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“Absolutely not.”
Dylan grinned at Kate’s scowling’s face, “come on X, just come with me once, if you don’t like it, I won’t pester you again.”
“What if the parachute failed?” She looked at him doubtfully while they were climbing the stairs to the upper deck.
“I checked the company’s safety record and the online reviews. For the 10 years they’ve been in operation, they’ve never had any complaint or any safety incidents. Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I do,” she sighed, “it’s the tour operator that I don’t trust. Remember the time when 2Dads went missing after that dive tour?”
He huffed, “that’s different company and probably just 2Dads’ luck.”
“Hey!” She slapped his arm, “he almost died.”
“I know, I know….” He sobered up almost immediately, “look, I won’t bring it up again. We’ll just choose something else then.”
Her face softened at his apologetic tone. “I’m being a party pooper, aren’t I? It’s your birthday that we’re celebrating, so it’s still your pick, but maybe something that doesn’t involve jumping out of a plane or other adrenaline-inducing activity?”
He shrugged, “I’m good with just drinks at the pub….”
“We can still do that with everyone, but I feel like….” Her steps halted on the stairwell just before reaching the upper deck and he frowned at her hesitant voice.
“What is it?” he touched her elbow and they ended up facing each other on the narrow stairwell.
“I…”
But before they could continue their conversation, they noticed that there was suddenly a shadow looming over them from the top of the stairs.
“Everything alright, Dutchy, X?”
He looked up to see the stoic feature of his boss on top of the stairs. The older man’s eyes narrowed a little bit seeing his proximity to their XO.
“Of course, Sir.” He squeezed her elbow slightly before letting go, “we’re just heading out.”
“If you’d excuse us, Sir?” His XO was gesturing slightly to their CO’s position which blocked their way out.
“Actually, I need to have a word with you, X.”
“Of course, Sir.”
Hearing her stiff reply, he sympathised inwardly as he guessed she knew what the conversation would be about and how it might turn unpleasant.
“Wait for me outside please?”
His eyes found hers at her pleading tone and he simply nodded. He then squeezed his way through his CO with a muttered “Sir.”
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“I don’t understand, Kate.”
His voice finally broke the silence that had enveloped them as soon as Kate sat down on the spare chair in his office. She had been staring at the bag on her lap to avoid his scrutinising stare during the last few minutes.
“About?” She finally replied and held his gaze defiantly.
“You took yourself off the CO candidate list that I’ve submitted.” He stared at her pointedly. “Max said that you’re unsure that the promotion would suit you. If you still had doubt about your suitability, you should’ve come to me first instead of going to Max directly. And you being unsure? I really don’t get it. Has someone been putting doubts into your mind?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
He sighed, “has someone been persuading you to transfer out the ship instead of staying?”
“You think that I don’t have a mind of my own?” Her blood started to boil at his insinuation.
“That’s not what I mean.” He leaned forward from his chair and grabbed her hands instead. “I thought we agreed in our last discussion that I would take care of this for you. Everything would be fine. You’d get the CO position and I’d be off the ship in Navcom.”
She took her hands away from his grasp and stood up to distance herself away from him. She paced the short length of his office a few times before facing him once more.
She could see that her abruptness had hurt him, but she steeled herself. “Why did you put my name on that list?”
“I told you,” He frowned, “I couldn’t see anyone on the original list that was worthy of taking command of Hammersley. As the current CO, it’s my responsibility to find a suitable candidate and I believe it’s you.”
“It’s been almost a year since you’ve been posted back to Hammersley, and yet you’ve never mentioned or even discussed with me about the possibility of me being the CO. And I only found out about your stunt with the list from Knocker when you were presumed dead! Had you considered my name at all before you saw me having breakfast with Dutchy at Orlan Island?”
“What? What’s that got to do with anything?” He gaped at her.
“Just answer the question, Mike.” She folded her arms on her chest, “had you or had you not considered my name before that morning?”
“Kate….”
She laughed bitterly as she saw him unable to give her a straight answer. “All this talk about you believing in me and that Hammersley would be safe with me at the helm. All just a cover for last minute desperate move to get off the ship because you thought there was a possibility of me moving on from you.”
“So, you’re admitting it?” His face turned thunderous, “that this whole business of transferring out from Hammersley instead of accepting CO candidacy is for him.”
“No, I’m not admitting anything. And for the record, Dutchy supports my decision either way. But he then asked me a question that you’ve never asked me.” She paused, “whether I want to be CO of Hammersley or not.”
He scoffed, “you can’t honestly say to me that you don’t want to be a CO. You, a career-oriented woman, who graduated from ADFA with the best score ever recorded, who was stationed in Anzac when it sailed for the gulf war. I can’t imagine the Kate McGregor that I know would pass off a chance to be promoted and getting an extra half bar on her uniform.”
