Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Spensa’s POV
I had already been back in Detritus for almost two weeks. Everything was so scudding different. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to be back home, but many things had changed. The shield protected us, so we didn’t have to fight, but I still found excuses to do it. And being the answer to defeating the delvers no one dared tell me what to do. It was nice being close to Den of Everlasting Light Which Laps Gently upon the Shores of Time, I liked the kitsen, and Hesho seemed happy too. Oh, and I was the admiral’s girlfriend, that was also a nice change. We had only told our flight, well, ex-flight, as Jorgen clearly wasn’t flying with us anymore, and neither was FM, more changes. We didn’t actually tell them, I just made sort of a scene… but that’s a story for another day. And Alanik was now a member, I got to talk to her, it was kinda of nice getting to know the person I pretended to be. A lot of changes, mostly good, but it felt strange all the same.
But some things never changed, like our nightly gossip in the girl’s bedroom.
"So… have you and Jorgen been on any dates yet?" Kimallyn’s question caught me by surprise. I had completely forgotten dates were an actual thing.
"Does meeting secretly in his dorm or office count?" I knew it probably didn’t, so before someone could answer I laid down on the floor and continued. "Scud, I guess we haven’t, him being admiral and all, I don’t know if he has the time"
"Someone’s job shouldn’t interfere with spending time with their potential mate" It was still strange hearing Alanik say it that way, she had been practicing her English, but we had translator pins, so we didn’t really care. The word mate just sounded strange.
"Alanik’s right, you should go on a date, I really think Jorgen would appreciate it, and he probably needs it" FM was right, Jerkface was overwhelmed with everything, but that just meant he needed a break, and his girlfriend. It felt cheesy calling myself that, but it was also nice, agh, scudding Jerkface making me soft.
"Okay, but I know nothing about dates. Jorgen already told me I don’t need to give him an orc head, but that doesn’t really help" I made them laugh, and I couldn’t help but smile too, sitting back up.
"Bless your stars, Spin. I don’t know much about dates, or orcs, but I am sure we can work something out "
And work something out we did. It had less blood and swords than I would have liked, but it seemed like a nice idea. I was actually quite excited, but it was getting late and we needed to sleep. I climbed to my bed, being careful not to disturb Doomslug, who was already sleeping, and went to sleep, but not before saying good night to the others.

The next afternoon:
Jorgen’s POV
I had been all morning in meeting, and most of the afternoon supervising some classes. I was mentally exhausted. Luckily Cobb did all the paperwork, so I could kind of call it a day and just sit in my office. I was thinking if I should ask FM and Rig about their discoveries on the new types of slugs, when I heard a knock on the door. Scud, I really wanted to take some time to relax, maybe talk with my friends. I sighed, I knew I needed to answer, but that didn’t mean I needed to be thrilled about it.
"Is it urgent? " The door opened before I received an answer
"Your girlfriend is always urgent”, I couldn’t help but sigh in relief. I immediately relaxed and stood up, walking toward Spensa.
"Of course you are" I closed the door behind her and hugged her. She hugged me back, before pulling apart and kissing me, with that mix of fire and softness that had all her kisses.
"Hope you are not too tired for a surprise" Her eyes shined with a mix of eagerness and mischief
"Should I be afraid?" I asked, my hands had naturally moved to her waist, holding her
"Of me? Always, but you will like it, I promise" I could swear I heard her whisper ‘at least I hope so’. Anyway, I was excited, I loved spending time with her. But then I realized:
“Scud, I don’t really think I can leave… I need to be available if they need me”
“I asked Cobb to cover for you. Come on Jerkface, you need to have some fun” I could see a spark of pleading in her eyes, I couldn’t say no to her. It was quite easy reading Spensa’s emotions, primarily because we were both cytonic, and Spensa’s ghostly appearances had connected us in a strange way.
“Alright, alright, let’s go” Her smile grew bigger and I had no doubt I had made the right decision
“Okay, okay, but close your eyes” and so I did, all joking aside, there wasn’t anyone in the universe who I trusted more than Spensa. I could feel her pulling apart for my grip, before coming back and grabbing my hand “Snuggles, take us to Doomslug please”
I felt the travel through nowhere, but I didn’t open my eyes. When we got back, I could hear the sea. Scud, I had missed the sea, I had been so busy that I hadn’t come back to Evershore.
“You can open your eyes now” I did as I was told and saw a blanket laying on the sand, with lots of fruits and treats. I was shocked, it was beautiful. And, to make it even more special, the sun was setting. Now that Detritus was closer to a sun, we could actually see it at home too, but it definitely wasn’t the same. The beach seemed empty, it probably wasn’t the one near Dreamspring, but one in the smaller islands. Before I found the words, Spin started talking again. “Alanik and Kauri helped me with the fruits and food, we are sure none of it is toxic for us. Quirk and FM also helped me plan it. I know it isn’t much, I am sure you’ve to dates so–”
I couldn’t let her continue talking, I could hear the hint of insecurity in her voice, and I wouldn’t allow it. So I did a really Spensa thing, I just followed my instinct and kissed her. It was usually her who started the kisses, so I caught her by surprise, but she quickly kissed me back.
“I believe that means you liked it” She joked once the kiss ended.
“I love it, Spin, it’s perfect. You are perfect. Thank you” I also tried finding her cytonically, and sending her how I felt, it was easier than words
“Yeah, well, we should start eating.” She said, sitting down, a blush appearing on her cheeks. It still surprised me how someone who always sounded so confident and arrogant had such a difficult time accepting compliments and nice feelings towards her. He could feel her emotions, that crippling insecurity, that she wasn’t good enough, even though she was a scudding hero. It wasn’t long until I felt her push me out of her mind. If I had felt that much, it was only because she let me.
“I know, it’s just hard getting rid of old habits and thoughts. Can we not talk about this now?” she said inside of my head, I just sent her a wave of agreement, but couldn’t hide my worry. We had this unspoken agreement, what was said and felt via cytonics, wasn’t talked in the moment. I mentally noted to talk to her about that, after the date.
“So, the great and scary Spensa Nightshade prepared a date, for me. With no orcs, or blood” I joked, sitting next to her. I could feel her relax as I had dropped the subject.
“Juno told me it is called a picnic. And yeah, we agreed something more traditional was best for the first date. I can’t promise anything about the next one”
“Sounds good to me”
We spent the rest of the afternoon, and even some hours of the night, together. Just talking, eating, and laughing. Well, kissing and making out too, she was my scudding girlfriend after all. And I felt so lucky because of that, I had missed her. So I appreciated every second, I knew better than to take for granted our time together.

Chapter Text

Spensa’s POV
I was finally discharged from the hospital wing. Maybe not eating for the first few days wasn’t the best idea, but I couldn’t help it, it had felt really weird. Luckily, I had gotten used to it again, so I didn’t need IV anymore, and I could finally leave. When Kimallyn heard that I was probably going to be discharged that day she suggested a sleepover with all the flight, and ex-flight. I just couldn’t say no, I needed some normal stuff. I walked to our bedroom, but before I got in, I could hear their voices.
“Come on Jorgen, are you telling me none of those girls caught your attention?” I recognized Nedd’s voice. “You really expect me to believe all those dinners they made us go to were useless?” I remembered Jorgen telling me about those girls, I smiled as a plan formed in my head
“Well, I…” my boyfriend started talking, but I interrupted by entering the room
“Hi guys!” I heard them answer, but I didn’t pay attention, I walked towards Jorgen, sat next to him and kissed him, it wasn’t long, but it was enough to make my point. He, of course, kissed me back, although he was shocked “Yeah Nedd, all those dinners were useless, I never lose, so they didn’t have a chance”
There were a few seconds of silence before Arturo started laughing
“I told you! You owe me your dessert” he said to Nedder, who still seemed in shock. Kimallyn squeaked.
“Wait, yeah, Arturo, okay, but wait. How long? Why didn’t you tell us Jorgen? We are your best friends!”
“Before she left, obviously. And Arturo didn’t tell us either when he broke up”
“Because you are all ashamed to talk about your potential mates” I looked at Alanik, it still was strange seeing her after being her. “Except Spensa, I like you”
“From what I heard about you, I like you too. We are going to be good friends”
“Oh no, Alanik and Spensa together sounds like a headache,” Jorgen said and I couldn’t help but smile
“You love me, Jerkface” he… blushed? I was just joking, I didn’t know why that would make him blush, but I would ask later
“I am so happy for you guys, and for us, the pinning was unbearable,” Quirk said
“We didn’t flirt” I answered, we hadn’t flirted that much, had we?
“Bless your stars, Spin. As the saint says: Your actions are the ones you have to pay the most attention to, because they are the easiest to overlook.”
I was going to answer, but then I realized FM and Rig were quieter than normal, and I could see their hands touching slightly.
“OMG Rig! You told her!” I smiled “Finally, I won’t have to listen to you talking about her anymore. Or I will, but in a different way ” he blushed, and I laughed, I was really happy for them.
“Well, at least I didn’t talk about how much I hated her” Low hit, I was proud of him
“Yeah, but you made me believe it” FM answered before I could, with a smirk on her face. Scud, I had really missed them. The hours passed while we chatted, ate snacks and played games. It was a lot of fun. We finally decided it was time to sleep, so we threw our mattresses on the floor and brought some more, making a huge bed. Girls on one side, boys on the other, FM and Rig didn’t complain, they didn’t like being touchy around people, but I actually didn’t mind the opportunity to cuddle with Jorgen. But if he had asked, I would have told him that I was only next to the boys because the middle was the closest to the door. It was strategic, yeah, that. I was about to lay down when I heard someone inside of my head:
“Spin, can we talk? Outside” I could feel his nervousness, but couldn’t figure out why. I sent him an agreement as an answer, and I think he could feel a bit of my concern. He had gotten quite good at feeling other people and their emotions
I stood up and followed him outside, before leaving I could hear Nedd complaining about how unfair it was that we could talk in our minds. We walked for a bit before he turned around and faced me.
“Look, Spin, you know I am beyond happy that you are my girlfriend…” he started, he seemed to be avoiding the point
“But?”
“But” he took a deep breath, seemingly trying to find the words
“But?” I tried again, this time cytonically, asking him to let me feel what he was thinking. Of course, I didn’t need his permission, but it felt right to ask. He doubted for a moment, before letting it all out. He didn’t expect me to kiss him, he didn’t mind our friends knowing, but he felt we should have talked about it before and reached an agreement. He even felt ever so slightly betrayed that I didn’t ask him. He liked thinking things over and being able to make a decision. I was impulsive. But the wave of feelings wasn’t all bad, he liked me, a lot, something he always sent me when we were connected like this. He loved their reactions and thought it was actually fun my timing.
I knew he could feel how sorry I was, but I said it out loud all the same
“I am sorry, I didn’t think anything of it. I thought that, you know, being boyfriend and girlfriend, it would be alright”
“And it is, I am glad they know, just, next time, maybe we can talk it over, or a heads up”
“Yeah, I will” Scud, I really knew nothing about dating
“I assure you that neither do I” Scud, he could still hear my thought “Yeah, I can. And it’s alright, I just wanted to tell you, so you don’t kiss me next time in front of another vice admiral or something like that” I was glad he had told me, I wasn’t the best at communicating, but I knew it was important. I let him hear that too
“I would never. Come on, I may be impulsive, but I am not dumb” he raised an eyebrow “that dumb” he laughed softly and I couldn’t help but smile. That scudding beautiful laugh… I was just glad I could be the one making him laugh
“Again, I am sorry. But why didn’t you tell me before? And why were you so nervous?”
“Well, Spin, you aren’t known for being good at taking constructive criticism” oh, I mean, he was right, but did that really make him feel like he couldn’t talk to me? “I know I can talk to you, that’s why I did, but you are quite unpredictable”
“I know nothing about feelings,” I said suddenly “I don’t like taking criticism because it means I am not good enough. And I know I am good at flying and shooting. But I am not good at feelings. Help me, please” Jerkface and that scudding way he had to make me open up to him. So yeah, I meant every last word of that. I even felt like M-Bot, in his weeks of having feelings, knew more about them than me. I knew nothing about feelings, and even less about dating. About communicating with my boyfriend.
“I am not an expert either, you know, there isn’t a rulebook about feelings” I laughed softly
“Is Jorgen Weight telling a joke? Everyone be careful, a meteor is going to fall”
“Yeah, yeah, don’t change the subject, Nightshade.” he was smiling, I could feel he wasn’t annoyed. I could feel his really strong feelings towards me “What I was saying was that we can figure things out together, alright? We have a really intense way of communicating, so we don’t need words. We will be alright, you know I am not angry. But we can work forward from today, okay?”
I nodded, my eyes stinging slightly, but I wasn’t going to cry. I got up on my toes to reach his mouth and kiss him. Trying to send how I felt about him, even if I didn’t even understand it myself. He grabbed my waist, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. This kiss was long and full of emotions. When we parted, we smiled and stayed that way for some minutes, before making our way back. Before entering the room I stopped and turned to face him
“Jorgen?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we cuddle?” I didn’t let him get inside my head, I didn’t want him to know I was having nightmares. And I knew he wasn’t sleeping well either. Maybe that would help both of us. But if someone asked, it was because I was cold, warriors don’t cuddle.
“But if someone enters…”
“It’s your night off, no one should come looking for you” I looked at him in the eyes “Jerkface, please” I almost pleaded. His face relaxed, I didn’t need to be inside his head to know he wanted it too
“Alright, yes” I tried to hide a smile as we entered the room. Most of our friends were already sleeping, the plan of boys on one side, and girls on the other seemed like it hadn’t stuck. Kimmalyn was on one end, then FM and Rig, they weren’t cuddling, but they were holding hands. On the other end, there was Nedd, and then Arturo and Alanik, just a little too closed. Suspicious. Arturo was awake, as well as FM, but they barely even looked at us. In the middle, there was enough space for Jorgen and I. He laid down first and I laid down next to him, using his chest as my pillow. He wrapped his arm around my back. It was like we knew exactly what to do. It felt good.
That night I didn’t have nightmares. Maybe warriors did cuddle, even if it only was to forget the battle.

