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he feels like shit.
well, it's not an unfamiliar feeling - waking up with a pounding head, bile in his throat, not knowing where he is. a burning stripe passes over his skull, making him clench his eyes shut, trying to keep out the light. it's bright, wherever he is. shusuke assesses the situation.
he's on concrete, his back against brick. he's bruised - when isn't he? - but these feel remarkably fresh.
he opens his eyes a sliver, peeling them back against dryness and stabbing pain.
there's orange, yellow, gold; he's surrounded by autumn leaves. right. he recalls bits and pieces of it, the fight he got himself into and, somehow, lost. however much he drank. it's still heavy on his tongue, laced with acid. he must still be in chiba, tokyo doesn't have this many trees.
and then there's the bright blue. a pat on his cheek, hesitant at first, then an insistent prodding.
"yo, shu-chan." it's less shrill than nishio normally is. more low and gruff, slightly wavering. "c'mon, shu, at least breathe a little. you look so fuckin' dead when you black out..."
he breathes deeper, fighting against the sharp ache in his ribs, and lets it out with a groan.
"hey, man, you okay? you were out hard," he takes shu's face in his hand, turning it, observing. "couldn't wake you up for the longest time... must've been a tough fight, huh?" he sounds worried.
shusuke grunts, kind of indignantly. he'd been through worse. he tries to say that, and it comes out as a slurred mess - b' th' w's.
"tch, i guess." shusuke can't quite see what he's doing, but he sees the blur of blue start to move. "let's get you patched up, alright? i… i'm sure don't want anyone else seeing you like this."
nishio takes him by the hand and drags him up, pushing his limp weight back against the wall until he's properly sitting up. it makes his head throb and swim, but he grits his teeth and stays quiet. it wakes him up a little, at least.
he rubs his eyes and squints until the world comes back into focus.
nishio is rummaging through the trunk of his car, propped up on the back fender. he pulls out a first aid kit and looks to shusuke with an apologetic smile. "i don't got much, but i'll do what i can."
shusuke relaxes back into the wall, closing his eyes again. he usually doesn't like being in the care of others. but nishio, anyone in the crimson lotus, really, he trusts more than he trusts himself. so he tries to clear his mind and let everything fade away, although it's still a struggle to let his guard down.
he hears the car shake as nishio settles down again. two feet on the pavement. a thump and rustling, rustling. a familiar click.
the last one is a little strange, but he doesn't think much of it. he's trying not to think much at all. he takes another deep breath as nishio takes his arm, starts to examine him.
he smells smoke.
that makes him jolt awake, pulling away. smoke is fire, and fire is...
nishio flinches back, too, a curious, concerned look on his face. his mouth turns into a frown, a cigarette dangling from his lips. "sorry, did i touch something wrong? i'll be more careful."
right. it's just a cigarette.
but the smell of smoke still sets his brain alight, turns on the frightened-animal part of him. smoke is fire, and fire is... his tongue feels thick, like something lodged in his throat. like his mouth is full of ash.
he doesn't say anything, he can't say anything, he just goes limp as nishio takes his arm again, more carefully this time. light brushes of fingertips along his wrist, his elbow. stripping his jacket from him. it slithers down his back, damp with sweat. he shivers.
nishio rolls up his sleeve to uncover a gash across his upper arm. the wound is wiped down - it burns, but it doesn't hurt much more than any of the other lingering things on his body does. it feels nice to be taken care of, or at least that's what he tries to tell himself. nishio is quiet and attentive, pressing gauze to the wound, then carefully wrapping it in a bandage. his brow is furrowed, he's holding his breath. this kind of delicate motion is unusual to them both. when it's finally secured, he lets out a puff of smoke. the little cloud hangs in the air for a moment before being swept away, little flakes of ash trailing behind it. shusuke's head starts to spin again.
