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Emotions could feed off of you as no wild beast could ever do. Nothing compared to fear (Narcissa knew everything about that nagging feeling, starting small and growing the longer it was allowed to feast) or hope (she didn’t even want to think about that one). But another dangerous emotion was sadness; heartbreaking, withering sadness with its dark tendrils encompassing you oh so slowly that you don’t even notice until it’s too late.
At the moment, Narcissa was watching the latter taking hold of a new member of her group. She couldn’t fault the girl, she had just lost absolutely everything, left broken and shattered, expected to somehow survive in a world hellbent to erase her very existence.
She was in a tricky position. All her life, Narcissa had been taught to hate people like the girl, to regard her as something beneath her, not even as a full human. And yet, now she had been instructed to make friends, or at the very least… help her get comfortable amidst the death eaters and ease her pain.
How were you supposed to ease a mother’s grief for her first-born son? A madness only possible to come from men who had never loved so fiercely, they’d give up everything.
There wasn’t an easy way to do this. Narcissa had been brooding all morning, looking for a solution to the problem and this was all she had managed to come up with. However, she wouldn’t just watch the girl give in after doing the unthinkable.
Lily Evans had stood up to the Dark Lord. She was too stubborn to just wither from a broken heart now. Narcissa would find a way, even if it meant going mad over a mudblood.
But first, she’d had to soothe Draco who just woke up from his morning nap. After a vicious cold, she was just happy to see him get some sleep.
—
“You know, we could have tea and a little chat sometime? I’d love to have someone around that’s not all about their work all the time,” Narcissa tried her luck for the probably three-hundredth time already, offering invitation after invitation.
To be honest, she wasn’t hopeful, Lily Evans – stripped of her marital status after her husband’s untimely death – would accept this time but what else could she do at this point? It’s been months since the girl had hidden herself away from prying eyes, left in the care of Severus Snape who grew more frustrated with her by the day. Narcissa had to keep her hope of achieving something one day for all of their sakes.
“Hm, why not,” came the soft reply after a few beats of silence.
It took Narcissa a solid minute to process this.
She snapped her head up in disbelief, eyes wide open. “You’d like to…?” Later, she’d curse the girl for having Narcissa act so graceless, so undignified but for now, she couldn’t believe her ears.
Lily Evans simply nodded, a defiant stare in those green eyes, today clearer than they’d been in months.
“Well, then we might just set up a date and time… and I’ll look around for a nice café. Worst case, we’ll simply have a little picnic in our gardens, right?” She smiled, hopeful that this was the breakthrough she’d waited for.
The Dark Lord would be so happy with this progress. A happy Lily Evans meant a happy Severus that could focus on his tasks again instead of moping about his childhood sweetheart.
—
It was dreadful.
The girl didn’t know small talk if her life literally depended on it. They had sat in silence for minutes now, Narcissa unsure how to navigate these new waters. She had never had to converse with a mudblood on a civil level before. What did they talk about, what did they do in their free time? Did they enjoy the same music? Surely not, it was well-known that mudbloods, just like muggles, had terrible tastes. And no manners, as demonstrated by Lily Evans now. She simply sat there and never came up with a topic herself.
Narcissa wondered if the reward would be worth the effort she was putting into her project.
“So… what are you usually doing all day? Severus is a very private man, I virtually know nothing about his preferences–”
“I read, mostly. Potion books and reports about new ingredients, their specifications and new-found characteristics in certain uses.”
“Ah, that sounds… wonderful.” Her tone implied otherwise but Narcissa was well-bred.
“It’s boring. I…” Hesitantly, Lily looked around before leaning the slightest bit towards Narcissa who instinctively leant away. It happened so fast but Lily still noticed and faltered a bit. “Listen, I know you probably only do this for Severus, not for me. But I hoped I could get some fresh air and talk to someone…”
Narcissa couldn’t help to demonstratively look around them before adding dryly: “Well, we’re in the garden, that should be enough fresh air.” The weak smirk that earned her was reward enough. Lily Evans seemed to have a sense of humour beneath that grief-stricken surface, good. With some time, she’d crack that one as well.
—
“What are you doing with that mudblood, Cissy? Don’t get too cosy with her or people will start talking–”
“Since when are you worried about the people?” Narcissa lifted an eyebrow in mock suspicion. Being sisters with the considered most powerful witch in the British Isles had its perks. It also meant that she was always under scrutiny by said witch and that wasn’t something Narcissa wanted to go through anymore. She hadn’t been a teenager for some years now. “You know the Dark Lord asked me to look after her and make sure she behaves. It’s not like I’m mingling with Lily by choice.”
“ Lily . You’re on a first-name basis?”
“Oh for goodness’ sake, Bellatrix. Am I supposed to call her mudblood? That’s one surefire way to drive her back into her shell. Her first name is Lily and if she is to stay with Severus, we’ll have to adapt. She is very good with Draco.” It was true. While it had taken quite a bit for the two women to warm up to each other, Draco had conquered Lily’s heart with flying colours. After that, it had been easy to have her warm up a little bit.
