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Barney saw Leon standing there across the library, a wave of relief flooding from him as he walked in with the rest of the party and made eye contact. His face lit up, a shine in his eyes as he ran down the hall. “Leon!” He yelled as he sprinted.
“Hey Bar-OUGH!” Leon yelped as Barney jumped up and threw his arms around Leon’s neck, holding him tight and shoving his head in Leon’s shoulder, dampening his shirt with a minuscule amount of tears that he would later deny. Leon tentatively put an arm around Barney’s back carefully. “God, I’m so glad you’re ok.” Barney muttered into the fabric of his cheap t-shirt before letting go and slinging an elbow over Leon’s neck, pulling him down slightly below his eye level. “You scared the shit out of me bro, do you know how worried I was?” Barney asked, their gazes locked as he searched Leon’s expression, who was stunned by the information Barney was throwing at him. “I was so scared, dude, I thought, I thought I lost you and I can’t-” Barney sighed before continuing, “Don’t you know how much I care about you, man? I-”
He stopped himself from rambling as he looked at Leon, who had the same empty headed soft smile he normally carried, with a touch of pink across his cheeks and ears. Barney then noticed how inherently suggestively close their faces were and felt his face burn at the implication he’d accidentally created, before he pulled Leon’s head down farther down with his elbow to give him a noogie. “Ow, stop it, Barney!” Leon chuckled out as Barney’s knuckles rubbed against his skull. “Don’t you ever do something like that again! You hear me?” Barney jokingly quipped while Leon laughed and tried to push Barney off of him.
Tim elbowed Eugene gently to get his attention, the two of them watching the reunion in front of them. Tim made a questioning expression, his eyes flickering between Barney and Leon before looking back to Eugene, asking a silent question and trying to get a second opinion. Eugene thought for a moment, as he didn’t want to “out” Barney per se, but it’s not like the boy man was very self aware of the heavily romantic nature of his friendship with Leon, and Eugene knew that Tim was a decent guy who meant no ill will. Eugene simply shrugged and nodded slightly, making an ‘eh, probably’ expression.
Barney let Leon stand back up fully as he removed his arm and turned to the rest of the group, asking, “Y’all hungry? I definitely think we deserve to get pizza after that shit show.”
“What about your family dinner thing tonight?” Eugene reminded him.
Barney’s expression shifted into a dread that only mothers can instill. “Oh fuck, give me a minute,” he said while pulling his phone up. After a very long and loud conversation with his mom over the phone, where everyone could awkwardly overhear his mom berate him for not telling her about how many people he had just spontaneously decided to invite, Barney announced that they would be meeting up with the rest of CRUDSOAP at the Dominos, where his family was joining and his mom had insisted that she would pay for Barney’s “new friends’” meals. They all piled into Eugene’s car, and drove northeast to their destination.
When they pulled into the parking lot, there stood Sheryl, Cletus, and Clement Baruch outside of the restaurant, different emotions flashing across their faces when they recognized Barney in the backseat. Eugene parked, and everyone awkwardly piled out, waving half heartedly until Barney emerged from the car and Clement ran to him, and punched him square in the stomach. “OOFH! Jeez Louise, Clem-” Barney wheezed, folding in half horizontally, more from shock than pain as Clement wrapped her arms over his neck, pulling him down tightly for a hug, as their mom reprimanded her actions with a shrill “Clement Baruch!” Barney reciprocated the hug as he said, “Y’know, you could have just asked me to bend down.” Clem swiped the baseball cap off his head and confidently put it on her curly mop of hair before roughly petting Barney’s head to mess his greasy hat-hair. “Yeah but socking you in the gut like old times is much more fun. How’re y’doing?” She asked, giving him a once over, “Still haven’t cut the hair, I see.” Barney rolled his eyes and put a hand to his puffed out chest in faux haughtiness. “It’s a look I’m going for,” he lied, as they both knew that laziness was the only reason he hadn’t changed it. Clement winced and replied, “Yeah, and it’s not a good one,” which elicited a snort from Tim behind them. Barney’s attention was turned back onto his friends as he turned around. “Oh yeah,” he said, smiling proudly, “Let me introduce y’all to some of my friends and vice versa.”
“Friends,” Barney started, turning to face his fellow CRUDSOAP members, making a wide motion with his arms gesturing to his present family members, “These are my folks, my pops Cletus, my momma Sheryl and my big sister Clement.” He turned around and started from left to right, gesturing to his friends as he went along.
“Momma, Pops, Clem, y’all remember Coach Scully from high school.” Tim gave a polite nod as Barney kept introducing people. “This here is Doctor Francium Lyse, he works at the hospital in analyzing tissue samples and such, he’s quite the scientific wiz.” Dr. Lyse flustered a bit at the praise and gave a small bow “It’s nice to meet you all,” he muttered. Barney boisterously continued “Dad, you know Crump Wymond-Donovan from working at the shop.” Crump gave a small upwards nod to Cletus that was returned. Barney patted Eugene on the back as he said, “This swell fella is the guy who helped me out of a rock and a hard place last Friday night, Eugene Fabre. He’s a local park ranger, and this is his daughter Casey.” He said, as Casey practically bounced up and announced, “It’s a pleasure to meet you!” as she shook the hands of the Baruch’s enthusiastically.
