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Head in her hands as she sits in the dark living room, Minha listens to her own shaky breathing, wondering how she ended up here. It was all okay. It was supposed to be okay. It wasn't meant to hurt this way.
"I'm sorry," a mournful voice not belonging to her says. "Minha, I'm sorry."
"It doesn't help when you say that, oppa." Lifting her red-rimmed eyes to look at Yang Seokhyung, the person she married, the man she swore to protect, the one she defended even from her own self, she replies, "You shouldn't be sorry right now. You see, I —"
Closing her eyes again, she tries her best not to choke on her words, feeling pitiful and wounded. Is this what happens when you move only according to your feelings?
"I love you to death, I really do — must you wait to see me really die because of this love for you?" she continues, tears welling up until she can't contain them anymore.
It's too much.
•◦ ❈ ◦•
An arranged marriage was the last thing Minha should have agreed to do, but as a faithful daughter — no, she won't make such excuses. If she was being completely honest, she said yes because she knew the person her parents matched her with, because she thought it would be easier to pursue love that way instead of waiting around for it to happen. But of course, preconceptions are dangerous.
She did fall in love with Yang Seokhyung. And she was lucky enough to have him love her back. But outside the love they had for one another were external factors that suddenly appeared to suffocate and torture them, from him finding out about his father's affair to her mother urging them to get a divorce because of his family falling apart.
To make it worse, all he wants to do is run away.
"Divorce?" she repeated when he first brought it up himself one morning, during breakfast. A great day opener, isn't it?
"I think that's for the better, Minha. I don't want you to get dragged further into this mess," he told her simply as if getting a divorce is similar to quitting a part-time job.
"Tell me you're kidding."
Remaining in silence, Seokhyung lowers his stare to his untouched meal. Minha never expected him to beg her to stay. She was aware that she only had to say the word and Seokhyung would let her go, even if it will hurt him. Because that's the kind of person he is. But this isn't it. This isn't what she wanted.
"Oppa."
"Please, listen to your mother. The situation right now is really bad."
"Do you think a divorce would magically fix everything?" she asks heatedly.
"It's not that —"
"Then why should we do it?" Minha pushes herself away from the table and gets up. "Don't bring this up again, oppa. You never saw me angry, have you? Well, don't test me."
•◦ ❈ ◦•
Sighing now as Minha recalls the conversation from a week ago, she steps away from the wall she was leaning against, still in her scrubs, a view of the city of Seoul during daytime in front of her. It's all disgustingly bright and peaceful. It's not acknowledging her being torn apart — is that for better or worse?
Last night's talk with Seokhyung is taking a toll on her on top of it all. She ended up falling asleep on the couch, drained from crying. Why did he have to bring it up again? They have too much to worry about as it is. Just why on earth is he doing this? If she died for love, would that make him snap into his senses?
Just when she's thinking that this day couldn't possibly get any worse, her mom is calling her. Sighing, she answers it anyway. "Mom."
"Isn't it my sweet daughter?"
Your sweet daughter is feeling very bitter. "What is it?"
"Minha, your father and I played golf with the PL Group's chairman yesterday. The good news is that his son wants to meet you. You're coming to meet him, right?"
The awful reality is that Minha's mom's overbearing attitude is understandable in the world she and Seokhyung grew up in. It's their normal. Getting married for convenience was the usual story… until the news of adultery. Perhaps if Chairman Yang didn't decide to get another woman pregnant then Minha would stay happily married, which is why it's angering and perplexing how her father-in-law's actions had direct effects on her life. It wasn't as if she cheated on someone, so why is she suffering the consequences because of it?
"Mom, I'm already married. Please show Seokhyung-oppa some respect," Minha replies wearily. "And I don't want to meet anyone else, so you can stop asking him to leave me. It's not helping."
"You can't stay with a family that's bound to fall apart, Minha. You'll only get hurt."
"Why isn't occuring to you that you're the one hurting me?" Feeling guilty as soon as the words left her, Minha apologizes, dismissing the conversation with a promise to meet with her mom next weekend for brunch. After hanging up, she goes back to doing her job, trying not to be fazed when all she wants to do is break down.
