and sarcastic, you know how I fall for people who bully me! And the Black family is partially known for how attractive and aristocratic they are! I can't help it, he's just so pretty and oh merlin you don't know how I bloody swoon when he smiles at me, have you seen his smile lately? Any person with eyes can see why'd I'd be in love with him! Not that his looks are everything that matters! And-” His ramble is cut short by Sirius’ hand raising as a signal to stop him.
“OK, OK, OK, merlin Prongs, I get it. You…like my baby brother.” Before James can open his mouth to argue, he's stopped again. “James, as much as I hate it,” he cringes, “I mean really that's so gross, you're like my brother, and now you might date my actual brother. But I want you both to be happy, and Reggie does look at you like all the gods and goddesses from above created you, which is also gross. Just take care of him, yeah? Oh, and if you hurt him, I will cut your dick off.” Sirius points a finger at him for the last part. Always the Black he is, dramatic as fuck…but this isn’t as dramatic after he thought Sirius was going to be.
“So yeah, just be safe, yeah? Don’t break his heart or anything.”
James nods and goes to leave, Peter following him out.
“I’m happy for you prongs!” Peter says, smiling at him.
“Er, thanks wormy,” James waves him off and then just stands at the last step trying to digest everything that had just happened.
…
James is walking half in a daze through the halls of Hogwarts, still processing what Sirius said. He bumps into Barty.
“Oi, watch it, Potter!”
“My bad—oh hey Barty where is Regulus?”
“Potter, use that brain of yours, aren't you top of your year?”
“Well, not top, but one of them? I'm assuming, from that statement, he's in the library.”
“Bingo,” Barty deadpans before walking off, probably to go find Evan.
…
As James walked he thought about, well, how the fuck Sirius was so laid back about it and how Remus already knew. James doesn't think he was obvious about his crush, but also he is James Potter and almost everything he does is a little obvious. But Sirius! How was he so laid back about it! Sirius normally freaks out if someone so much as calls Regulus attractive! And James just confessed his love for him! There's also the fact that he can ask Regulus out now. He has no idea how to do that. Though, he has heard rumours about there being a Yule ball again this year. Or he could take him to one of Slughorn's parties? James' brain doesn't move this fast typically, and he's starting to get a headache. He walks into the library, finding the seat where Regulus is usually at.
“Hey Reg,” he mumbles, still half deep in thought as he sits down beside the curly haired boy, whose nose is buried in a book.
Regulus looks up, smiles and says, “What’s got you thinking? Do you think steam will begin to come out of your ears, Potter?” His speech is always perfect and enunciated; it shouldn't be as attractive as it is.
“Um. I dunno, thinking about going to Slughorn's party maybe?”
“You don’t sound sure of yourself. Are you lying to me?” Regulus smirks like a cat who's got the cream.
“What? No! Why would I do that?” James splutters, he wishes he was as calm and calculating as Regulus sometimes.
Regulus shrugs and goes back to his book, James takes out his Transfiguration homework.
…
“So,” Sirius pulls the ‘o’ out long into a drawl, “asked Reggie out yet?”
James practically jumps out of his seat. “What?” He half screams, a couple of people in the common room look over at him.
Sirius rolls his eyes, “James, I’m just gonna tell you straight up, I had my suspicions and I figured you liked someone. I mean, when you told me I was still shocked to have it confirmed, but I’m pretty sure I’ve known for a while now.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Anyway, you should ask Reggie out,” and with that Sirius stands and leaves the room.
James just sits there. Confused as hell because what! What!
James was certain Sirius was going to freak out when he first told him, and when he only got a light telling off (compared to the time he drunkenly confessed Moony to be his queer awakening) he was shocked. Now this! Is the world ending? Sirius Black not taking every chance he can take to be melodramatic? The world is definitely ending.
…
He goes to Remus to try to find some peace of mind. Smart, collected, wonderful Remus Lupin. When he voices his worries about Sirius, Remus laughs in his face. For like a solid three minutes (though the reader should keep in mind that James Potter is very bad with time)! What has got into his friends lately! They've all gone mad.
Remus, though, calms his worries about Sirius and tells him that a couple of weeks back, Sirius found out. And (thankfully, James was getting pretty worried) Sirius had his typical dramatic meltdown and came to terms with it after a bit. So, Remus thinks he has nothing to worry about, but James is still suspicious.
…
“Hey Petey,” James says, collapsing on his bed.
“Hiya Prongs,” Peter replies, munching on some of his leftover Honey Dukes candy.
"D’you really think Sirius is so,” he tries to find the right word, “relaxed… about me liking Reg?”
“He seemed that way, didn't he?”
“Yeah but… I don't know. Don't you think it's like outta character for him, though?”
