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topher hadn’t been to school in over a week, he didn’t have the energy to. his head felt like static, the lights made his eyes hurt, he couldn’t focus on anything without spacing out. he felt gone, distant, like he was just outside of his body puppeteering his own limbs.
his foster mom had checked up on him perpetually throughout each day, asking him if he wanted cookies or company. each and every time he denied her, annoyance obvious in his voice. half of him wanted to give in, take the cookies and let her into his room, let her pet his head and tell him it was all gonna be okay. the impulse, the want, need, for maternal love made him ache, but he’d made that mistake before and all it’d done was hurt him. the extent of that hurt made his skin crawl, his mother loved him and he knew it, just in the wrong way.
he sat in silence, staring at his ceiling, scrolling online when his own head got to loud. he’d get up to take his meds and eat at night, sleeping mostly during the day. he felt pathetic, he knew sulking in his own sadness alone did nothing, all it did was made him weak it felt. he didn’t have the motivation for anything else though, it felt as if all bit of life in his body was drained from him, leaving him with bag of bones. he felt so weak, everything was to much.
abe was worried about him, he knew even worried was an understatement. he texted him every day, asking him if he needed anything, if he could come over, topher either didn’t respond or said he was fine. he told abe he just had a cold, a cold and nothing more, he wished that was the case. he’d pick a cold over this any day.
he hated the way he felt each time abe texted him, he hated the way he missed the taller. he liked abe, more than a boy should like his best friend, it made him feel sick about himself. he shouldn’t like another guy that way, men being together romantically was fine, but he wasn’t into guys, he shouldn’t be at least.
he wanted abe to be here with him, to be cuddling him, holding him, telling him everything was going to be okay. he craved the physical touch, the praise and reassurance. he can’t remember the last time he’d been hugged willingly. the daydreams would come up sometimes, no matter how hard he shoved them down, they always bubbled back up. he’d squish them like an ugly bug, tell himself they were pointless to think about, all they’d do was get his hopes up for nothing so why get himself hopeful? they hurt though, they always did. it reminded him that abe wasn’t for him, he doubted abe was even into guys, if he was why would he want topher? he felt a knot start to form in his throat, he swallowed it, pushing the thoughts to the back of his head again. they hurt to bad, all they did was make things worse.
topher wasn’t sure what time it was. his room was dark, blankets covering the windows of his attic to sift out the light. facing his wall though, buried under a pile of blankets, he couldn’t tell if there was any light filtering through them at all right now. not that it mattered, he couldn’t care if it was day or night. the only time he’d gotten up in the past 7 days was for the bathroom, or the kitchen very late for a few minutes to restock up on water, snacks, and to (unwillingly) take his meds. he hated taking his meds, he couldn’t remember when they even actually worked, he hated that he even had to be on them in the first place.
topher jumped a bit, knocking at his door completely snapping out of his thoughts. he groaned, burying himself in his blankets more. annoyance replacing anything he was feeling before, he wanted to be left completely alone, what about that’s so hard to understand?
“go away caitlyn i don’t want anything!” topher yelled through his bedroom door, voice hoarse from how little he’d talked in the past few days.
“it’s me toph! can i come in?” topher was surprised to hear it was abe, his eyes went wide, the others voice shocking him. he didn’t know why he was surprised, abe would show up sooner or later. topher didn’t understand why abe cared about him but nonetheless, he did. abe couldn’t be here though, he couldn’t see the other like this. topher squeezed his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose, desperate to get the taller to leave. he didn’t want to drag abe down with him, he didn’t want to make him miserable and sad like he was. he didn’t need abe’s worry or pity, he was fine by himself. topher pushed back the crave for touch that kept sneaking up on him, like he was a starving dog smelling meat, it made him feel weak so he pushed it deeper and deeper.
topher faked a cough, cringing at how fake the cough actually sounded. “no i’m still contagious, you don’t want to get sick do you?” topher yelled back, voice still a bit hoarse which was now coming in his favor, he supposed. he hoped abe would buy it, he usually did, never going deeper after a question had been answered, topher was thankful for that right now.
“i don’t mind! i don’t get sick easy as long as you don’t throw up on me i’ll be fine!” abe chuckled at himself after saying the last part, topher hated the way it all made his face hot. he hated that abe had to worry about him, he hated how charming the other was, he hated the way it all made him feel. he let out a quite frustrated sigh, trying to think of something to say to keep him out. even with how badly he wanted the other here, he still couldn’t let him in, it’d be bad for them both. topher wished so so badly it wouldn’t be, he wished abe was for him, he wished he wouldn’t inevitably fuck abe up just by close contact, but sadly that was the case, he wished he could do something about it.