Chapter Text

Spensa’s POV

The delver was fighting back, as I tried to invade its mind and make it back down. It was taking everything of me to not lose myself in the darkness. I slowly started to lose strength, I couldn’t do it. Finally, the delver won and kind of absorbed my mind, I didn’t really exist anymore, but I was there, nowhere I guess. I could see everything through the delver’s eyes, I saw it getting near Detritus and attacking the people. Just like in that old video, there was no escape, the darkness swallowed all of them. Quirk, FM, Gran Gran, Rig, Nedd, Arturo, Alanik… and Jorgen. He was the last one. He tried escaping, he tried reaching me with his cytonics. I could listen, but I couldn’t answer. I could feel all his emotions, so when the delver finally got him, I could hear his scream inside of my head, and I could feel him just, shut down. I tried getting to him, I really did, but I couldn’t

I woke up in a cold sweat, and before I could even figure out it had been a dream, I hyperjumped to his room. I just stood there, looking at him. Now that he was vice-admiral-kinda-admiral he didn’t share his room anymore. I didn’t want to wake him up, but I couldn’t get myself to leave. I walked forward, getting a little bit closer to him. He was alive, that was what mattered. Of course he would be, but it calmed me down seeing him.

Jorgen’s POV

I woke up with the noise of some steps and Snuggles and Boomslug trilling. I opened my eyes and got jumpscared by a figure in my room. But I quickly realized it was Spensa, in her pijamas and with tears rolling down her cheeks. She wasn’t supposed to be there, but scud, she was crying, I couldn’t even think about telling her to leave. 

“Hey, Spin,” I said softly, sitting up and patting the bed next to me “Come here”

She doubted slightly before sitting next to me. She just looked at me for some seconds, before hugging me. She started crying, scud, it broke my heart to see her that way. She was really strong, but that only meant she kept a lot to herself. We did have more things in common than we had first thought. I rested my back against the wall and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her on my lap, so that she was sideways and resting on my chest. She was a bit shocked at first, but she quickly hugged again, sobbing softly. I, of course, hugged her back.

I looked for her mind, it was as easy as talking. It was the mind I knew the best, sometimes I doubted if even better than my own. I could feel her terror, scud, it was almost overwhelming, but I concentrated and started emitting calmness and love. It got easier because I really felt it. Her sobs started to get quieter until she wasn’t crying anymore.

“Hey, starshine,” I said, cupping her face with my hands. She smiled.

“Starshine?”

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” she nodded “Now, would you like to tell me what happened?”

She looked like she was trying to find the words, until a wave of concepts entered my head. Spensa failing. The delver defeating her and attacking us. The delver attacking me. 

“I am a hero, Jorgen, somehow I am the hero. And I am supposed to be it again. But what if I fail? I always wanted to fight, to be a hero. But now I just want this to end. Scud, I am crying again, heroes aren’t supposed to cry” She looked at me with those precious purple eyes, they were filling with tears once again. I wiped one out of her cheek before answering.

“You shouldn’t be a hero, none of us should be soldiers, we should be kids. But we can’t. We are just doing the best that we can, alright?” I kissed her forehead “And, I don’t know if you knew, but some species believe that crying is the sign of a big and strong heart. And I believe that’s exactly what a hero needs to have” It was true, the kitsen had told me they had a saying that meant more or less that. “For what’s worth, I believe in you, Spensa” I immediately felt how much it was worth “You are not alone, Spin. And you aren’t our only cytonic. We will figure a way to get out of this, we are humans, we are pretty good at being pretty hard to kill”

I could feel her relaxing as she laid against my chest once more. I started stroking her hair. Our minds were still connected, so I knew how thankful she was, even if she didn’t say it

“You are amazing, Spin. And you were before going to The Nowhere, to Starsight, before giving me a scudding heart attack while saving Alta” I just started talking, not knowing what was my point, but just saying what I felt. It usually worked with her. “You are so much stronger than you should. You are caring, even if you don’t like to really show it. Sometimes you are too selfless, I am always scared because I know you wouldn’t doubt it for a second before exchanging your life for any of ours. Getting yourself killed if it any of us got to live. But I know that can’t stop you, I wouldn’t do it even if I could. Because that’s who you are. A reckless, mad, precious, girl who would do anything to save the people she loves”

“I almost stayed in the nowhere.” She blurted out, not looking at me “I almost abandoned you, Jorgen” and that seemed to really hurt her.

“Spin, do you really think I am worried about things you didn’t do?” Yeah, it had shocked me, I had been desperate for her to come back. But it surprised me how sure I was about what I was saying “You are here, you came back. That’s what matters.” I turned her face softly so she was looking at me again “I don’t care who your father is, whether you are a hero or not, or how many krells you kill. I like you for who you are, Spin. I always did. And I am lucky to be your boyfriend, alright? And I will repeat it as many times as it’s necessary” I stayed connected to her mind enough for her to know I meant everything I said, but then I quickly closed up. I wanted to tell her I loved her, I really thought I did. It just felt like ‘like her’ didn’t really describe the intensity of the feelings. But we were 17, love felt like too much. And, at the same time, nothing felt near enough with her.

As I was lost in my thoughts, she kissed me, like she usually did when she felt words and thoughts weren’t enough. She always said I was better with knowing what to say, but she was definitely better with the physical affection part. I kissed her back.

“You are awe-” she interrupted me with another kiss

“Shut up and just kiss me, Jerkface.” She still had tears in her eyes, but I did as I was told. 

“Who would say the born leader would be so good at following orders”

“Shut it, Spin”

I laid down, bringing her with me. And we stayed that way for a few minutes, stealing each other kisses… well, Spensa did most of the stealing, and just cuddling. Eventually, she started dozing off. I wanted her to stay. I had really liked sleeping with her in the sleepover. But I knew it would cause a scene if someone came looking for me and saw her.

“Spensa” she opened her eyes and looked at me. I don’t know if she felt my feelings or just read my mind somehow without me realizing, because she said it before I could 

“I should go back to my room, right?” I nodded as she sat up “Do you think I could borrow Snuggles? I don’t want the eyes looking at me”

“No,” I said before I even knew what I was doing

“I was just asking to be nice, I will take him.” She rolled her eyes, I tried to reach her cytonically but she kind of shut me out. I knew she wanted to stay, and I knew she didn’t want to tell me. She knew how much I stressed about the rules, scud, this probably wasn’t even about her pride, she didn’t have the energy to argue with me.

She was about to stand up when I grabbed her wrist.

“Forget the scudding rules and consequences. If someone knocks, you can just hyperjump. Just stay. I know you want to, and, scud, I really want it too”

“Took you long enough, Jerkface”

“You could’ve asked first. You know I can’t say no to you” I pulled her closer so she would lay next to me again

Spensa’s POV

Scudding Jerkface and scudding way of making me say what I really feel

“I already woke you up, don’t really want to bring you more trouble today, you know?”

“Wow, the troublemaker Spensa Nightshade doesn’t want to cause trouble. Come on Spin, you know I don’t mind you waking me up. Just cuddle with me”

“You are getting bolder, Jerkface” but I kissed him cause he was scudding right, I could feel how he felt, and I really wanted this too. So that’s we did, we cuddled. A bit more than last time, as I was a little spoon. But it really felt good, a bit of calm in a fighting universe. That boy was something else, and he was mine. I got what he said, I felt lucky too. We were soldiers in a war, but right then, we were just a couple, cuddling and sleeping together. And that was scudding nice.

