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Play the drums. Focus on things you can change, on things you can control. Snare, cymbals and toms don’t have complications. They’re simple as they should be. But there’s a problem with music in general: there’s no way to avoid it to show all your emotions.
Ohm knows this better than anyone.
– Seriously Ohm?! – Pond complains, looking back. – It’s the third time, dude!
– I’m sorry. – It’s their first show in Manilla and they’re rehearsing, but Ohm is totally out of it.
– What’s going on? You never get this wrong, it’s your favorite song to play. – Khaotung says, walking near the drums.
– I don’t know… I guess I’m just distracted. – He says and his eyes go to the venue immediately. He knows exactly what’s going on, but he’s trying his best to keep it low. He can’t say Nanon messes with him that much, even hundreds meters away. Especially when he promised his presence in the tour wouldn’t affect his performance and he would behave.
– Boys, something is wrong? – Nanon’s voice sounds in their earpieces and they all look at the same spot Ohm is looking at. They immediately know what’s going on.
– Not really, P’! – Phuwin answers at the mic. – Ohm needs to pee, we’re gonna have a break.
– Okay, let’s take 15 minutes. Gun, Johnny, I don’t like the sound in the last sector. Let’s fix it. – P’Tay’s voice is the one in their ears now, talking to the staff. Ohm leaves the drums as fast as he can, going straight to the dressing room, like he really wants to go to the bathroom. Truth to be told, he just wants to run away from Nanon. It would be great to run away from his feelings too.
– I don’t understand… You were doing great so far. What’s going on? – War asks when they’re all in the dressing room.
– Look, I’m trying, okay? I just… – He sighs, walking in circles in the room. – Forget. – War notices that he doesn’t talk about it with all the team inside the dressing room.
– P’First, can we stay alone for a while? – He asks the manager, who agrees, walking the makeup artists and costume designers out.
– I guess I know. – Khao says, eating some snacks. – He wasn’t that active in Thailand or Taiwan. P’Tay and P’Por were dealing with us most of the time, but with P’Por sick, he’s the guy in charge after P’Tay.
– Okay, but we knew it could happen. If he can’t focus, we’re gonna be screwed. – Pond says in an annoyed tone.
– Do you think I want to make that many mistakes? Do you think I like that?! – Ohm starts to get nervous.
– I’m not saying you like it, but if you don’t get your shit together…
– Oh, and you’re really good to get your shit together, right, Pond? Almost fucked up the first show and wants to lecture me? Fuck off. – He spits angry and Pond doesn’t turn down. He stands up and points at his friend.
– You knew he’s going to be with us all the tour, you fucking asshole. Don’t cover up your stupid mistakes with mine.
– Stop! It’s not time for that, dumbasses! – War stands and Phuwin pulls Pond next to him. – Ohm, I’m sorry but we need to know if it’s too much for you. You said it wasn’t before, but your performance it’s not the same. If it’s compromising the group, we must have a solution.
– If he says it’s too much, what are we gonna do? Fire Nanon off the tour and face P’Tay’s fury for being without his two main assistants? – Khao asks and Ohm falls on the couch, covering his face.
– I’m not saying it’s too much, I’m just… Shit. – He sighs again, feeling his chest so tight, like he almost can’t breathe. He didn’t ask for this. It shouldn’t be like this. – I’ll work on it, I promise. I don’t want to jeopardize anything or let anyone down. – Ohm says, his voice muffled by his hands.
– We know you don’t. We all need to work on improving and being the best we can be for the tour. But we need to do it as a team, being honest with each other and not pointing fingers. – War says, looking at Pond in the last part. – The tour barely started and we already had too much going on with us. We need to calm down and be as rational as possible. Not only for ourselves but for Reefs too. They’re the main reason why we are here. Don’t forget that.
– You’re right. I’m sorry Ohm. I didn’t mean to come at you like that. – Pond apologizes. – Makes me feel bad to see you like this and can’t help.