“That’s not the point.” She took a deep breath to avoid yelling at him, “my point is that you’ve never asked me. You just decided for me. And that’s not how this supposed to work.”
“Why does it matter, Kate?” He sighed, “it’d get the job done. You would’ve gotten the promotion, Hammersley’s command would’ve been sorted, I would’ve been off the ship and we could be together.”
“You speak as if you have the sole right to decide the CO position. Have you forgotten that Fleet Command gets the final vote? And I spoke to Knocker just before this patrol, she said that at this stage, I most likely wouldn’t get the job because I’m lacking experience. I would be better off moving to frigate and seek a couple more years of warfare experience there before applying for promotion.”
“That’s why I said that you should have left it all to me and let me handle it.” He stood up to get closer to her. “I would’ve gone to Fleet Command directly and requested a meeting with them to vouch for you.”
She gaped, “you’re insane.”
“Almost dying would do that to you.” His eyes stared at her lips with a ghost of a smile.
There were small parts of her that swooned at the thought of him being desperate to keep her within his orbit that he behaved recklessly, but she knew better now, “Mike, that plan of yours wouldn’t end well and you’d end up getting us in trouble.”
“What would you have me do then? I can’t just handover Hammersley to anyone.”
“Yes, you can.” She looked at him incredulously, “just like every other COs that retires or transfers, they don’t get to choose their replacements, just like the last time you stepped down from Hammersley and Coburn came in.”
“And how did that turn out, huh?” He shook his head, “a disaster!”
“Yes, that was a disaster. But that’s not on you. That’s on Navcom and Fleet Command. It’s their job to find your replacement. They might give you a chance to weigh in on their candidates just like what Knocker did for you. But you can’t bulldoze the process like you did with putting my name and even planning to speak to them to endorse me as the only candidate that you would allow to replace you. That’s just madness….”
“Madness, really?” He couldn’t help raising his voice, “you were mad at me for staying on Hammersley. And when I had a good plan to get off this ship and get you a promotion on top of it, you called it madness. What more do you want from me, Kate?”
She felt like crying the second she heard the question from his mouth. She regretted all the times they had wasted circling around each other without having an honest and open conversation like this. Instead, they were making a habit of running away from each other when things got tough.
In the last year, instead of making plans together or discuss their commitment towards each other, she let the betrayal she felt when he had come back to Hammersley after their one night together ruled her attitude towards him and she snapped at him at every turn. And of course, it’s just not in his nature to confront her when she was being like that, so he just buried himself at work or spending time with Knocker and her son, letting her drift further apart from him. The universe kept giving them a chance after chance and yet, they just squandered all of it.
And here they were. He now thought her ungrateful for knocking down his plan of getting her the promotion that he thought she wanted on top of being with him. And she wasn’t even sure she still wanted to be with him even when she finally transferred out and they would’ve been free to be together.
She felt herself suffocating the longer she was inside the office of the man that she had once thought to be the love of her life. And all she wanted right now was to run outside and seeing Dutchy’s smile greeting her. Lately, she felt that she breathed easier when her bosun was around her and not surprisingly, she felt guilty about that.
Guilt for monopolising Dutchy’s personal time as he was becoming her confidant, guilt for enjoying his easy companionship and of course, guilt for her blossoming feelings towards him while she hadn’t even resolved things with Mike.
“I want you to be happy.” She finally said to Mike.
“Kate….” He reached for her hand, but she moved back out of reach. “Don’t do this.”
“And I want to be happy too.” She blinked away the tears in her eyes, “I want to be able to enjoy my job, build a decent career out of it and spend my shore leave doing activities that I like with people that I love.”
“I’m happy when you’re next to me.” He pleaded.
She smiled slightly, “I think you’re the happiest when you sit on the Captain’s chair looking at the horizon from Hammersley’s bridge. Having me there next to you is a boost to your state of happiness, but I’m not the necessary element.”
He pursed his lips at her words and shook his head in resignation, “you’re really leaving us.”
“Yes, I am. And I trust that you’ll find someone who is worthy of Hammersley when the time has come for you to hand her over. I don’t want you to be torn about leaving anymore. I want you to enjoy your remaining time with her.”
“And us?” He whispered brokenly.
“There hasn’t been an ‘us’ for a while, Mike. Not since you’re back as CO.” She stepped towards him and reached up to caress his cheek softly. “I think we hang on to things that had run its course for far too long.”
“Can you blame us?” He chuckled weakly. “We had a great time together.”
She smiled in return, “we did. But I think we owe it to ourselves to find someone who would make us their first priorities. I couldn’t make you mine and I don’t think you could make me yours. We’re being unfair to each other.”
“And you think he could make you his first priority?” He raised his eyebrows doubtfully.
“I don’t know.” She shook her head and moved back towards the spare chair to grab her bag and hoist it up to her shoulder. “It’s not about Dutchy, Mike. It’s about me wanting to find that person. And it might not even be him in the end. But I wouldn’t know if I stayed where I am.”