Needless to say, I didn’t have anymore nightmares that night.  

Chapter Text

Jorgen’s POV

I saw Spensa’s face through the window. The cytonic inhibitor made it so she couldn’t leave, and we couldn’t reach her. I tried to at least talk to her cytonically, but there was no way. She looked… calm. Why was she calm? She should be afraid, she should be screaming. Some minutes ago she was scared, but now she was just smiling at me, comfortingly. It wasn’t like her to go out without a fight, but I guess she knew nothing could be done. She had told me she had felt that way during The Battle of Alta II. But I didn’t like it, I for sure wasn’t okay with her dying. She moved her mouth, and I was abled to read her lips. ‘It’s okay, go. I love you’ I love you. Why was the first time she ever said it right before she died? I, once more, started frantically looking for another way. But Spensa looked at Alanik, and she grabbed me and hyperjumped out of the ship. When we reached Wandered Leaf, the explosion happened. And that was it, Spensa was gone. I shouted her name, tried to find her cytonically, even though I knew she was gone.

I woke up, still screaming. It took me some seconds to realize I was safe and in my bedroom. And that Spensa was probably safe too. Once I calmed down I realized Boomslug and Snuggles were missing. And then, Spensa appeared in my room, with both my slugs in her arms. I quickly dried my tears, scud, Had I been crying? And stood up

“Hey Spin, is everything alright?” I tried to sound calm and… fine, to be honest “Did you have another nightmare?” She tried to connect cytonically, but I didn’t let her. I knew that, if she wanted, she could do it all the same. But she didn’t. Good for me, because I didn't want her to know how vulnerable I felt. 

“Jorgen, Snuggles came looking for me, he brought me here.” scud, she sounded worry “Don’t try to lie to me, I can see your tears”

I wasn’t lying, was I? I sighed and sat on the bed. Of course she hadn’t come on her own, she was holding my slugs. Scud, Snuggles had gotten her, maybe because of my screams, maybe because I subconsciously told him to. There was no way I could convince her I was alright.

“I am your admiral, you shouldn’t see me like this” 

She put Snuggles and Boomslug down and sat next to me, taking my hand in between hers. 

“First and foremost, you are my boyfriend. Talk to me. I may not be as good as you with words, but you know I will listen” 

It sounded nice hearing her call me her boyfriend. I wanted to argue, that I was still her superior, that I was the scudding admiral, I shouldn’t be crying over a nightmare, or whatever. But I knew Spensa was more stubborn than me, so I wouldn’t win

Spensa’s POV

It broke my heart seeing him like this. I wasn’t usually one to be soft, but with him I couldn’t help it. And he was scudding stubborn. Not wanting to talk to me because of his position.

“Jerkface, please, let me just be your girlfriend, not a pilot under your command” his face shifted, he knew I was right. “May I?” I asked, reaching him cytonically. This time, he let me in.

It was the explosion he had told me about. Except, I was inside. I didn’t see what I was telling him, he didn’t let me, but I saw enough. I died. It was nice in a strange way that our worst fear was not being able no save the other. It was hurtful, for sure, but it really showed how much we meant to each other. 

I focussed on the real world again. Jorgen was looking at me, his eyes filling with tears again. He tried to quickly dry them, but I stopped him

“I…” he started saying, but he didn’t need you. I could feel how much he just wanted to hug me, to make sure I was really there.

“Just hug me, Jerkface, you know you can” he did, a strong hug. I hugged him back. I could feel how he was trying really hard not to sob. I tried making feel what I did, that I was okay, that I felt safe with him, and that I cared for him and wanted him to be okay

“Hey, Jorgen” I said softly, he tried to pull away, but I hold him tight “don’t you dare” I laid down, hugging him against my chest. It felt strange because, as he was much taller than me, it was usually the other way around. But it worked. “As I was saying, I know you feel like you need to keep everything to yourself and whatever excuse you tell yourself for it. But I scudding care about you, so let me help you. Just like you help me. I know nothing about relationships, but I am pretty sure they are supposed to be mutual”

“I don’t want to lose you” he whispered “And I know you are in the most dangerous position. But I need you, I don’t want to lose you”

“Hey, look at me.” he did, of course he did, and I cupped his face with my hands “I survived a bomb meant to kill an entire population, I survived a delver, scud, I survived a lot of delvers. I will be alright. Not only because I can take care of myself”

“I know you-”
“Shut it, I’m talking” he smiled softly, at least my unorthodox methods were working “but also because I know you will protect me. Just like I will protect you. Okay?” he nodded, I could feel he was thankful, but still a bit reluctant “You are not alone, okay? You shouldn’t carry this burden all on your own” I tried showing him the warmth I felt when I knew I could tell him stuff, and that I would absolutely do the same for him “So you better start calling me on your own, okay Jerkface?” 

“Yes madam” 

I kissed him, but softer than usual, just trying to show him how much I cared. We parted but stayed cuddling some minutes more, until he talked.

“I always thought our superiors knew better, and that I could hide in the rules and orders so nothing would truly be my fault. It never worked, I still felt guilty. But now… Now I make the call. Now if someone dies it really is on me”

“Except it isn’t. You are a kid, Jorgen. We all are. If I shouldn’t be a hero, you shouldn’t be admiral. But here we are. Doing the best we can with what we got.” I caressed his face with my thumbs. “And all the people here know the risk, know why we fight. I know you are obsessed with the rules, but even you kind of didn’t follow orders when ReDawn”

“They were-”

“I am proud of you for that. But what I mean is, if you give some dumb order, chances are people won’t follow it. Or FM, Arturo, or even me, will tell you how dumb it is. You aren’t alone. You can rely on us, even if Cobb gave you a little new tittle and a little new suit. Okay? We can share the burden. We want to help you. I want to help you. So promise me you will let me”

He stayed quiet a few seconds, he had already stopped crying. He didn’t answer immediately, but he did kiss me. Some second later a wave of gratitude flooded my brain, with another simple but strong concept, a promise. We stayed that way for a while, hugging. I caressed his hair softly. Until he spoke again, just a whisper.

“I should tell you to go, but I don’t really want you to”
“No way I’m leaving, Jerkface. If I could sleep with you because I had a nightmare, I can sleep with you because you had one”

“Stop scolding me, can't you see I am sad?” He answered back, but smiled and pulled apart from the hug. He felt better, I could tell

“At least I made you smile, so I am doing something right” 

It was sort of weird seeing him so vulnerable, but I preferred that over him hiding his feelings.

“You are doing everything right, Spin, as always. Now come here, you are the short one” 

Jorgen’s Pov

Of course she did, I was actually feeling better. I didn't know someone could comfort me in an aggressive way, but with Spensa, it made sense. I opened my arms so she would be the one and my chest.

“Don't. Call. Me. Short” she should have sounded scary, but I couldn't help seeing how cute she actually was. Although she argued, she still hugged me. 

“Whatever you say” I kissed her forehead “Good night, Starshine”

“Good night Jorgen”

I was really lucky to have her, even if that meant I could lose her some day. And, scud, I actually thought I loved her. But maybe I was the coward, because I couldn't get myself to say it. I caressed her hair, and slowly fell asleep. It wasn't fair how well and easily I slept when I was with her

Chapter Text

Jorgen’s POV

I was in a boring political meeting. I wasn’t good at this, that was why I had FM, but I was required to be there. Hopefully, it wouldn’t last too much longer, I was really hungry. Kauri was explaining the concept of ambassadors and whatever. 

“Hey Jerkface” I heard in my head and was startled. I heard Spensa laughing on the other side. 

“Spin, you know I’m in a meeting” FM and Alanik looked at me, but the others didn’t seem to notice anything

“I know, but I can literally feel how bored you are.” She was right, but I needed to pay attention. “We are in the dining hall, I think Rig is trying to explain some machinery to Nedd and Arturo. One seems to be following him, the other one, not so much, I won’t tell you who, though”

It took all of my self-control not to laugh, I knew exactly who understood and who didn’t

“So… anything interesting there?” Before I could answer, someone else talked

“Hey Spensa”

“Oh, hey Alanik, having fun?”

“Seeing Jorgen’s reactions? Absolutely”
“SPIN!” I shouted inside of my head, I was sure I was blushing, Alanik held back a laugh “I thought you could talk without being detected”

“I can, it is more like entering your mind than talking. But why would I? Now I can talk with my friend Alanik too. And she is in the same room as you… while I distract you” 

Scud, I could feel the maliciousness from both of them. The next time Angel spoke, it was out loud:

“What do you think, Admiral? Sounds like I plan?”
“I. Hate. You. Both”
“What did I do?” Spensa said, faking innocence, it felt like she wanted to say something else, but I lost her.

“ Sorry Alanik, could you please repeat what you meant?”
“Of course, FM was proposing ending the meeting here to go have lunch”
Really? Only that?

“I believe that to be the best. The meeting has officially ended, everyone is dismissed. 

Spensa’s POV

I was going to continue to distract Jorgen, but I heard my name being shouted:

“Spin! You are back!” Sadie ran to me, while Trey and Corbin entered the dining hall behind her, walking. 

Right, my return wasn’t really talked about in the caverns, and the three of them were on leave. Actually, when I got back, Quirk, Nedder and Amphi were on leave too, but I specifically called for them. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the other three, but I wasn’t that close to them.

“Sentry! Good to see you” She sat in-between Quirk and me, after she made her room. I knew that girl admired me, so I tried my best “I heard you were with the flight in ReDawn and Evershore. That’s amazing. You had been to more planets than me” that was, of course, because The Nowhere and Starsight weren’t technically planets

“Yes, it was amazing, but we missed you” Sometimes her energy was a bit much, but I must admit that I kind of liked it. Finally, the other two reached us.

“Hi, Catnip, T-Stall” I greeted them as Kimmalyn started talking to Sadie.

“Corbin! Trey! Finally, someone to talk to, these two nerds are almost speaking in another language.” Nedd said and the two boys sat next to him “So, who thinks they can eat more algae fritters than me?”
“Please don’t” Quirk said, but T-Stall already had a fritter in his hand

“You are on”

“No one is competing on who eats more.” Jorgen said, entering the dining hall with FM and Alanik. Luckily we were the only ones who were still in there, as it was kinda late already, because I don’t think the Admiral should be shouting that. 

I saw Trey, Corbin and Sadie straighten and couldn’t help but laugh softly, luckily, Nedder wasn’t impressed.

“Sorry Admiral, sir, we thought you were in a meeting” he said, faking respect to his authority.

“Exactly Nedd, were” He sat next to me, while FM sat next to Rig and Alanik next to Amphi… as always.

