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Himari stared at Tomoe as she swept the sweat off of her brow when the song ended.
She had been doing that a lot lately. That being staring at Tomoe.
It totally wasn’t her fault. Tomoe was just so… attractive. Not in a romantic way! Because Tomoe was her best-friend and friends didn’t think of each other like that. She was magnetic in a Tomoe way.
It was just so easy to look at her. All red hair and jade eyes and muscles that tensed as she drummed away. Not that Himari thought she was pretty… It wasn't that she wasn’t pretty either, she was pretty! In a friend way! Just like Himari could realize Ran and Moca and Tsugumi were pretty, Tomoe was pretty.
Very pretty.
“Himari? You with us?” Ran asked and Himari realized she had lost the intro.
“Uh… yeah! I’m totally fine. Never been finer. I just- uh… spaced out?” God. She was rambling.
“Then come back to Earth, Hii-chan. Otherwise we’re going to lose you to outer space.” Moca teased, a giggle coming out of her mouth.
“Sorry! Can we start again?”
Ran just nodded.
“5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”
She had had this persistent cough for a few weeks now. It was just a cold, she thought. It’s flu season, she reasoned. Oh boy, how she was wrong.
The petals came one night while she was supposed to be studying chemistry.
In reality, she was scrolling through Tomoe’s instagram for… reasons. Reasons being Tomoe was her totally platonic friend that she felt nothing other than totally platonic affection over. And she was pretty. (In a friendly way, obviously).
Then, just as she opened a picture from Tomoe on the beach with Ako, a cough racked through her body. She bent forward, hands coming up to her mouth. When everything stopped, there was a sweet taste on her tongue.
Slowly, very, very, slowly, she stuck her tongue out and picked up the foreign object from it.
It was a small white petal.
Shit.
She went to Ichigaya Arisa.
It was weird, they weren't friends. Barely acquaintances. She didn’t know anyone else that was into gardening.
Well, there was Ran. But… she was Ran. It’s not that Himari was a terrible liar, she just wasn’t good at it either. Ran would see straight through her. And then what? They would want to know why she was coughing up flowers and would get all worried. It was probably just a fluke, anyway. A petal was nothing to worry about, right?
“So, you want me to identify a flower by its petals?” Arisa asked, brow raised.
“Yeah.”
“Can I ask why?”
“Uh… you see, there’s this, uh… bush thing near my house, right? I can’t reach the actual flowers, but there are always a bunch of petals on the floor. And I find them really pretty, so…”
“I mean, I can try, but there's no guarantee.”
“Thanks anyway, Ichigaya-san!” She said and took the petal out of her uniform’s breast pocket. Arisa picked it up and examined it with surprising seriousness.
“Uhm… It could be a daisy. Or an aster. Or a cineraria. Or… I’m sorry, Uehara-san, but I can’t identify it just by this petal alone.”
Himari tried to conceal her disappointment.
"It 's fine! I’ll see if I can try and get you one of the flowers.” Arisa smiled.
“Please do, I’m curious now too.”
Himari tried to not think of the implications of what getting a full fledged flower would be and smiled back.
The coughing, much to her dismay, did not stop.
The petals wouldn’t always come, sometimes it was just a fit and a bittersweet taste on the back of her mouth. She learned to get used to it. Her closest friends and bandmates did not.
“Himari, are you sure you are okay?” Tsugumi asked one day, seemingly out of nowhere.
They were having lunch on the roof, as always, and Himari had just come back from the bathroom after another coughing episode. She didn’t always leave for her fits, but today she had felt something lodged on the back of her throat since English class and knew that, when the coughing came, there would be a petal with it. She was right, but even if she wasn’t, it was better to be safe than sorry.
“Yes! Sure am! Why the question?”
“Because it’s almost like you suddenly acquired a smoker's cough, Hii-chan. You didn’t start smoking behind our backs, did you?” Moca said jokingly, stuffing another piece of bread in her mouth.
“WHAT?! No, no, no, no. I just… have a sore throat?”
“Was that a question?” Ran pointed out, her eyebrows furrowed.
“It wasn’t a question! I’m completely fine, pinky promise.” And then her body decided to betray her by starting another coughing fit.
