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I don’t intend this to become a will or something like that, so I’ll just write as the words flow into my mind. Why did I feel the imperious need to do this? I honestly don’t know. I just happened to look at your dumb little face and thought What if I can’t see that face again one day? The road by your side is a dangerous one, after all. So I’ll try to convey everything into this piece of paper, as concisely as I can.
To my little God,
I have known you for many years now, but I have to admit I was a bit nervous before meeting you. I already knew I would be assigned to be by your side when you arrived at the Tower. I’m the best guide FUG could bring to their side, after all. So I wasn’t surprised when they gave me the order to go find you at the Floor of Tests. This was FUG’s most important mission, the starting point for everyone’s revenge against the tyrant King and the Ten Families. Anyone would be at least a little anxious. Regardless, the feeling didn’t show up in my face at all. As you always say, I have a perfect poker face.
Another thing I have admit is that I was deeply disappointed when I first saw you. But you can’t blame me for that, can you? A naive boy who didn’t know anything about the world, who was obsessed with a girl that had equal opportunity to make him rise to the top, as to make him fall into the deepest abyss. How would a boy like you be capable of killing the great Jahad? I couldn’t envision it, as Irregular’s fates are often hard to read, or are even unreadable at times. I was concerned, to say the least.
However, when I attacked your most precious one in order to provoke you, you suddenly unleashed an intense burst of power, and everything around you seemed to stop moving for a moment. The shinsu around you answered to your emotions, even though you probably didn’t even know that much about shinsu up until then. That told me you had a chance, you had the potential needed to accomplish our goal. The road ahead might be longer and harder than we would’ve expected at first, but the possibility was there. I was so glad I didn’t care I lost one eye for that.
And so I carried out FUG’s plan: use the girl you loved so much and her ugliest feelings against you. The outcome? We inflicted on you one of the worst wounds you could suffer. You almost died, yes, but that wasn’t the biggest issue. Your most precious one hated you, despised you, and you didn’t even understand why. She betrayed you, she tried to kill you even when you could give your life for hers. Also, the new friends you had made thought you were dead. And i n order to protect them, you had to become what FUG, a mysterious organization you knew nothing about, wanted you to be. Something that went completely against your true, kindhearted nature: a slayer.
And so you started training every day, while I watched everything you went through. You absorbed every lesson Jinsung taught you like a dried up sponge. But, although your strength grew every day, with each passing day your once golden bright eyes grew duller, lifeless. The reason was the same thing that kept you going: your loved ones. Loneliness was killing you slowly, but you still found the strength to go on . FUG was threatening your precious friends, after all, and you would do anything for them.
You even risked your life trying to save mine at one time. Why would you do that, after all FUG (and by extension, me) has done to you? Still, that is what you do for everyone, even for your enemies. A benevolent little god who doesn’t want to be FUG’s god, but he still confesses to his partner that he wants to be as powerful as a God to be able to protect everyone and make their wishes come true. Yes, I was listening at that time. I’m always watching you, you know. Yeesh, that made me sound like a stalker, but it’s my job, okay? Nothing personal. Or so I thought. But soon enough I find myself surveilling you not because FUG ordered me to, but because I myself want to make sure you are all right. You are prone to be extremely reckless at times, after all, even if you seem so docile most of the time.
That aside, when I heard you say that, of course I found it foolish . That is something you will never be able to accomplish. You can’t make everyone happy, no one can. And you know it as well, don’t you? How dumb, how naive… How much more adorable can my little God prove to be? I couldn’t help thinking that. And so, even if I know it’s impossible, for the first time in my life, I don’t have to rely on my abilities as a Red Witch to be sure of something. For the first time ever, I find myself believing in something completely uncertain. I believe in you, my little God. I believe that you will bring change to the Tower. That you will reign over all of us, but to make this world a better place, just like you said to Khun that time at the balcony.
And I want to see that happen. I find myself excited to see the change you will bring. I don’t remember having this kind of expectations before. And to see that, I have to continue living. But what if I die tomorrow? I can’t see my own path, I don’t have the slightest idea about when or how I’m going to die. For once, that made me shiver, and made me realize I don’t want to die. I never minded the idea of dying before, but now it makes my chest feel tight. Only because I want to continue being by your side. I want to see you fulfill your dreams, even if I know they are silly, completely irrational and impossible dreams.
