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That moment at 12
The day they first met, Haechan knew that he was done for. The moment he set his eyes on that dorky kid who wore those thick black glasses with his braces on, he knew that he would absolutely adore him for the rest of his life.
The kid smiled back at him when he approached him, shook his hand when he introduced himself, and even played with his hand me down pokemon cards that his older brother got tired of.
“Let's play again tomorrow?” Mark, the dorky kid, asked.
Haechan only smiled widely, crooked teeth and all, before giving him a torn charizard card with writings on it. He ran away from his dorky friend, giggling as he did so.
“See you again tomorrow, Haechan!”
The following days, Mark and Haechan played nonstop. From the park, to the playground, to their houses, even inside their rooms. From playdates to sleepovers, the two kids were inseparable, even their parents treated each child as their own; loving them and caring for them.
And Haechan could not comprehend how happy he was, seeing this dorky kid in front of him, smiling so comfortably in his presence.
“Mel, you’re so cute.” Haechan said innocently, squishing the dorky kid’s cheeks.
“Mel?”
Haechan hummed, giggling as Mark continued to blubber his words while his cheeks were being played with. The older kid didn’t mind that his face was being played with, not when The kid in the bowl cut was laughing at how he looked.
“It sounds funny. you’re funny.” Haechan could not stop giggling, but Mark didn’t mind. In fact, he loved it.
He loved the sound of Haechan’s laughs and giggles and ugly snorting. He loved that it filled his tiny room with innocence and laughter and fondness and just pure warmth .
Like a sun’s glow at sunrise, or a nice warm hug one craves for when it’s cold. Haechan’s laughter feels like that, Mark thought.
But Haechan— Haechan feels it deeper, he feels it stronger. He thought how incomprehensible it was how adored he was at this dorky kid. He was only twelve but god, it was like feeling all the good things that the world created all at once.
It was overwhelming, yet it was not at all heavy. It was like burying yourself in the autumn leaves— smelling that faint scent of rain on each dried pad, feeling that crunch beneath your feet, looking at this fallen leaf on your shoulder and feeling how light it was. how fragile it was yet so tender and just so beautiful to have.
Haechan feels like that.
That moment at 14
Three years have passed and Haechan still feels the same. Or maybe more— he can’t really tell anymore.
And while everything is still the same, something feels different. Not much has changed, no. Mark lost his thick glasses for a much thinner one, his braces disappeared for a pair of retainers he removes during the day.
He got taller too. They both did. Gained more weight, lost some. Grew their hair, cut it in different styles. Wore more clothes, more shoes, more accessories.
Everything was the same, still. But Haechan felt something was different.
Mark still smiles at him like before. Still laughs with him, eats with him, plays with him, even goes on sleepovers with him.
But, maybe it’s the way Haechan feels conscious whenever Mark stares at him. Whenever he laughs, Mark would just smile at him. Whenever he eats, Mark wipes the corners of his mouth after chewing. Whenever they play, Mark would constantly try to catch him before his feet could even touch the ground. And during sleepovers, Mark just lays his head on his pillow even if he has his own.
It made Haechan self conscious and shy and weird. But why would it be weird? That was his friend. His good friend. His sweet, kind friend who looks out for him.
“You alright? You kind of spaced out there," Mark asked.
“Huh?” Haechan wondered, blinking rapidly as he was snapped out of his reverie.
“What are you thinking about?” Mark asked once again.
Maybe it’s the way Mark just knows him so much.
It was like seeing your reflection and adoring the person you see in it. The joy, the sadness, the pain, the anger. all these emotions that fly by you and you just feel it before you could even imagine it.
Maybe it’s the way Haechan just adores him. He couldn’t help but put him on a pedestal. But the thing was, there’s nothing, absolutely nothing that Mark could do that could hurt him in any way. No— because he knows him too.
“I was just thinking about you,” Haechan shrugged nonchalantly.
Mark laughs. He loves the way Haechan could be so honest in the oddest of ways. “Nice to know someone’s thinking about me, then.” Mark replied, chewing on some chips he brought.