He nodded in the end after a long silence and offered his hand towards her. “Good luck, Kate.”
She grabbed his hand and shook it firmly, “You too, Mike.”
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“I’m a terrible lunch buddy, aren’t I?” Dylan heard her question spoken in between her sniffles.
He could only squeeze her shoulder in sympathy and didn’t say anything else. Thankfully their usual café was half-empty today and where they seated outside, there were no one else around to intrude on their business.
“You can go, you know. Enjoy your 48 hours shore leave and do something better than being with a blubbering mess that I am.”
He chuckled, “what could be better than sitting on a café, enjoying my burger and chips on a sunny day with a view of the deep blue water of Trinity Inlet?”
“You forgot to mention that you’re currently also babysitting a grown woman who just couldn’t stop crying.”
“I prefer the term ‘supporting’ than ‘babysitting’. And I told you before, spending time with you is never a hardship.”
“You can’t say those things to me,” She stared at him with watery eyes, “I might do something inappropriate.”
He smirked, “like what?”
She shook her head and blew her nose instead of replying.
Seeing her struggle, he tried to distract her from whatever had made her sad. “I know what I want to do for my birthday.”
“Yeah?” her curious eyes met his once more.
“Mareeba Rodeo Festival.”
“Rodeo? You mean like watching bull riding?”
He nodded, “among other things. I used to go to a rodeo when I was a kid in country New South Wales. I remember that it used to be a fun day. Lots of fairy floss, popcorn, sausage sizzle. And I think this one has an agricultural show as well, so you’ll get a chance to pet baby goats, piglets, calf.”
She finally smiled hearing the descriptions, “I forgot that you were a country kid.”
“So, what do you think? It’s just an hour drive from here in 3 weeks’ time. And since I won’t be competing, no adrenalines will be involved.”
“You can do bull riding?” Her eyes widened.
“Back when I was 16.” He huffed, “I was competing in the junior category.”
“You’re a rare creature, Petty Officer.” She shook her head in disbelief.
He laughed, “it’s pretty normal for a country boy, X. I’m nothing special.”
“Well, I can’t do it, so your skill has to count for something.” She smiled.
“I think for you, there’s nothing you can’t do if you put your mind into it.” He said casually, “maybe you could give it a go.”
Tears prickled her eyes once more, “what did I say before about saying nice things to me?”
He winked at her, “maybe I want you to do something inappropriate to me. Have you thought of that?”
He could see the blush spreading on her cheeks and he felt a stab of longing for the freedom to flirt with her, to make her smile and forget her sadness. But he knew that he had to be patient and doing too much right now might make her run away.
“Sorry.” He nudged her shoulder softly, “I sometimes forget that you’re still my boss.”
She nudged his shoulder back and meet his eyes, “not for much longer.”
He raised his eyebrows, “so, you’re transferring out?”
She nodded, “Knocker said that it would take around 3 more months for Frigate position to be available for me. So, I could choose to stay on Hammersley during that time or take a long holiday.”
“What are you going to do?” He would miss her presence in the ship, but he also felt a growing hope in his heart for a chance to really get to know her outside work.
“Next patrol would be my last with Hammersley. And I’ll take the rest as holiday. I haven’t had one for a while, so I thought it’d be good for me.” Her lips then curved up excitedly, “maybe the Rodeo Festival would be a good start to my holiday. What do you think?”
“I think that’ll work.” He smiled at her visible excitement, “assuming the patrol won’t be extended and on schedule of course.”
“Oh, yes, of course.” She nodded, “I was also thinking of hiring a campervan to do a road trip around Cairns. I’ve been based here for almost 5 years now, but I haven’t had a chance to take a good look beyond the city.”
“A campervan?” He looked at her almost in disbelief.
“Yes, a campervan.” She narrowed her eyes at him, “why? You don’t think I could drive a campervan?”
“Oh, I’m sure you can. I just have this picture in my head that you’re more of a luxury-travelling-kind of person, not roughing-it-up-in-the-wilderness type.”
She laughed, “you’re right. I’m not too keen on camping but spending money on resorts for a month of travel seems wasteful. So, I think hiring a campervan seems like a good compromise. You can see a lot along the way but you’re not really roughing it up either.”
“Maybe I could join you during shore leave,” he offered cautiously, “we could meet up somewhere along your route and I could join you for the day.”
Her eyes softened when looking up to meet his eyes, “I would really like that.”
“Yeah?” he could feel his heart hammering inside his chest cavity at her answer. He felt like a schoolboy that had just asked a girl on a date.
“Yes.” She smiled softly, almost bashfully, “and maybe when you join me on that day, you could try convincing me to be your dinner buddy as well?”
He couldn’t help himself, he grinned broadly at her question, “I’ll make sure to present my best argument then….”
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