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She had been taking this train her entire life.
Byleth sat in her seat, fingers tightly clutching the white envelope in her hands, watching as the city raced by. She had seen it all thousands of times before. She always picked up the train from downtown, outside of her father’s apartment, and took it all the way to her grandmother's place at the end of the line.
The route was long and familiar. She could have done it in her sleep, but it had never felt so nerve wracking before.
This time, her feet had dragged against the ground with each step on the way to the station.
The letter had weighed heavily in her pocket. Byleth kept altering between staring at it and placing it back in her pocket. The corners were starting to crease and fray in her hands.
Byleth didn’t understand it. Her future was balanced on the very edge of this letter, and yet it weighed on her chest like an anchor. She wanted to throw it into the nearest harbor.
She sighed as the train slowed and approached the next stop.
The other passengers moved to exit the car, leaving her alone. Normally, she would relish having the car to herself but she barely registered it as she stared blankly into space. Her head felt too full, too fast. It swam with thoughts of what she would say to her grandmother when she saw her. Rhea was probably already finished with dinner…
The doors began to slide closed when Byleth heard the sound of loud footfalls against the tile outside, and a woman’s voice shouting, “Hold the train, please!”
Byleth’s head snapped up at that. She moved on muscle memory alone, rising to her feet and sticking her hand between the doors before it could close completely.
A young woman raced up to the doors. She breathed heavily, which was exactly how Byleth felt as she looked at her.
This woman was breathtakingly beautiful.
She entered the car, thanking Byleth before moving to sit at the bench across from her. She crossed her legs before opening a book in her lap and the train fell silent again.
It was all too easy to stare at her.
She couldn't have been any older than Byleth, but her clothes looked expensive and were fitted and finely pressed. The air around her felt refined. Her voice had been commanding and her steps were assured as she boarded the train. This was a woman who knew exactly what she wanted in life.
It was everything Byleth felt like she wasn’t. She couldn’t help but feel a little envious.
The woman must have felt her eyes on her and looked up. Her face really was beautiful. That just wasn’t fair. What didn’t she have?
“May I help you?” she asked. Her tone wasn’t rude, but inquisitive. It sounded just as regal as she looked.
“No, sorry…” Byleth mumbled a quick apology before turning her head down again towards her hands clasped around the envelope. She felt herself frown.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
Byleth looked up, startled. “What?”
The woman's lavender eyes crinkled as she smiled back at her, expression kind. She said, “Pardon me, you just looked very deep in thought.”
“Is it that obvious?” Byleth ran a nervous hand through her hair.
“Not at all. My friends say I’m too observant for my own good. Still, you look as though you wouldn’t mind some company.”
Byleth stared at her.
“My name is Edelgard,” she offered.
“Byleth.”
“That’s a wonderful name. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Byleth.” Edelgard smiled at her. “Thank you for holding the train for me.”
“Of course. I know what it’s like to be running late.”
“Are you late to something?”
Byleth glanced at her wristwatch and then back out the window to watch the sun begin to dip below the horizon and turn the sky orange. It would be dark by the time she arrived on her grandmother’s doorstep. “Something like that…”
The paper crinkled between her fingers as she shoved it back into her pocket. She'd much rather make small talk than think about its contents.
In the next few minutes, Byleth had learned three important things about Edelgard: she went to the same university as her, she was on her way to see a play one of her friends was starring in, and she was damn near perfect at everything.
Edelgard never said the last part outright, but Byleth could tell. It was in the way she carried herself and the confident and precise way she spoke. Edelgard knew exactly where she wanted to go in life and how she would get there.
“My friend, Dorothea, is a phenomenal actress. She’s the one who got me into seeing live theater regularly. Have you ever been?”
“No, I’ve never been able to find the time,” Byleth responded. It was true. Between classes and studying and extracurriculars, she hardly had time to sleep let alone head up to the theater district. “I’ve always wanted to go though.”
“Oh, you should come to see the show she’s in tonight. She’s very good. It’s about…” The way Edeglard spoke had Byleth hanging off of her every word. She was charming and engaging. She was perfect at making small talk.
Edelgard spoke about herself, her friends, and school. She was inquisitive and asked Byleth about herself, but she had either deflected or given short responses. The letter seemed to burn a hole in her pocket as she did. How was it getting heavier?
Her hand crept towards it again before she pulled it out again and frowned.
Edelgard watched her carefully, one eyebrow slightly raised in silent question.
Byleth wasn't sure how to answer. Instead, she gestured for her to come closer and Edeglard crossed the aisle to her. She took a seat at her side and she handed her the envelope.
“Open it,” Byleth said.
Edelgard looked at her curiously, but did as instructed. She pulled out the papers and unfolded them carefully. Edelgard read aloud, “‘Dear Ms. Byleth Eisner, we have reviewed your application and after much contemplation we are happy to inform you that you have been accepted into the Fodlan Institute of Medicine and Research…’”
Her eyes skimmed the rest of the letter before she looked up, bright and amazed. “That is a monumental achievement! This is the top rated medical school in the-” She stopped herself when she saw the look on Byleth’s face. “Oh.”
She folded the letter up again and carefully placed it back into the envelope.