“i have been throwing up!” topher yelled back, desperate to get the other to leave, despite how badly he craved his friends presence. “i don’t want to throw up on you, just come back in a few days, it should be gone by then” topher trailed off, hoping that’d scare the taller off, knowing he had a pretty bad tolerance when it came to that kinda stuff.
abe sighed, topher not being able to hear it, desperate for topher to let him in. something about this all felt off, he wasn’t sure what, but it just felt out of character for the other. abe wasn’t ever good at sniffing out lies, never ever. he did know topher well though, and he knew topher wasn’t the kinda guy to borderline ghost abe just because he ‘had a cold’. topher wasn’t social, he knew that very well, so when it came to abe, topher could be very clingy. he’d never admit it, abe was pretty sure he’d rather die than admit to his clinginess, but to abe it was obvious. the way he’d follow him around everywhere, the way he’d always offer sleepovers at his house, the way he’d stick to the taller when they were put in an unfamiliar social situation, it was completely obvious, and it was even more obvious that if topher was avoiding him, something was very wrong.
abe thought about a response for a minute longer, knowing if he said the wrong thing it’d set the smaller off. he scratched his neck, coming up with a reply. he thought of one, satisfied with his answer, continuing the conversation.
“well we can just talk through the door if you’d like! i wouldn’t mind!” abe smiled, knowing topher had no way of making an excuse now.
topher was beyond annoyed, couldn’t abe just take no for an answer? why did he have to be so so persistent? topher sitting up now, attempting to rub a headache away on his forehead. he was sweaty, groggy, and very fatigued, the last thing he wanted was to be sitting here yelling back and fourth with abe. he frustratedly sighed, trying not to sound to annoyed or angry, trying to keep up his act of being sick. “really abe, you should just wait a few days, i’ll be fine by then im sure”
abe was silent again for a moment “if you’re worried about me getting sick really don’t be! dude i’m more worried about the fact that you’ve been consistently so sick for a week that you can’t even reply to my texts” abe trailed off, being completely honest with the other, an undertone of worry in his voice.
topher rested his head on his knees, trying to think of a rebuttal, but ultimately deciding he’d just let the taller in. he’d just tell him to stay at a distant than go after a few minutes, he was to tired to continue yelling at him through his bedroom door, so he just gave in.
“fine, just for a few minutes though” topher half yelled half grumbled out, curling up into his blankets and once again cacooning himself in the corner of his bed. preparing himself for the others presence, his stomach felt like there was a sworm of wasps in it. it was doing backflips in the bad way, making him uneasy and on edge. he hadn’t seen the other in a week, and with the way things had been, the last minute human contact was making him inherently stressed, even if it was his best friend.
abe sighed in relief, thankful the other gave in. he opened tophers door, carefully to not startle the other. he peeked his head in first, eyes taking a minute to adjust to the darkness. he let himself in, closing the door again carefully on his way out. he was also a bit nervous, anticipated to see the other. he’d been thinking about him this whole week, how could he not be at least a little bit nervous?
abe took in the smallers room, noticing it was messy, messier than usual at that. clothes littered the floor, empty chip bags and plastic water bottles along with them. the room smelled stuffy, the air felt thick. abe couldn’t tell if it was just him from the tension radiating off the other, or if it was just the fact that topher was sick and probably hadn’t had much airflow in his room for a week. a few empty bowls sat on tophers dresser, along with a empty box of cheez-its. abe then looked over to tophers bed, it was messy which also wasn’t out of the usual for the smaller. abe found topher cacooned in his bed, laying in the corner facing the wall, the blankets surrounding him softly rising and falling with his breath.
“hey buddy…” abe stood in the middle of tophers room awkwardly, not quite being sure what to do. topher looked over his shoulder, looking the taller up and down, grumbling and facing his head towards the wall again. abe remained standing, not sitting on the bed like he usually would to avoid setting topher off. with the little amount of light in the room, he couldn’t really decipher tophers face a lot, but he did notice that his eye bags were worse than usual.