“Hey Jerkface” I said

“Hello Spensa”

“What did I do?” I didn’t exactly know what I had caused by distracting him, but I knew he was only a little bit angry, so it probably wasn’t that serious. “Alright. Hi FM, hi Alanik, how was the meeting?”

“Ask me, because Jorgen wasn’t paying that much attention, right FM? I asked him something and I needed to repeat myself. It was like he was caught in his thoughts. Weird, isn’t it?”
I laughed out loud, my other friends were a bit confused.

“You are amazing, Angel,” I said as I high-fived her “What did you ask him?”
“If we could end the meeting”

“That’s awesome”

“As the saint says: keeping a joke to yourself is keeping joy away from others” Quirk said and I looked at her, not quite understanding, she sighed “What are you talking about?”

“They are talking about how they embarrassed me in front of everyone” Jorgen spoke before I could… he did sound angry.

“I distracted him by talking cytonically. And Alanik joined us but afterwards asked Jorgen something while he was distracted. It wasn't really that serious, I am sure no one cared” 

Nedd and Arturo laughed, even Rig smiled and Kimmalyn hid a soft chuckle. Trey looked like he didn't know whether he could laugh or not, and Sadie and Corbin looked confused as to why we were laughing at the Admiral.

“Come on, loosen up a bit, it was fun” I looked at Jorgen and smiled “You were bored”

“I hate you”

I almost kissed him, but I remembered three people there didn't know, so I stopped myself.

“I know you don't” I then switched, entering his mind, so not even Alanik could hear us “May I?” I didn't need to say anymore words, the rest were images and feelings.

I felt a bit of resistance, because he was a bit angry, but he eventually softened up and accepted. So I kissed him.

“ Look at you, all soft for me, you can’t even stay angry”

“You are also soft for me, Nightshade” I tried to not show him that I agreed, but he knew. 

We parted and I looked around, Sadie was shocked. T-Stall and Catnip looked like they weren't going to say anything about it, and tried to hide their surprise. Sentry didn't.

“Spin, you kissed the Admiral” she whispered, I laughed softly.

“He is the same Jerkface as always, the only thing is that he wears white now”

“A little more of respect for your boyfriend, Spin”

Oh, I respected my boyfriend. My Admiral? Not so much.
“You are dating the Admiral?” she said, louder this time

“I sure am, Sentry”

“Wait, is that even allowed?” Catnip finally said “I mean, great, it was hard watching you two flirt with each other and be so oblivious. But is it allowed?”

“Yes and no, the rulebook normally talks more about the relationships between cadets, which are prohibited but luckily we aren't, and flightleader and pilot in their flight, which are mostly prohibited and/or frowned upon, which we were but we aren't anymore. It has a subsection were it talks about any relationship between someone in a position of power and another person under their command, which would be our case, it says they should be avoided, specially in those who are young or still pilots. But they aren't strictly prohibited because there were a few cases where they didn't want to lose people”

“What Jerkface here is trying to say” FM started translating “Is that it is kind of allowed but you shouldn't say anything because it's safer if it is a secret”

“Yes, I suppose that's a way of saying it” Jorgen admitted before he started eating.

“Alright, we get it, you two are lovebirds”

“What? Jealous, Arturo? Do you want to be a lovebird with someone?” He blushed, so I knew I had said the right thing.

“You humans and your embarrassment” Alanik shook her head while grabbing a fruit. Amphi looked like he wanted the rocks to swallow him and I laughed. 

I leaned backwards to talk to Quirk 

“We need to do something about that” I whispered. I knew I could just enter her head, but people tended to freak out when I did that. 

She nodded. We stayed until Alanik, FM and Jorgen finished eating, and then stood up and walked towards the door. Before leaving with Rig to try to find out how to do a machine to stop delvers, I grabbed Jorgens hand.

“Hey, Jerkface, you can bother me too if you want to. Anytime” I winked at him and quickly followed Rodge.

Chapter Text

Kimmalyn’s POV

Nedd, Arturo, FM, Rig and I were having lunch in the dining hall. Sentry, T-Stall and Catnip were supposedly coming, they had been sent to Alta Base to make sure a cargo ship got there safely. Alanik and Spensa were supposed to come too, but they were probably training in cytonic stuff and trying to figure out how to stop the delvers from killing us all. Bless their stars, that must have been a lot of pressure. 

“FM, in a few weeks it’s your birthday, right?” Arturo asked, and she nodded. 

And a feeling of nostalgia filled my brain.

“It’s already been a year, right? Since we started, since we’ve known each other” I said, the others seemed to realize it too.

“It feels like a lot, but too little at the same time” FM added, she was right. “And we are all 18”

“We are? I don’t remember Quirk’s and Spin’s birthdays” Nedd said, of course we were, it had been a year. I knew he knew it, never quite got his act.

“My birthday was after I left the flight. I wished I could have celebrated with you guys. But well, as the saint says: sometimes what you lose, makes you appreciate more what you will have” And then I realized “But Spin…”

“A month ago, more or less” Rig answered “She was in The Nowhere, I don't think she even noticed it”

“That’s quite sad” FM said “Birthdays are important in my caverns”

“She always said she didn't care, but it probably was because she couldn't do much.” Rig explained.

During the months we were together, we learned more about Spensa’s life. Some she told us, some we found out. It really saddened me to know she hadn't had friends, or birthdays, since she was 7. But things had changed, she had friends, and she would have a birthday.

“Well, we will have to make her a surprise birthday party then. I think we owe her that” I said, determined.

“Sounds like a plan. It won't be easy though” FM said

“It won't, it wasn't easy keeping secrets from her even when she couldn't read minds” Rig added and then Sadie, Trey and Corbin walked to us.

“We are back” Sadie said and sat down with her tray of food.

“Hi guys, did you have a smooth flight?” I asked

“We did. What were you talking about?” Catnip said in between bites

“It was Spin’s birthday, we want to throw her a surprise birthday party” FM explained

“Oh my saint, I love those, I always wanted to make one” Sentry almost squeaked

“Great, ‘cause we will need the help. It won’t be easy keeping Spensa away from us. Not after she already had training today. We will need a distraction, and divide the stuff that we need to do” Arturo said

“Jorgen will be the distraction” FM stated, noone said otherwise “Sadie could decorate our room”

“Angel could help me with that, I love her tree chair” Sentry said

“If she needs to go to ReDawn I could go with her” Arturo offered himself like he didn't actually care. We all knew he did.

“FM, Nedder and I could go to Evershore and ask the Kitsen for help with the food. Theirs is so much better than ours” T-Stall said and the other nodded.

“But guys, we can’t just leave” Sentry said

“I will talk with Jorgen, we will find a way. Rig, do you think you could find something to amplify FM’s music? And lights. I think that would really add to the party. Maybe Catnip could help you” I said

“I will see what I can do” he answered

“The music would be awe-” FM started but was interrupted by Alanik and Spensa.

“Hi guys, what's up?” Spensa greeted while sitting down next to Rig, Alanik did the same next to Arturo and Corbin.

“Not much, just that Skyward Flight is one year old” FM quickly said

“Wow, Happy Birthday guys” Spin said and started eating.

“You too” I said, excited for our plan. “And sorry for leaving so quickly, but I need to use the toilet. Excuse me” 

I stood up and left my tray where I should. I then walked into the passageway. But I didn't walk towards the toilet, I went to Jerkface’s office. Once there, I was stopped by someone who worked there.

“The admiral is in a meeting with a Leader of the National Assembly”

Bless his stars, he was always busy.

“It's alright, I can wait” But then NAL Mendez walked out of Jorgen’s office, followed by him.

“Once again Admiral, I am truly sorry for our lost, but specially yours” 

“Thank you NAL Mendez, and thanks for the invite, I will try my best to be there” Jerkface answered and the mother of Arturo left “Hi Quirk, sorry I couldn't have lunch with you guys” before I could answer he continued, but this time talking to the other guy “Venti, it's alright, she can come in” then he went inside his office once more. I followed and closed the door.

“Are you alright, Jorgen?” he had his hardened appearance, but it wasn't that difficult looking past it. Not after all these months.

“I am alright enough”

“Bless your stars, and FM’s and Spin’s for actually getting you to talk about your problems” He opened his mouth but I continued “It's fine, you know you can count on me, but you will have enough time to talk with your girlfriend afterwards. As the saints says: you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped”

“I don't know what you mean, Quirk. I actually have a meeting with Cobb today, he is planning on coming back” 

“Oh, great, I am sure Cobb will understand. It was Spensa’s birthday while she was in the nowhere” his leader-admiral facade flicked a bit.

“It was?” he sounded a bit heartbroken “I had no idea”

“None of us, only Rig. We want to throw her a surprise birthday party. We thought maybe you could help us to, you know, have the afternoon kind of free. And also distracting the birthday girl”

“Scud. Alright, I will radio Cobb and try to have the rest of the afternoon free. You don't worry, what do you need?”

“FM, Nedder and T-Stall to Evershore and Amphi and Angel to ReDawn”

“That's easy, Ambassadors, it’s done. Tell Spin to come meet me in around an hour”

“Thanks Jerkface, I would say we owe you, but we all owe Spensa”

“We do”

“Well, I’ll go. I will also tell Spensa to bring you some food”.

“But-”

“No buts” I said as I left.

Jorgen’s POV

I just couldn’t tell her no. She was right. We owed Spensa. I grabbed my radio and called Cobb, he told me to only do it if it was absolutely neccesary. But if he came in an hour and a half I wouldn’t be there…

“I am seeing you in less than two hours, why is it that you need to call me, kid?” He didn’t call me Admiral, I actually preferred it that way.

“I won’t be here, s-” I stopped myself before calling him sir, as he had told me to stop

“And why is that, son?”

“Do you want the official reason or the real one?”

“For the Northern Star, what are you planning?”

“Real one it is. A surprise party for Spin. Her birthday was while she was in The Nowhere”

“What was I thinking when I made an 18 year old Admiral? It’s a rhetorical question, don’t answer. I actually don’t regret it. Fine, I will go all the same, and I will have a meeting with you and her. I was planning on talking with Spin all the same. Does that work for your plans?”

“Yes, thank you”

He stopped answering. I sighed and stood up, leaving my office.

“Venti?” He saluted “I will be busy all afternoon. I will only accept visits from Spensa Nightshade, callsign: Spin, and Matthew Cobb, callsign: Mongrel, as I have a meeting with them”

“Yes, sir, will do” 

“Thank you” I went inside my office again and grabbed my computer, writing down a report. Officially FM needed to go to Evershore as she was our ambassador, and needed to take two more people as support, just to continue the connection with the Kitsen. And Angel just needed to talk some stuff at home but felt safer going with her flightleader. It was weird not being the flightleader anymore, but I knew Arturo was doing a great job. I also knew there was something between those, but at least they weren’t as oblivious as Spin and me. 