Tomoe, who was sitting the closest to her, rubbed circles on her back until the coughing stopped. “You really don’t seem that good. Have you tried some throat pellets?” The red haired girl asked when Himari was able to breathe without choking on her own spit (and the damned petals).
“Pellets are not going to work for a smoker’s cough~”
“Moca!” Both Tsugumi and Himari reprimanded her at the same time.
“What? It 's the truth!”
And then, just like that, concern for Himari’s coughing was replaced by banter regarding the possibility of Uehara having started smoking behind their backs.
(Moca was adamant she had, Ran had no opinion and both Tsugumi and Tomoe jumped to her defense, Himari could only be grateful no one had the right suspicions).
Haneoka’s most popular student was definitely Seta Kaoru, there was no denying that. Haneoka’s second most popular student was, of course, Udagawa Tomoe. In fact, some would even say that Tomoe was on par with Kaoru, though Himari (who was her friend and nothing more) would disagree. Kaoru was like a Goddess from Heaven, meanwhile Tomoe was much more tangible, much more human.
But, being Haneoka second most popular, Tomoe had her own fan-club and admirers. So what if Himari thought she was pretty? A bunch of others would also agree. This meant nothing.
Yes, absolutely nothing.
It was the weekend, exactly one month after she coughed the first petal, and Himari was bored to hell and back. At the same time, she had no will to go out and do something, so she propped herself up on her bed and started scrolling through social media.
Cute videos of small animals.
Fashion tips.
Interesting recipes.
And…
Tomoe and Saaya?
She had been scrolling pretty fast, barely paying any attention to the feed, so Himari only caught a glimpse of the photo. She backtracked and, sure enough, it was a picture of Saaya and Tomoe at a park posted only half an hour ago. The caption was a small heart.
For some reason her heart hurt at the thought of Tomoe spending time with someone else, Yamabuki Saaya of all people. She remembered they even did a wedding photoshoot a while back, so she figured they were pretty close to each other, definitely more than acquaintances. The caption also hinted as much. Hearts were reserved for close people, after all.
It wasn’t fair. Sure, Tomoe was entitled to have other friends, to spend time with whoever she wanted. But… Shouldn’t Himari, her oldest friend, be her first choice? Tomoe knew Himari was free today, so why invite Saaya and not her to go out? It wasn’t fair at all.
Almost as if she had been possessed, Himari exited the app and went to her contacts. She didn’t even need to scroll to find Tomoe’s number, it being pinned alongside her parents and sister’s phone numbers. Her fingers hovered over the screen for a while, should she call? There was no reason, really, except that she actually hoped that photo was old and not from today. Yes, she would call, Tomoe would be at home and then they would be able to hang out.
She pressed on her contact info and started a call.
Pressing the phone against her ear, Himari waited as it rang and rang and rang. Could Tomoe be sleeping? It was four in the afternoon, so perhaps she was taking a nap and-
“Hello?”
“Tomoe!”
“Hey! Why are you calling so suddenly? Did something happen?”
“No, nothing! I just… I was wondering if you’d like to come over so we can watch a movie or something?”
“Ah, I’d love to…” Ha! She knew it, she was still Tomoe’s favorite. “...But I’m out with Saaya right now.” Oh.
“Ah, I see. Then enjoy yourselves, we can watch the movie some other time!”
“Sure.”
“Bye!”
“Bye.” Tomoe disconnected and Himari let the phone fall on her lap.
Of course Tomoe would be too busy hanging out with Saaya to give her attention. Of course the picture wasn’t old. Of course-
Another coughing fit racked her body and Himari instinctively put her hands in front of her mouth. The sweet taste of a petal soon bloomed on her tongue, though this time something was amiss. Why was she feeling the presence of more than one foreign object in her mouth?
Doing the all familiar motion of sticking out her tongue, Himari soon discovered the reason . She hadn’t coughed one or two petals, but three .
Crap. Just… Crap.
Ever since she coughed more than one petal, her coughing fits were never the same as they once were. Not only they grew more intense, they also started happening more frequently. Before, Himari would cough once or twice a day, if she was particularly unlucky, but suddenly she was coughing once or twice per period of time. Morning, afternoon, evening, night. She coughed up petals at least six times a day on average, it was getting harder to hide.