“You’re so weird, Mel.”
Still, even when Haechan gives him an odd look, he couldn’t help but see his true feelings behind his facade.
Haechan adores Mark, absolutely delights in the way that Mark constantly reassures him even when he’s feeling conscious in his stare. He likes that Mark doesn’t have to say anything about it. He likes that Mark just goes with the way Haechan would divert the topic to something completely different. The tables would turn, sure, but he knows that Mark doesn’t mind it.
Mark laughed once more before resting his head on the younger’s shoulder. He breathed in his familiar scent, closing his eyes, and there, he dreamt of comfort— of the sun colliding with the galaxy in the most beautiful of ways.
That moment at 17
The more time passes by, the more Haechan gets enamored by Mark. It was confusing as well as just simple— that Mark gets so loving and admirable everyday. He's lost his retainers and his glasses long ago, as well as his odd sweaters and his broken earphones. But even then, Haechan couldn’t simply comprehend why his dorky kid is making him, well, feel .
It was confusing. It felt like deja vu but he was sure that it hadn't happened before. Looking at Mark from afar, seeing him laughing with his other friends, he’s never felt so unsure with his thoughts. They felt like pieces scattered in the cold sand and he’s scrambling to look for each and every piece to fit the puzzle he’s been building.
But it was also just so simple. The pieces he’s found in the sand look so familiar and easy to finish. No matter how many were scattered in the cold sand, the pieces seem to be building themselves. Haechan didn’t need to bury his feet in the cold. rather, he just had to stand back and watch how the world looks when it’s quiet. How Mark looks when he’s not beside him.
And Mark, as always, he looks bright. In the sea of darkness and flashing lights, Mark seems like a star burning so so bright nothing could contain its glow. And Haechan just knows it as well. He steps back, and lets Mark shine on his own.
“It's a surprise to see you alone tonight, Haechan,” a voice said.
Haechan turns to the person beside him and laughs. “It's not like we’re glued to the hip, Jeno.”
“You actually are.” Jeno sipped from his red cup, giving Haechan no room to argue.
“Sure, whatever.” Haechan only shrugged, sighing as he put his hands in his pockets.
“Did you guys come alone tonight?” Jeno asked.
Haechan hummed in reply, “we didn’t have anyone to ask.”
Jeno laughed at his friend’s reply. “I hope you know that there’s probably a dozen people lined up, waiting for you to ask them to go to prom.”
“Yeah well,” Haechan scratched the back of his head, “I didn't want to go with them.”
“You’re so… cliché personified.” Jeno didn’t say anything more after that. They were both quiet, the pop music playing in the background became their noise and the people dancing and chatting in front of them became their view.
Haechan wanted to ask Jeno something. Something personal, something deep. Something that could clear out the misunderstandings inside his own head that he couldn’t solve on his own.
But it’s like Mark just knows.
Because before he could speak to Jeno again, Mark was walking towards them with a skip and a big smile. “Hey guys,” Mark said, giving Jeno a handshake before standing between him and Haechan.
“What are you doing here, Mel?” Haechan feigned annoyance but Mark only laughed, slinging his arm over his friend’s shoulder.
“It's a good night, Haech. It’d be sad to waste it just over here, standing and watching other people.”
“You’re the one looking forward to this night, loser.” Haechan said before sipping from a cup that Mark was holding.
Mark hummed in reply. He couldn’t deny how good Haechan looked tonight. Sure, they were both wearing boring identical suits but Haechan looks more stunning than he does.
“Enough party pooping,” Mark said with a sigh. “Let's go and dance.” Mark smiled at Haechan.
And he was so bright. But it wasn’t at all glaring at him. Maybe it was because he was always looking at him that he got used to it. Or maybe, just maybe, his glow was that of a gentle brightness, one that makes you look back and just stare with a smile on your face because it reminds you of the greatest moments of your life.
“Mel…” Haechan pretended to hate it but, oh, how he adored having Mark hold his hand and his waist.