Once I finished writing the reports, I just sat there, waiting for Spensa. It wasn’t long before she walked through the door.

“Hello, sir” she said mockingly, she had a tray with a bowl of algae soup. I couldn’t not smile.

“Hi, Starshine” she smiled and blushed softly. I loved that nickname. 

She sat down in front of me and left the tray on the table.

“So, why did you want to see me?” She asked

“Can’t I just want to see my girlfriend?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, sure, I usually have to come looking for you because you are drowning in work. What did you need me for? Other than making sure you ate and took care of yourself” that kind of hurt, I actually wanted to see her, but it was true, I was usually too busy. 

“I wanted to see you. And Cobb is coming and wanted to talk with you too” thank the Northern Star’s light for that being actually true.

“There it is” she sounded kind of disappointed. Scud, I hadn’t been that good of a boyfriend, had I?

“Sorry. I know I am too busy, I will make it up to you, I promise”

“Don’t worry, I understand, I am extremely busy too. Now eat”

“Yes, sir” I said and started eating

“Please don’t call me that, some of the engineers and cadets call me that. Is like the afterwards of the Battle of Alta Second all over again” I laughed softly, she always said she wanted to be a hero, but she hated all the attention she got after that. Specially the political one “So, how are you? Quirk told us you were with NAL Mendez”

“Oh yeah” I said in between spoons of soup “She just wanted to invite me to some political party” in honor of my parents and the other assembly members who died, but I didn't say that.

“Is that really it?” 

I could feel a slight pressure against my mind, it was Spensa, asking for permission. I tried to push her away. She didn't insist.

“It is. How was your training?”

“You will talk eventually. It was alright, I tried some other skills, but I actually don’t care if I don’t learn them. Yes, mindblades would rock, but I don’t really think they will work against Delvers.”

“I thought all the being fused with a Delver would make you learn things faster”

“Not really, but I am better at seeing things and places like Chet could”

“I guess it makes sense”

“It doesn’t, nothing does. I am fused with an AI that cloned itself and then erased its memories. A slug saved my life. Nothing makes sense” Snuggles, Doomslug and Boomslug all thrilled ‘sense’ “Sorry, we appreciate you, but it’s strange” she petted her slug 

Once I finished eating, almost like in cue, Cobb entered. Spensa and I immediately stood up and saluted

“Jorgen, for now, you are the admiral, I should be saluting you. Hello Spin, you may rest” both of us stopped saluting and sat down.

“Hello Cobb, sir” Spin said while he sat down.

“So, what did you want to talk with us about?” I asked

“I am coming back to service. Starting now”

“Now?!” I said, surprised

“Yes, I already rested enough and it is starting to get boring down there. So Jorgen Weight, you are relieved from your position as Admiral and will go back to being Vice-Admiral”

“Yes, sir” I answered, actually relieved by the news. It would be nice having less responsibilities. Although I would still have a lot. 

“And my first order is for you two to go on leave”

“But, sir-” Spensa said, I wanted to object too, but I wouldn't talk back to Cobb.

“No buts, from neither of you. You” he said, looking at me “haven't had a leave since your parents died, but you gave one to your flight. And you” he started talking to Spin “haven't had one since coming back from The Nowhere”

“I was in the hospital wing”

“For the Northern Star’s light, that isn't rest. You two stop trying to push yourselfs. My order is final”

“Yes, sir” we answered at the same time

“You can stay in base tonight, but I don’t want to see either of your faces around here tomorrow, understood? I don't know, go on a date or something”

“I, sir” I started

“You two are finally dating, right?” before I could say anything, Spin answered.

“Yes, sir”

“Finally, you were getting on my nerves” my face must have shown my panic, because he added: “Don't worry, vice-admiral, I am not a tattletale, and I don’t really care. I won’t tell anyone. Now out of my office, and Jerkface, change into your correct uniform”

Spensa walked out first and I looked at Cobb. I believed he winked at me, but it was really quick, so maybe I imagined it. I walked out after Spensa. 

Chapter Text

“I should go change” I said once we were in the passageway.

“Alright, I will see if Rig needs any help”
“No” I quickly said “We are spending the afternoon together” I needed to keep her busy, but I actually really wanted to be with her all afternoon. She smiled.

“Yes, sir” I ignored the mocking and the smirk on her face.

“But I need to go change my clothes” I said as I started walking to my room. It would still be my room, as it was just a general high rank one “Could you…?”

“Of course I will stay outside, Jerkface. I don't want a show”

“Alright, Alright” I said, I could feel my face burn, but hers was red too, so none of us said anything. We were 18, it wasn’t that weird if I changed in front of her… or if she wanted to see me, right?

Anyways, I entered my room and was going to change into my proper uniform, but then a plan formed in my head. I grabbed my flight suit and put it on. It wasn't the right color now, as Vice-Admiral I wasn't meant to fly. But I found myself not being able to care. Scud, Spensa’s recklessness was sticking on me. 

I got out of my room and Spin looked at me, surprised.

“Are you going to fly?”

“I was thinking of going to the orchards near Alta Base, what do you think? We can take our ships and come back to say goodbye to the others and we will stay here tonight” It was the first plan that came to mind, I hadn't flown a ship in weeks and I really wanted to.

“Are we allowed to take ships to Alta?”

“I am allowed as Vice-Admiral, and it’s not like they are really needed nowadays. I know we could just use the taynix but-”

“I want to fly too, let's go”

She started walking quickly and I needed to jog a bit to reach her. We then walked at a normal pace to the landing pad. I was getting ready to order the ground crew to give us two ships, but Spensa spoke first.

“Hi Dorgo, is my ship and Skyward One operational?”

“They are, do you need them?”

“Yes please”

“All yours, Spin.” Then he seemed to realize I was there and saluted “Sorry sir, didn't see you”

“Don’t worry about him, he is with me. Thanks Dorgo” Spensa said with a smile. Maybe I had gotten too much into my position and rules that I forgot some stuff.

“You may rest, and thanks. We will bring them back in proper shape latter today” 

He nodded and we got in our ships.

“You don't have a rank, and Dorgo just listened to you” I told Spin cytonically while starting to fly.

“He knows me and trusts me. You guys told me the authority hadn't been the best before you became Admiral. A fake Cobb and a useless Vice-Admiral, I guess some people prefer to do what someone they trust and know say that an authority who just happens to have a high rank”

Spensa’s PoV

What I sent to Jorgen were mostly images and sensations, but putting it in words it was something like that. I felt Jorgen's doubt, he followed rules, he always did what authority told him… until he didn't, and exactly that was what saved Cobb and gave us allies. And then he was the authority.

“ Maybe now that you have some less responsibilities you can try and show people you are still the same, and that you listen to them. Us, your flight, we know it, but even Sentry has some trouble seeing you as more than Admiral, now Vice-Admiral”  I said

“But they need to see me as their Vice-Admiral”

“They need to see you as someone who they can trust. You need to show the power didn't get to your head”

“It didn't”

“I know it, but they maybe don't. Just food for the thought”

I could almost feel the gears in his brain moving. I smiled and sent him a clear message: it isn't easy changing a way of thinking, but you are doing great. 

“Jerkface” I said through the radio, we were already away from any debris “Race” I got to mag 6 just to show him I was serious, leaving him behind.

“Wait, I need to say we are going to land”

“Let's land on the ground and walk, it's easier” Doomslug thrilled “Or they can take us” I got to mag 8

“You reckless…” he didn't finish talking and started going faster. 

He couldn't go to mag 10 immediately, so he slowly went faster until he reached me. I started going at mag 7 to let him catch up, then got up once more to mag 9, thanking the con-gravs for helping me. He flew next to me, we were never wingmates, but we knew each other and could definitely fly together, almost as one. Maybe it was the cytonic connection, maybe a bit more. I did some tricks, feeling the adrenaline rushing through my body. Jorgen didn't, but I could feel his mind close to mine, he was enjoying this too. Once we got closer to the ground we slowed down. We landed carefully and got out of the ship, taynix on our shoulders. 

“That was awesome” I said, smiling.

“I must admit it was fun, I missed flying”

“I know, I did too. Now let’s go”

I started walking to the orchards, he quickly got next to me and we started walking side by side, our minds open to each other. He grabbed my hand, and he must have felt my confusion, because he spoke:

“I don’t think we will come across anyone who knows us. And if we do, let them figure it out, I wanna hold my girlfriend’s hand”

“Good, I want to hold your hand too. You are getting more flexible, you know, about the rules”

“And you are getting more cautious, I guess we are good influences on each other”

It was kind of dangerous walking with no protection, but we enjoyed it, so we didn't use the taynix. And it wasn't long until we reached the orchards. Now that we were closer to a sun, we could probably use its light to grow plants. But we were more worried about it killing the ones we had. It hadn’t happened yet. The farmers could even turn off the artificial lights during the day, like at that moment. It was nice, but the kitsen said it could hurt our skin. 

We sat down under a tree at one end of the orchard. At that time the farmers were usually leaving, but there were some scientists trying to figure out how the plants reacted to the sun. I rested my head on Jorgen’s shoulder,

“So, are you going to tell me what happened today? And don't tell me nothing, I know you, and can kind of feel your feelings”

“Fine, fine” he sighed “The party is” his voice broke “Don't read my feelings, I want to say it” I nodded, even though we both knew it wasn’t conscious, and he didn’t close his mind to me. I could feel it was about his parents, but I let him talk. He took a deep breath. “It’s in honor of those who, those who died in the explosion. My parents... My parents too. A kind of celebration of life. We don’t do that stuff here, you know, people used to die in the sky almost daily. What would we celebrate? But the Urdail do, and some people thought it was nice. Trying to celebrate what the person did instead of only being sad about them leaving. And like we can’t give them an actual burial, they thought this would help.”

His emotions went from grief to anger, but I couldn't quite get why. His mind felt like an overwhelming sea of feelings.

“That actually sounds nice” I said slowly

“I believe it can be. But I know some of those people, they are egocentric pieces of rotten algae. I am sure they are happy people died so they can get a higher position” His voice and mind filled with poison, and his eyes with tears. The anger only trying to hide the grief “And,” He took another deep breath, “and, I haven't gone home yet. I don't know if I can. Scud, it has been weeks already, and I still can't talk about it”

I cupped his face with my hands and made him look at me.

“Hey, look at me, please” I searched for his eyes with mine “It will take months, scud, it will take years for you to be able to talk about it normally. You aren't supposed to be fine.”

