Work Text:
Insanity comes to the vulnerable easier-- in the waves that crash upon the shore, the wind that shakes the trees, and to the lambs which rest their bodies on the plains that surround them.
Judas felt the rays of the sun touch his skin, mirroring affection, though in vain. Something inside him screamed and writhed-- dug at him, like a parasite. He gripped the rope which laid gently in his hands.
A sin in order to redeem my soul--
My redemption based on pain.
His palms felt warm. He bit down on his lip, the taste of metal entering his mouth.
Forgive me, Lord.
He put the rope away, setting it aside.
---
Judas spent his last day alive in silence. He felt his wife gazing at him, her eyes filled with nothing; a hollow stare. The look of an animal before it is slaughtered.
He muttered the words of prayer to himself and watched her leave for the last time.
---
Night came. No stars shone above him-- no light but the moon, Her warmth holding him, hearing his quiet sobs. Cries disguised as a lullaby, Judas found himself in a deep sleep.
Though, for the first time in what seemed like ages, he was not alone.
He-- his Lord, with His holy hands- touched him. Judas felt this, saw in shock, the imitated love of God.
Jesus smiled His sweet smile, wiping the wet face of the other man. He did not appear angry. No words were spoken between the two.
Judas clung to him, fingers red from clenching white robes, body shaking, knees buckling.
Please, please. Forgive me. Forgive me, Lord.
Jesus held his face, planting a gentle kiss to his forehead.
I will join you when the sun rises. Tomorrow, forgive me, or punish me-- whichever you see fit. My fate is with you. My heart is with you; it always has been. Do what you will with my wretched soul, for I have lost everything.
Jesus kissed Judas then, in his dream. Holding him, loving him. Judas felt himself calm down-- though the Lord spoke no words, He knew. He knew everything.
Judas let the Lord touch him, unworthy and full of sorrow. A final act of devotion and worship in an effort for redemption.
His last night alive, under an empty sky, Judas was not sad.
No longer was Judas clinging to the Lord out of desparation-- instead his weak arms wrapped around Jesus, letting himself go, allowing himself to feel what the Son of God wished for him.
Pleasure. Love, forgiveness. Something foreign-- a feeling he had not felt in a long time.
Each gasp a prayer, whimpers and moans acted as psalms which escaped his mouth.
Judas cried no more. His eyes would not cry so long as his gaze was on what he cherished most.
I love you, Judas. Feel this-- feel me. Feel the love I have for you, feel the world around you whisper forgiveness into your worthy ears.
Judas fell asleep against the chest of Jesus. He felt it rise and fall.
---
Judas heard the birds sing as he opened his eyes. Extending his arm, he reached for flesh, instead met with his fingers brushing against an empty bed. He was alone again; though not for long. He smiled to himself and laid in silence, allowing himself to rest before getting up.
---
A beautiful day.
Judas felt the sun on his skin. He said nothing and felt the warmth touch him. The lambs in the field watched him. The cocks crowed, and life continued.
He died with a smile on his lips, remembering the feeling his Lord had left him with. The rope was gentle on his neck.
Think of me kindly.