“you can sit down at my desk if you’d like, i advise you don’t sit on my bed though, like i said i am still contagious.” abe just made out tophers words. they were quite and forced out, his voice sounding somewhat scratchy, most definitely tired though, a different kind of monotone than how he usually spoke. it made abe feel somewhat off again, reminding him that this whole situation didn’t seem like topher had a cold. if you were to ask, abe wouldn’t be able to completely decipher what made him feel off about everything. tophers emotions and mental state were always confusing to abe. at this point though, he was able to somewhat tell through gut feelings, that and just picking up on his behaviors and patterns. at the moment though, his gut was telling him that something was definitely wrong.
abe sat at his desk though, making himself comfortable in tophers desk chair, tension causing the air to feel thick. if tophers room was just stuffy and not the tension in the first place, it was most definitely both now. abe’s stomach formed knots, anxiety creeping up on him, causing him to begin tapping his foot uncontrollably.
it stayed uncomfortably silent between the two for what felt like ages, abe not being sure what to say, and topher lacking the energy to talk. it was never like this between them, not anymore at least, when they first met it was tense sometimes. over time though, as topher got more comfortable around him, he always got talkative with abe. going on random rants about stuff abe had no clue about. it was comforting, abe usually never had to worry about things getting uncomfortable between them. right now though, with everything, it just felt off, just overall uncomfortable and tense. abe hated it, topher didn’t have it in him to even care.
“sooo, how’s being sick been?” topher remembered the charade he was supposed to be putting up, his brain being to foggy to really remember much of anything at the moment. he hated the way abe’s awkwardness was so endearing though, he hated the way it made his stomach flutter. topher already felt a bit settled with the taller just being here, in the same room as him. he hated that to, stupid abe and his overall comforting aura. stupid abe and the way he was making tophers day just a little bit brighter by merely sitting in the same room as him, a lighthouse in a drastic storm.
he was silent for a minute, trying to get more comfortable, curling up into a ball more. he sighed “not fun” he muttered out, reminding himself abe wasn’t supposed to be here for long, reminding himself abe being here would just be bad for him. all topher would do is drag abe down with him, he couldn’t do that. abe needed to leave soon, even if the thought of it made topher ache, even if the thought made topher want to run up to abe and ask him to never leave again, he couldn’t be here much longer.
“yea i mean, makes sense, especially if you said you’ve been throwing up! you’re braver than i am, with isolating for a week just to keep others safe, i could never do that.” abe didn’t believe the only problem here was topher being sick, but he didn’t have any solid reason to believe he wasn’t sick either. topher could hear abe’s signature, dopey smile on his lips, it was more comforting than abe just being here. the familiarity of it all, it was easing the swarm of wasps in his stomach. he was thankful for the way things somewhat felt natural.
topher shook his head, snapping himself out of the company he’d been soaking up, like a plant in a drought. he took a deep breath, reminding himself he was tasting something he couldn’t have, trying to grab something just out of his reach. abe and him could stay friends, but when his brain was in a foggy state like this, he couldn’t keep the wall up completely. he knew he’d get carried away, greedy with the other if he stayed any longer. he didn’t need his hopes getting up in this state, just for them to drop, the second abe inevitably went on a ‘joan is so hot and sweet and cool’ rant like he usually did around the smaller.
“you should go” topher attempted to sound stern, but it just came out desperate. he sighed, annoyed at himself, he shouldn’t have let in abe in the first place, this had gone to far for right now, even if all abe’s done was sat at tophers desk in mostly silence, it was still to far.
“what why? it’s only evening time, i have nothing else to do, it’s saturday.” abe was confused, tensing up a bit, anxiety returning. he hadn’t figured out what was wrong yet, he couldn’t leave now. topher had just let him in, literally and figuratively, he couldn’t leave yet.
his tone made the others stomach drop, it made his heart ache. he didn’t say anything, collecting his thoughts, frustration at the whole situation the both were in being the only thing fueling him at the moment. he wanted to collapse onto abe, wanted to ask him to come lay in his bed with him, ask him to stay for a sleepover, doing that though would fuck up him and abe more.
“topher… i know there’s something wrong, other than you being sick. you’ve been acting off all week, i’m here for you if you need man-“
his words were cut off “abe just go, please, i’m fine, i’ll text you when i’m done being sick” topher sounded desperate, frustrated, reminding abe he had to walk on eggshells a bit here. he was talking to a ticking time bomb, he knew how topher could be, the last thing they both needed was topher getting worked up enough that he’d start yelling. abe’s job was to fix the wires before the bomb exploded. worst thing is though, abe wasn’t ever good at emotional stuff. the only thing he could do here, was trust in the fact that he knew topher enough by now, to understand him emotionally to a certain extent. so that’s what he was doing like his life depended on it. the amount of confidence he always had for everything was coming in handy.
abe stood up, taking a step closer to tophers bed. he sighed, though his blind confidence was helpful, no amount of blind confidence could make this completely easy. abe was shaking the tiniest bit, he felt like he was walking a tightrope, unsteady, unsure, stressed and a bit scared.