– It’s okay. I can’t even help myself. – He gives a sad smile. – Let’s just focus on putting on a great show. – Ohm says, lifting his head and looking at his team, trying to let it go.
– Exactly. We’re all in this together and we’re going to make this tour a success! – War says, excited. – Now, let’s go back to that stage and get everything right.
All the band members leave the dressing room, Ohm being the last of them, walking slowly through the backstage. He can’t believe this is happening and it’s affecting him that much. He should be over it. Nanon doesn’t want him, doesn’t want all the complications he brings and he knows that. So why does it hurt so much? Why does he still think about him and wants him that much? Why does his heart not accept the fact that they can’t be together? Why does his mind keep remembering all the details about Nanon and keep picturing scenarios with him?
Maybe he’s a masochist.
Almost getting to the stage, he meets his personal doom himself. Nanon locks eyes with him and he feels his heart shrink again. He hates how this boy messes with him.
– Are you okay? – Nanon asks, simply, as he would do with anyone. Like Ohm is anyone.
– Hm. – He agrees and gets on the stage, going straight to the drums again, without saying a word but with a lot in his mind.
The main thing: He’s not okay.
[...]
– Thank you, Phillipines! – Phuwin screams, while they are greeting everyone, walking on stage. – We hope to see you soon! Thank you!
– We love you, Reefs! WE LOVE YOU! – Khao also screams and they gather together at the center of the stage to bow formally and say the final thanks.
– Thank you so much! We are RainbowFish! – They link hands and take a bow, with the crowd screaming even more. They get out of the stage, extremely exhausted, getting water bottles and towels on their way to the dressing room. Even with all the troubles, they made it. One more show is done.
Being on stage is amazing, but getting off knowing they did their best is even better.
– SHOWER! – Pond screams when they get to the dressing room, making the staff laugh.
– No, no! We must take the picture first! Come! – Khao says, pulling him. They always take a picture after every show and post it on social media, as most bands and groups. They’re all sitting on the small couch, War laying over the other four. One of them is always laying down, making it fun for Reefs to wonder who it will be. They do funny poses and after five pictures the staff say they’re free. They thank everyone before getting up.
– Yes! Shower! – Pond says, taking off his clothes, giving them to one of the dressers and dressing his own clothes, picking up his things to go as fast as possible to the hotel.
– Who sees you acting like this would even think you like to shower! – Ohm mocks him, who screams a swear, making everyone laugh.
– I bet you miss being his roommate! – Phuwin says while taking his shoes off.
– Are you insane? Khao doesn’t cry every night because of his love life! I’m in paradise!
– Instead, I have to hear him crying. – Khao answers, while taking his makeup off.
– Hey, I don’t cry every night! – Ohm protests, but everyone just laughs.
– Alright, alright. – War says, standing up from the couch. – Talking about it… You did great at both shows. I was worried at the beginning, but… You’re a pro, my friend. – War gave him a thumbs up, making the others laugh. Ohm smiles, trying to take the compliment without thinking deeply, but it’s almost impossible.
– I try, you know.
– You’re amazing, Ohm. We just avoid telling you that so we don’t have to get you back from the atmosphere with your inflated ego. – Phuwin says and everybody laughs again.
– You always say as if I'm bragging about my skills, when I’m not. – He says, also changing his clothes. – Okay, I’m ready. Can we go?
– Boys, we’re dividing you in two cars for security measures. Who wants… – P’Leo starts, but is interrupted.
– Khao, Ohm, let’s go. – War says fast, the other two following him as fast as they can. – No way I’m going with one of them. – He laughs while they’re walking in the hallway.
– Or worse: go with both of them! – Khao says and they just make disgusting sounds. Almost arriving at the last hallway to where their car is parked, War just stops before bumping into someone.
– I’m sorry. – Nanon says in a low tone, his hands full of equipment. – Going already?
– Yeah. – War just says simply, while Ohm passes through, following his way to the car. Khao shrugs at both of them and follows his friend. – Ahn…
– No, don’t worry. Just… I know. I understand. – Nanon says, visibly sad.
