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There's comfort in the bottom of a swimming pool
I'm holding my breath for you
Buck used to love being in the water. It was one of the few times he felt free. He could float, let himself feel weightless. He would close his eyes and listen to the murmur of noise underwater. It was calm there, at the bottom of the pool. Swimming was a refuge for him. But now, the water terrifies him. After the tsunami, being underwater doesn't offer the calm he so desperately craves. The sound of voices underwater reminds him of the screams, the way he choked and felt the ocean fill his lungs.
But here he is, standing knee deep. He's facing his fears. Eddie is by his side, wordlessly supporting him. Eddie is waist deep. His arms are outstretched, waiting for Buck to come to him. Buck takes a deep breath. He takes another step deeper. There's no one else around. Just him and Eddie. As long as Eddie's here, he's safe.
There's no doubt in my mind that if you could then you would try
To crack my ribcage open and pull my heart right through
Buck knows that Eddie would never let anything happen to him. He's proven that over and over again. The fact that he's here is proof enough. Buck feels the water flow around him as he moves. Once so familiar, it's a foreign feeling now. When the water reaches his chest, he freezes. He can feel his heart trying to pound out of his chest. It feels like he's suffocating. He can still taste the salt from the tsunami.
Eddie places a hand over Buck's heart. His palm is warm.
"Breathe. It's okay. You're okay."
Buck inhales with a stutter. He focuses on the feel of Eddie's skin against his.
There's comfort in the bottom of a swimming pool
I'm holding my breath for you
Eddie gestures for Buck to follow his breathing. He inhales for five breaths. He holds for five. Then he exhales, air ghosting over the water. Buck mimics him as best he can. Eddie feels Buck's heartbeat slow. He pulls his hand away. They both miss the warmth. Buck looks at Eddie with such a soft expression. It's vulnerable, unshed tears deepening the blue of his eyes. Eddie fights the urge to kiss the tears that have fallen away.
Instead, he brushes them away with his thumb.
There's no doubt in my mind that if you could then you would try
To crack my ribcage open and pull my heart right through
Eddie wishes he could cradle Buck in his arms, take away all the pain he feels. He wants to protect Buck from the world that has been so cruel to him. It's unfair that a soul so good, so kind, keeps getting crushed by hurt. But Eddie is not a God. He can't stop fate from tearing into the man he loves, over and over again. But he can be here. He can love him endlessly, even if Buck never knows how deep that love truly goes.
That will be enough. It has to be.
But I'm a creature of a culture that I create
I'm the last one on the dance floor as the chandelier gives way
Eddie wouldn't have to be here if Buck hadn't gone to the pier. It was his fault they were there that day, his fault that Chris almost died. It's not fair to force Eddie to aid him when Buck is the one responsible for his own pain. Eddie should be at home with his son, not here in a lukewarm pool coaxing Buck into the water. He should man up and face his fears. It's just water. But he can't stop the fear that races through his veins.
It's all consuming, the fear. The way the memories play in his mind like a movie on loop. The memories have a hazy quality to them, like he's viewing them through smoke. But they feel so fucking real that he swears he's back on top of that fire engine, watching Chris disappear beneath the waves.
And I am permanently preoccupied with your past
I've been around long enough now to know that the good things never last
They never last
Eddie should hate Buck for what he did. For what he put Chris through. He should have left a long time ago, like everyone else does. The fact that he's still here doesn't make sense. No one sticks around for long. Buck is too loud, too annoying, too exhausting, too much. He's not designed to be loved. He's meant to love, but never be loved in return. And it's almost better that way. If people stay he'll only end up breaking them.
One day, Eddie will meet a nice woman. They'll fall in love, get married, have a life together. A life that has no place for Buck. He knows that this is inevitable. But he can't stop himself from hoping that this will last forever.
He takes a step deeper.
There's comfort in the silence of a living room
The TV is on for you
After this, Eddie will bring Buck home. They'll shower and change into comfy clothes. They'll order in thai food from the place Buck loves. Eddie has his order memorized. They'll eat, a family dinner at the three-person table. Then they'll move to the living room and watch a movie. Chris will snuggle in between them. Eddie will put his arm around Chris and rest his hand on Buck's shoulder.
Those nights, where it's just the three of them, is when Eddie is most at peace.
Hide in your basement while your house burns down
Your teeth are loose inside of your gums
They will eventually fall out
Time keeps passing. Buck can't help but think about how he will grow old. He will wither away until he's barely anything more than skin and bone. He'll probably end up alone. He'll live in his tiny loft, hating the emptiness that permeates every surface. Everyone else will have moved on, kept living, but Buck will be trapped in the prison he calls home. It's not his home. It never has been. Home is the Diaz house. But he will lose that too, one day.
