Work Text:
Jax scrunched down in the tub until the hot water nearly touched her nose. All around her was a cacophony of sound from her mothers and all the aunties talking excitedly. Conversations around the room ranged from speculation about the odd trio of dwarves that had come out of nowhere, to how elated they all were that the gods had seen fit to bring Jax back to life. But no matter where the talk started, most of the time, it came back to wonder about the strange dwarf-like creature that had accompanied the trio; the one who never put down their hood, and never came inside.
“Warhim said that when it moved, he could almost hear a whirring sound like when the crank of the mill first starts up,” Aunt Nila, one of Jax’s father’s sisters, said. “But he couldn’t be sure. It was very quiet.”
Jax’s wide ears twitched and she closed her eyes as she tried to block out more of their chatter.
“When it came inside, I thought I smelled oil,” Bantra, one of Jax’s mothers mumbled to another auntie. “And did you see its eyes? Glowing like red coals.”
Jax could practically feel her mother shudder, and she focused hard on trying to block out the sounds. She hated that the ladies in the room kept calling Dedna an “it,” but she could understand why. Dedna was something the gnomes had never seen before, and as her memories slowly returned out of the fog from where they’d laid sleeping while she’d been deceased, she remembered having that same feeling when she and Dedna first crossed paths. Dedna was certainly a strange, unusual creature, but they definitely were not an “it.”
“Are you ready to finish washing up?” Her sister’s gentle voice squeezed through the buzz of conversation and made her open her eyes. She was greeted with Isobys’ soft smile, and it made her lift her head out of the water enough to smile back.
“Yes,” Jax responded, closing her eyes again as her sister began pouring water over her hair to rinse the soap out of it. “Thank you.”
“I’ve altered one of my dresses for you,” Isobys continued. “All of your clothes they sent back were already distributed among the clan.” She paused, running her fingers through Jax’s hair to make sure all of the soap was gone. “The ones that received them were so honored to have your clothes. Seems a shame to ask them to give them back.”
Jax swallowed, brought painfully back to the realization that she had been dead not a day ago. She still wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about being brought back by the dwarves. She supposed there must be a very important reason why they would disturb the laws of nature. Though she knew the dwarves to be unpredictable, she did not imagine they did these kinds of tasks lightly. “Thank you,” Jax croaked, her voice hoarse with unreleased emotion.
“I know green was always your color,” Isobys went on, setting down the jug of water and reaching for a towel. “But purple should suit you, don’t you think?”
“If you think it will, Isobys, then it will,” Jax murmured, moved to wear her older sister’s dress. She didn’t have an opinion on clothes normally, but the gnomes always valued sharing things amongst themselves, and she’d been away from her clan so long, serving the Arc Mage, that taking her sister’s dress into her new life would feel like a comfort.
“Come now,” Isobys said, holding up the towel to give her sister a little privacy in the room full of ladies. “Let’s get you all fixed up.”
***
Dedna sat outside of the house where their party would be staying the night, brushing the dirt off of their hands. Despite traveling and camping out of doors for the last few years, they were still meticulous about their appearance. And after they’d helped Glarna fill Jax’s grave back in with dirt, they’d found that the dirt was stubborn to get off. Every time they thought they’d gotten it all, they’d look down to find more dirt clinging to the wood of their fingers.
Inside, Dedna could hear a drunk Glarna telling the owners of the house all about their adventures. “Jade Avalanche is the most powerful among us!” Glarna proclaimed loudly, launching into some story about Jade from back in the days when the repercussions of chaos magic were the only concerns the party had for their friend. Now, everything was so different, and weird, and scary. Dedna didn’t show it much, but the pages of their journals were filled with the sorrows and worries she’d felt since they’d locked the Raven Queen out of the mortal realm. Things had been so much simpler when they lived in the mountain. The outside world was just so big that it felt overwhelming.
“Your hands are clean, Dedna,” came a croaky voice out of the doorway of the house, and a moment later, the elderly form of Concha sat down beside Dedna on the steps. As the robes of Concha settled, tiny squeaks of the bats that lived inside them could be heard, and a beetle buzzed and flew off into the night. A snake slithered out from behind Concha’s leg and curled affectionately around her boot.
“This dirt won’t come off,” Dedna mumbled, scrubbing their hands together again. “I’ll oil them after you all go to bed,” they continued.
Concha reached out to put one of her hands over both of Dedna’s, but didn’t say anything. Concha’s hands were such a contradiction, both withered and strong, cool but full of warmth. A beetle climbed out of her sleeve and crawled over the rest on one of Dedna’s fingers, twitching its little antennae as it settled down.
Finally, Dedna broke the silence, their voice even more quiet than usual. “I should be happy, but I feel so unsettled.”