“toph, i’m here to help, i want to help” topher swallowed a knot in his throat, focusing on his breathing rather than any emotion he was feeling, forcing the thought of letting the other stay to the back of his head. letting abe stay was completely off the table, he needed to leave now.
“leave, just go, if something was wrong i’d tell you” his voice was now more stressed than anything, desperation and stress. no hint of anger, which abe took as a good sign. he thought about tophers words for a second, he was awful with telling when people were lying, but he could see that lie specifically from a mile away. topher was secretive with his emotions and mental state. it took him a very long time to get to be able to be vulnerable with abe, and even then it was rare. if something was really really wrong, the last thing topher would do is put it out in the open for the other.
abe took another step towards tophers bed, treading carefully, like he was trying to trap a feral cat. he thought for a moment, stress creeping up on both of them more and more, along with desperation. abe thought for a moment, deciding on something to say.
“just give me 5 more minutes, just 5, i haven’t seen you in a week i’ve missed you.” abe decided to draw the attention to himself, worrying that if he continued putting it all on topher itd stress the smaller out to much.
topher thought about it for a minute, somewhat annoyed abe wasn’t just giving up and leaving. he knew abe should leave, but he really wasn’t budging. topher let out an annoyed sigh “fine, 5 more” he excused the way he gave in so quick, the reason being that abe was really desperate to stay apparently.
abe mentally patted himself on the back, noting that he had 5 minutes to get what was wrong out of the other, or to leave. abe knew topher shouldn’t be alone right now, that much was easy to tell. this was his last chance, he couldn’t waste this time.
“really though toph if there’s anything that’s been bothering you…” abe trailed off, hoping topher would get his hint.
topher rubbed his hands up and down his face. he was even more annoyed now, why wouldn’t abe just drop the subject of tophers emotional status? was topher fine? no, but at the moment, that wasn’t abe’s business at all. he sighed, getting more frustrated again.
“i’m fine” abe took that as a hint to take it down a bit, he still needed to be very careful here. he stood a few feet away from tophers bed, awkward and nervous, things had returned to the way they were when abe had just got here. tophers walls were back up, the tension completely returning, they were back to square one.
abe sighed, trying to think of small talk or something, anything that could get the other a bit more comfortable again quickly.
topher thought for a minute, softening, remembering something abe said just a minute ago. topher turned his head over his shoulder, poking it out of his nest of blankets. “have you really missed me?” his voice came out small, nervous and unsure, like a little kid looking for reassurance.
abe perked up completely, this was a great start. he nodded “of course! you’re my best friend, it gets boring without you popping out of your locker at random!” abe chuckled softly, thankful the conversation was going somewhere, on tophers terms at that to.
topher turned his head back around, hiding the smile creeping up on his lips, a bit of soft blush showing up on his face. he hated how easily the other could make him feel soft, how effortlessly he would feel fuzzy just from abe’s words of kindness.
tophers head was still staticky, the thoughts of abe being closer getting louder and louder by the second though. topher was to tired to fight back, they only had a few minutes, abe was already to close, did it really matter anymore?
“you can sit on my bed, if you’d like” abe perked up more, like an excited puppy being offered a bone. he walked over to tophers bed quickly, plopping down at the bottom, having plenty of space with how little space topher took up.
topher soaked up the company once again, feeling a bit better just from the closeness. he didn’t have the energy to push it back anymore, he let it wash over him, let it enclose him in warmth, even though he craved more.
they sat in now comfortable silence, the room darker then when abe got here, as the day got closer to night, the blankets slowly having no more light to filter out. abe was taking it slow, not wanting to set off topher again, hoping he’d be able to stay past the five minutes even though his time was probably already almost up.
abe patted his hands on his knees, fidgeting, happy to be here with topher even if he wasn’t his usual self. abe was determined to stay, determined to get him back there. abe would do a lot to make topher happy, he’d do alot to make the other comfortable, much more than he’d do to make others feel the same way, much much more.
tophers body felt tired, his mind alike. he still felt fatigued, still groggy, still like a mess. he wished he could be better. he envied abe’s mental health, envied his dog-like demeanor and personality. abe was always so stress free, so confident, very rarely angry, topher would kill to be like that.
