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The streets of the city were eerily quiet that night. It was snowing and cold, so everyone was probably inside, safe within their homes, and the streetlights cast a warm, comforting glow in the snowy neighborhood. The moon had been full only a couple of nights ago, and although it still seemed quite sinister, Remus knew there was nothing to be afraid of—not for the next few weeks, anyway.
It was good to be back.
Remus opened the front door as quietly as he could. When he stepped in, he saw the light from the living room and heard the radio playing silently. Sirius was most likely awake since he wouldn't be able to sleep under such a sensory overload; he hadn't been able to do that for years, not after becoming an Animagus.
"Hey," Remus greeted as he pulled the door shut behind him.
No answer.
He sighed and felt his facial expression tighten. Sirius' silence rarely promised anything good.
Remus took off his winter cloak as well as his boots and walked through the hallway towards the living room, feeling slightly distressed about what might be waiting for him there. Usually, these kind of welcomes were a warning sign of passive-aggressive and sarcastic Sirius, but one time Sirius had been openly hostile, even threatening, and even though the situation hadn't escalated into a physical one, Sirius had stormed out of the apartment, furious as a hurricane, and hadn’t came back until the next day.
And even though Remus had been in serious need of his own space, he had not been able to enjoy it since he had to be so worried about Sirius, the boy with an unfailing ability to get himself into trouble with official authorities, in the muggle world as well as the Wizarding World, not to mention about his vague companions he tended to gather around himself.
That time he hadn't even taken his wand with him, and although it was possible that it had been just an accident, that he had just forgotten to take it, Remus was quite sure Sirius had done it on purpose, in a self-destructive sense. That time Sirius had only been locked up for one night, but Remus knew he had also been raped once or twice, although the other boy had never admitted it to him.
Remus really wasn't able to deal with Sirius as he was now; the past month with werewolves had been mentally heavy enough. For a fleeting moment, the thought of getting his own rental apartment crossed his mind. It would cost him a lot of money considering how rarely he could spend his time there, but at least it would be his own, and thus he would also have his own peace whenever needed. At Sirius' place, he didn't even have his own bedroom; instead, he usually slept on the sofa in the living room.
But whatever Remus had feared he would face, not this. Never this. He stopped at the doorway of the living room, his eyebrows lifted, eyes wide open, still holding his old, moth-eaten suitcase in his right hand, and just stared in disbelief at the sight across the room.
It was Sirius—but not a passively any more than an actively aggressive Sirius, no, this Sirius was completely new and strange, so new and so strange that if Remus' ability to recognize his loved ones depended mostly on his sense of sight, this first glance would have misled him for sure. But Sirius' scent had already reached his nose in the stairwell—the scent that always reminded Remus of autumn and migratory birds and sorrowful melodies.
This new and strange Sirius was standing in front of the windowsill, his long hair down, partially covering his face. He was wearing a black, short dress that revealed his bony shoulders and thin legs, which he had apparently shaved, and he was dancing slowly in place with a burning cigarette in his right hand and a glass of red wine almost full in his left, from which he was just taking a generous sip. His eyes were closed, and he was bobbing his head to the hazy and melancholic but beautiful sounding music, and when he flicked his hair out of his eyes, Remus could properly see his painted face: deep red, almost black lips, eyes lined with kajal pencil, cheeks colored with blusher. Remus was speechless with shock and, for a moment, could do nothing but stare.
Padfoot seemed to have finally lost his mind for good.
Remus set his suitcase on the floor and walked to Sirius, who still acted as if he were not noticing him. He eyed the windowsill, on which lay one empty and one just opened bottle of wine, an ashtray full of cigarette butts, several empty cigarette packs and one just opened, and Sirius' wand.
"Sirius, what's happened here?" Remus asked as he turned his gaze back to the swaying Sirius, who was currently taking the last breaths from his cigarette. Sirius opened his eyes now, and while he blew smoke through his painted lips, he even looked at Remus for a brief moment, but still said nothing.
"Padfoot?"
Sirius finally stopped. He dropped the cigarette butt into an empty wine bottle; the ashtray was way too full, had been quite a while, to be honest. He swallowed thickly.
"I was just trying on, " Sirius muttered, looking everywhere but Remus' eyes, and turned his back against the windowsill so he could lean against it.
"You were just trying on, " Remus repeated in a gentle, quiet voice, a voice that sounded strange and weird in his own ears. This really was the very first time he saw Sirius like this—not only dressed in women's clothes or wearing make-up, but this fragile, broken, openly sad. Sirius had never shown this side of himself, at least not to Remus. Sirius' sorrow was always veiled in either anger or humor.
"Did you buy this dress, or did you use the transfiguration charm?"
"I bought the makeup", Sirius mumbled and pointed to the coffee table, on which were spread some make-up products, a table mirror, and a women's magazine, on the cover of which was a smiling, motionless muggle woman, whose looks had Sirius most obviously tried to aspire. "As for this," he pulled slightly at the hem of his black dress, "it's my kimono. Yeah, I used a transfiguration charm on it."