Then, because Himari must have done something horrible in her previous life, at night during Cram School she coughed not once or twice, but thrice. The first was too sudden to ask to go to the bathroom, the second was right in time and the third time the teacher didn’t let her go out of the room, claiming she had already used the bathroom recently.
Still, as she sat on the back, she thought no one had noticed it. It was easy to slip the multitude of petals on the breast pocket of her uniform and pretend nothing was disturbing her. Or so she thought.
“Himari-san? Can I talk to you for a moment?” The person calling her was her friend, Ushigome Rimi. They were pretty close, considering that they both were premium members of the Kaoru fan-club.
“Sure! What is it?” Himari slung her backpack straps over both shoulders and walked towards Rimi’s table.
“Arisa told me a funny story the other day.”
“Oh, really?” Himari didn’t see what this had to do with anything, but maybe Rimi had noticed she wasn’t in the best of moods and wanted to cheer her up.
“Yes. She said, and I quote: ‘Uehara-san asked me if I could identify a flower solely by its petals because she can’t get hold of the actual flowers. I didn’t question her, but I was kinda curious since she seemed really invested in it. I mean, even if she can’t pluck out one of the flowers it should be easy to take a picture, right?’ And I had no idea of why you wouldn’t take a picture too, until it crossed my mind that perhaps you had no idea of what the flowers looked like because you had only seen its petals. Which, let’s admit, is pretty weird. Unless, say, the reason you only have access to its petals is because you’re coughing them.” Himari paled.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“No? Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then… I supposed you wouldn’t mind if I asked to see what is making your breast pocket lumpy, right?” Oh, crap, crap, crap. Himari had about ten or more petals there and no reasonable explanation as to why.
“Uhm… Well, you see… You wouldn’t do that because it’s an invasion of privacy?”
“You know, Himari, the first step in solving a problem is admitting you have one.” Himari nodded.
“I’ll keep that in mind. Well, see you around, Rimi.” Rimi smiled, it didn’t reach her eyes.
“See you around.”
Himari almost pretended to be sick so she could skip Cram School the next day. Unfortunately, she had band practice with Afterglow and if she were to be too sick to study then she would also have to be too sick to play music. She didn’t think it was that extreme of a case, anyway.
She was wrong.
Himari arrived just in time for the lesson to start, and, as such, Rimi had no chances to speak to her, though she could feel the other girl shooting her glances throughout the lesson. The moment the teacher finished speaking, Himari was already packed and ready to go, so when the class was dismissed she made a beeline for the door. Rimi, somehow, was faster.
“Himari.”
“Rimi! It’s nice to see you but my parents are waiting for me at home so I need to get going and-”
“I’ll walk with you.”
“Yes, you’ll walk with- Wait, what?” Rimi smiled.
“I think we have some things to discuss.”
Himari, who was as pale as a sheet of paper, nodded and let Rimi drag her to the entrance of the Cram School.
“So… I did some research.”
“About what, exactly?” Rimi stared at her in a way that showed that playing dumb wouldn’t help. Himari swallowed her own saliva.
“Hanahaki is the product of unrequited love, though I bet you already knew that.”
“Yeah…”
“The victim starts coughing petals, then flowers, then flowers with stems and, at the last stage, their lungs are so full of flowers and its roots that they die of asphyxiation. There are two known treatments so far: Confessing or getting a surgery to forcefully remove the flowers. But, the surgery, for an unknown reason, also kills the feelings for the person who is the subject of the unrequited love, so it’s a tad controversial.” It wasn’t anything Himari hadn’t already known about. She had done her own research when it became clear the petals weren’t just a one time thing.
“I see.”
“So, you should either confess or get the surgery.”
“I can’t confess.”
“Why not?”
“I… I don’t even know for whom I am coughing these damned petals.”
“Oh, so you’re in denial.”
“What!? No! I just… It’s probably a fluke.”
“And how long does this… Fluke has been lasting?” Himari averted her eyes, embarrassed.
“Almost two months…”
“So, not a fluke.”
“Still! What can I do?”
“Well, you could stop denying your feelings for whoever it may be and confess or… Take the easy way and get the surgery. It’s a pretty simple affair from what I’ve read, so I think you would be able to do it and even get discharged on the same day.”