•◦ ❈ ◦•
Getting home after a long day with the lights already on, Minha goes straight to the kitchen and finds Seokhyung having a drink there. A rather new sight, since he never wanted to be intoxicated in nights he might get called in for an emergency surgery. But then, she's craving a drink herself, so she grabs her own glass and joins him, the two of them taking turns with their shots, pouring drinks for one another. Definitely not their typical night. They're not being themselves — they haven't been for days.
"Your mother called?" he asks after a while.
Minha hums her response, thinking that her mother must have called Seokhyung again. "I'll see her this weekend. You? You should visit your mom too. She must be having a hard time right now."
At that, Seokhyung agrees. "I'm going with her to the temple. She's spending a lot more time there."
"Look after her well. I don't think she should be exerting herself. She doesn't look good these past few weeks."
"I think so, too. I'm trying to convince her to get a check-up but…" Seokhyung shakes his head.
Minha can't help but notice that these series of events might be cursed, but those are also helping the both of them get closer to the Yang matriarch. Sure, she accepted Minha because of her background, but she hasn't been the warmest and most welcoming person on Earth.
"I'll try to talk to her, too," Minha offers.
"No need. I'll take care of it."
Silence stretches out between them and it's not the usual comfortable kind they used to share. It's electrified with anxiety and hesitation.
"Minha, I think… I think you should do what your mom tells you to do."
Not this again. "My mom tells me to go meet up with a man when I'm still married. What do you think about that?" she deadpans. Heaven knows that if his mother had suggested Seokhyung to go around meeting women then Minha would lose it.
"She knows you best."
No, you know me best. You know I'm never going to fall in love with anyone else when you exist. "You must think I'm a joke."
"You're not. That's why I'm doing this," Seokhyung replies just as seriously, meeting her stare with his own. "Minha, this is more serious than you think it is. Do you think the rumors will leave you alone?"
Fine. They're doing this again. Great. "Can't you let me deal with the pain for once?"
"That's the thing!" The pained look in his eyes only gets worse. "You're already hurting."
"Maybe because you're so busy trying to push me away when you should be desperate to keep me close. Yang Seokhyung, if my family fell apart like this, you wouldn't hear this nonsense from me. Why? Because I don't think I can get through it without you. Because we're supposed to get through the hard times together." Minha breathes deeply, her chest feeling tight with the emotions she poured out. This is exhausting. She doesn't want any of this. All she wants to do is crawl under the covers and hug him close and forget about the rest of the world. "We didn't get married for fun, oppa. You don't get to cut me off just when we should be keeping true to our vows."
"Those vows were never ours, Minha. It was arranged by our parents."
"What are you… Are you telling me that our entire marriage wasn't ours?" For someone so gentle, that was such a low blow. "Then who was I sleeping next to? Who did you confess to? Do we belong to our parents forever?"
Rubbing at his temples, Seokhyung lets out a long sigh. "I left the paperwork in your study. I want you to think it through, Minha. Let's not be emotional."
Before Minha can tell him that splitting up is the most emotional decision he could ever make, Seokhyung has stood up and gone into the guest room, refusing to take care of the mess he made.
•◦ ❈ ◦•
Waking up with a splitting headache, Minha curses Seokhyung under her breath as she finds a hangover drink and ready breakfast on the bedside drawer. So much for wanting to end our marriage, she thought bitterly. He must be having cognitive dissonance. That's the only explanation.
The house is eeriely quiet, so she takes it that he already went to work. Tonight, she would try drinking again if it meant having to sleep alone in the bed they used to share. Last night's liquor had knocked her down good, leaving her no chance to miss his warmth.
Unfortunately, she has became better at pretending all is well when facing her patients, she can even fool herself. Maybe everything really is okay. Maybe she woke up from a nightmare this morning and decided she wouldn't let any of the bad imagery get to her. It's all an illusion.
But after assisting the final delivery for the day, Minha finds that everything is very real as she sees that Seokhyung is calling her. It's the first time he's doing so for the entire week. What a cold-hearted person, she thought to herself, answering it anyway because how can she not? "What is it?"
"You drank a lot last night," he remarks as he normally does like they're not currently fighting. "Do you have a headache?"
"Because of you."
"Is it any better?"
"No. I'm dying here."
"Should I get you some meds?"
"I'll just drink water."
From his line, he sighs. Take that, Yang Seokhyung. "Don't overdo it today, okay? I'll pick you up later after your shift."
What kind of couple are we right now? she wonders, sitting on the edge of the bunk bed heavily. If it isn't Minha's life, she would have thought of this as ridiculous, but she's going through it and it's nothing close. It's infuriating. "Oppa."