They were close— he could feel Mark’s warm body and he could smell the iced tea that he was drinking earlier. Haechan reasoned that it was normal to have your dearest friend so close to you and feel something. But, as he looked back and saw Jeno smiling at him with a knowing look and his eyebrow raised, Haechan then realized that it was different.
Normal, still, but just different.
Haechan’s cheeks flushed at their distance and intimacy. Mark’s hands were gently holding him and he’s smiling at him with so much fondness it felt like Haechan couldn’t possibly just keep it for himself.
“Are you having fun, Mel?” Haechan asked instead, sharing the fondness between them both.
Mark nodded, pulling Haechan closer to rest his head on his friend’s shoulder. “Very. thanks for coming with me.”
Haechan snaked his hands to wrap it on the boy’s shoulder, slowly embracing him in his arms. And Mark said nothing about it. He stayed quiet, enjoying his time in the arms of his good friend. They swayed along to the music in the background— slowly and carefully not to step on each other’s feet.
And everything feels overwhelming, but not at all heavy. He doesn’t feel suffocated as he holds his friend in his arms. millions of thoughts were running inside his head— confusing thoughts as well as just comforting ones. Yet these thoughts, he figured, was what made his relationship with Mark so strong. Doubts and certainties, everything just made so much sense.
It felt like just the two of them in the dance floor full of people. It was cliché, Haechan could not deny it. But, it was like a well made cliché. Because out of everyone in the room, why did Mark choose to dance with him?
Then again, it’s like Mark just knows. Because before he could even ask him, Mark holds him tight and whispers something to him that grounded him once more.
“You look great tonight, Haech.”
That moment at 20
Time didn’t do anything to ease the confusion inside Haechan’s mind. If anything, it just made him question himself more and more about himself. But the thing was, he didn’t want any answers.
Answers meant feeling awkward in the mornings as he’d greet Mark in their living room. Answers meant feeling conscious about living with Mark throughout their entire college years. Answers meant feeling something different, doing something different. Answers meant changing a memorized route of life— stepping out of this normalcy that he’s used to.
Haechan smiled at their friends who took out the cake from the fridge inside his and Mark’s apartment. It was Mark’s birthday and all of their friends were cramped inside their small space, wanting to celebrate their good friend’s birthday.
Truthfully, all Haechan wanted to do was to celebrate it how they always do; inside the comfort of their own room, bringing out a cake when the clock strikes twelve, singing him a happy birthday, and finally going on about their day.
But as he saw Mark smiling widely at the other side of the room, with his stupid party hat on and his red cup in his hands, he thought how happy he looked shining brightly like that.
So, he slid his feelings under the rug for now and let his galaxy enchant everyone in the room.
“You ready, Haechan? it’s a minute till 12," Renjun asked before pocketing his phone.
Haechan hummed in reply, gently carrying the round cake in his hands. “I'm good,” he said.
“Wait, let’s carry it.”
“Huh?”
“The cake. Let's hold it together.”
Haechan wanted to protest, to say no, to say that he’s always held Mark’s cake alone. That it was their thing. But, this overwhelming feeling got the best of him once more that he could only smile and nod at his friend. He smiled back at him, lighting the single candle on the cake.
The music in their apartment stopped, and the people made way for Haechan and Renjun to walk over to the birthday boy. Everyone was singing him a happy birthday— some were out of tune, some were out of pitch. But still, Mark was shining brightly and Haechan couldn’t possibly ruin that.
Mark was smiling, yes, but Haechan thought there was something different in his smile. It seemed confused and unsure. When Renjun and Haechan were in front of Mark, he chuckled, staring at Haechan with a knowing look.
It was one of those moments that Haechan felt relieved that Mark just knew. His eyes, they knew everything that Haechan felt with just a single glance. And all of Haechan’s uncertainties were gone with just a glance and a smile.
“Blow the candle, Mark,” Renjun said.
“I will. It’s just… why aren’t you holding the cake, Haech?” Mark asked.