“Yeah, I guess you have a point.”
…
So after talking to all the marauders and getting absolutely nowhere (yes, James still thinks he got nowhere even though Remus confirmed Sirius had his breakdown and Peter says that he wasn’t suspicious of Sirius at all), James had only one choice.
“LLLIILLLLLYYYYYYY!”
“Tits on fucking Christ, James! What the hell do you want!” Whoops, he must've startled her.
“I’m so sorry, Lily, love of my life, my favourite, my heart, my soul, my reason to live-” He says, cuddling into her shoulder on the other side of the couch where she's sitting in the common room embroidering some flare jeans he’s guessing are Mary’s. He was cut off, though.
“Yes, yes, James I love you too, what do you need?” She smiles and rolls her eyes.
“Y’know how I said I kinda maybe liked someone?”
“Yes, and how I guessed it was Regulus and then watched you turn dark red?”
“Stop reminding me.”
“Why would I do that?”
“We're getting off-topic!”
“Well get to the point then love,” she chuckles. He loves Lily so much, sometimes he wonders if they get together in a different life. He wonders if they are happy there.
“I told Sirius,” and if James knew that would get her attention so suddenly, he would've started with that.
She stops embroidering the jeans and looks up with a shocked expression, “What! Oh my gosh! What’d he say? Should I prepare your tombstone?” She half jokes.
“He already knew, well, he said he suspected it but was still really shocked to have it confirmed. I’m still having whiplash from it.”
“Aw, love,” she gives him a sad smile and cuddles into his side a little more, “are you confused why he didn’t have a dramatic flare?”
“I think so. I just feel really confused in general, like it’s not real.”
“Oh James, love, I’m sure Sirius had time to process it beforehand, which probably helped him keep a cooler head, as impossible as that seems. I’d think all he wants right now is for you and Regulus to be happy. Did you think you were going to lose him because of this?”
James takes a deep breath, “I think so,” he’s still trying desperately to hold back tears.
Lily turns to him so they’re fully hugging now, “James, you and Sirius are attached like glue, I don’t think because you like his little brother he’s going to leave you. He’s probably just scared to lose Regulus again. You know how hard it’s been, not just for Sirius, for Regulus as well. I think that there is nothing in this world that could separate you. He loves you, and you love him, nothing will change that, my love.”
James can’t help but let some of his tears fall. James doesn’t cry often, if anything he’s normally comforting and not being comforted. Lily is one of the few people he feels close enough to cry with. It’s not that James doesn’t want to cry, he just thinks he isn’t allowed, he’s the strong one. Always cracking jokes and helping others. He doesn’t typically give himself time to really feel. He loves that Lily is someone he can feel safe with.
“Thanks Lils.”
“You don’t need to thank me, I’m here for you, James.”
…
Now that James had poured his soul out to Lily, he feels so much better. He regularly feels that way after speaking to Lily Evans, as most people do.
Now his only problem was what to do next.
Of course, he can always ask Reg out like a sensible person, but when has James Fleamont Potter ever been reasonable?
He gets his idea when he’s walking into the Great Hall for dinner that night. Well he’s handed his idea as he’s walking into the Great Hall, Reg slipped a note into his pocket.
You seemed off today, would you like to meet in our room?
R. A. B.
He gets snitches in his stomach, and he breaks out in goosebumps from the note (especially the part that says ‘our room’ in regulus’ elegant script.) James is so weak in the knees for this boy, it’s ridiculous.
…
The entire dinner he was filled with anxiety, which is so stupid because he and Regulus meet up and hang out all the time! So why was he so scared?
“James, Jaaaammmeeessss, Prongs, Jam, JAMES!” Sirius’ yell has him nearly falling off the bench.
“What!”
“You okay there, mate? Looks like you just saw Professor Binns naked,” Sirius smirks.
“Ew, why do you put that stuff into my head!”
“S’funny.”
James rolls his eyes and continues to try to eat. Stupidly, he looks up to the Slytherin table, meeting eyes with Regulus, who gives the smallest of smiles and looks to the doors and back to James. James nods and begins to make his excuses to leave.
…
James makes it to the room and is now pacing in front of it waiting for Regulus to show up.
“Are you okay, James? You look stressed,” Regulus says upon seeing his half frantic state.
“Yeah, uh, hey, can we talk really quick?”
“Yes, that is typically why we go to the room,” Regulus says, giving James a playful smile. He can practically feel how much the boy is judging him right now.
They enter the room, which is the same as it is every time they go to talk. Two big squishy couches, one a sage green and the other one a mauve red. Plainly decorated stone walls with a coffee table in between the two couches. A bookshelf that covers the entire left wall, brimming with books that Regulus has read to James on more than one occasion. Finally, a fireplace with an already lit fire, making the room a comfortable temperature.