“And risk losing my feelings for someone I don’t even know who is?”
“If you really don’t know, losing your feelings won’t hurt too much, right? I mean, it’s not like they make a big enough impact in your life anyway, since you don’t even know who it is.”
Himari didn’t know what to say, so she kept quiet.
“Well, think about it, okay? You don’t have to go through this alone, Himari.” Rimi said and patted her on the arm, a small smile on her face. Himari did her best to reciprocate.
Everything was blurry, like she had her eyes open underwater. Himari looked around frantically, but the sight didn’t change. Blurry. Blurry. Blurry. Blur- Tomoe. Tomoe was there and she was in focus.
Himari opened her mouth to try and call for her friend, but the words died in her throat when the person by Tomoe’s side also became focused. It was Yamabuki Saaya and both of them were holding hands. It made her heart hurt.
Of course they would be holding hands. Saaya was Tomoe’s new best-friend, wasn’t she? Going to parks together and probably doing sleepovers and whatnot. Himari was about to get replaced and she knew it .
This didn’t make the heartbreak of seeing the following scene unfold before her eyes any less harsh: Tomoe and Saaya were whispering something to each other, probably about how they were the best of friends or the like. But, as their faces got closer and closer Himari suddenly realized they weren’t holding hands anymore. Instead, Tomoe had her hands on Saaya’s wais and Yamabuki had her arms crossed behind Udagawa’s neck. They were going to…
No, no they were going to. They were kissing.
It was a messy affair, with hair pulling and Tomoe’s hands wandering places they shouldn’t. Himari didn’t realize when she started crying but tears were streaming down her face like a waterfall.
Then, they stopped.
Tomoe turned her head until she was staring straight through Himari and whispered: “I will never love you.”
Himari…
Himari woke up gasping for air. There was something on her throat blocking her airways and she gasped and choked until a wet thing came barreling out of her mouth. She blinked away the tears on her eyes and stared at the floor. There was a small white flower on the floorboards, its petals speckled with blood.
Oh.
Despite her best efforts, the tears came back, though this time it wasn’t because there was anything lodged on her throat. She was just sad. Sad because, even though she had told Rimi a mere week ago she had no idea to whom the flowers belonged, she knew now. And, just like dream-Tomoe had said, she would never love Himari the way she wanted to be loved. They were friends, just that. Crap, if they managed to remain best-friends despite Saaya’s presence, Himari would count it as a win.
With a sigh, she picked up the flower covered in spit and blood and did her best job drying it on her covers. When she saw she was just making a bigger mess, she tiptoed to the bathroom and got a generous amount of toilet paper. First, she did her best to dry the flower without damaging it, putting it away on the breast pocket of her school blazer. Then, she cleaned the floor. She also tried to wipe away the speckles of blood that stained her duvet, though that was to no avail. Lastly… Lastly, she cried some more.
Himari didn’t manage to go back to sleep. Every time she closed her eyes the image of Tomoe and Saaya kissing popped up, making the pink-haired girl tremble. Instead, she got up at five in the morning, dressed herself and, skipping breakfast and all, headed directly to Hanasakigawa’s Girls High School.
She had to wait for an hour and a half at the gates before she finally saw who she was looking for: Ichigaya Arisa. She waved at the blonde and waited patiently as Arisa walked towards her.
“Ichigaya-san!”
“Uehara-san, good morning. May I ask what brings you here?”
“Well, I finally managed to get hold of one of those flowers I spoke about to you last time!” Himari said, a smile on her face. She was trying her best to mask her panic by pretending to be her usual cheery self and, since Arisa didn’t even look twice at her, she thought it must be working.
“Oh, I see. May I have a look?”
“Sure! Just a heads up, it’s kinda crumpled because I accidentally stepped on it.”
“That 's fine. I will try my best to identify it, Uehara-san.” Himari picked up the flower from her breast pocket and gave it to Arisa.
“Oh, that’s definitely a daisy.”
“It’s… That easy to identify?”
“Well, daisies are very common, so yes.”
“Ah, I see…” Arisa nodded in understanding.
“I need to go to class, but… I hope I’ve helped you, Uehara-san.” Arisa gave the crumpled flower back.
“You did! Thank you very much, Ichigaya-san!”