topher sat up, surprising abe a bit. he rubbed his tired eyes, holding his knees up to his chin, his hair messy and tangled, knotted in a few spots. even from this, topher wanted to let himself fall back down onto his bed, his bones ached deeply. he was getting uncomfortable laying down though, even if he didn’t have the energy to sit up.
it was dark in tophers room by now, abe’s eyes had adjusted though, being able to make out tophers face. he looked worse for wear, making abe’s worry return more. his eyebags were heavier, eyes looking sunken in and empty, his face paler than usual, greasy hair falling in front of his face as well. he looked tired, drained, like he wasn’t all there, like he was done with the world as a whole. it made abe worry even more so now. he looked exhausted, not sick though.
the two looked at eachother for a minute, topher being to tired to care about the 5 minutes, abe not wanting to bring it up incase topher changed his mind. they took in eachothers presence, each of them thankful for it, abe realizing how much he’d really missed topher.
an idea came into abe’s head, he knew if he were to ask, topher would say no completely. he knew it could go bad, but he just needed to know. the impulse crept up on him, even though he was already pretty sure he knew the answer, it still gnawed on him, poked at his brain annoyingly.
topher was resting his head on his knees, his eyes closed, calmed by the other, relaxed and spacing out. he jumped a bit though, surprised to feel abe’s room temperature hand on his forehead. he was a bit annoyed, not sure what to do. his eyes went a bit wide though, realizing abe would see through his lie, anxiety completely replacing any annoyance.
“you aren’t sick, are you toph?” abe took his hand off slowly. worry and stress washed over him completely now, settling in his stomach, causing it to go back to the way it felt earlier. like it was being tied in knots from anxiety, doing backflips in the worst kind of way, he hated it.
topher avoided eye contact, knowing he had no way out of this. abe got more worried at his lack of response. he noticed the guilt on tophers face, he’d been caught in his own lie, huddling into himself a bit like a guilty puppy, who got in trouble for chewing something up.
abe wasn’t mad at all, just very concerned for the smaller boy. he knew how topher was, he knew his tendency of isolating, he felt stupid for not realizing what was going on sooner.
topher shook his head, hiding his face in his arms more. abe scooted closer to him, wanting to envelop him in a hug, still not wanting to stress him out more though.
“i think you should leave now…” topher trailed off, his voice sounding small, worried and unsure.
abe wasn’t shocked at tophers response, he stood his ground though, completely confident in the fact that topher shouldn’t be left alone right now. “i’m not going anywhere, i’m not letting you isolate yourself like this more, it’s not good for you”
that set topher off a bit, frustration coming back up to the surface. angry that abe thought he knew what was best for him, his stubbornness coming into play.
topher curled himself in his blankets again, flopping back down onto his bed, this time facing his room instead of the wall. “i’m fine, i’ll be fucking fine just leave, i don’t need you” he spat out, venom in his voice, uncontrollable anger coming up. it still didn’t surprise abe, he felt bad for setting him off, but he couldn’t leave topher alone. he was used to this by now anyway, topher was prone to mood swings like this, prone to lashing out unexpectedly, it stopped phasing abe a few months into there friendship.
he sighed, thinking of what to say, still trying to tread carefully a bit, even if topher was already angry. he remained sitting on his bed, topher hadn’t pushed him off yet, that alone was a good sign.
“please toph, just let me help you-“ abe’s voice came out full of worry, genuinely wanting to help the other, it oddly made topher more mad though.
he felt a knot form in his throat again, he swallowed it, breathing in and out to stop himself from crying.
“just leave, don’t act like you care! you’re just here out of pity we both know that!” tophers brain was completely static at this point, he wasn’t thinking before he was speaking, he was just getting his hurt from the past week out. it bubbled up, spilling over, coming out in harsh words. he worried about this in the first place, about dragging abe down with him, his bad emotions consuming the other like a black hole, it was to late now though, he was in to far to stop himself.
abe got more worried, running his hands through his hair, something he often did when he was stressed. he wasn’t hurt by the others words, he’d learned to not take them personally when the other would lash out uncontrollably like this. he discarded them, letting them go one ear out the other.