However, not everyone was as elated as Narcissa about these new developments. Lucius wasn’t too fond of his wife being seen with a (disgraced) mudblood, but as long as it served his reputation with the Dark Lord, he kept his mouth shut. Bellatrix, on the other side, was not as easily swayed. The Dark Lord’s wishes came above all else but just like him, she had other ideas of “looking after” Lily Evans.
In the end, the interpretation was up for debate but nobody could fault her for not obeying their supreme leader’s wishes.
“Fine. But don’t get too attached. One wrong step of her and she’ll be done for.”
With this chilling threat, Bellatrix took her leave and left Narcissa with a chill running down her back. This wouldn’t happen, not if she could help it. Lily Evans was her charge and her… friend .
—
“What do you mean I have to be more like you?!” Lily didn’t take it well. “You think I am some pet you can train and put into expensive clothes, something to entertain your death eater friends?”
On a good note, this was more emotion she had managed to get out of the girl in months. She hadn’t seen her that agitated in… forever actually. The red hair flowed beautifully as Lily paced up and down agitatedly, gesturing with her hands and pure anger written all over her scrunched-up face.
She was gorgeous.
And it was imperious that she survived. With that attitude, it would become even more difficult though.
“I mean that you have to act like a pureblood or that you at least want to be a pureblood. Listen, I know it’s hard and it’s been hard, but it’ll be even harder if you act like a petulant child.”
“How dare you.” Lily squinted, ready to poke her finger into Narcissa’s chest. “I have lost absolutely everything, my family, my friends. I wasn’t even allowed to keep my name and now you’re telling me I am acting like a child?! You spoilt little–”
Oh, couldn’t she feel the pain in these words? Narcissa knew Lily was still hurting. Just imagining her losing Draco nearly drove her insane. Nobody else could understand, only another mother could sympathise with the feeling. However, she had no choice in this. They were women and they had ways of dealing and surviving.
“We have no time for this now, Lily. If you don’t adapt, they’ll get rid of you. The Dark Lord and my sister–”
“Oh spare me, let them kill me finally. This is no life anyway.”
She had enough. With a slap, she silenced the girl. “Snap out of it right now. This is not like you, bathing in self-pity and wallowing about what-ifs. Don’t let them have this, too. You’re stronger than all of them and this is your chance to prove it. I won’t watch a friend ruin herself because she is too proud to survive.” Her words turned into a snarl but if this was the only language Lily Evans wanted to speak then she’d happily comply. “You haven’t grown up with purebloods, the games, the traps… you either learn the dance or you’re out. It’s dirty business but you’ll live. And I won’t let you die.”
She was too upset to say something she wouldn’t regret later. Narcissa Malfoy turned on her heels and stalked out of the room, leaving a stunned Lily Evans in her wake, both women wondering if this was their life now.
—
It took her days to digest their last encounter. Her mood was clouded that even Lucius noticed something had to be off. And this was a truly worrying thing. Lucius wasn’t one to pay attention to others’ feelings although he had learnt to listen to his wife, and yet, this time he had spotted something was amiss all by himself.
Narcissa knew she had to step up her game.
She returned to Lily – this time with the resolve to not be as soft as she had been, for Lily’s sake alone.
However, her attempt was thwarted before she even had a chance to do anything. When she entered the place Severus and Lily were currently occupying – with the first one out on another secret mission – the girl met her, eyes clearer and sparkling more than Narcissa had seen before. The red hair was tamed and glossy, put into a proper bun and well away from the old but relatively expensive-looking velvet dress. Lily Evans looked poor but like royalty.
Narcissa’s mouth ran dry at the sight.
“What do you say, Mrs Malfoy? Am I good enough for your little friends?” Lily twirled and showed off her figure. Narcissa couldn’t help but stare, her friend was a sight to behold. And she had missed that mischievous minx over the last few days. Their sense of humour aligned strangely and it was refreshing. For once, someone was interested in more than her last name and her fortune.
“Narcissa? Are you alright?”
Quickly, she cleared her throat: “No, you’re not but it’s a start. I think we have to pay a visit to my most trusted seamstress.”
“You have a seamstress?”
They both had a short stare-off, both contemplating their choices, coming to the conclusion that they needed each other. If not for survival then for companionship and the possibility to be themselves for a short little while.
—
Lily’s introduction into their circle as a proper lady went perfectly. She was a true sight in a dark-green gown, capturing every onlooker’s eyes including Narcissa’s. She told herself it was like a mother’s pride. After all, it had taken a considerable amount of work to make the mudblood presentable and have her blend into a crowd of pureblood families of the highest order. Only the best for the Dark Lord’s most trusted man.
“What’s with that face, Narcissa?” Lucius appeared next to her, following her line of sight.
“Don’t like the attention she’s getting? Don’t worry, once the novelty passes, they’ll be back hovering over you again.” He took a sip of his glass. “Now smooth those wrinkles, you’re looking beyond your years.”