Barney gestured towards a pale woman standing stiffly, “This is his friend named A.M.P.S., it’s said and spelled the same way as the musical device, and she’s real strong.” He motioned with his pointer and middle finger between the couple back and forth, “This is Bartholomew Moore and his girlfriend Gorgonzola, they run the town’s library.” Barth bowed deeply with a dramatic arm flare. “It is an honor to meet the members of the house of Baruch, may our alliance be plentiful.” Gorgonzola rolled her eyes at him lovingly, before saying, “I’m sorry about him, it’s nice to meet you.”
Barney turned to his last introduction and his heart sank a little when he was reminded of his parent’s dislike for his best friend. “And well uh, momma and pops, you already know him, but Clem this is Leon Sorkawitz, he goes to Alpine College.”
A smug smile started to crawl across Clement’s face that morphed into an expression that only an older sibling can hold. “Oh, you’re Leon? Y’know, Barney has told me so much about you.”
“Clem!” Barney shot back hissing through his teeth. Leon looked a bit embarrassed as he sputtered out, “He, he has?”
“Oh yeah, he’s always talking about you. Leon this, Leon that, yada yada yada.” Clem said while making a ‘blah blah blah’ motion with a hand before she continued, “You guys seem to be close, that’s good. Barney’s never been quite good with making or keeping friends. In fact, through pretty much all of high school he practically-”
“Okay!” Barney interrupted, standing in between his sister and friend. Leon seemed to have been listening intently to Clem’s anecdotes with a delighted expression that everyone but Barney could read like a billboard. “Thank you, Clement, for the wonderful reminder of my youth,” Barney remarked dryly, “Now can we please all go in and order?”
They all walked in as Casey held the door open for everyone enthusiastically. Evan Harris was working at the register, and sighed deeply at seeing the large crowd enter the restaurant dreading the order he’d have to put in, but softened a bit when he noticed the people within it. “Coach Scully! Large group you’ve got there, family reunion?” Evan asked. Tim looked mildly repulsed at the notion. “Oh no, this is their family dinner,” he said, pointing a thumb over his shoulder to the Baruchs, “I’m just a guest.” Evan nodded, before asking, “Well, what can I get for you all today?”
Cletus turned to the rest of the group and replied, “Well I’m not going to take out a loan for this outing, so no one is getting more than half a pie, got it? If you want something besides just cheese or pepperoni, figure it out with someone else about what half of the pizza you’re gonna do.”
This simple prompt led to an almost 20 minute long pizza topping discussion where people were pairing up with someone nearby as they debated what to put on their half. Feeling adventurous, Casey said she’d eat any kind of pizza and would just eat stray slices from other’s pies, while A.M.P.S. insisted that she wasn’t hungry at all and would be fine without anything. After ordering and getting their pizzas, which was a whole nother ordeal in itself, the party pushed two of the large tables together so that everyone could sit down, while passionate discussion about pizza toppings continued.
“I can’t believe you actually like anchovies,” Barth said, still bewildered by Tim’s order, enjoying a slice of his pepperoni pizza. “I thought ordering anchovies on a pizza was only something that happened in movies when they try to make something gross.” Tim’s expression remained neutral as he continued to chew before he shrugged a bit defensively and said, “It’s good, I know it’s not for everyone but I like it.”
“At least anchovies are meat,” Barney added on, arms crossed as he huffed, “Meat belongs on pizza, not fruit you sick b-” He was pointed accusingly at Leon, insult prepared, yet as he was about to curse he felt his mom glaring at him from across the table and quickly corrected himself, “you sick freak.”
Leon made a smug pout as he said, “But it’s so good!” He kicked his feet under the table and jovially whined, “It’s so tastyyyyy,” drawing out the last word for emphasis. Barney glowered at Leon as he remarked, “You’re lucky that I like hanging out with you n’ that we agree on so many other things, or else I might seriously reconsider my friendship with you if you keep having bad opinions like this.” Leon shrugged happily, making an ‘oh well’ expression as he greedily grabbed another slice of Hawaiian pizza, the cheese stretching out and staying connected to the pie, creating a long string.
“Alright,” piped up Sheryl, a pack of index cards shuffling in her hands, “Now that everyone’s settled in and gotten their food, let’s play some ice breakers!” Clem and Barney both groaned in unison, “Ugggh Momma, noooooo!” as Clem’s face fell into her hands and Barney facepalmed, dragging his hand across his face to make a dreadful expression.
Sheryl whipped her head around and glared at her husband, silently asking for support. “Kids,” Cletus barked out, “Listen to your mom. We’re doing icebreakers whether you like it or not.” Barney and Clem sighed in defeat as the awkward game of icebreakers began.
After many hours of long winded tangents that were spurred from the questions and many skipped questions from about a fourth of the table, Evan informed the group that they were set to close, and that they had to leave. Everyone said their goodbyes, and walked or drove home. Eugene was nice enough to give Leon a ride back to campus, which Barney appreciated greatly. Finally their day had returned slightly normal. They were all ok, everyone was safe and accounted for, and no one was in peril. They all enjoyed their thankfully peaceful rest.