“i do care though, if i didn’t i wouldn’t be here, i’m not the kinda guy to fake that. it’s not pity, topher you’re my best friend, i mean it when i say that”
there was a moment of silence, topher heard his words, taking them in. he sighed, angry and frustrated still, mad at how genuine and honest abe was. honest abe, people called him that for a reason, abe couldn’t lie if he wanted to.
everything was making topher more mad now, every single thing. his clothes felt weird on his body, his room was to stuffy and messy, his body ached so badly, he felt so distant from himself which made every single thing worse. he wasn’t losing control, he already had, it’d slipped out of his hands the moment abe showed up at his house. he hated not having control, yet he was past the point where he couldn’t get himself to force the other to leave.
his brain felt to loud, his emotions becoming to much, more so to much than they already were. he wanted to rip his brain out of his head. it began to ache, more so than the dull way it had been all week, he’d gotten used to that, but it was getting stronger now, pounding in his ears, adding to his overstimulation.
he gripped his blankets, emotions building up faster and faster, like a rushing river about to drown him.
he couldn’t take it anymore, he sat up, holding himself as tight as he could. any control he had completely gone, what happened next he had no power over, which is why he started loudly sobbing.
he felt shameful, causing the sobbing to worsen. abe was taken aback, completely surprised, not being sure what to do at all. he’d learned how to comfort topher to a certain extent throughout there friendship, but this was completely new territory to him, topher hadn’t ever broken down like this before infront of him. he had to be careful.
he scooted up on tophers bed even more, making sure his movements were slow, being careful as to not make the smaller more upset.
the two boys were close now, almost touching but just not quite. abe was leaning up against the wall, right next to the smaller. topher sitting, hunched over himself, hugging himself tight letting out sobs akin to a little kid, he felt like a little kid. shame and embarrassment ran through his blood deep, weighing down on him, causing him to cry harder.
he crashed into abe, needing the closeness, the comfort even if abe wasn’t a master at it. he needed the taller, wether he liked it or not, he needed him like he needed water or air, especially right now.
abe was again caught of guard, not being sure what to do more so now. topher was leaning against his chest, holding onto his shirt, sobbing into it, almost sitting in his lap. abe cautiously closed his arms around him, folding him into a hug, causing topher to cry harder.
this is what he’d been wanting all week, what he’d been needing, craving. he curled up against abe, wanting to be as close to him as humanly possible, crawling into his lap.
abe was again very surprised at how forward topher was being, he was usually way slower to get this close, way more catious. abe let it happen though, hugging him tighter, holding him as close as he could.
topher continued to cry, beginning to leave dark wet spots in abe’s shirt. he felt pathetic and weak, making him cry even harder. everything was making him cry harder, he’d cried this week, but abe was here now, and abe was the only person he felt safe around. he was finally collapsing onto himself completely, all the pressure and stress falling into him, crumbling down like a building during an earthquake. he couldn’t stop, he cried and he cried, hot tears soaking abe’s shirt completely.
abe just held him, rubbing his back, trying his best to not make topher feel worse. his hands subconsciously crept up to the smallers hair, playing with it, remembering a time joan did that to calm him down. he ran his fingers through it, as much as he could with how tangled it was, at least. petting the other softly, patting himself on the back mentally when his sobbing started to slow down, dissolving into soft hics, sniffles, and shakey breathing.
topher started to settle, coming back down, feeling even more shame and embarrassment than before, being to tired to do anything about it. he noticed the way abe was holding him, felt the way he was petting his hair, it made his face go red. he felt mushy, completely fuzzy, the wasps in his stomach being replaced with butterflies. he let the taller continue, savoring the feeling. he was to tired to stop him, to tired to do anything other than lay there, completely helpless in the others arms. he nuzzled his face in deeper into the fabric of abe’s shirt, taking in his smell. abe watched him, topher’s behavior reminding him of a cat. he smiled, blushing softly. topher did have a tendency to be unintentionally cute to the other, abe didn’t think anything of it.
he rubbed his eyes, continuing to sniffle, his whole body and brain exhausted. abe’s presence calming him down more, lulling him deeper into relaxation.
“i’m sorry…” he trailed off, voice scratchy, curled up in the others lap like a cat. still holding onto him like a lifeline. he was so warm, his arms so strong, his comfort making the other ache a bit less by the second. he couldn’t help but blush, his whole body feeling warm. he was flustered, that feeling replacing any other feeling he’d had previously, as the situation settled in more. he wish he had his beanie on to pull it over his eyes. he wished he could lean up and kiss abe until he needed his inhaler. he shook his head, attempting to shake the thought of kissing his straight best out of his head. he hated how gay he was, hated how stupidly hot abe was.