what does he do when he feels like this, again? he gets hammered. he fights. well, the bottle he had isn't anywhere to be seen. maybe he dropped it along the way, maybe nishio took it from him. he doesn't know if he could stomach it, if it would stay down even if he could get it past his strangled throat. and there's no one to fight. he's covered in the aftermath of both of those things, but when he tries to come back to his senses, he realizes he can't really focus on either. it's all... hazy and muddled. on someone else's body.
nishio's hand is on his side, still following the trail of blood, bruises, and dirt. he can feel his chest moving, uncanny and distant, when nishio's touching him there. he can't breathe deep, or else that fucking smell worms its way into his head again and he panics. shallow breaths make him dizzy. so he takes them staggering and uneven, in through his mouth and pushing out between his teeth. flickering colors fill the edges of his vision before coming to pool in the middle.
"you okay?" nishio asks, fading away behind the black flashes until there's nothing left but faint traces of his blue hair and red flame. "shu-"
nishio shakes him again and he startles. he bolts back, except there's nowhere to go, so he slams himself into the brick wall, knocking the wind out of himself. like a frightened deer, eyes darting along the empty backroads. wheezing. waiting for the fire. waiting for someone to come and give him what he deserves. waves of white static covering everything, like ash.
nishio backs off and puts his hands up. "w-woah, shu, calm down!" he looks around him, behind him, but he can't find what those glassy eyes are seeking.
the cigarette falls from his mouth, leaving behind a white trail and extinguishing itself on the ground between them. the wind blows a wisp of smoke past shusuke's face.
he tries to say something - help, maybe? - but it fizzles out to a strained, breathless noise. " hhh... " he tries to step back again, fruitlessly.
nishio slowly reaches out to touch shusuke's shoulder. hesitant, but shusuke can't tell whether he's concerned or scared. "why... why don't we get you home, okay, shu-chan?" he smiles, but he's looking shusuke over, worried glance scanning up and down. looking for an invisible problem. "we'll get you home, and you'll be okay, alright? you just... need to sober up."
when he slide his hand down to shusuke's back and gently urges him forward, the other limply lets himself be pushed. he takes a step, sluggishly, too numb to feel the ground beneath him. his jagged thoughts have tumbled into something formless, just instinct. he wants to run. he wants to curl up here in the middle of nowhere and rot. but his mind won't connect to his body. he lets nishio guide him, slow and insistent.
"easy now," nishio soothes, the hand on shusuke's back rubbing in gentle circles.
something jumps up into his throat. he gasps for air and retches, falling to his knees as his weak legs give out. his eyes sting and blur.
"it's okay, it's okay!" nishio doesn't sound confident, but he doesn't falter, staying at shusuke's side even as he's drooling bile onto the concrete, tears running down his face and hands shaking. nishio can't understand just how far he is from fine, but he stays steady as an anchor. "easy, easy. c'mon."
it would be easy to let himself lean on nishio. it's the only thing that's staying still with his vision swimming and his thoughts running senselessly. nishio's arm is around his shoulders, voice soft and tender and worried, and he hates it.
he lets out a sob before he clenches his teeth together to silence himself. he shoves it all back down - the tears, the vomit, the pathetic feeling. his muscles tremble and resist as he lifts himself up off the cold ground. his knees sting, and it's the only way he knows where his legs are. nishio holds onto him as his head spins. the ground spins.
"shu-chan, wait! d-don't push yourself-"
nishio's hands are on him, he's saying something, fussing over him, but shusuke tunes it out; or maybe he can't feel enough to focus on it, all his effort going into taking the next step. he crashes into the car, metal against fresh bruises. it's hard to breathe. he keeps going until he's made it to the passenger door. nishio darts ahead, eyes wide and movements frantic, to open the door then usher shusuke in.
he hears nishio sigh as he falls back into the seat. he hopes for relief, but he still feels like he's falling, sinking into it endlessly. his vision is clearer, but nishio is giving him a pitying look that he can't stand seeing. he squeezes his eyes shut and lets himself slump forward onto the dashboard.
the car smells like smoke.