“But, I am.” Haechan said, laughing as he did so.
“Sorry, Renjun. But can Haechan hold the cake alone?” Mark asked him with a smile.
From the corner of Haechan’s eye, he can see Jeno quietly laughing at the other end of the room. Aside from himself, Jeno knows of his doubts and questions. And while it annoyed him, it felt nice that another person knew his thoughts and was helping him sort things out little by little.
“Why?” Renjun asked, still holding on to the cake with Haechan.
“It’s kind of a tradition of ours.”
Haechan’s face flushed pink as he heard those words. He didn’t think that something as simple as holding his friend’s cake would mean so much to him. It made him question himself once more. Was it normal to feel like that for your friend?
No, it wasn’t butterflies or sweaty hands. No, it wasn’t at all like that. It was like seeing the clear blue sky for the first time since the rainy season. The chirping of the birds, the gentle breeze, the feeling of the dewy leaves on your hand as you touch the trees.
It was like spring after a harsh winter. Seeing the flowers bloom for the first time in months, finding comfort in each and every piece of insect you see, moving carefreely in the spring air.
It was comfort, it was familiarity. It was overwhelming but not so much as a burden. Most of all, it felt like Haechan had already felt this before– adoring this man in front of him like it was meant to be.
Renjun huffed, gently giving the cake to Haechan before walking to the back with their other friends. Mark laughed, softly muttering a ‘sorry’ before looking at Haechan once more.
“Hi,” he whispered, slowly holding the cake together with Haechan. Their hands were touching each other, unknowingly creating a soft yet unbreakable atmosphere inside their filled apartment.
“Happy birthday, Mel,” Haechan muttered as if speaking a little more loudly would mean breaking this moment that they’ve created.
Mark smiled, as if he knew what Haechan wanted to say. He caressed the back of Haechan’s hand, leaning closer to blow the candle. He closed his eyes for only seconds yet it felt like an eternity to Haechan.
The joyful sounds of the people around them broke the atmosphere between the two. Haechan has never let out a more relieving breath until that moment.
And to let the galaxy shine as bright, he had to step back and let it do its thing. So, after Mark blew the candle, Haechan greeted him once more before walking back to the kitchen with his cake. He silently did his own thing while Mark was flooded with greetings and songs.
“That was awfully intimate,” Haechan heard Jeno speak from behind.
“Uh huh, sure,” Haechan muttered.
“Don’t try to deny it, Haechan. I saw what I saw but I know it was different for you.”
“Shut up, Jeno.”
Jeno laughed at Haechan’s statement, hopping on the counter to sit on it. He giggled as he watched Haechan arrange everything on the dining table like a compulsive person. He knew that Haechan was wondering about things again, thinking about his friend and questioning his own feelings. Jeno wanted to interfere, to tell Haechan that Mark feels the same and that it was okay to feel that way about him. But, this thing between them, it didn’t need another person’s interference. No, all it needed was time. So, no matter how heart wrenching Haechan's troubles were, all Jeno could do was lend a listening ear to his friend.
“All the best wishes, Haechan.”
That moment at 21
That night, when everyone left the party, Haechan and Mark were left alone in their apartment to clean up. Haechan was in the kitchen while Mark was in the living room, both picking up the scattered plates and cups on the floor. It was quiet between them, which was not at all odd as they were used to silence between them. But their silence now was full of unspoken questions and uncertainties.
It was cautious, they both were. Mark didn’t want to speak ahead of Haechan and Haechan didn’t want to break the tense atmosphere between them, no matter how unsettling it was.
“Had fun tonight, Mel?” Haechan asked.
Mark hummed in reply, tying the garbage bag he’s filled. “I did. Thanks for arranging this party.”
“You deserved it. Are you going home tomorrow?”
“I don’t know, are you?” Mark asked.
Haechan laughed awkwardly, stopping his actions to look at his friend wearing a serious expression on his face. “Why are you asking me?”
Mark was quiet for a bit, before walking to the kitchen to see Haechan properly. “Is something wrong, Haech?”