– You do? – War looks at him, surprised.
– Yeah. You’re worried about Ohm. I’ve been there too. – Nanon says, trying to smile .
– You have? – War asks, his curiosity piqued.
– Yeah. We were friends for many years before… things got complicated. He’s a great guy, but sometimes he doesn’t realize how much he means to people. – Nanon says, looking down at his feet.
– I know. He’s like that with us too. But as friends, the only thing we can do is to always be there for him. – War says, obviously taking his friend’ side in this… whatever this is.
– Yeah. I know. See you tomorrow. – Nanon says softly, before turning around and walking away. War watches him go, wondering what exactly happened or it’s still going on between him and Ohm .
As the car departs, War can see Ohm through the window, his head resting on the glass, looking out at the passing scenery. He looks so lost and distant that he can’t help but worry. He decides to break the silence and talk to him.
– Hey, you okay? – He asks, his voice gentle.
– Yeah, just tired. – Ohm says, not even turning his head to look at War.
– You sure? I mean, we know…
– I will have to get over it at some point, won’t I? I just need to get used to it. Sorry, maybe it will take a while.
– Ohm, please… I’m not asking to just be in your best mood after seeing the guy you’re in love with for I don’t know how long. It would be stupid to ask you that. – The leader says, looking at him. – I’m saying that we don’t want you to isolate yourself in bad feelings. You can talk to us if you need and want to. We’re friends, we’re family. – Ohm nods, finally turning his head to face War.
– I know, and I appreciate it. I really do. – He says, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. – It's just...hard, you know? Seeing him again and realizing that my feelings haven't gone away. It's like...I'm stuck in this place, and I don't know how to move on. – War nods sympathetically and Khao appears from the backseat.
– But you will move on, eventually. It'll take time, but you'll get there. As we all did at some point. – He says, messing with his roommate's hair. – In the meantime, we're here for you. Whatever you need. Even if what you need it’s a kick in the ass for you to act normal again. – Ohm laughs, a genuine sound that War and Khao haven't heard in a while. It's good to see him smile, even if it's just a little.
They continue talking and laughing, trying to distract Ohm from his thoughts until they reach the hotel. I t's not hard to forget someone you love, they all know that. Especially when this someone is spending a lot of time with them. But, as hard as it seems, Ohm knows he must do it. For his band, for himself. He knows that keeping attached to his feelings for Nanon will only make things worse.
They exit the car and head to their rooms, ready to rest before the next show. As Ohm lays in bed, his mind tricks him again and he can't help but think about Nanon and what could have been if things were different. What if he was not famous? What if he’s not even a musician but some ordinary guy with an ordinary office job? Maybe Nanon would consider being with him then? Maybe they would be together now and he would be waiting for him to finish this tour in some tiny apartment in Bangkok.
He shakes his head. It's pointless to think about what could have been. He needs to focus on what is and what he can do. Without what-ifs and maybes, he just needs to focus on the present and the future. He loves music, loves performing, loves his band and his fans. He can't imagine his life without it.
He needs to let go of Nanon and move on.
Ohm gets up and starts packing for the flight to Korea. They’ll have a couple “free days” there before the show . He puts a random playlist to play while he’s packing and Kings of Leon starts, making him feel good. He's lost in the melody and almost finishing his luggage when there's a knock on his door.
– Hey, Ohm. – Khao enters the room, probably one of the guards opened for him. – You want to come hang out with us in Phuwin's room? We wanna stop them from having sex, so we’re watching some movies and ordering food. – He says with a smile and Ohm can’t avoid smiling too. He considers it for a moment. He's not really in the mood for socializing, but he knows it's better than being alone with his thoughts.
– Sure, I'll be there in a few minutes. Let me just close this.
– Nice! I will get ice. – Khao leaves and Ohm picks up his phone before heading to Pond and Phuwin’s room.