With that last remark, he continued to make his rounds and left Narcissa fuming.
But also thoughtful. No. She didn’t miss the attention she received from men and women alike simply because she was Mrs Malfoy, hailing from the most proper and prestigious Black family. With a pang, she realised she didn’t like that they were all staring at Lily. She’d like nothing more than to take her back to Malfoy Manor, have a little picnic and enjoy their time alone like they used to.
Patience, she told herself. Today belonged to Lily Evans’ glorious presentation, tomorrow they’d be themselves and she’d have her friend for herself again.
This was part of the Dance that dictated their lives. It had to be done and they all had to endure.
Later that evening, Lily found her way to Narcissa, winking conspiratorially. “Are you happy, Mrs Malfoy? I’ve become a cute little doll without a single thought in my head.”
“Don’t say that, not here. You’re gorgeous.” The words were out before they could have been stopped. Narcissa tried to ignore the heat creeping up her neck and cheeks but it was no use. That devilish wink had erased every last thought in her head. What a disgrace.
Lily was watching her in the meantime, head slightly tipped to one side before something like understanding passed over her features and a grin nearly split her face. “Thank you”, was the simple reply and those were the last few words they exchanged that night.
—
Life had become something else. She hadn’t thought she’d survive the loss of her loved ones in this new world of hatred and danger. She hadn’t thought she’d find a friend with a wicked sense of humour and the determination to keep her alive when not even Lily herself wanted to live. And yet, somehow Narcissa Malfoy had managed to not only give her a chance but so much more.
They had spent a lot of time together by now, she had been cultivating her crush for a while now too, but it hadn’t seemed possible that Narcissa would reciprocate those feelings at any point. They were too different in a world that wanted conformity – and Lily dead.
However, here they were.
The blush she had caught on Narcissa’s face last night was proof enough. Or at least, it gave Lily hope she’d have a chance. Her new life was like a nightmare and only the times she spent with her friend gave her a taste of what it could be, a feeling she had last felt with… she didn’t want to go there now. The conflicting emotions, love battling with guilt, were already strong enough. She didn’t want to give them any more fuel for their flames.
James was gone and for some reason, she had survived. She was obligated to make the best of it now. Somehow. But she knew, she’d find a way no matter how short-lived it might be.
“Someone in there? Or are you dreaming about ingredients and their characteristics again?” Narcissa sat down again after herding Draco off to a nanny Lily hadn’t seen before. The Malfoys were quite particular about who was good enough to spend time with their son and the staff was no exception.
“Oh, yeah, sorry. Daydreaming a bit. Draco’s grown a lot, right?” The little devil was always the easiest way to distract Narcissa – she probably noticed those attempts instantly but played along. In contrast to what everyone said, the young Mrs Malfoy was clever and a lot more savvy than anyone expected. This fact could either be her biggest trump one day, or the reason for her downfall. That simply was the way clever women went.
A slitted death stare she earned was answer enough. And yet, Narcissa replied: “Absolutely, he’s shaping up to be a real gentleman in no time. Not the first work in progress that I’ll get to perfection.”
Lily couldn’t help that chuckle. “I take it you’re satisfied with my debut then?”
“It was passable.”
A short answer. Nothing unheard but still, strange. Had something upset her?
“Are you alright? Was there a mistake I made? Come on, you’re usually not shy to highlight things I need to improve. Any lessons to teach me?” It was pathetic, the way she scrambled to find excuses to spend time together. Maybe Narcissa didn’t want to see her again, now that her task was complete. But hadn’t she called her a friend before? No, no, Lily had seen the look in her eyes yesterday. They weren’t just a successfully finished assignment. They couldn’t be.
“No, everything is alright. I…” She stopped in her tracks. Narcissa, known to never hesitate, mulled over her thoughts, shooting a glare at Lily, starting up again: “Last night, I hated that they could see you like this. That new and shiny version of you, that suits their views. That’s not who you are and I hate that you have to be someone else for them. I hated it, everything. And myself above all else because I made you into this.”
Self-hatred and guilt strained her voice, wrecking Narcissa’s flawless face with that air of aristocracy that could not be trained or attained, that you simply possessed.
“Stop. You’re right, you made me into this version of myself, but it’s still me underneath. You taught me how to survive among wolves. You showed me how to live again despite the odds. I still hate this, but it’s so much more bearable with you in my life. I would have drowned if it weren’t for you.” Lily looked at her friend, willed her eyes to convey what her mouth didn’t dare to say aloud. “You put me together when I couldn’t even clear my thoughts. Narcissa, you’re–”
“Don’t say it.”
Grey eyes staring at her in shock, realisation written all over them, had Lily stop her speech. But the look on Narcissa’s face had something blooming in Lily’s chest, something small and fragile, but also fierce and fearless.
“It’s not safe here. But yes, me too, Lily. Me too. I feel the same.”