“It’s my pleasure.” And, with that, Arisa entered the school.
Himari didn’t go to class that day. Instead, she went to the public library and grabbed as many books about flowers and hanahaki as possible. She spent the entire morning and afternoon studying, going as far as to skip lunch.
The books were not very helpful, though, since all the information there was also readily available on the internet and Himari had already read it. She was on stage three, the stage of full flowers. Just two stages before death. It was not a pleasant fact.
When night came, instead of returning back home, she went to the Cram School. Not because she planned to attend classes, she had already skipped a whole day worth of school, skipping one more class would hardly make a difference, but because she had to talk to Rimi.
Rimi, in fact, arrived before her and, as if she was waiting for Himari, didn’t enter the building but rather stood by the brick wall in front of it.
“Rimi!”
“Himari.”
“I… I suppose Arisa already spoke with you?”
“Yes. They are daisies, correct?”
“Yeah…” Rimi put a hand on her shoulder.
“Hey, calm down, it’s not over yet. You know, we can book you an appointment with an specialist and-”
“I’m not getting the surgery!”
“Why? Didn’t I tell you last time that if you don’t even know who it is then-” Himari shook her head.
“I didn’t know who caused all this back then, but I know now.”
“Oh?”
“It 's Tomoe.” Rimi gave out a sad smile.
“I figured as much. Now that you know, are you going to confess?”
“No.”
“If you’re not getting the surgery nor confessing then…”
“I just want a way that won’t destroy my friendship with her!”
“Confessing won’t necessarily destroy things between you two.”
“Are you kidding!? How’d you feel if, say, Hanozono suddenly confessed to you?”
“Let’s say it does destroy things, isn’t your life worth more than that?”
“I…”
“Think about it, Himari. Are you really willing to destroy your life over one person?”
“It’s not just any person, it’s my best-friend!” Himari, once again, started to cry.
“Hey, hey, calm down. Things will be okay.” Rimi said while pulling her to a hug.
But… would they really?
Love, Himari always knew, wasn’t easy.
She couldn’t eat. She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t do anything. In a span of one week, the ever lively Himari turned into a walking zombie. Her friends noticed, but she dispelled their concern by pretending that this was the result of a cold. They didn’t seem very convinced but they also didn’t probe more, so Himari would count it as a win.
It didn’t help that Tomoe apparently increased the amount of time she spent around Saaya, going as far as to pass by Yamabuki Bakery to buy Moca bread before the white-haired girl could even ask for it. Himari knew the treats for their common friend were only an excuse so she could see Saaya.
It hurt.
It hurt a lot.
When she went to see Tsugumi during work, it was not really a surprise that the brunette was expecting her. After Tomoe, she was the closest person to Himari, so of course she knew something wasn’t right. Tsugumi talked to her parents, got permission to take a break, and went back to the corner table Himari was occupying with two mugs of hot chocolate.
“It’s your favorite, isn’t it?” She said before Himari could ask about the drinks.
“Yeah… Thank you, Tsugu.”
“So… What’s been bothering you?”
“A lot of things.”
“If you could be more specific…”
“Someone I know is dying of hanahaki.” Tsugumi’s eyes widened.
“Oh, dear!”
“Yeah…”
“Is that why you’ve been so standoffish lately?”
“Basically.”
“Is there anything I can do to help? Do I know them?”
“I don’t think so but yes, you do know them.”
“Is it… Rimi?” Himari shook her head in denial.
“What makes you think it’s her?”
“I saw her the other day in the library researching about the removal surgery.”
“Oh.”
‘So… Is it her?”
“No. And… I’m not sure if I can tell you who it is either.” Tsugumi smiled sadly.
“I understand.”
“But, the thing is, they are in love with their best-friend and cannot confess or get the surgery without ruining a years-long friendship. They’re in a big predicament and at this point I’m worried they’ll just give up and ruin things for themselves.”
“How so?”
“Like, if they confess then their friendship will be over because the other party is already interested in someone else. But if they get the surgery and lose their feelings…”
“It’s quite hard, indeed. Can I ask what stage they are in?”
“Three.”
“That’s… They will have to make a decision soon.”
“But what should they decide?”
“I don’t think it’s our place to judge that.”