"What?"
"Did you mean it?"
"Which one…?"
"When you said our vows didn't belong to us," she provides, feeling sullen again. She looks down at her feet, thinking how she doesn't even notice how physically spent she is because of her constant emotional turmoil. "Did you mean that?"
A long pause from his end of the call. Seokhyung is so damn good at torturing with silences like that. "What will be advantageous for me to say?"
"Shouldn't you consider how I feel first before thinking about your schemes?" His office is only a few rooms away. Should she come over and just yell at his face?
"Think about it from my perspective — I can't stand seeing you sad, Minha. It's that simple. That's why it's like this. That's why I want to end it." Seokhyung and his goddamn excuses.
"If it really kills you to see me sad, then you should fight for me," she tells him. "This is half my decision. It's half my marriage. I don't want to go anywhere else. It's that simple. Don't hold me accountable for things I didn't do — I'm not the one hurting you, so don't hurt me."
"I'm not trying to hurt you."
"Then I guess I must be losing my mind."
Pleading now, he calls out, "Minha."
"I'm beat. I need to check on a patient. Let's talk at home."
•◦ ❈ ◦•
Predictably, Seokhyung and Minha are quiet on the ride home. Minha is silently cursing him, angrily staring at the zooming horizon, leaving the window open because Seokhyung dislikes that. She knows she's petty, but this is nothing compared to what Seokhyung can do. After all, he's seriously thinking that breaking her heart is the right way to prevent breaking her heart. He's the most backward person ever, he might start driving in reverse anytime now.
"I lost a patient today," he confesses into the silence.
At once, Minha's resolve dissipates, like it was made of smoke. Glancing at him with worry, she gently asks, "And the baby?"
"The baby made it. The mother had heart problems and went into arrest delivering the baby. We couldn't save her. We had to do a C-section before we lose them both."
"I'm sorry." She knows it's not enough to verbalize what it is they're both feeling for the lost soul, but it was all she could say. "Do you want a drink?"
Their house comes into sight. Seokhyung shakes his head. "I think I should stay sober tonight."
Getting inside the house, he heads straight into the guest room, closing the door after him. The knob clicks.
He locked the door. He doesn't want any comfort from me.
•◦ ❈ ◦•
Dressed up for going out, Minha takes a deep breath in front of her reflection. The brunch is happening today. She has a plan to make her mother stop pestering her and her husband. She spent three years next to a mastermind, after all. This should be easy.
Thankfully, her mother didn't bring any surprise guests to set her up with. She wouldn't put it past her, being the tenacious woman that she is. (Minha took after her.)
"You look like you've lost weight," her mother says with concern during their meal.
"I'm busy with work."
"You should take it easy."
"Mom, if doctors took it easy, their patients will suffer."
"That's why I told you to learn business management instead."
Still repulsed at the idea, Minha shakes her head. Being a doctor is tough, but it's also gratifying. "And sit behind a desk all day? No way. What would I do with my energy?"
"Give me a grandchild, of course. I'm not aging backwards, my puppy."
That's her cue. Perfect. Minha sets her fork and knife down. "Mom, do you think I must leave the Yang family?"
Raising a teacup, her mother makes an elaborate sigh, the one you get when your parent is about to guilt-trip you into getting manipulated. That's how she got Minha married at 25. "It's already taking a toll on our business."
"Maybe because it's nearly winter and our businesses are related with hiking and swimming?" Guesthouses and resorts are only a good idea during autumn and summer anyway. Maybe she should convince her parents to build a ski resort so they won't use the business as an excuse to end her marriage. Even thinking about it like that makes Minha incredulous. "It's not like my husband cheated on me, Mom. Seokhyung is outside of what his father did."
"I know, but —"
"Do you want to let your grandchild grow up without a father?"
"What?"
This is it. "I'm pregnant."
•◦ ❈ ◦•
Minha gets home just fine, but before starting to fix herself some lunch, she goes to her study. True to Seokhyung's words, there's an envelope on top of the desk. Before her plan to burn it, she flips through the legal documents. He didn't even sign it. He couldn't bring himself to, I bet — and he expected me to do it?