“I am Vice-Admiral, I am supposed to be strong”

“And before that you were flightleader, and were supposed to be strong too. And before that the child of a First Citizen.” I swiped a tear from his cheek with my thumb “You are strong, Jorgen, too scudding strong. But that doesn't mean you don’t have feelings. Scud, you are human, you are allowed to have feelings. You are supposed to. We are aggressive, and emotional, and impulsive, and kind, and empathetic, and all that is what makes us human. You aren't supposed to be strong with me, so go ahead, cry. I get it, I truly do, and I would be worried if you were fine” I sent him that feeling of empathy, that I knew how it felt, and I was going to be with him. I had my mom and Gran Gran, and he had all of us by his side.

He started crying, hugging his knees and hiding his face, as if trying to hide from me. I just threw an arm over his back and hugged him. He slowly started leaning on me. I just made sure he knew I was there, but knew nothing I said could make it better. 

He let me explore his mind, he completely opened, and I could feel even his most hidden thoughts. He felt like now he could be free, no expectations from his parents or superiors cause he was the superior. And an immense guilt coming from that thought. Like he was thinking how he could even see a positive side to his parents being dead. Like that made him a monster. I could feel how he pressured himself to be perfect, to be exactly what people expected him to be, and in that he was losing himself. How he tried so hard to be the authority, that his connections were weakened, that Corbin, Trey and Sadie didn’t feel comfortable talking to him because of his rank. How strong were his emotions towards me, how he felt really bad for letting himself drown in work and not seeing us, me, as much. How he really regrets telling the flight about my father and just repeating what his parents said. How he wanted all of this to be over, but was worried he wouldn’t know what to do after the war, without rules, without orders. He was worried he wouldn’t know who he was without the war.

So I opened up too, it felt fair to do so. How I didn’t grief properly until I knew the truth about my father, ‘cause I hid the sadness behind the anger of him being falsely called a coward. How my personality was formed all around not being a coward and clearing my dads name. How I could finally get to know myself behind all the threats and aggressiveness once I got comfortable with the flight. How I finally realized I didn’t actually want to be a hero from the stories, how I just wanted to be with my friends and family. How difficult it was for me to trust anyone in my life. How I learnt that being afraid didn’t make me a coward. How I felt about him, and that sometimes I was afraid of not being enough. Because I knew he had so many other choices in the lower caverns and he could replace me in the bat of an eye. How I was also sorry about the way I treated him, how I didn't want people to see me as the daughter of, and I could just see him as the son of. How he had everything I could have had if the circumstances had been different, how he represented everything that was taken away from me. But, how I, at that moment, knew how dumb it was to judge him for things he couldn't control. How jealousy of someone not needing to hunt to survive had gotten the best of me. How glad I was I had him by my side. 

He looked at me, not sobbing anymore. I just grabbed his face and kissed him. In a way I felt naked, we were both completely vulnerable to the other. But we felt safe. I kissed him until I needed a proper breath and couldn't continue. He hugged me and I cuddled into his side. No words necessary, they wouldn't have been enough anyway. We cuddled and stayed there all afternoon, in the end just talking about trivial stuff. We even got to see the sunset. 

Alanik’s PoV

Once we finished eating, I was going to go to my room to shower, I thought Spensa would probably do the same thing before going with Jorgen. We all stood up and left our trays, except Quirk who had already done it. Sadie, Spensa and I started walking to our room but FM called for me:

“Angel, could you come with me for a minute? Amphi, flightleader, you too should be informed about this” I told Sentry and Spin to go on without me and went with FM and Arturo. T-Stall, I had finally figured out who was who, and Nedder were there too. 

“What’s the matter?”

“We are going to throw a surprise birthday party for Spensa” FM explained, I was getting better at English, but I still had my pin that translated what she said as: ‘date of birth’

“What’s that?”

“You know, when people get a year older” Arturo tried explaining.

“Oh, do you mean a Sunlap party? When someone finishes a lap around the sun. We don’t actually count years, we count seasons. But I think it's the same,” I said. Those celebrations were fun. Except in your number 15 when you needed to get to the top of your birth tree. For me it had been fun, for others not so much.

“As you know, we didn't have a sun around here before moving next to Evershore, but I guess it is something like that” 

“The thing is, Spensa's was while she was in The Nowhere. So we wanted to surprise her, and we thought about surprising her. Could you help us decorate our room? ReDawn style is better than all this grey” FM explained. 

She was absolutely right, I preferred my home’s style too, that's why I had brought a chair. But I stayed in Detritus because I liked my new flight, we had quickly become friends. I had some friends at home, ex-team members and such, but it wasn't quite the same. I liked Spin too, so I didn't doubt it before answering.

“Yeah, of course, I will see what I can bring”

“I will go with you,” Amphi said. FM wished us luck and left with the other two.

That was kind of strange. I didn’t complain, though. I enjoyed spending time with him, I could even think of him as a future potential mate-pair. Although here the humans had to make that official. So yeah, I did kind of like him, it was even nice when we got to sleep together. But I didn't know if he liked me back, humans had strange ways of showing that stuff. I thought maybe I should throw him a Blooming fruit, but I didn't know if he would understand what it meant.

“I thought we were over the not trusting me thing” I said, still not sure why he wanted to come with me.

“We are, I just thought maybe you could use the help. Or the company” Arturo replied, he seemed awkward and slightly pinkish, although that could have been because they were new to having a sun.

“Alright, are you okay with going right now?” 

“Uhhh, yeah” 

“Good” I grabbed his hand so we would Hyperump together “Make sure Naga isn’t left behind, I am going to use Nuts”

“Nuts!” My taynix trilled. 

Rig had given me Nuts. He was one of the taynix Jorgen had been able to call when fighting The Superiority in Evershore. Even after giving taynix to all the pilots who had lost theirs in the explosion, there were some left, so I got to keep one. It was also a symbol of union between ReDawn and Detritus, as they showed they were okay with sharing their secrets. 

“Alright. Ready” his face seemed even more red. 

‘I should really bring them some leaf cream to protect themselves.’ I thought.

I found Nuts’ mind and showed him my room at Spindle. We sneaked past the eyes and got to ReDawn. 

“Alright, we should have some decorations left in the living room from my last Sunlap Party” I explained to Amphi as I guided him out of my room. 

“Hi Nana, Hi Gil” I greeted when entering the room. “Where is Grandpa?”

“Hi Alanik, sweetie, he is out with some friends. And who is this boy? He is human, right?” My grandmother said.

“Yes, he is Arturo, my flightleader”

“I remember him, but wasn't he called Amphasomething?” My brother said, I rolled my eyes.

“Amphis, Amphisbaena. But that is his callsign, we mostly use them when we fly. His name is Arturo”

“Okay, human Ambassador, sorry for not knowing about their culture”

“If you bothered to read my letters you would know. Okay, we are planning on throwing a Sunlap party, do you remember where our decorations are, Nana?”

“Yes, try looking in the left drawer in the kitchen. The small oval ones, not the circles”

“Thanks” I went to the kitchen and started looking for the decorations.

“So, is he a potential mate-pair?” Gilaf said, scaring me.

“Lower your voice, humans get really embarrassed about that stuff. I don't know why. For me he is, but humans kind of have to make it official to be potential mates” 

“They are weird”

“It would be fun if I got a mate before you, you are running out of time”

“Mom and Dad are young yet, and I have a mate”

“Wow, the leaves are going to fall today. Next time I come I want to meet them” I finally found the dried leaves and flowers, and also some made out of paper. 

“You will” 

“Good. Well, I gotta go, may your sapling grow”

“And its flowers bloom to you”

I left the kitchen and saw my grandma and Arturo talking with a cup of tea each.

“This is a wonderful young boy you have here, Alanik”

“Oh, thank you so much Miss Beltain”

“Oh dear, call me Caymin, or Nana if you wish” Great, Arturo was one more cup of tea from being adopted.

“I am glad you two are getting along. I found the decorations” I said.

“That's great, maybe you can go to the higher branches and grab some fresh flowers. We are in season”

“That sounds like a blossoming idea Nana, we will get going then, Arturo?”

“Yes.” He stood up “Thank you so much for the tea, Caymin. I will come visit sometime”

“I know you will” my Nana said

“Well, let's get going. See you before the leaves fall, Nana”

“May the wind make sure of it, Alanik”

Arturo and I left and I started guiding him.

“Be careful, don't walk too close to the edges or you will fall”

“I will try”

“So, how was everything with my grandma?”

“It was pretty good, although it is weird her being your grandma but my moms age. My parents are politicians, I know how to get people to like me. And she is nice” I remembered him telling me about his parents. And he had kind of a way with words. 

“I am glad you think so. Okay, here we are” I turned around only to see him panting. “You aren't used to climbing that much, are you?”

“Not really” he looked around. There were smaller trees, growing from the big branches, all full of flowers of a lot of colors “But it is definitely worth it. Wow, this is just beautiful.”

“It is,” I said, looking at him. I already knew the trees, and his amusement was as beautiful. “Grab some for Spin” I grabbed some purple flowers and he took some blue ones. 

“Alanik, look,” he said, pointing duskward. 

“The sun is setting, you are lucky,” I said, sitting in the branch to see it. “It only happens every seven Detritus days”

“I sure am,” he replied, sitting next to me. He looked… nervous? “Angel, there is something I want to talk about”

I took my eyes out of the sunset and looked at him. I didn't know that many human traditions, or whether that was good or bad. So I just smiled and nodded.

“Sure, what's up?” Talking was important, I wasn’t afraid because he wanted to do it.

“I know we don't really know each other that long. But for the Northern Star’s sake, you kind of rocked my world. You are amazing, you are strong, and brave, and would do anything for your people. And you took the time to learn my callsign, like the long version, no one did that”

“Amphi…”

“Yeah, sorry, I just don't really know how to say it.” he took a deep breath “I like you” 

That expression sounded strange, my pin literally translated it into the same word it is used for liking colors and fruits.

“Yeah, I like all of you, all of the flight, too”

“You probably don't use that expression, scud. I like you in a romantic way, in a maybe-future-mate-pair way” I laughed, he looked embarrassed and I quickly talked.

“Sorry, I am not laughing at you. Well, kind of. But I like you in that way too, Arturo. I was just laughing about the expression” I tried to make it right, smiling at him. He messed with his hair and let out a relieved sigh.

“You are weird, Alanik. In the most amazing way possible. If you would have told me a year ago that I would be asking someone I’ve known for little more than a month this, I wouldn't have believed you. Let alone someone from another planet. But I guess your spontaneity and the way your people are more direct inspired me”

“Ask me what?”

“Right, I am rambling again. I know you guys don't have this, but would you like to be my girlfriend?”

“Is the highest fruit the sweetest?” He looked confused. “Yes, I would love too” 

The sun was almost gone, bathing everything with an orange light. He reached for my hand and we interlocked our fingers.

“Amphi?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?” we always asked before doing it, it was good manners. He nodded.