Regulus sits down on the green couch (obviously, he wouldn’t be caught dead on the red one), “What’s on your mind then? You’ve seemed tense since this morning, and your eyes were slightly bloodshot when you were walking into the Great Hall.” Always the observer, Regulus Black. James' friendship with the boy only seems to amplify his scrutiny to a scary degree.
James sighs, “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“Okay. Go ahead,” Regulus says, shifting uncomfortably. This conversation is now making both of them tense, great .
“Reg…”
“James, please, just say it before I freak out.”
“Regulus,” He makes full eye contact with the other boy, “I like you. Not in a friendship way, either. I like you romantically, quite a lot, actually.”
Oh.
Oh .
Regulus is definitely going to freak out, because holy fuck. James Potter likes him. James Potter likes him . What is that stupid boy thinking!
…
James notices the shocked expression on the boy and watches blood drain from his face, and thinks he’s undoubtedly just fucked everything up. Fuck .
After a couple seconds of silence, James starts to really worry, “Reg, you don't have to like me back or anything, but will you please just say something?”
James just watches as Regulus’ face stays stupefied. James sighs again.
“I’m going to leave Reg, I hope we can stay friends. I’m sorry. Write to me if you feel like it.”
James gets up and leaves their little room, disheartened. He really was hoping Regulus was going to like him back, and then they’d just kiss and fall in love and get married and buy a house and get a cat because regulus doesn't like dogs and just do everything that you do when you're in love. Fuck. James thinks he might cry. He heads back to the dorm.
…
“Soooooooo, how’d it go with Reggie,” Sirius smirks as he walks into the room.
James barks a self-deprecating laugh, “Shit,” James then completely breaks down.
…
Regulus is so… confused? Flabbergasted? Shocked? Appalled? Stunned? Confounded? Honestly, the synonyms could go on for ages . His brain genuinely won’t catch up to what's happening. The gears are still grinding together, stuck on the repeated phrases from his mother that he thinks will always haunt him.
“You're the spare, Regulus, do keep up.” “So quiet you are, why can't you speak up Regulus, if you're to be the heir you need to stop acting so useless.” “Regulus, you always fuck up! This is why you're the spare.” “It's going to be hard to find someone to continue the Black Family with you, so quiet and gaunt.” “You're lucky your brother's more of a fuck-up than you are, always thought you'd stay a spare.” Spare, spare, spare, spare, spare, spare, spARE, SPARE, SPARE .
Those words echo in his brain. Hunting him. Taunting him. He’s come so far since running away, he barely believes them any more. Sometimes… fuck but sometimes. Sometimes it's too hard to fight them off, they drown him. They drown him, and all he wants to do is take a breath.
He wonders if James really does like him, or if he was only playing a prank. James doesn't seem to be that cruel. He hasn't seemed cruel. Maybe it was an act. Wouldn't that be tragic?
Regulus doesn’t know what to think. He feels like he’s spiralling. There’s so much going on in his brain that he feels like it might explode.
He slowly stands on shaking feet and exits the room. Pandora will know what to do.
…
James and Sirius are cuddled up on his bed. James has his head hiding in a pillow, Sirius is rambling in his ear.
“It’s so weird, could've sworn he was gay. Brother like brother, y'know?”
“Sirius, I don’t think that's a saying.”
“Well it is now, Brother like brother.”
James gives a wet laugh at Sirius’ attempts of cheering him up, it’s working a little bit, surprisingly.
“OK, but I really thought he was queer. I mean, my dar isn’t perfect, but it normally doesn’t steer me wrong.”
Sirius continues to ramble about his gay dar and how he knew Marlene was a lesbian before anyone else, while James just tries to figure out how he can make Regulus forget his confession without actually having to obliviate him.
...
Regulus wasn’t sure if he was right about Pandora.
“Oh Regulus! That’s just tragic, why would you just sit there while he poured his heart out to you! Honestly, I thought I taught you better,” Pandora scolds him of all things. He’s halfway to a panic attack, and she scolds him!
“Pandora-” He’s cut off.
“No excuses! We are going to write to him right now, and you are going to tell him you like him, and you guys are going to meet up in the disappearing room and kiss and fall in love! OK?”
“I- OK,” He grimaces.
Pandora fetches him some parchment and a quill, which he picks up and holds over the paper. His hand has started to shake, the mantra of vile words said by his mother rushes to the forefront of his brain, choking him with bile.
“Oh dear. This is due to your mother, isn't it Regulus?” Pandora rests a hand on his back as she coos the words, in the sweetly soft murmur that she always speaks in.
Regulus’ eyes sting. He doesn't want to cry right now.