Digging through her purse, she brings out a lighter she got from a convenience store twenty minutes ago and set the papers on fire, dropping it into an empty metal bin. She doesn't even go into this room anymore, so what made Seokhyung think she would enter it to sign these stupid sheets she doesn't want to see ever again? The more she thinks about it, the more confused she becomes, and the angrier she is towards those who pushed him into a corner.
When the flames turn to ashes and there's nothing left for Minha to worry about but Seokhyung, she exits the study and locks the door. After her second meal and a prolonged shower, she went to sleep, pulling on one of Seokhyung's sweaters. It's the only right way to spend her day off, with all the comfort she knew — just without the biggest one. She misses him.
•◦ ❈ ◦•
It must be around six pm when Minha got up from her nap, hearing some sounds from the kitchen. Seokhyung must be home from work already. That's early.
He's making himself some coffee. With ice, obviously. "What did your mother say?" Seokhyung inquires.
If she didn't know any better, she would think he's asking just to be polite, but she can sense it now. "Why? Worried that she set me up with someone else?"
"Minha."
"Don't worry, she couldn't — and wouldn't anymore," Minha replies, leaning back in her seat to properly watch her husband. "You're like that. You say one thing but your actions have different meaning. You want to split up? Who are you kidding."
He doesn't say anything. He doesn't have to. Both of them know she's right.
"You're struggling, oppa. You can give up now."
Turning around and bracing himself on the counter, Seokyung blows a slow, deep breath. Only after a moment of collecting himself did he murmur, "I'll get some fresh air."
Half an hour must have passed since he went outsie. Minha remained sitting there, wondering whether that was the last straw. He's wavering. She could see it. She doesn't want him to keep having a hard time because of them. Minha needs him to be strong again, so the next time he has to face his liar of a father, it won't hit him as hard.
Closing her eyes, Minha braces herself again. This must be what it's like to actually have life throw challenges your way. Maybe she had it easy all along and that's why the present hurts too deeply.
Minha leaves her seat and joins Seokhyung in the garden. He's sitting there on a cemented edge of a flower box, in the cold, looking at his folded hands. Crouching in front of him, she asks, "It's hard, isn't it? I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he murmurs, brushing away a strand of hair falling on the side of her face. "You have nothing to be sorry about. Ever."
"You know, if you had better reasons to make me leave, I will," Minha confesses. "If you're tired of us and disenchanted with me, I would step back in a heartbeat — but oppa, you're in love with me."
A conflicted expression flashes on his face. Pure agony. Helplessness. Heartbreak. "I am."
It must be the millionth time her heart is threatening to break. Minha swallows a lump in her throat. "See? That's why I can't go."
When he speaks next, it's so quiet, she would have missed it if his voice isn't the only thing she's focused on.
"I'm scared."
"You don't have to be." Reaching out, Minha encases his hand in hers, heart finally breaking at feeling how cold it is. "I'm right here."
At once, the emotions Seokhyung has been supressing reach his eyes, welling up there like crystals. "What if you become miserable because of me?"
Squeezing his hand once, wishing words can actually convey what it is that she feels, she reassures, "I won't ever be if you let me stay."
A tear falls. His window of honesty. "I don't want you to go, Minha. The thought of you being gone is killing me."
That's all I needed to hear. Embracing him, Minha cries as well as they mourn for the time they wasted on a tug-of-war. It doesn't have to be that way anymore. They can move forward now. Together.
Later that evening, Seokhyung joins Minha in their bedroom again, the two of them getting proper rest for the first time that week. Not one second did he let go of her throughout the night.
•◦ ❈ ◦•
"I hope my idiot of a brother dropped the subject," Jieun starts as soon as Minha answers her call the next day on her way to work. Currently staying in New York and away from her messy family, Jieun plays the cello in various shows, joining whichever catches her fancy. "He called me completely wasted the other night, crying about how he should let you go. What an idiot."
Past the worst now, Minha can only laugh. "Fortunately, he dropped it."
"Oh. He's not that big of an idiot after all."
He isn't. Thank all Gods and heavens. "You? How are your studies going?"
"A mess, of course," Jieun replies, lively as ever. "I'm so grateful for dad for ruining my focus. I ran out of the opera house crying yesterday. I looked like a panda when I got home, so I'm not ordering that mascara again, but all in all, New York still feels like a dream."
"I promise to come and visit as soon as I get my schedule cleared."