“I assume that’s the issue then?” Edelgard asked her.
Byleth nodded, wordlessly.
“What’s wrong with it?”
“I don’t know. That’s the problem. But, everytime I look at that letter it fills me with…” Byleth grasped at the air as the words seemed to fly away from her. She huffed and ran a hand through her messy hair.
Edelgard watched her patiently, giving her the time she needed to ground herself.
“...Dread,” she finally settled on. “My chest feels like it’s full of dread.”
"Medical school is very expensive," Edelgard suggested. "I think that would give anyone some second thoughts."
Byleth shook her head. She had already considered it, and that inspired a different genre of pain in her chest and wallet.
It wasn't just the envelope that had come in the mail that day.
Byleth awoke each morning and stared at the ceiling with her head already spiraling with thoughts. She felt her heart pound in her chest as she went to class, her palms sweaty and cold. Her head hung low as she waited for each lecture to end only to head to the next and then to the laboratory or library.
She couldn't remember the last time she had taken a moment to breathe or relax with friends. She didn't have friends. She didn’t have time for dinner or to watch live theater. She had studied all of last year in preparation for her bar exams and neglected her social life only to have a panic attack right outside of the exam room.
“Do you not like studying medicine?” Edelgard asked gently.
“No, it’s fine,” Byleth said immediately. “I like feeling like I’m helping people. Doctors love to help people.”
The explanation felt rehearsed even as she said them. She'd been saying it for years and now it was her default response.
“But…” Edelgard supplied.
“But…” Her voice trailed off and she put her head in her hands. “I don’t know. It’s like I’m watching my life pass me by. I feel like a passenger instead of the one driving the car and now there's a fork in the road and it's coming up quick. Does that make sense?”
She was met by her new companion nodding right along with her. Edelgard looked between them as if debating if she wanted to reach out to take her hand or not. In the end, she didn’t. Instead, she asked, “Do you want to be a doctor? Truly?”
"Ye-" Byleth stopped herself. Her mind flashed to her grandmother's hand on her back as she dropped her off on the first day of classes and she faltered. Her breath felt shaky when she admitted, “I don’t know.”
"It's alright to not know."
"But I want to know. I desperately want to know. How did you figure it all out?"
Edelgard looked at her, surprised. She sat back in her seat and sighed. She said, "I'll let you in on a little secret. None of us know what the future holds. We are all just making our way through life and trying to stay true to ourselves while we do it."
Byleth supposed it was a comfort that even this seemingly perfect stranger didn’t have everything figured out.
"I sometimes wonder if I'll wake up and everything will make sense," Byleth told her. "Maybe, if I wait a little longer, then I'll start to like my major. Should I wait and see?"
“As trite as it may sound, what does your heart say?”
Byleth felt her eyebrows rise to her hairline at that. "Huh?"
"What does your heart say? What do you want to do?"
She opened and closed her mouth multiple times, trying to find the answer. It had been so long since anyone had asked her what she wanted to do, she wasn't sure how to reply.
The confused look on Byleth's face must have been obvious as Edelgard let out a small chuckle.
"It's genuinely alright to not know. Some people never find their calling."
"That's not very reassuring."
"The point is, you will need to decide for yourself what you want." Edelgard looked at her thoughtfully. "Byleth, the last thing you want is to become a passenger in your own life. If the path you're on fills you with dread, maybe it's not the right one. You should choose your life for yourself, not anyone else."
Byleth shifted in her seat. There were too many variables and paths to choose from. The current path she was on was safe and familiar. It was laid out for her already. Could she really choose something else?
“You could start by accompanying me to this play,” Edelgard suggested. This time she actually did take Byleth’s hand.
“Are you…asking me out on a date?”
“Well, that’s dependent on whether or not you would say yes.”
“I don’t…” Byleth paused. She looked at her and felt her heart thump a little too loudly. “...Yes. I would say yes.”
“Then, yes. I’m asking you out.”
The train began to slow as it approached the next stop. Edeglard looked up, surprised as she read the station name and began to rise and let their hands fall away.
“You don’t need to decide now. I’m sure I’ll want to see the play again.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of paper. She quickly jotted down her phone number and the address of the theater. “Give me a call if you change your mind.”
The paper was pressed carefully into Byleth’s waiting palm with a genuine smile on Edelgard’s face. She exited the train the next second. Byleth watched as her figure retreated up the steps and the train began to pull away.
Edelgard never once looked back.
What does your heart say?
The question echoed in her ears and made her pulse accelerate. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had asked her what she wanted.
“What does my heart say…” Byleth pondered aloud, staring at the seat in front of her that Edelgard had occupied.
She didn’t know. She wasn’t sure what she wanted in life. She just knew this wasn’t the right path for her.
Byleth had gotten on the wrong train.
Or maybe she had just forgotten to change trains. She would have to get off at the next stop and fix that. She would circle back to the next line and take the train up to the theater district. She would find that small theater and pay for a ticket and find that woman again.
The train slowed as it approached the next station and Byleth stepped out of the parting doors and into the next terminal, finally a feeling of assuredness in her stride. There was only one thought in her mind: My heart says go.
It was time to change trains.