“for what?” abe was confused at the smallers apology, he hadn’t done anything wrong, as far as abe knew at least. he continued to pet his hair, continued to hold him, finding comfort in the touch. him and topher hadn’t ever had a lot of boundaries with eachother, especially ones with physical closeness. not being with topher for a week made him miss him, more than just company wise to, he missed the way the other would cuddle him at there sleepovers, missed the way he’d grab abe’s rist to lead him places. physical touch hadn’t ever been weird for them, they’d always been close like this. topher was hesitant at first to outright cuddle abe but over time it just felt natural, abe never thought anything of it. he knew some people would probably think it was weird, for two guy friends to cuddle so close they were practically one person. but he always found himself longing for tophers closeness when they weren’t having sleepovers, and when they were cuddling he found himself feeling almost tingly? he didn’t know how to describe it, but it made him feel fuzzy, made him feel warm. he didn’t think anything of it, he wasn’t self aware enough to realize what this meant yet.
“just, everything, i’m a fucking mess and i feel like i’m dragging you down with me…” topher trailed off, fidgeting with his hands, not sure what else to say. he still felt ashamed for all of it, feeling guilty remembering the way he yelled at abe when the taller was just trying to help. he cringed at his words, cringed at the way he cried, embarrassment filling him once again.
“how would you drag me down with you? you’re my best friend buddy, i’m here to help with stuff like this” topher always cringed at how much abe would use the term ‘best friend’ with him. he knew that’s what they were, but it always felt excessive anyway. topher was still beyond thankful for the taller, he’d seen the worst of topher, now really seeing the worst, and he still stayed completely unbothered. he wasn’t even phased, he just hugged topher the whole time, staying with him through all of it. everyone else would be far more weirded out by now, they’d be more weirded out by the first introduction with topher, than abe has ever been with him. topher was beyond thankful for it.
topher sighed, wanting to forget the way he yelled at the taller for nothing. he wanted to apologize more, wanted to cry harder, say he was sorry for being a shit friend, sorry that he had a weird crush on abe, sorry for being always being awful in general, he knew it’d embarrass him more though in the end. so he kept breathing, in and out, focusing abe’s heartbeat. he didn’t have the energy to do anything else, his eyes drooped, drowsiness washing over him. he hadn’t slept good the whole week he was stuck in his room, insomnia had been a problem worse than usual the whole time. when he was able to finally get rest, it wasn’t good, nightmares haunted him in sleep, usually causing him to wake up sweating and scared. he felt protected now though, so warm and comforted, every bad feeling going to the back of his brain with every beat of the others heart, with every breath, he felt more and more calm.
“you can stay the night, if you’d like, i’d appreciate it…” topher trailed off, the words coming out mumbled and sleepy. abe chuckled, smiling down at the other, still playing with his hair. “of course toph, i already planned on it”
abe felt relieved, relieved that everything was finally okay. topher was safe, right here in his arms, where nothing, including topher himself, could hurt him. they were together, the closeness making abe get that indescribable feeling again. it came on strong this time, overwhelming almost. it was hard to ignore, not that he ever felt the need to ignore it, but it was definitely more noticeable than usual. abe wasn’t sure why that was, he assumed it was because it’d been a bit sense they’d seen eachother, but that didn’t stop him from thinking about it more.
he closed his eyes, tophers soft breathing all he heard. he felt the boys curly hair, feeling his back, the way it’d rise and fall softly. he was so thankful he was here with the smaller, the week was hard without him. a lot of it he was worried, bored at school, not sure what to do with so much free time. him and topher were inseparable, they were always together, clinging to eachother like burrs.
he continued to think, he really hadn’t realized how strongly topher made him feel until now. abe was dense, he had a habit of not realizing his crushes until they were severe, he wasn’t good at connecting the dots much. but as he thought more, it was getting harder to not connect the dots. he craved tophers presence and touch constantly, felt warm and fuzzy when they were close, felt especially protective over the smaller. he found himself doing more things to make the other happy, just to see him genuinely smile and laugh. hell, he just genuinely thought topher was pretty. he assumed that was normal for friendships, but he’d never felt fuzzy when cuddling gandhi. abe got sidetracked for a moment, curious as to where gandhi was, then setting that aside for later, subconsciously deciding his feelings for topher were more important right now.
he got himself back on track, attempting to compare his feelings for topher to friendships he’s had in the past, which made him realize he’s never really felt this way about any friends he’s had, any friends besides joan.
he tensed, his feelings for topher are closer to joan than to any friend he’s had, his feelings for topher are closer to joan than to any friend he’s had.