"I see, " Remus said, even though he wasn't sure if he really did. "Has something happened?"
Sirius chewed on his lower lip, looking like he was struggling, like he was fighting against himself. Remus remembered they had been in this kind of situation once before, frowned slightly, and asked:
"Is this... is this about James?"
"I fucking kissed him, goddamnit", Sirius blurted out, apparently involuntarily, then squeezed his face into a pained expression and started hitting his temples with his hands, as if he could so make the said things unsaid, the done things undone. Remus' heart sank at the sight. He grabbed Sirius by his wrists to stop him from hurting himself, and the boy didn't squirm in his grip, although he still looked like he was in pain. That was also different compared to normal; usually Sirius only got more provoked if he felt his freedom was being restricted in any way. When he seemed to have calmed down enough not to start violating himself again, Remus released his grip.
"I thought you were over him," he said quietly. It was a lie, though; telling the truth would've felt too arrogant and tactless.
"I thought so too, Moony, " Sirius gasped miserably. "I really thought so, and I wasn't even sad or anything when they told they're going to get married, I really wasn't. But today he just showed up here, completely out of the blue, and he was totally upset, he told me they'd been arguing worse than ever, he and Lily, I mean, and at first he was so furious that I was really afraid of getting punched, but then everything changed, suddenly he was so fragile and sad, and then I... I don't know, I took him in my arms and, well, stroked him, and it felt like it lasted forever, and when he finally calmed down and relaxed there in my arms, I just kissed him, and now I've fucked up everything," Sirius babbled fast and anxiously, took a deep breath, and continued: "I immediately realized I had made a mistake, but it was already too late. James pulled away from me, looking troubled and confused, he didn't really say anything, at least nothing comprehensible. He just left, to Peter's place, I guess," Sirius finished.
Remus closed his eyes for a moment and sighed deeply. What a time to come home.
“And when did this happen?” He asked.
“Earlier today. Afternoon, I think," Sirius said, uneasily running a hand through his hair.
“Have you tried to contact him? With the mirror?”
“I don't think he wants to hear anything from me."
Seeing Sirius like this, it was quite easy for Remus to understand why he had acted so impulsively with James. Remus himself had to gather his last shreds of self-control so that he wouldn't do the exact same thing to Sirius. He couldn't take the risk that they too would end up with an outcome in any way similar, nor he wanted to take advantage of Sirius' current state. His friend needed him strong and stable.
Remus didn't quite understand what kissing James had to do with Sirius' radically changed appearance, though, and was currently pondering how to word that question when Sirius saved him from that.
"Do you think he'd love me if I was a girl?" The question felt like it had escaped his lips without his permission, and realizing what he had uttered, he squeezed his eyes shut and frowned in shame. Sirius had refused to talk about his feelings towards James ever since he had drunkenly confessed them to Remus almost two years ago, when they had been in the latter part of their seventh year at Hogwarts, and even though Sirius' reckless sexual behavior might have suggested the opposite, Remus had been pretty sure that Sirius had never actually gotten over James, not really, and now he had the final confirmation of his doubts.
"I don't know that, Pads. Even if you were, you'd have to compete against Lily, and I'm sure you're aware James had a crush on her since our first grade," Remus answered, his voice choked by the weight of melancholy and compassion. They just stood there for a moment, the radio still playing; apparently, it was charmed to repeat the same song over and over again. The boy in a dress dangled his head, smiling a sad, joyless smile, and Remus was trying to fight against this overwhelming need to touch him, to comfort him, to pull him tightly against his chest and to caress his black, wavy hair.
But when Sirius quickly wiped his eyes so Remus couldn't see the tears, Remus' heart broke even more and he couldn't hold himself back any longer. He stepped right in front of Sirius, placed his hand on his blushed cheek, and grabbed the wand from the windowsill. Sirius lifted his face a little.
"But what I do know..." Remus said quietly, almost whispering, while running the tip of the wand over the other boy's closed eyes, vanishing the dark makeup around them,
"...is that there would be guys waiting in line there..." He let the wand wander over Sirius' cheeks and lips, cleaning them of the excess red,
"...who would love you exactly as you are now..." He tapped Sirius' dress with the wand, and it changed back into an old, familiar kimono,
"...if you only let them", he said, finishing the sentence and then put Sirius' wand back on the windowsill. His left hand was still on Sirius' cheek, a hand that was so gentle and big, and Sirius grabbed it with his own hand, intertwining their fingers together. He slowly rubbed his cheek against Remus' warm palm, and his face seemed relaxed now, his eyes still closed. He sighed quietly, lips parted, then opened his eyes, glaring straight at Remus.
"Would you?" He asked.
"Would I what?"
"Would you love me?"