"As if you and Yang Seokhyung will ever be available — so why become doctors? I don't understand it, but I do. Don't worry about it, I'll come visit as soon as mom promises she's divorcing dad. I have to see how that goes down in person."
"I'm going to the temple tomorrow to pray for it."
"I can't wait to meet my little sibling though."
"What do you mean?"
"It's still dad's child, you know. I always wanted a little sibling anyway. I mean, it would be weird seeing that woman in person someday, but I don't care anymore. She's not relevant. Life's too short to worry about the drama."
If only Seokhyung had Jieun's insights about life. Minha sighs wistfully at her thought. "You grew up way too quickly."
"And yet you two still baby me."
"You're just twenty. In my book, you're a baby."
"You're only eight years older."
"Which means I ate eight years worth of rice more than you," Minha points out, waving at the nurses as she approaches their station. "I have to work, Jieun-a. I'll call you again later."
"Sure, unnie. Have a great day. And make Seokhyung suffer."
"I have no confidence in doing that."
"That's why I love you."
Hanging up after another exchange of redundant goodbyes, Minha finds herself smiling. Pieces of her life are falling back into place.
•◦ ❈ ◦•
One Week Later
"It's not only us," Seokhyung tells Minha on one of their make-up dates. These dates are Seokhyung's idea this time around, wanting to make it up to Minha for the week he put her through. "Mom, I mean. I told her we're not splitting up."
"You told your mother?" Minha repeats, incredulous. "Wah, you must have been serious about abandoning me."
"I wasn't abandoning you," Seokhyung replies defensively.
"But what do you mean it's not only us?"
"Mom wouldn't divorce Chairman Yang." Seokhyung has resorted to calling his father formally ever since he found out about the truth. It's still new to Minha, but it would have been more strange otherwise. "She says it's his punishment, that she's not going to do it no matter what. Reminded me of someone when I was listening to her."
"Are you comparing me to Mother?" Minha thinks carefully about it for a second. "I don't care. It's a compliment right now. You do whatever she tells you to do."
"But I'm still worried. She doesn't need to punish him herself. I just want her to be happy — and she can't be happy if she won't let go of him, right?"
"Your mother is stronger than any woman I've ever known, oppa. I'm sure she has a plan. The women of your family are way smarter than you," she jibes. "Jieun is on my side, by the way."
"I'm already scared."
Playfully narrowing her eyes at him, she responds, "You should be." Rubbing his arms comfortingly, she reminds him, "Your mother has you, me, and Jieun. The world can't touch her."
At that, he smiles, not needing to spell his gratitude out with the clear look in his eyes. Seokhyung and his pretty eyes, honestly.
On top of a hill park, they continue to walk side by side, holding hands, gazing at the city nightlights that are drowning out the stars. Minha hums as she listens carefully to the crickets, wanting to etch in her mind what her five senses are receiving right now. The distant sounds. The wonderful sights. The scent of his perfume. The warm feeling of his hand. The sweet taste of a magical ending of a long day. It has been a long day.
"Thank you for staying," Seokhyung tells her, as if reading where her thoughts are straying.
They halt in their steps, a vast nightsky behind them. "Don't do that again, oppa."
"I promise."
"Good," Minha says with an approving nod. Then she recalls something important. "Ah, right. We need to work on something."
"What do you mean?"
"I lied to my mom, you know, so I can keep you."
"What kind of lie is it?"
"That I'm pregnant. If we start now, it won't be that suspicious, right?"
"You what."
"Your mother wants a grandchild, too. You and I love children. We're of age. What are we waiting for? A comet to hit the Earth?"
"Minha —" Seokhyung laughs. He actually does and it's magnificent seeing and hearing him be full of life again. "You and your ideas."
"What are you talking about? It wasn't me who lied to your mom about extending our honeymoon so we can visit Jieun without her."
"She didn't want to see mom back then. They were arguing."
"You still lied."
"Admittedly." The last of his laughter fades into a soft smile. "We should wait just a little bit, until everything is settled."
My bear is, as you can see, slow, Minha thought. "You're really waiting for a comet."
"I don't have to wait for anything celestial." Slipping his arms around her, Seokhyung says, "My entire universe is right here."
But then, he makes up for it — and with a tender kiss at that.
"I hope nobody saw that," Seokhyung whispers with a chuckle, pulling away. He takes her hand again. "Let's go home?"
"Let's go home."
•◦ ❈ The End ❈ ◦•