Concha squeezed Dedna’s hands and released them, but the beetle remained, faintly glowing with healing light. Concha’s beetles were familiar, after countless battles and wounds mended by their magic. But Dedna knew that this beetle couldn’t heal the real hurt they were feeling. “What Glarna did was something none of us have seen before,” Concha said, still staring out into the dark of the evening. “Even I, who has lived so long, has not witnessed anything of the like. But Glarna would not have attempted such magic if she hadn’t felt it absolutely necessary. Despite her brash ways, she’s actually quite thoughtful.”
“I know,” Dedna agreed. They’d begun teaching Glarna how to read for that very reason. Glarna had been uneducated, but she’d never been stupid. “But was this really necessary? Was this our only course of action? Even Jade didn’t think of this route. And Jade has been closer to death than any of us.”
“What bothers you the most?” Concha asked, finally turning her gaze on Dedna’s face. Dedna awkwardly looked away, tugging at the corner of her hood. “Is it because Glarna raised the dead? Or because Glarna raised Jax from the dead?” She emphasized the gnome’s name, making a twinge of aching pain shoot through what constituted Dedna’s heart.
After the battle with the Raven Queen, their party had been so badly beaten down between all of their injuries, and Jade’s unfortunate condition. They had barely survived – in fact, one could say that Jade hadn’t survived – and the news of Jax’s death had come as yet another blow to Dedna’s already damaged emotional state. It had been Concha that had intervened, taking Dedna with her on a pilgrimage to the High Druid while Glarna took Jade to the Lich King in hopes of rescue. If Concha had not seen their pain through the lack of emotion on their face, they weren’t sure what they would have become.
“When I was… created,” Dedna began, stumbling over their words. “I was told that the Free-Forged were different than the Dwarf-Forged. Dwarf-Forged were created to be automatons; creatures made to work and obey. Free-Forged would be able to reason and learn, feel and create. I was told I would be capable of rage, of sadness, of joy,… of love.”
Concha kept her gaze trained on Dedna’s hood, a faint smile on her face. She did not interrupt, but encouraged her friend silently.
“Rage was easy,” Dedna continued, finding their rhythm. “Sadness came naturally, too. Joy… was harder to find. And love? Despite countless hours in the library reading words of the stuff, it didn’t make much sense to me. Friendship came in its own time, and for a while, I thought that’s what love was.”
“Until you met Jax,” Concha prompted softly.
Dedna nodded. “I was confused at first. By then, of course, I knew what friendship was, between you and Glarna, and even Jade. But meeting you all for the first time never felt the same as seeing Jax in the Arc Mage’s tower. She was so beautiful and delicate and sweet. There are dwarven ladies in the court like that, but most of the time, they simply annoy me, as they are the opposite of our magnificent Queen.”
Concha chuckled quietly, but didn’t comment. Dedna always had an inflated view of how amazing their Queen was.
“I mostly ignored the strange feeling. We were too busy anyway,” Dedna said. “But I found myself thinking of her when you were all sleeping at night. Even in situations when we were in danger, I’d think about her, about never seeing her again. And it hurt.” Finally they turned to face Concha, their hood slipping off their head and falling back to reveal their face. “Is that what love is? Pain?”
Concha shrugged, reaching up to ruffle Dedna’s hair. “Love is different for everyone. I cannot tell you what it is. You have to define it for yourself.”
Dedna’s gaze leveled, and they frowned in the way they usually reserved for Jade. “That’s helpful,” they quipped sarcastically.
Concha laughed, and shrugged once more. “You’re the poet,” she said. “You should know that these things can’t be learned through careful study. They have to be felt and experienced. You said yourself that even the great poets of old couldn’t definite it in ways that made sense to you. You just have to live it.”
Dedna sighed, carefully picking up the beetle and placing it back on Concha’s sleeve. “So why am I not happy that she’s back?”
Concha picked up the beetle with one finger and lifted it up to her face as if speaking to it rather than Dedna. “My guess is that you went through the process of mourning her, and now you don’t know how to feel. And it isn’t like Glarna gave you a lot of warning. She probably knew you’d try to stop her if she did. She’s seen you foil too many of Jade’s crazy schemes.”
Dedna smiled slightly. “At least I know what parenthood feels like with those two around,” they said.
Concha glanced at Denda in surprise, then let out a loud, croaky chortle before smacking her friend on the shoulder in amusement. “Indeed, Dedna. Indeed!”
***
The sun slowly peeked its head over the horizon as Dedna watched. They did not sleep, and by now they had seen many sunrises in the outside world, but little compared to its beauty. On mornings like this, the sky seemed to catch fire with light, bright yellow pushing hues of orange and red against the blues and purples of night. Jade, who also no longer slept, and who had elected to stay outside on the porch beside Dedna, shifted slightly, sensing something the other could not.