He should have died so many times. It doesn't make sense that he's still here. Why him? What did he do to deserve life? He should have drowned that day.
Sometimes he craves the feeling of water filling his lungs until he can't breathe.
Follow an orange extension cord under a carpet, to a closet door
Feeding the black light that will someday make me very, very, very, very, very rich
Eddie watches the water roll off of Buck's skin. He shines in the dimming sunlight. He's so beautiful. He's the most beautiful man Eddie has ever seen. Not just in body, but in heart. Eddie knows he loves him. It's as easy, as familiar, as breathing. It took him a long time to accept that. He was scared to see who he was beneath the person he had created.
He's starting to like the person he's becoming.
But I'm a creature of a culture that I create
And I'm the last one on the dance floor as the chandelier gives way
But he's still not perfect.
He wants to tell Buck. He wants to prove to Buck that he is worth loving, that he is worth everything. But he's terrified. Terrified that he'll hurt Buck like he hurt Shannon. He's cracked, damaged goods. Buck deserves someone undamaged. Someone who isn't flawed in all the ways Eddie is.
Yet Eddie can't stop loving him. It flows through every vein. He loves Buck more than he's loved anyone else.
And I am permanently preoccupied with your past
I've been around long enough now to know that the good things never last
They never last
Buck came tumbling into his life, and filled a void Eddie hadn't known was there. He became family. Eddie got used to waking up to Buck's cooking in the morning, to eating dinner at the table with him and Chris, to having Buck ingrained in every facet of his life. He doesn't want to lose that. But he knows he will. Buck deserves better than Eddie.
Selfishly, Eddie wants Buck to stay with them forever.
How low is your self esteem
And how low could it possibly be?
Buck takes a breath. Eddie grabs his hand, squeezing it tight. Neither of them let go. Buck hates himself for not letting go. He should be better than this. How pathetic is it that he can't even put his head underwater?
"Take your time."
Eddie's voice is soft. Reassuring. He squeezes Buck's hand again.
I know, I know you're in love with me
And I've been ignoring you
Eddie had known Buck loves him. He had known subconsciously for a long time. Admitting it had been a different matter. He had pushed it aside, pretending like he didn't care, even though the loves was tearing him apart. He wasn't ready to accept Buck's love yet.
He's ready to tell Buck now.
I will stop cutting my pants into shorts
I will address the issues I cannot ignore
Therapy helped him grow. Eddie worked through things, stopped ignoring the issues that had plagued him for so long. He began to heal. The wounds that seemed to permanently bleed started to scar over. Then, he almost lost Buck again. Over and over, the world tried to take Buck from him. After this last time, Eddie is done waiting. He's not going to let another chance slip by.
He's going to tell Buck he loves him.
And I will do the things I think you might like
And I will be alone probably the rest of my life
Buck watches Eddie. The way the sun shines on Eddie's skin makes him look like he's bathed in gold. Buck wants to kiss him. He aches with the need, with the love erupting from between his ribs.
He can't do that though. Eddie doesn't love him like that. He can't. He shouldn't.
But God, Buck wishes he did.
There's comfort at the bottom of a swimming pool
Buck takes a deep breath. He goes beneath the water. He lets himself sink to the bottom of the pool. Light casts patterns through the water. Eddie floats above him, looking down. The way the light illuminates him, he appears like an angel. Bubbles float in the air between them, breath and air air intertwining as it rises to the surface. It's calm down here. Quiet. Comforting.
He comes up from the water, brushing his hair back from his face. Eddie is smiling. Buck can't help but smile too.
"You did it!"
Buck laughs, and Eddie joins in. Eddie wraps Buck in a hug. Buck clings onto him, both out of joy and relief. He did it. When Eddie pulls away, he doesn't fully let go. His hand lingers on Bucks arm. Their eyes meet. Buck exhales softly, the two close enough that Eddie can feel the breath on his skin.
Something passes between them. A silent exchanging of energy, of love. They can't wait anymore.
"Can I kiss you?"
Eddie's voice is quiet.
"Please."
Their lips crash together, years of longing and love culminating in this moment. Eddie tastes faintly of chlorine, but underneath, it's something uniquely Eddie. Buck is already addicted. Now that he knows what kissing Eddie is like, he doesn't think he can live without it. They only pull away when they run out of breath. They press their foreheads together. Something finally falls into place.
"I love you. I love you, Evan. So much."
"I love you too."
Buck laughs in disbelief at that. He can finally say it. He presses another kiss to Eddie's lips. They're both smiling too hard for it to really count as a kiss, but it's perfect. Buck falls onto his back in the water, pulling Eddie down with him. They sink to the bottom of the pool. Buck kisses Eddie again. They share breath.
Buck has never felt so at home in the water.