“Please go ahead”

So I did, I kissed him. I had never kissed anyone, I wasn't really looking for mate-pairs or potential mate-pairs, as I was focused on training. But it did feel as sweet as people described it. When we parted we just stayed there until the sun completely set.

“We should get going” Amphi said, standing up, I did the same.

“Arturo, are we going to tell the others? I know you humans don't always do”

“Yeah but, why wouldn't we? I won't die from Nedd’s mocking. And I kind of admire that about you. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, right?” he didn't sound completely sure, but he did sound determined.

“You said it, flightleader” I grabbed his hand “Nuts, take us home” 

“Home” he trilled and took us there. 

Chapter Text

Kimmalyn’s PoV

We set the food on some blankets on the floor because we didn’t have any tables. Once Alanik and Arturo got back, even closer than usual, we set up the decorations. They were beautiful and the room looked way more colorful. We were doing the final touches when I felt Jorgen in my mind. It startled me, I hadn’t gotten used to my him being able to pop in my mind just yet.

“Is everything ready, Quirk?”

“Just finishing, Jerkface”

“Great, we are already going back”

He left my mind and we finished everything as quickly as we could. It looked amazon, just what Spin deserved. I smiled to myself and stood in the middle of the room, taking everything in, before remembering we were in a hurry. 

“Sentry, you are on light duty. Turn it off and when Spin enters, turn it on” I said.

“Yes ma’am” 

“Walking to the room” I heard in my head, Jorgen.

“Everyone, hide” They did as I said.

Spensa’s PoV

“I will walk you to your room” Jorgen said once we landed, starting to walk.

“But we haven’t eaten yet” I said, kind of confused, but I followed him.

“Oh?” He had closed his mind from me some minutes ago and I didn't want to insist. Even after opening up, we both deserved privacy. “Didn’t Alanik tell you? She told me Quirk and FM needed your help with something. I don’t know why she contacted me instead of you.”

I didn't believe him, but I didn't think anything bad would happen from going to my room. Maybe it was a prank, but I would definitely get my revenge if they did that, and they weren't that dumb. We walked holding hands, and during that whole time I tried to guess why I needed to go to my room. 

And then we got there, and I opened the door.

“Happy Birthday!” All my flight shouted, if I could throw mindblades, I would have done it.

“Scud, you all scared me” I looked around, our room was full of flowers and colors, food on the floor. “It isn't my birthday”

“No, it was a month ago, but I don’t think you celebrated in The Nowhere” Rig said, getting closer to me. I hugged him.

“You…” I said when we parted ways, talking to everyone and walking around. “For the Northern Star’s sake, you really are something. Thank you” I turned around to look at Jorgen “And you are a terrible liar” I stood on my toes and left a kiss on his lips.

I sat down next to the food, the other quickly sat down too. The smile on my face had no intention of disappearing. I wasn't fond of birthdays, but my friends had done that to me. So I could celebrate it. With them. My chest felt warm, and I felt safe. I felt at home. Those people were my family, they cared about me, and they had brought food and decorations only to celebrate that I was born.

“You deserved a proper birthday after everything you went through” Quirk said, I threw an arm around her shoulders.

“Thank you. Really” I looked at the food, about to ask about it, but FM said something first. 

“So, Alanik, Arturo…” I looked at them, they were holding hands. Before FM finished, our flightleader spoke.

“Angel is my girlfriend” 

“Finally!” I said, Amphi’s face turning red.

“Way to go, dude” Nedd said “Did she ask you out?”

“We don't have boyfriends or girlfriends in ReDawn” Alanik said, using the English expressions. “So he needed to ask.”

“Angel, you got yourself a rich kid from the safest and wealthiest section of the planet, congrats” I raised my hand so she could high-five it, we taught her that some time ago. She high-fived me. “You too Rig” I raised my other hand, he also high-fived it, but more reluctantly.

“You are congratulating him? I got a genius engineer who with only 18 could figure out tech from ages ago” FM said

“I got a cytonic alien who is amazing in a ship,” Amphi replied.

Jorgen laughed softly. I held his hand, I could tell he was trying really hard to just relax and have a good time. Act like a teenager, well, young adult.

“Are you really trying to compete? I got Spin” he said. I blushed.

“I mean, yeah, Spin is cool and a hero here. But Angel is a hero on her planet too. And, come on, I am the first human in Detritus to have an alien girlfriend!” Arturo said, Alanik just shook her head. I couldn't help but laugh.

“Well, I was merged with an evolved AI, does that count as an alien?” I said

“Well, the AI was from Earth, so I don't really know if it counts,” Jorgen replied. All the others just looked at me surprised.

“Wait, can we go back to the part where you merged with an AI?” Rig said

“Oh, I thought I had told you. I became friends with a delver, Chet, the one I convinced not to attack Detritus nor Starsight.”

“Yeah, I think you mentioned that,” Quirk said slowly. Sentry, T-Stall and Catnip were completely clueless.

“Well, the other delvers attacked him, but he could like survive and merged with me so he didn't lose his individuality”

“Okay” Rig said.

“I think Spin, well, Jerkface wins” Alanik said, changing the subject, the others nodded.

“Alright, any other news?” Quirk said.

“I am no longer Admiral, Cobb is back” Jorgen replied. “And he ordered Spensa and I to go on leave”

“That’s great,” FM said. “You need it”

“You do. If that's it, we got another surprise” Corbin said, he seemed impatient.

“Another one?” I asked.

“Right” FM said and stood up. She got near a kind of metal box, a speaker I guessed, but it was on the floor, not on a wall or ship. I don't know what she did, but noise came out of it. Good noise.

“Wow, what's… what's that?” I asked, standing up and getting closer to the speaker.

“Music from Earth” FM answered, smiling “My dad gave me this transmitter, it was his”

It was strange, a lot of instruments, more than I even thought existed. People singing too.

“Why didn't you show it to us before?”

“It is very special to me, so I didn't know if it was for the best. But you are family, you are meant to share nice things with family”

“And because it doesn't sound that loud from the transmitter. Rig and I made this speaker,” Catnip explained. 

I smiled at them and looked at the others, all of them were enjoying the music too. I laid against the wall and closed my eyes so I could just listen. I enjoyed the music for a bit, but eventually the hunger won and I sat back with the others.

“So… this food…” I started saying, I think I took FM out of her thoughts, because she opened her eyes and got closer to us too.

“Food from Evershore, Kauri helped us. She also gave us that,” she said, pointing to a bottle. “Is a drink that humans used to enjoy a lot, something about some fermented fruits and seed”

“Alcohol then” Alanik said

“Like the one for wounds?” Sentry asked

“Kind of, but less strong, and with a bit of a better taste. It is not the most delicious thing, but I like it. It messes up your senses, so kids shouldn’t drink it, but I think you are all old enough for Urdail standards. I don’t know humans, but you are gonna be fine” Angel said while pouring the alcohol on glasses and handing them out. “In ReDawn we drink it with games. There is one that, rumor has it, was invented by humans. I don't really think so, but it is fun. Do you wanna try it?”

Around me the others were looking at their glasses and even sniffing the alcohol. It did have a strong smell.

“Let's do it,” I said, shrugging.

“Okay, someone needs to say something they never did, and if someone did it, they need to drink.”

“Got it” Sentry said, eyes still in her glass

“Can I start?” Rig asked, surprising me. It was nice seeing him more confident with the flight. We nodded. “I never threw hands at somebody”

I took a sip from my glass, it tasted weird, and strong, but it wasn't that bad. I looked around, Corbin, Alanik and Arturo drank too, the last one making a disgusted face. Jorgen was about to drink but Amphi grabbed his wrist.

“Spensa's doesn't count. She threw hands at you, you just layed down and simped”
“I didn’t…” Jorgen said, but after a glare from FM, Ned and Arturo he stopped himself. “Okay, yeah, I did simp for her a little bit”

“Wait, you fought with Jorgen?” Sentry asked

“You shouldn't be that surprised” I said laughing and grabbed Jorgen’s hand “We didn't fight. I threw him to the floor. In my defense, he was being a jerk.”

“I was, that one was my own fault,” Jerkface said.

“Only that one. Anyways, Amphi, I didn't know you could fight”

“I can't, it hurts. But the other one couldn’t either” he replied.

“He did good. He hit an impostor who had replaced a politician on my planet. Amphisbaena hit him and stopped him” Alanik explained

“And that was when you fell for him?” Quirk said.

“Oh, yeah, I guess it was”

“Okay, I guess it's my turn” Ned said “I never felt attraction or liked someone of my same gender”

FM, Quirk, T-Stall, Angel and I drank almost immediately. I didn't get to see all their reactions, as I saw Catnip, Sentry and Rig also drinking, but trying to be a little more subtle about it.

“Wow, that's a lot of you,” Nedder said. I shrugged.

“Have you seen FM in her pilot suit?” I said, then I looked at Jorgen “I like you and I don't want anyone else” I looked back at FM “but damn girl”

FM, Angel and Quirk laughed.

“Thanks Spin. And gender is a social construct anyway” FM said. I couldn't say I disagreed, I was merged with something that didn't have a gender, so…

“I will go and ask what Nedder was too coward to. I never kissed someone of my same gender” 

We continued the game for some time. It wasn't that long till I could feel a little bit of numbness on my head. Probably the alcohol making its effect. The rest of the party went that way, music, food, games and talking. We finally decided it was getting late and we couldn't have a sleepover because we were more people (and Taynix) than the last time. So we picked everything up and the guys said goodbye, Ned mockingly congratulating Arturo when he kissed Alanik.

I was going to change into my pajamas, but something was still in my mind. I thought about just ignoring it, it had been an awesome night after all, I couldn't complain. But after opening that way with Jorgen, I knew it was easier if I talked. 

I took a deep breath and contacted him.

“Hey” 

  “Hi Starshine, did you have a good evening?”

“The best, thanks, but you owe me a date” I didn't need to say much more, I knew he could feel everything else.

“You know I wanted to spend time with you, it wasn’t only to keep you away from your room”
“I know it, but…”
“But rational and emotional are different things, get it. Well, I am not complaining about another date with you, so sure, during our leave I will take you somewhere nice. And I promise to try and not get caught up in work anymore and give you the attention you need. Sounds good?”
“You scudding… sounds perfect. Sleep tight” He laughed

“You too, Spin. Happy birthday”.

That night, I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

Chapter Text

I landed on platform prime but didn’t get out of my ship, Doomslug was cradled in my arms, sleeping. All the adrenaline that had kept me going for the last few hours, probably days, had gone down and I felt exhausted. 

I stayed seated for some minutes, until I felt a hyperjump. I looked around in the nowhere, seeing fewer eyes than normal. And even those that were there, some looked at me… fondly. Like a friend. That was a really nice change, but I knew it hurt some of the delvers everytime we went through, so I made a mental note to try and find a solution to that. Once we reached Detritus I finally got out of my ship. I looked through the windows, happy to be back.