“Oh, love, you are nothing of what your mother said you are. You aren’t a spare, or a replacement, and most definitely not anything less than Sirius or anyone for that matter. You are you Regulus, and that is enough,” She reaches out and cradles him in her arms as tears prick Regulus’ eyes. Regulus loves Pandora with his whole heart, who couldn’t love this girl though?
After their little moment, Regulus feels an odd surge of…not determination but tenacity. He writes the letter.
…
James gets a letter three days after the initial meeting in Regulus’ and his room. It would have been sooner, but Regulus chickened out of sending the letter about five times, causing a very fed-up Pandora to steal the letter and send it herself.
James was honestly shocked. For the last three days all he had been doing was mourning Regulus’ and his friendship, he thought he scared Reg away. So, the letter shocked him to say the least.
Seeing the elegant script made snitches fly in his stomach, as anything relating to Regulus typically does (this of course excludes any and all the boy’s relatives). James excuses himself to the dorm once he receives it, making the excuse of having an upset stomach. This causes a sly grin to form on Sirius’ face, “Want me to come and help, I’m sure I can distract you from it.”
“Piss off, your boyfriend is sitting next to you, flirt with him.”
“Sometimes I regret my decision to date you,” He hears Remus mumbles as Sirius begins to make lewd gestures.
Once James is in the dorm, he opens the note. And once again, without fail, the script makes snitches flutter about in his stomach. Anticipation curls in his stomach as he reads.
James,
I'm sorry for my initial reaction to your confession. I didn’t know how to react.
Would you like to meet in
our room
the disappearing room? At six?
Yours
R. A. B.
James can tell Regulus was nervous writing the letter. Based on the way he scratched out words or how his writing was just a hint shaky (the reader should keep in mind that only James would pick this up about Regulus, this is because James notices everything about Regulus.) James scribbles a note back.
See you at 6!
James <3
Now James was filled with hope. Because maybe just maybe Reg likes him back, and he only reacted bad because of his trauma (which they will definitely be discussing if that's the case). James works through all of his classwork in no time, anxious for it to be six o'clock.
It’s about 5:37 when James shows up to the disappearing room.
Regulus is already there.
Reg startles, looks up, flushes a deep crimson, and then just stares. He just stands there and stares at James, like a deer in headlights.
James just smiles, “Do you want to go in?”
“Yes, of course, my apologies,” Regs murmurs, the blush stays stubborn.
James chuckles and they go into the room.
It’s a little stiff, the atmosphere. Regulus is so taut that James is worried that if he steps too suddenly, Reg will run off. He’s like a spooked deer, which James finds very ironic.
“James-” Regulus cuts himself off, looking extremely frustrated.
Regulus opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, struggling to find words, “Reg, it’s okay, I’m not mad, I just want to hear your thoughts. Take your time.”
Regulus’ eyes sting, “I’m really sorry. I just couldn’t fathom the thought that you could possibly like me. Then mother’s words started to haunt me and I just freaked out. I- I still don’t know if I even believe you,” He wetly chuckles, stray tears falling from his eyes.
“May I kiss you?” James whispers, so quiet he wasn’t sure Regulus heard him. Then Reg nods, just slightly.
James sets a delicate hand on Regulus’ face, cradling it so softly , like Regulus is the most precious thing in the world, James thinks he is. Regulus looks up, meeting James' eyes, who leans in. Regulus meets him.
They kiss tenderly, softly, lovingly . It’s all so soft, if Regulus wasn’t already crying, he would have now. James cradles him, setting a gentle hand on his lower back, bringing the two of them oh so close. Regulus carefully wraps his arms around James’ neck. They kiss for only a minute or two, then just hold each other for another few minutes.
“Believe me now?” James murmurs softly into Regulus' neck.
“I’m not sure, I think I might need a few more kisses,” Regulus smirks at him devilishly.
James’ smile could light the darkest of places. He kisses him. His cheeks, his forehead, his nose, his neck, his ears, his hair. Regulus wishes this moment was eternity.
“Be my boyfriend, then?” James says, lifting his head from where he was softly kissing Regulus’ neck. Everything he does is so soft .
Regulus laughs, James wants the sound to be made into a record, so he could listen to it like his favourite songs. Regulus’ laugh is James’ favourite song.
“Hmm… I guess so,” Regulus kisses James. And suddenly everything feels right .
…
James returns to the dorm way past midnight. Sirius is waiting for him.
“Did you deflower my baby brother, James Fleamont Potter?”
James grimaces at the wording, “No Padfoot, we kissed a bit and then talked about why he ran away from me, we're only now dating! I’m not shagging him until I’ve at least taken him out to dinner!”
Sirius eyes James, “Alright, fine. Are you guys happy?”
James just smiles, “Very.”