abe hasn’t ever been homophobic, not even in the slightest, he’s never been insecure about his sexuality to any degree. he’s always liked girls, there’s never been anything that’s made him think differently. of course he’s found guys attractive in the past, but it wasn’t romantic necessarily, he’s just thought some men were objectively hot. he assumed this was how every guy felt about other men, he still thought that even now. it didn’t make him gay that some men just looked good without a shirt on, he’s never really wanted to date a guy and that’s what counts right? he’s wanted to be close with guys, physically and mentally, but isn’t that just what wanting friends is like?
his mind began to race, mental turmoil coming over him. it was fine if he was gay, that’s not a bad thing, he just liked girls a lot, wasn’t it one or the other? how did he actually know if he was gay to? what if he just liked topher a lot platonically? once he realized he had a crush on joan, he knew it was true, it was to intense of a feeling. once it passed a certain point he couldn’t bare to ignore it any longer. he wasn’t that way with topher, he couldn’t bare to subconsciously ignore his feelings any longer, but what if he kissed him or something and it just didn’t feel the same?
abe sighed, stressed, threading his hand through his hair. what if he did have a crush on topher? tophers very clearly stated that he’s straight, abe also already had a crush on joan. none of this was good to any extent, and even worse, he didn’t have anyone to consult on his feelings. he couldn’t talk to topher about him maybe have a crush on topher himself, he couldn’t go to joan, his crush, asking for advice on maybe having a different crush, abe didn’t really know anyone else to. he didn’t have friends really, he’d always been a loser, but 2023 made him an even bigger loser. he didn’t know anything about anything, catching up was beyond hard. he was incredibly thankful for topher, he had no clue where he’d be if he didn’t have topher, and he couldn’t afford to lose him. topher knew everything about everything, politics, being “woke”, new trends, stupid online drama, stupid in person drama, he was nosy and good at digging. abe would be beyond canceled if it wasn’t for topher. he recalled a memory of topher when they were first friends, how abe would be ‘shane dawson level canceled’ if he didn’t let topher help him publicly apologize. he had no clue who shane dawson was, but he was scared to find out what he did to be beyond canceled.
abe shook his head, as if he was trying to shake the thoughts themselves out. it was completely dark out now, late in the night. abe looked down at topher, smiling at the way the smaller was curled in a small ball in his lap. he’d had his hand resting in his hair, fidgeting with it all throughout his mild sexuality crisis.
abe loved topher, he knew that much was true. regardless of wether it was platonic or romantic, he knew he loved the smaller. they were inseparable, practically attached by the hip. they’d grown that reputation over the months they’d been friends, it was just something everyone at there school knew: if abe was there, topher would be there and vice versa. abe wondered in that moment if some people already thought they were dating, if there peers speculated that they were more than friends to a certain extent, he didn’t like the way the thought made his stomach flutter.
he held back a groan, he knew he was gonna keep running himself in circles with this until he talked to someone. but who would he even talk to? he didn’t feel sick, more just incredibly nervous and confused, especially sense the boy he was so nervous about was sleeping in his lap. abe wished he realized this while he was alone, or just not realized it at all. he knew he was gonna be so much more awkward around topher whenever he woke up next, how was he not supposed to be? he’d always thought topher was cute, he’d always felt this way when they’d cuddled, but now that he realized that he felt that way, he wouldn’t be able to act normal anymore.
abe was tired, mentally and physically, it’d been a long week at school. topher was already fast asleep, peacefully snoring, completely unaware of the thoughts that were tormenting the other boy.
abe didn’t bother to check the time, deciding it was time to sleep, despite it being probably pretty early still. his head felt full which was a rare feeling for him, it wasn’t something he was used to, he couldn’t stand it a moment longer.
he kicked his shoes off of tophers bed, carefully pulling the smaller up like he weighted nothing, which he did weigh nothing to abe. he grabbed tophers blanket and covered them both up, the warmth enveloping the two, still careful as to not wake the curly haired boy up. the warmth was beyond comforting, the smell of tophers bed being familiar and also comforting. abe’s head began to feel fuzzy, he hadn’t even realized how tired he really was. he let out a sigh of relief and contentment, closing his eyes softly, pulling the other in closer.
all the stress of this week washed off of him, evaporating from his body. he was warm, topher was safe, everything else could be figured out later. he held topher close and tight like he usually did, cuddling him like a teddy bear, head tucked into the soft curls of his hair.
abe fell asleep comfortably that night, shoving all the other worrying thoughts in his head aside for later. he fell into a deep, comfortable sleep, not knowing the boy in his arms was having dreams about the two of them.