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When Trina first tells him she’s pregnant, Marvin is terrified. He’d never dreamed of becoming a father, hadn’t even considered it a possibility. He can’t fathom the idea of bringing a little human into the world. He doesn’t know how to raise a child. He has no idea what a caring parent looks like; he’s used to maids and long stretches of silence, only getting attention when he throws a fit. He doesn’t want his kid to experience the same loneliness.
As Trina’s stomach swells, so do Marvin’s fears.
They sit Trina’s parents down and hesitantly tell them the news. Her mother nearly faints. Her father’s face immediately turns red as he shouts at Marvin, demanding they get married to save their daughter’s dignity.
They get married quickly, with Trina in a loose dress that hides her growing stomach and Marvin in a dark suit that conceals his sweat stains. If their guests are suspicious of the sudden ceremony, they do not voice it. Marvin marches to his death in the most dignified way he can. He listens to the vows that hammer the final nails in his coffin. He is lowered into the ground as they exchange rings and sign the ketubah. The dirt is piled onto him as the guests cry Mazel Tov! when he finally manages to break the glass on his third attempt.
The baby arrives in a flood, howling into the world as Trina digs her nails into Marvin’s arm. They’d already agreed on a name, Jason, months ago. It was a name Marvin carelessly threw out after they learned they were having a boy, and for some reason, Trina loved it. So Jason is born on a rainy Saturday, and Marvin has a family.
Marvin sees himself in his little Jason. His pouting lips, his curly hair. His temper. He looks into his big, brown eyes—his mother’s—and melts.
Marvin takes him to the park and buys him ice cream, laughs to himself as Jason pouts and diligently wipes grass stains off his pants. He teaches him how to play chess, which had always been a refuge for him growing up. Jason takes to it quickly, just as he had. His tongue sticks out a little as he focuses hard on the pieces before him, his hand twitches in the air before he makes a move. Marvin always lets him win. The fleeting twinge of disappointment is worth every second of Jason’s joyful shouts.
He’s far from perfect, but he tries.
Marvin gets lost in his head, swimming in the fantasies of who he could be. How he can force himself to be happy. How he can meld his family into perfection.
He pushes, he pulls, he shouts. He does everything he shouldn’t to pretend he is what he isn’t.
He makes eye contact with men in public bathrooms. Lets them pull him into the dark of a large stall. He starts going to bars, lying to Trina about business meetings and late hours at work to fall into a new bed with a new body. A body he doesn’t have to close his eyes to touch. A body he knows how to touch almost intuitively.
He meets Whizzer on one of these nights, and instantly knows he is forever damned. His image, his family, his job—everything he has worked so hard to mold into perfection, he knows, is now at risk of tumbling down.
Jason stays up far past his bedtime, much to Trina’s dismay, to see Marvin when he comes home late. The first time, Marvin was so ashamed at being greeted by the embodiment of his lies right after finally giving into his desires that he lashed out, screaming at both Jason and Trina until he was red in the face and they were in tears.
Jason continues to wait for him, tentatively, hiding in the shadows, only coming out if he knows his dad isn’t in a bad mood.
When Marvin comes home and doesn’t find Jason waiting for him, he knows that his façade is coming to an end.
Whizzer is the sun, and Marvin is Icarus. He’s drawn to his flame, taking every opportunity to be at his side, concocting new excuses to be with him. His sun burns the wings right off him, casting him back to the ground.
Marvin’s brain doesn’t register the loud gasp until he hears the choked sob.
He quickly jumps away from Whizzer and turns to his teary-eyed wife. He stammers out questions (Baby, I thought you were staying at your parents’?) and excuses (I was just…showing Whizzer the new furniture) but it’s no use. Trina’s eyes are finally open, staring right at the truth of her marriage.
———
Jason loses his dad and his hero all at once. He thinks he’s losing his mom, too, if her sudden and frequent hysterics are any indication of who she is now.
Jason keeps to himself now. He silently plays chess, rotating the board each turn. He’s the winner and loser all at once.
School only gets worse for him. He’s always been a bit of an outcast, but the vicious rumors spreading through their street only make it worse—rumors that his dad is a filthy cheater and his mom is a foolish clown. He supposes they’re right, which only serves to make him lash out when a classmate asks—or worse, laughs.
His mom is too distraught to intervene, and his dad is too absorbed in this man, this Whizzer, to even care.
His dad only starts to show an interest again when Mendel, clammy handed and chapped lipped, appears.
Jason helps Mendel and his mom get together, because the least his mom deserves is some affection from someone who wants to shower her with it. His dad reappears then, red-faced and clenched fists. He hits a wall, and then Mom.
Jason stares at his dad, wondering where it all went wrong. Did it start with his birth? No, Mom says those were the happiest years, at least for a while. Did it start with Whizzer? No, Dad was always a bit distant with Mom. Jason hadn’t realized it until he saw how Mendel spent time with her, asked about her day, held her. Dad never did those things, even before Whizzer.
All Jason knows is that he is terrified. The man who used to check under his bed for monsters has now become the monster, terrorizing them all.
Dad leaves, and Jason doesn’t know if he’ll ever see him again.
A knock on the door days later announced his return. Jason stands in the middle of the living room, straining to catch snippets of the conversation. He hears the word “psychiatrist” mentioned.
The door creaks as it’s opened wider.
Dad sits him down, apologizes, promises to be better. Jason isn’t sure if he should believe it, if the monster is really gone, but he runs into his open arms anyway, closing his eyes as his dad holds him for the first time in too long.
———
For the first time in too long, Marvin tries.
He tidies up the apartment on weekends, makes sure Jason’s room is nicely decorated, does his best to cook an edible meal. He buys Jason a new chess board and the new command base Lego set on his birthday. He buys him a cake, decorates the apartment, plans a festive dinner with Mendel and Trina and his new friends from next door. Jason laughs, high-pitched and loud, and Marvin can’t wipe the smile from his face as Trina reminds him that they need to keep the volume down in the restaurant. For the first time in too long, Jason is happy again.
Marvin thinks he’s getting there, too.