"Spin" Kimmalyn called me, I didn't want to talk, but I turned around all the same

"Quirk, I-" she didn't let me finish, she just hugged me. And scud, I really needed that. But a bad movement reminded me that I had been shot. A jolt of pain came from my arm and made me step backwards.

“Sorry, I wanted the hug, but my arm…” 

“Oh my saint Spin, you should go to the infirmary” 

“I know, but now I really want that hug” I said, slowly hugging her again, being careful with my arm “I'll be fine" I said, not only talking about the wound. 

"I know, all of us will. But the time that heals hasn't pass yet, so it's okay for us not to be fine just yet"

"Is that what the Saint says?" I reply, actually smiling a bit.

"That's what I say"

"Even better" FM said as she walked towards us and joined the hug, one by one the rest of the flight did the same. Sadie, Ned, Trey, Corbin, Arturo, even Alanik. I heard the resonants close enough, the vibrations almost felt part of the hug. 

“Be careful with Spensa guys, she is hurt!” Quirk said, but they were all already being quite gentle, so I was fine. 

We were alive, against all odds, we had survived. And we were finally free. I felt tears running down my face.

"Is there room for two more?" I heard Jorgen’s voice. 

I broke from the knot of humans, aliens and slugs and looked at the entrance of the hangar, where Rig and Jorgen were standing. Jorgen… I was actually surprised to see him there, being the admiral and all I supposed he would be debriefing or having a meeting. 

"Spin! You scudding..." Rig started, walking towards me 

"Wow, I finally made you curse me, Rigmarole" I said, a smug smile that clashed with my teary eyes. He hugged me and I made a wince of pain. “Be careful, wounded here”

"Sorry” He said pulling away, but he stayed close “You did it, you saved us and survived" he whispered

"We all did it" 

He smiled at me and went running to FM to kiss her. If I hadn’t been so tired I would have made a snarky comment about how he hugged me first. But I had also been taken prisoner so maybe it was fair. Jerkface was still there, in the entrance. I wanted to run to him so badly, but I remembered the hurt in his face and voice during our last conversation. And how I had disappeared. He had already told me he knew I didn’t disappear, but the guilt was still there.

I walked towards my boyfriend, head up.

"Jorgen, sir, I-" I didn’t know why I had just called him sir, maybe as a way of showing him respect. Something unusual in me, but something he truly deserved

He opened his arms and I laid my head against his chest. He hugged me, being careful with my arm. The third hug in a day, a record. Though this hug was different, he held me gently, but like he was holding on to his dear life. I held him in the same way. And I finally felt safe, there, in his arms. 

'I know' he told me via cytonics and I just broke. I started crying in his arms

'I am sorry, I didn't want to leave, I wanted to keep my promise. To stay with you .'

'I know, Starshine, I trust you ' I needed to feel that, and I knew he knew it. 

He let me stay there for a few seconds before speaking out loud.

“Now, you should go to the medical bay” I grunted but I knew he was right “Come on, I will go with you” He said, pulling away from the hug, but holding my healthy hand.

I quickly dried my tears and turned around to look at the others

“Goodnight guys” my flight wished me a goodnight too, as I left with Jorgen.

We walked in a comfortable silence, my head too tired to think about the implications of the war being won. We reached the medical bay and everyone in it saluted. But I had the feeling the salute wasn’t only for the admiral.

“Admiral Weight, Commodore Nightshade, congratulations on the battle” the secretary greeted us

“Congratulations to all of you too, and thank you for all your work” Jorgen answered, getting into his Admiral role once more, but he didn’t let go of my hand.

“It’s a pleasure. What brings you here?”

“I was shot at and the bullet grazed my arm. It kind of hurts like hell” I answered before he could

“Alright, I will call a doctor right away” the secretary said and went into the hall.

“Wait, you were shot?” Jorgen said looking at me, the worry visible on his face

“Yeah, it isn’t a nice experience being taken captive” I half smiled, but I didn’t really want to remember my time there. It wasn’t a nice feeling and I could feel how my mind was trying to stay calm. At least I didn’t have a delver who would disappear stuff each time I had anxiety.

“And you will tell me about it, but not today” my boyfriend said, leaving a kiss in my forehead “Today you are safe and you need to rest”

It didn't take long before I was sitting in a stretcher with a doctor attending me.

“Alright, I will need you to take off your pilot jacket and your dress shirt so I can properly disinfect the wound,” She said.

I looked at Jorgen, who was still standing next to the door.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m leaving. I’ll go get both of us some food, I don’t suppose they feed you well as a prisoner” He tried to hide his embarrassment with a joke, but I could see that he was blushing. My cheeks were probably red too, the thought of him seeing me without a shirt wasn’t that bad. But it sure wasn’t the moment.

“No they didn’t, but don’t you need to do a debriefing or something?” I replied, taking off my jacket as to not make the doctor waste time

“We won, we can wait till afternoon tomorrow” he said and left the clinic.

I took my dress shirt and the doctor cleaned, disinfected and bandaged the wound. Afterwards she made me do some tests to make sure I was okay after days without proper food.

“Alright, you won’t need to stay here, but you do need to eat and rest. Luckily your wound doesn’t seem to be infected, but just to be sure you will need to take one of these antibiotics per day, understood?” She gave me a little box with some tablets.

“Yes sir”

“Great, you are dismissed”

“Thank you sir” I put on my dress shirt and my pilot jacket before leaving.

Outside I found Jorgen waiting for me, with a tray holding two plates with algae soup, bread, some vegetables and custard. 

“Wow, I must be really important if the admiral is bringing me food,” I joked and smiled at him.

“And only now you realize? Come on, let’s go before this gets cold,” he started walking and I followed him. “I thought we could eat in my dorm so we can go to sleep” I looked at him, raising my eyebrow “Yes, you are sleeping with me, any problem, pilot?”

I laughed and shook my head.

“None sir”

We finally reached his room and entered. He left the food on the table and we sat down next to each other to eat. Quite close, like that date we had not so long ago. Once I sat down I realized just how tired I was. Even eating seemed like a difficult task. I yawned and laid my head on Jorgen’s shoulder.

"You need to eat something, Spin" 

"I am just tired, Jerkface"

"I know, I am too. Eat something and then we will go to sleep, please?"

I nodded and sat right up to start eating, Jorgen laid one of his hands on my knee. I smiled softly and felt my cheeks heating up a bit. I ate approximately half of my food before looking at Jorgen, pleading. I didn't like feeling this exhausted and depending on someone else, but I guessed it was only natural after my last few days.

“Are you really asking for permission? Go to bed, Spin” he kissed my cheek.

‘I am exhausted, don’t get too used to it’ I didn’t have the strength to actually talk, and cytonics just felt so much easier. 

I stood up and went to the bed, where I sat down. I watched Jorgen as he finished his food before standing up. 

‘You seemed more okay with physical affection today than normal’ I wasn’t complaining, but it was kind of strange.

‘I need you close,’ he sat down next to me, holding my hand.

I kissed him, because scud, I had missed him. I had felt so alone, so vulnerable. But I wasn’t anymore, I was home again, and that time, home truly meant safety. He kissed me back, of course he did, cupping my face gently with his hand. A proper kiss, like the one we shared during our date right there. 

I laid down on the bed, a bit curled up and facing him. He laid down next to me, holding me close to him. It was a bit awkward, but I couldn’t care less, it just felt so right and so… safe. I felt his mind close to mine, vibrating, trying to lend me a bit of his calm. I quickly fall asleep. The next morning I woke up and, surprisingly, Jorgen was still asleep. I got worried, it wasn't like Jorgen to miss a meeting for not waking up. I looked at my lightlance: 6:30, it wasn't even that early, he should've been awake by then. I was about to wake him up when I realized: we weren't at war. Probably the high ranks agreed to taking a morning off while the delvers found the other slugs, before getting into all the political stuff. 

We were at peace. We could just live our lives. I should have been happy, I wanted this, after Starsight, after the Nowhere. I wanted to have a life where I didn't have to worry if I would live until the next day. But something didn't feel right. I had convinced myself I didn't deserve the peace. Scud, I had even thought I wouldn't get to live it, that I would die in the final battle. Because I was a weapon, wasn't I? Weapons aren't useful once the war is over. 

My thoughts started spiraling, my mind trying to get out, but without Chet, objects didn’t disappear. Though, my mind did start vibrating a bit, trying to release the anxiety I was giving myself. I sat down and hugged my knees, closing my eyes. I felt as the world around me disappeared, I couldn’t feel the bed underneath me anymore, I could barely feel my own body. My ears started ringing. My mind was trying to somehow escape into the nowhere.

‘Spin, listen to me. It’s okay’ I felt a mind around me, almost in an embrace. I leaned into that feeling ‘ There you go. Come here’ It was Jorgen, I could slowly feel how he was hugging me in the somewhere too ‘ You are safe. We are safe now’

My mind tried to hide once more, but I wanted to continue feeling Jorgen’s presence.

‘ I know we are safe. The war is over. What am I supposed to do now? Weapons aren't useful once the war is over.’ I wasn’t exactly trying to talk to Jorgen, I was kind of projecting my feelings and he was close. ‘Sorry, don’t want to throw these feelings at you. They are… too much’ I tried to close my mind, but Jorgen’s mind stayed next to me, nudging me softly.

‘It’s alright, Spin. I can handle it. I am here for you. You aren’t a weapon. You are my girlfriend, my best friend. Weapons don’t have friends, and you have lots of them, even when you tried not to’ His tone was calm, soothing. I felt my mind calming down. ‘You don’t have to be useful, you already did so much. But I know you will find something to do, some way of helping our people all the same, because that’s who you are. We were all born in war. I don’t know either what life at peace has in store for me, for us. But I think we can thrive. And I know we will figure it out, together’ He continued talking. I finally opened my eyes and leaned against his chest. ‘Maybe we can do as you said and live together, it actually sounds nice’

‘I love you’, o f course those weren’t words, cytonic communications didn’t work that way. I was just sending what I felt. But put into words… I loved him. 

I looked at him, he looked down to meet my gaze. He was blushing intensely.

“You do?” He said, carefully, as if he was speaking to a caged animal.

“Yeah, I do” it surprised me how sure I sounded, how sure I felt. “And if I love you, might as well say it, right?” I kissed his cheek “Sorry if it is too early, you know I have no idea about this stuff, it just felt right to say it” I shrugged, trying not to feel bad for saying it.

“For the northern star’s sake, I love you too Spin, so much” He hugged me against his chest “And I am glad you are safe and I can just be with my girlfriend without worrying if she will come alive from a battle”

I smiled and pulled away just enough to grab his shirt and pull him into a kiss. Maybe I could get used to that.