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“i’ve never been a natural, all i do is try, try, try.
i’m still on that trapeze,
i’m still trying everything to keep you
looking at me.”
– mirrorball by taylor swift
somewhere within the space surrounding him, Alex hears a soft voice reaching out through the heavy dusk, it calls his name.
there is a familiarity to it, like a memory of coming home after a long day at work to find your Love waiting by the door.
the low strum of the voice reaches out and nearly tethers him, bringing him back from being light-years lost into outer space, but it doesn’t have enough grip to firmly hold him down, to ground him to Earth.
Alex’s mind is lost. after all the hard work he’s put into his career, politics, his mother’s campaign, law school, being flawless, it will never amount to enough. every new day comes with a dozen new articles circulating to remind him of that.
he has carved his public persona well enough to hide the fact that all the comments about how he’s only gotten this far by the weight of his name, how he’ll never compare to his parents, or others who accuse him of faking his sexuality, it all hurts him. it cuts through him and sinks in deep beneath his skin. when he is under the sun and cameras, he can hide how much it all effects him.
until today.
the voice gets louder. it had sounded so far away a minute ago, as if it was speaking to Alex from underwater. now, it is all around him, surrounding him. it holds him up, like the wall pressed against his back. Love, it says.
Alex can hear the concern of a pair of brows pinching together.
Darling, can you hear me?
warm arms feel like hot coal on his frozen body, but they don’t seem to burn. they wrap around his shoulders tighter than his loose grey shirt.
Henry’s body is a magnet, and Alex is a metal wire. every law in physics demands that Alex is absorbed naturally into Henry’s magnetic field.
and he fits perfectly. his head tucked safely in the crook of Henry’s neck, and every inch of his body safe in the harbour of his arms. if there was a heaven on Earth, Henry has brought it to him.
you’re safe, my Love. no one, nor thing, can hurt you now. i promise, you’re safe. i’m here, i’ve got you. i love you.
is it too much to ask for? to get coffee without being harassed by cameras, by questions, by tweets being typed out and posted before Alex has even gotten the chance to walk out of the cafe?
law school is hard, and sitting still, listening, taking notes, understanding, being surrounded by an auditorium filled with people, it is so much harder.
Alex was restless the entire class. and his professor, a man who makes it blatantly clear which team he had voted for, was relentless in hammering him.
if it wasn’t cold-calling, it would back-handed remarks that would cut deep into his skin. it made Alex itch with impulses to either hurl himself, or something more solid at him.
so all he wanted after today’s lecture, was an ice cold cup of coffee that was so sweet, even a child would squint its face in disgust.
but Miguel Ramos was waiting.
Love, come back to me.
blue eyes flood the lightless room. they sift through brown ones, searching for any sign to help them understand what is wrong, and also comforting the brown eyes, whispering to them that they are safe.
a single word is all he can muster. a whisper, Henry.
Alex. i’m here, it’s me.
hearing his name on Henry’s lips, like a prayer, is enough for all of his walls to come crumbling down, and for the tears to flood.
Alex hangs onto Henry like a lifeline, pouring hot tears into wet pools on his blue sweater. the warmth radiating from Henry’s chest feels like a blanket on a cold night.
his comforting hand rubs circles on his back, it feels so gentle, delicate, like how you would care for a newborn baby. Alex sinks further into him.
Henry’s presence chases away the memory of the feeling of panic swelling in his chest that rose right to the edge of his throat, threatening to suffocate him.
slowly, his ribs loosened around his lungs, and his breaths evened out. but the heavy feeling of burden floods through his veins.
i’m sorry, Alex whispers
eyes the colour of concern, find his and asks, whatever for, Love?
that you have to see me like this.
strong arms pull Alex towards Henry’s chest, and a hand cradles the back of his head. his nimble fingers toy gently with his curls, and his breath is warm on his ear, don’t ever be sorry for that. i want to be here for you when you are like this. god knows you’re there for me.
okay.
Henry tilts his chin up, his eyes asking brown ones to look at him. Alex listens. Henry is like finding light on a stormy day. He rivals the beauty of lightning fracturing like crystal against a sky of dark thunderclouds.
what happened?
for a moment, Alex considers closing his eyes, sinking back into Henry, and forget. he hates when people see him at his most vulnerable.
but then he remembers, it's Henry. who has seen him in glasses, seen him on the nights leading up to a final exam, he has seen him through panic attacks, and all the bad days. Henry who has seen him at his most vulnerable, and loved him for it.
it’s Henry.
i saw Miguel today. he was badgering me with questions of if we had broken up. then he made everything a thousand times worse, and asked if we broke up because you couldn’t handle it anymore.
he whispers, that you left me because you couldn’t love someone who isn’t enough. i’m not enough for you to stay.
something flashes over Henry’s eyes, turning blue into a tidal wave. you are more than enough. you are every good thing left in this world. you are everything. you could never be ‘not enough.’
when Alex remains quiet, tell me you know that.
but what if he’s right.
he is not.
one look into Henry’s eyes, extinguishes all the fight clouding in Alex’s throat.
i do know that. it’s just, in the moment, i got so angry, and upset. i was fucking tearing up, i just ran out of there, and i know what the articles are going to say tomorrow, what he’s going to say. they’re going to say i’m too soft, too sensitive and i hate that.
Henry considers what he’s said for a moment. Alex can see him put together words, stringing them along to sound just the way he needs to hear.
you care so much about what people think about you, and i get it, it’s hard to let go and not care. it’s nearly impossible, believe me, i know that. but they don’t matter, at the end of the day, you don’t know them, and they sure as hell do not know you, not the real you. the one who is brave, who is a fighter, who is perfect. who is enough. you are enough.
they move upstairs, and Henry gently peels away his clothes, replacing them with pajamas. together they settle into the thick sheets, and Alex finds himself back in his arms.
Henry listens to him when he tells him about how he’s so tired of trying, trying and trying, yet never getting it right. and how everything seems to get to him, and he can’t turn it off.
there isn’t a word Henry doesn’t hear. in turn, he provides Alex with comforting words, and insight. i know i can’t do anything to make them stop. i can’t make it all go away, but i wish, more than anything, that i could. but, i’ll be here every time they try to hurt you, i will be here, and i will hold you. remind you, that you are so much more than their stupid lies and twisted stories.
his warm arms hold Alex a little tighter. he whispers, i’ll fight them all, i’ll keep you safe.
Henry’s words blossom through Alex. they sink deep into his heart, and Alex can’t help but to fall in love with him just a little bit more. thank you. i love you.
as the sun sets behind the horizon, and an afterglow casts across the city in a wash of pink and orange, Alex and Henry cuddle close together, leaving no space between their two bodies. with David at their feet, and IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE cued up on Henry’s laptop, there is no feeling in the whole world that could beat this.
a box of sweating cornettos sits on the nightstand, finished and forgotten.
the credits roll, the moon is high,
Henry whispers, don’t you worry about the press.
give yourself away sometimes, and i’ll do the rest.