It annoys Haechan when Mark just knows. Because it meant that Haechan could not hide anything from him. He can’t lie to his friend easily, not when Mark could read every bit of expression on his face like a book he’s memorized. Because he knows him, he knows him more than he could even comprehend.
“Nothing’s wrong, Mel. Why would you think that something’s wrong?”
“It’s just… you’ve been so distant lately. You’re so awkward and cautious. You barely greet me and spend time with me. I wasn’t going to say anything but the cake thing was the cherry on top of all of this.”
Haechan stayed quiet.
“Something’s wrong, Haech. And you know it.”
Haechan stayed quiet still. He knew that once he starts speaking, everything will pour out– the uncertainties, the doubts, the questions and the answers he needs. And he’s afraid; afraid to risk this normalcy he’s walking on, afraid to walk out of this comfort he’s so used to living in.
“It’s nothing, Mel,” he said but Mark didn’t believe it.
It was overwhelming– the feelings he has for this man in front of him. But it didn’t feel like a burden, no.
“It’s something, Haech. It’s not nothing, especially when you’re acting like this.”
“Just leave it.” It was like a simple crack on a glass but it was everything that Mark needed to confirm his suspicions.
“Can you just tell me, so we could fix this? Please?”
And Mark knew. He knew that something was troubling Haechan, that something was keeping him up at night, that something was preventing him from being truly himself around him.
“Haech,” Mark said softly, walking over to Haechan slowly, “what are you thinking about?”
Haechan hesitated. Should he be honest?
But it was all too overwhelming. All his thoughts were racing inside his head and it’s making him feel nauseous. He needs to get away from Mark, he needs distance to control everything, to contain his feelings and this overwhelming emotion sitting on his chest.
“I’m thinking about you, Mark. Is that what you wanted to hear?” Haechan couldn’t stop the words spilling from his heart even if he wanted to. “You– I've adored you ever since we met. But I didn't know it’d be like this, okay? So just, leave it.”
Haechan wanted to walk away, to finally leave the pieces he found in the sand beneath his feet but Mark was already there, admiring the puzzle he’s built. Carefully tracing each and every fragment like a masterpiece he’s seen for the first time.
“No, I won't leave it, Haech. This is something that we need to talk about.”
“What’s there to talk about anyway?”
Mark sighed, holding Haechan’s hand gently like it was the most fragile item he’s ever held. “I think about you too.”
The world went quiet after that. Haechan was surprised and that heavy sinking feeling inside his chest was replaced with something lighter, something more bearable, something dear.
“I’ve always known that I would end up loving you. And so I did. Because what else is there to do?”
Haechan always thought that love was racing heartbeats and butterflies in the stomach. But here, in this moment with Mark, he suddenly realized that love, really, is calming storms and serene sunsets. It’s burying yourself deep within the most gentlest of hugs, of the warmest of words, and of the most loving of thoughts.
It’s never been difficult with him. It has always been easy and simple. And while there were uncertainties, Mark always knows how to listen and how to get rid of his doubts. Something good will come easy, Haechan believed, but not without a little bit of bumps.
Then again, they wouldn’t have it any other way.
Haechan suppressed his smile while Mark was already smiling from ear to ear, as if he just knew what Haechan was thinking about. Which he does, because he just knows him. Like the back of hand, like deep within his mind.
Mark leaned in, planting a kiss on Haechan’s cheek before giggling. They laughed at each other. Finding how simple it was to do something that needed risk. It took them a simple kiss on the cheek to make them realize that taking a leap of faith was as easy as jumping into a pool of autumn leaves– not at all heavy and not at all suffocating.
They kissed once more; so gentle and so slow. It was full of fondness and adoration and warmth. It was overwhelming again, but it was the good kind. It was the kind that they’d keep in their hearts forever, the kind that they’d think about every night, finding ways to even dream about it just to remember it all the time.
“What are you thinking about?”
And Haechan only has one answer.
“You. It’s always been you.”