I don’t want to die, I want to be with you.
And now that we are both in the middle of war, I can’t help feeling restless all the time. I can’t see your path clearly. I can’t see my path at all. What if one of us dies tomorrow? The question keeps repeating inside my head. And in the end, it was that fear that made me realize that I am, indeed, in love with you. How could I not feel that way? I understand now why so many people are completely fascinated by you, b e it platonically, romantically, you even captivate your enemies.
But what do you understand about romantic love? At this point, I think I know more about you than you probably know yourself. You have changed so much compared to how you were when you first stepped into the Tower, and your feelings have changed overtime too, you know. The bottomless affection you felt for the false Irregular shifted to someone else, and it changed in nature too. However, you probably don’t understand what that really means yet, even though people who are interested in you, in that way, surround you every day. I said you have changed, and you have, but you are still so clueless in some aspects of life. Well, that is what fighting all time to survive and protect your loved ones can do to a person who never had a normal life to being with.
But you are already in love with someone else; I know that even if you don’t. So I know my feelings won’t be reciprocated. That is fine, you know. I don’t expect it to be any other way. I just don’t want to die. I want to be by your side and watch over you as I have until now.
However, you don’t have any way of knowing what has been bothering me lately, right? Even though I still keep my poker face intact, you, only you, managed to see through it and know something was wrong with me. And being the caring and straightforward boy you are, you asked me directly, when we were finally alone after our team’s daily meeting .
“Is there something wrong, Ms. Hwaryun? You have seemed off in the last few meetings.”
The look in your eyes show ed sincere concern, and I f ound it difficult to look away. That honey color tends to dr aw me in and trap me inside. How would I not be feeling off when our next mission is so damned risky? And I know someone else who has been far more open than I with his worries, but neither of us can actually lock you up in a dungeon so you can be protected. I, at least, know we shouldn’t. How can I make you raise to the top if I don’t let you continue fighting and growing? But what would that have mattered if you end up dying? Those thoughts didn’t want to let go of my head.
Still, as I said, your eyes didn’t let me avoid your question, so I kept my cool as always, and answer sincerely but concisely. “The next mission is going to be considerably difficult. Some of us may actually die.”
“I won’t let that happen.”, you answered immediately, your voice wavering a little, even though I know your determination to make that a reality is as strong as high-purity suspendium. Instead, it wavers because you are afraid. That is your greatest fear, after all. Being alone, losing your loved ones. A sudden urge to hug you assaulted me, but as always, I made it die down without letting it show in my face.
However, your next sentence certainly caught me off guard. “Are you afraid, Ms. Hwaryun? You don’t have to be afraid. I will protect you. I will protect all of you.”
As I was still trying to process what you just said, you got close to me and took my hand softly into yours, as if you needed to touch me but didn’t want to invade my personal space. Like you wanted to make sure I was there, or like you wanted to make me understand that you are here. Probably the latter. The reassuring smile on your dumb little face indicated that too. Why? Are you worried about me? Or are you afraid of me dying too?
The next thing I knew was that my lips were on yours. My eyes closed, I held contact for almost a minute, and you kept still, probably trying to understand what was happening. And when I let go of you, I started doing that too. I don’t remember having acted on impulse before in my life. Another first time, again because of you.
It’s just… You sounded so naturally concerned about me. And I know you worry about many people, and that is really nothing special, but… No one has ever cared about me, you know. I’m just a tool to guide others, and until now, I wasn’t much against it. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered, because my only drive was to overthrow Jahad, and I didn’t care what I had to do or how others used me to accomplish that goal.
But now I want things for myself, for the first time in my life, and it’s all because of you. I share your dream now, and I want to be the one helping you make that dream come true. And to be the very same person that makes me feel all of those things, be the first one that worries about me and sees me as a human being... it was overwhelming, to say the least.