“Someone’s coming,” Jade whispered, visibly tensing. Dedna stayed still in ways their friend could not, only shifting their eyes over the lingering shadows of the morning, catching sight of a figure stepping out from around one of the little houses on the street.
“It’s only me,” Jax said quietly, conscious of waking the other gnomes asleep in homes all along the row. She wore a dress of deep indigo which had been tailored to fit her thin frame, and a thick belt of soft leather, which held pockets and pouches for all the things she would need as a servant of the Arc Mage. Her curly brown hair, which before would have been plaited and wrapped around her head like a crown, hung free and wild around her shoulders, held back away from her face only by a band of leather that matched her belt. Her wide ears were decorated with earrings that symbolized the clan to which she belonged.
Suddenly, Dedna realized the one sight that was more beautiful than a sunrise. Awkwardly, they reached up to pull the hood up over their head, obscuring their face. Jade relaxed beside them, and cleared her throat. “I’ll… uh, go awake up Glarna,” Jade said, shuffling back towards the house. “She’ll need lots of food to stave off a hangover,” she added before disappearing into the house.
Jax approached in an almost cautious way, and Dedna stood up in respect before Jax waved for them to sit back down again. Once Dedna was settled, Jax sat down beside them. The silence felt tense, and though Dedna didn’t normally feel the need to interject, they felt so anxious that it wouldn’t stretch on. “How are you feeling this morning, Lady Jax?” they asked.
Instead of an answer, Jax let out a little chuckle. “You always call me ‘Lady Jax,” she said, feeling at once relieved that Dedna was behaving like normal. “We gnomes don’t have titles like that.”
“Oh,” Dedna murmured. “But… you work for the Arc Mage, so therefore… Lady Jax suits you.”
“Only to you,” Jax said, still amused. Dedna watched Jax smile, and felt those odd stirrings inside again. “And as to how I’m feeling,” she continued, thinking about it. “I don’t really know. Too many things to articulate.”
“Your family is happy to have you back,” Dedna said, though they posed it more as a question.
“Yes,” Jax said with a tiny nod of her head. But before she said another word, she reached up with both hands to push the hood back off of Dedna’s face. “Are you?” she whispered.
Dedna blinked in surprise, and would have blushed if their body was capable of it. “Yes,” they said quickly, feeling the flutters inside them grow more intense. “I… I mourned you. Clarissa was… very kind. She gave me your journal, though she wouldn’t tell me where they had sent your… where your family would bury you.”
“This journal?” Jax asked, pulling the tattered book out of one of her pouches. “Father told me you’d given it back to him.” She looked down at it and touched its cover affectionately. “But I don’t think it belongs to me anymore.” She took one of Dedna’s hands and placed the book in it. “This belongs in the hands of my vennen.”
“Vennen?” Dedna asked, never having heard that word before.
“Mm,” Jax nodded, her smile growing ever so faintly. “Gnomes don’t have one mate, like humans do,” she explained. “We raise families in communities. Instead of husbands and wives, we have vennen.” She paused thoughtfully, trying to figure out how best to explain it. “It means… friend… but… more. A love that transcends friendship.” Jax did blush, and averted her gaze, looking down at her small hands. “I am sorry that my death caused you pain, however.”
Dedna was still, thinking about the new word and all that Jax had said. After a long moment, they curled their finger beneath Jax’s chin and slowly lifted it. “I’m beginning to think that pain is part of what it means to be alive,” they said. “And part of what it means to be capable of love.”
Jax’s smile returned, and she took Dedna’s hand and lifted it above her own head. She tucked herself in against Dedna’s side and settled Dedna’s arm over her shoulders. “I am happy, then, that I have returned, in so far as that my absence no longer causes you to hurt,” she said.
Dedna sighed and relaxed, curling their arm around Jax’s smaller body like she always belonged there. “I am happy to see you,” they said.
“I don’t know what the future holds,” Jax said, turning to press her face into Dedna’s side. “But at least I hope you will be in it, min vennen.”
Dedna felt those flutters leave their middle and spread throughout their whole body. They squeezed Jax a little tighter. “I can’t promise to always be by your side, but I can promise that I will never forsake you.” Dedna paused, then, their voice lowering to a soft whisper. “And I will always find you. I promise.”
Jax smiled, drawing her legs up to curl against Dedna even more deeply than before. She wasn’t sure if Dedna could keep that promise, considering what they were all facing, and how much Dedna still had to do in the world, but she knew it was truly heartfelt, and for now, that was enough.