As he enters, he's greeted by the sound of laughter and the smell of pizza. Maybe being with his bandmates is exactly what he needs right now.
[...]
– What are you planning to do in Korea?
– Shopping. My skincare products are almost finished now. – Ohm answers and Khaotung looks at him.
– I guess I’m gonna ask you to bring the things Mix asked and save my time. – Ohm shrugs. – I wanna go to the amusement park. War probably is gonna visit a famous studio potter, as always. – He continues and they laugh, knowing their friend’s love for clay.
– Predictable. – Pond says.
– Just like you, who will probably try to drag Phuwin to Namsan and put a lock there. – Khao says and Phuwin laughs really hard.
– He just said that yesterday! – He says and everyone laughs. – I’m sorry babe, but you did!
– Of course he did! – War says, all of them laughing.
– Yeah, keep laughing at my romantic side. – Pond complains and Phuwin holds his waist, trying to sugarcoat his boyfriend.
– You can’t blame us for mocking you. You knew it from the first moment that we would do it! On tour, we’re closer than ever, so… – Ohm says, grabbing another hand of snacks.
– Don’t even talk about it. I never thought being on tour would be so disgusting. – Khao says, making some nauseous sounds and everyone laughs.
– You’re so ridiculously jealous. – Phuwin says, laughing. – Just turn on your dating apps there, get someone and leave us alone.
– You know what? I guess you’re right. – Ohm says, a mischievous glint in his eyes. – I'm gonna buy my products and then, I will just go with the flow. Maybe do some sightseeing, try some street food, and who knows, maybe meet a cute Korean guy or girl. I deserve it. Who the f*ck is Nanon? – The others burst into laughter , even knowing he’s just saying that but not reeling meaning it.
– Hey, as long as you don't cause any scandals that will end up in the tabloids, go for it. – Khao says, laughing.
– Agree. – Pond adds.
– Don't worry, I'll be on my best behavior. – Ohm says with a wink.
– But of course the best thing will be the shows and our Reefs. I’m excited to meet them, honestly. And to rock that stage, just like we always do. – War says, smiling in a cute way.
– The adrenaline rush before stepping on stage, the energy from the crowd, the feeling of performing together as a band… It's just something you can't replicate anywhere else. – Phuwin says and everyone agrees.
– I guess that’s why we've been doing this for almost eight years. We’re kinda addicted to this adrenaline. – Khao says.
– I’m really glad we’re doing this together. Maybe it wouldn’t be that great if it wasn’t with you. – Pond says and Phuwin gives him a little kiss on the cheek.
– We've been through so much, and we've grown so much. – War says. – I'm proud of how far we've come.
– Yeah, and we've still got so much more to accomplish. – Ohm says, simply.
– To our brightest future. – War raises his glass, smiling to the others. They all cheer and raise their glasses, toasting. Ohm takes a sip of his drink. Maybe he can't change his feelings for Nanon, but he can focus on the present and the people who support and love him.
– I really love you, guys.
– Oh no, you’re already drunk? That’s so cringe. – Khao complains and everyone laughs. It’s incredible how the tension from earlier is completely forgotten now.
– Oh please, I'm just feeling sentimental. – Ohm says, mockingly placing a hand over his heart.
– Sentimental or not, we love you too, Ohm. – Phuwin says, sending a mini heart to him.
– I don’t. – Pond says and Ohm shows him his middle finger. – Where’s the love? – They're laughing again and Ohm just looks around a bit. They're just five ordinary guys sharing a dream. It's so weird like many people all over the world want to see them, to talk or touch them, but at the end of the day, out of stage, cameras off, they're just… them. They fight, they laugh, they cry, they're trying their best to coexist, just like any siblings. Ohm is closer to them than to his own brother, so this is really meaningful. They've also been through a lot. Many resistances, many critics, they were mocked, ridiculed. Not counting his scandal, Pond and Phuwin's relationship or anything like that.
For him, this is forever. Their friendship, their brotherhood, their partnership.
RainbowFish is forever.