“Ms. Hwaryun?” My name sounds so sweet in your voice. Stop it. I’m already too much in love with you. “You are hurting me a little.” That is when I noticed I was clutching at your shoulders with too much force. So I let go, acting like it’s not a big deal and nothing really happened.
You tilt ed your head a little, looking straight at me again, with those eyes of honey. “What was that? That was a kiss, right? But it was different from the one Miss Endorsi gave to me in the past. Why?”
“Who knows? It was just different, alright.” You didn’t seem satisfied with my answer, of course, but I just put a finger on your lips to shush you up. “Don’t ask, ok? This will be the second and last time, after all.” I pressed my lips onto yours once again, taking you by surprise once more. But now you relaxed against me much faster than before, letting out a breath through your nose that you had been holding in, and it tickled against my face.
Now I really feel like an evil witch, enchanting and deceiving the noble and innocent prince. The mental image almost makes me smile.
You still seemed frustrated that I didn’t explain the kiss, but instead you chose to pick up the original topic of our conversation. You wouldn’t let that slide, eh? “But it’s that, isn’t it? Are you afraid some of us might die? That you would die?”
Of course you wouldn’t let me get away with not answering that. You are worried about me, after all. And I am. I admit I am, even though I just care about you and me, and no one else. So I sighed slowly, resigned to tell the truth to my little God.
“I don’t know what came to me. I was never afraid of dying, not even once. I could give up my life for FUG, for you, without thinking. Not knowing my own path never bothered me. Yet now, I find myself not wanting to die. It’s not that I’m particularly afraid; I would still give up my life for you.”
Only for you, I swallowed those words in time. I was already exposing myself, but I still managed to not do it too much. And you seemed so displeased with my words. Of course you don’t want anyone sacrificing themselves for you, even though you do that every time for so many people. You are always so unfair.
“But I don’t want to die, so don’t worry.” I want to continue living beside you. “I wonder what made me change.” I smiled haughtily as if it wasn’t a big deal, as always, but you looked straight at me, with a such serious face that it almost caught me off guard once again.
“I don’t know, but you shouldn’t be surprised about being uncertain about the future and not wanting to die. You are human too, you know. Being afraid to die is to be expected.”
“I’m human...” Those words didn’t make sense to me at first, but it was true. Normally, I don’t see myself as nothing more than a Red Witch, a guide for FUG’s slayer candidate. But when I’m with you, only with you, I feel like a normal human; a human who loves another human, and that’s it. At those times, I’m just a normal woman who loves the only person that sees her as human.
Yes, I love you, my little slayer candidate. That’s what I wanted to convey with the soft kiss I left on your lips, after you said those words to me. I know you didn’t reciprocate, and that is fine. You probably didn’t even understand my actions. But knowing I was able to love someone, knowing I kissed you before it’s too late, is enough.
So I kissed you a third time, even though with the second one I said it would be the last. And as I write these words on this wrinkled piece of paper, I can’t stop remembering your innocent eyes as you looked back at me, touching your lips with two fingers and eyes wide open. You seemed so confused, so adorable, I couldn’t help smiling. And that rare smile on my lips turned into full on laughter, something I don’t even remember doing in the past, ever. Maybe I was just too happy about having noticed that I’m human, and I can feel love and fear my death and the deaths of others. Or maybe your cuteness made me too happy.
Whatever the cause, you started laughing along with me, without understanding anything about my strange and sudden reaction. An incredibly beautiful and bright smile was painted on your adorable face, dissipating the fear that was starting to cloud your golden eyes, as it does every time you think about your loved ones dying. And I’m glad I seem to be part of that group too.
You said you wanted to see me laughing like this more often.
I said you shouldn’t get used to it, as it probably will never happen again.
Still, we laughed our asses off until we came out of breath.
Thank you for making me feel, Viole. Thank you for showing me how it feels like to want to live. Thank you for showing me love, even if you care about me like you care about everyone else. And I don’t care my feeling are unrequited , because I know the one you love the most, even if you don’t notice it yourself yet, loves you as much as you deserve. Because you are unique, Viole. Even if you are still a little Irregular and you have a long way to go yet, there’s no one better suit to be my God.
And as I close this letter, I want to say:
To my little God, thank you for being my first and only love.