Would I love you? Remus repeated the question in his mind, disbelief mixed with inappropriate amusement and irritation, and snickered invontularily. Was he really asking that question now? Seriously?
"Oh please Padfoot, this desperation and self-pity don't suit you at all. You don't have to settle for the first person you come across just because your first love chose another. You can do better," Remus said, but his voice was no longer tender or soft but bitter and cold, and he pulled away from Sirius. His throat tightened. He grabbed Sirius's wine glass from the windowsill and poured it full of wine, drank it down, and placed it back a bit aggressively. Sirius stared at him, startled. He had never seen Remus act like this.
Remus wasn't sure if Sirius had forgotten it, but they had once drunkenly kissed during a stupid truth or dare challenge at the end of their fifth year. It wasn't Remus' first kiss, not even the first kiss with a boy, but it had been the first one that had felt anything other than wet, slimy, and forced (as ironic as it was, considering the circumstances). Remus would never forget Sirius' teasing, seductive gaze as he crawled across the floor towards him, nor the way he had pressed his lips against his own, shyly and gently at first, then opened his mouth more so that their tongues could explore each other, and finally put his hand around his neck and pulled him demandingly against him as the greedy kisses kept deepening, until Peter had broken the spell by telling them to get a room and James had burst out laughing. Sirius had smiled his mischievous and most charming smile, winked at Remus, and went back to his place, accompanied by cheers from the other two Marauders and the girls, and Remus, whose cheeks had reddened violently, had to gain all of his willpower to keep his breathing steady.
That was really all that was needed to hook him for good.
At that time, Remus had thought that Sirius liked girls, and no wonder, since Sirius had worked hard to maintain this notion by bragging about his sexual experiences and dating several girls simultaneously, but in reality, he had been in love with James for a long time and pretended to be a ladies' man out of fear of being exposed. It wasn't really about self-loathing, not back then; he was just afraid of losing James. He could've told James about his orientation without confessing his feelings towards him, but he had been too afraid that telling the truth, even a partial one, would've changed something irrevocably between them.
So the play had been allowed to continue, but in the middle of the seventh grade, the situation had escalated when James and Lily started dating and James no longer belonged only to Sirius, as it had always been until then. Sirius became an alcoholic, started to skip classes, and his grades decreased for the first time to almost the same level as Peter's, and finally, in the spring of seventh grade, Sirius couldn't take it anymore. When James and Lily were old on Friday night, hanging out in the living room and almost ready to move to the boys' dormitory to continue their activities, Sirius had gone to get James' invisibility cloak, and when he came back, he had grabbed Remus by the wrist and dragged him out of the portrait hole with him. Under the protection of James' cloak, they had sneaked into Hogsmeade and got themselves drunk.
"I love him, you know," Sirius had said, leaning on his hands, a pained look on his face. "James, I mean."
"I know you do," Remus replied, sipping his firewhiskey. "I love him too. I love you all."
"No, Moony, you don't get it. I'm in love with him. In love."
Remus had known even then he should have felt flattered that Sirius chose to reveal his secret to him. But no one wants to hear their crush loves someone else, not like this—or any other way, for that matter. They had only had that one discussion about the topic and never went back to it after that. The memory still hurt him.
Now, Remus turned his back against the windowsill and leaned against it, standing right next to Sirius. He needed to calm himself down, so he took a cigarette from Sirius' pack and lit it.
"I've tried, you know, " Sirius said after a moment of silence, and grabbed Remus' hand with his own, fondling his fingers tentatively, and Remus allowed him to do that. "I've tried to get over him by seeing other people."
Remus shook his head, considered for a moment whether to say anything, then decided to say it.
"You've been spreading your ass all over the town, but don't you dare lie that it's anything but self-destruction and fear of commitment. You never meet those guys again, you never bring them home."
Sirius fell silent in embarrassment, looking humiliated, and Remus regretted his words immediately. His compassion had quickly turned into bitterness and malice, which wasn't normal to him, not normal at all. He knew it wasn't fair nor reasonable to feel irritated about Sirius not inviting his dates to his home, since Remus surely didn't want to interact with any of them. He knew this wasn't Sirius' fault, not really. It wasn't Sirius he was mad at. He wasn't even mad, to be honest; he was only sad.
Sirius might be stuck with his desperate love for James, but it wasn't like Remus was any better. Maybe Sirius thought Remus was already over it, or maybe he had just forgotten this one, too, but once Remus had confessed his own feelings towards Sirius, had simply got rejected because Sirius couldn't answer them, and Remus could never move forward himself. Life was like that.
"I'm sorry, " Sirius whispered, leaning his head on Remus' shoulder. Remus wrapped his left arm around his friend like a guardian and kept smoking his cigarette. The radio had gone silent, but Remus couldn’t tell when that happened. Giant snowflakes kept falling from the night sky. Remus pressed a soft kiss on Sirius' hair.
"Me too."