“The person they like is Tomoe.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah… But since Tomoe and Saaya are seeing each other…”
“Wait. They are seeing each other?”
“The other day they even went to the park together! And I get that Tomoe has the right to make friends with whoever she wants but the way she’s replacing me is-”
“She’s replacing you?” Himari’s hands flew to her mouth. Crap, she got distracted with the upsetting situation and ended up using the wrong pronoun. “Himari… Is the person with hanahaki… You?”
“Tsugu! I’m so, so, so sorry…” Himari started to cry.
“Hey, hey, don’t cry. It’s you, isn’t it?” Himari was crying too much to speak so she just nodded. “Oh, dear, I’m the one who’s sorry. How long has this been going on? Wait. Is your cough…?”
Tsugumi was still speaking some more, but Himari couldn’t hear anything with how hard her heart was thumping on her ears. She just wanted to cry until this whole ordeal was over, either by death or by whatever selfish decision she took. She just… She was so tired.
So, so tired.
Now that Tsugumi knew, Himari felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She hated lying and, since Tsugumi was one of her closest friends, being able to rely on her was great. However…
“I’m telling you, surgery is the way to go.”
“And lose everything!? What she should do is confess!”
“Isn’t that too bothersome? Especially since she’s so afraid.”
Rimi and Tsugumi couldn’t agree on which course of action would be better for Himari’s situation. Currently, they were having a sleepover at Himari’s house, though there was not much sleeping being done. Rather, they argued. Besides, now that she had reached stage three and they both knew it, their nagging only grew by the day. It was somewhat nice to know there were people who cared and supported her but, at the same time, Himari wanted to scream.
They both treated the situation at hand like it was easy or, at least, easier than it was. Should she eat fish or meat for dinner? Should she confess or get the surgery? Both decisions seemed to have the same weight when coming out of Rimi’s and Tsugumi’s mouths.
“Can you guys speak any louder? I totally want my parents to hear that I’m dying.”
“Sorry.” Tsugumi said and Rimi echoed.
“It 's fine. Just… Can't we try and go to sleep?” Himari knew that asking them to change topics would be futile, so the only solution was ending the conversation for now. There were two murmured “Yes” and then the room fell into silence.
Himari didn’t manage to go to sleep until the Sun was high in the sky.
Tomoe and Saaya had another date. Well, they didn’t call it a date, at least not when Tomoe announced she wouldn’t be free Friday night because she would be sleeping over at the Yamabuki’s house. But… What else could it be?
Really, they probably watched movies and ate snacks and chatted and even kissed. And Tsugumi still thought Himari should confess. Ha, what a joke.
Tomoe didn’t like her. Not at all.
Himari should’ve known that was coming. Lies, after all, can only take one so far. She was never good at hiding things from her friends, either.
The coughing had been extremely bad that day and, as such, she interrupted Ran’s singing with her fits over and over again. The petals and flowers didn’t come, though Himari could feel them almost barreling through her mouth at each strong cough. Her bandmates, mainly Tsugumi, kept shooting her worried looks. It was only when she tasted blood that she excused herself to go to the bathroom.
She barely made it in time.
As soon as Himari closed the stall’s door, another coughing fit racked through her body and she fell to the floor as her legs lost the strength to support her body. The blood came out bitter, metallic and full of flowers. The awful taste almost made her puke, though thankfully that didn’t happen. Himari didn’t think she could deal with flowers and indigestion.
She didn’t know how much time she spent there, retching at every petal that made its way to the toilet. Every time she thought herself done and tried to clean the blood more came out. Himari didn’t even have the time to feel sorry for the cleaning staff with her head in the toilet and the combination of blood and flowers constantly pouring out.
Then, there was a knock on the stall door.
“Himari, is everything okay?” It was Ran’s voice, which, crap .
Himari looked at the semi-coagulated blood completely staining the stall and all the petals and daisies on top of it and could only panic.
“Hey, Hii-chan, did you fall inside the toilet?” Moca too? Oh, fuck, the whole band must be waiting for her in the bathroom.
“I- I’m fine! Just… Cough Just let me, uh…” As she was trying to sort things out — she’d need a huge amount of time to clean everything out — another cough came and more blood splattered out of her mouth. Why was this happening now, out of all times? Himari never had such a bad coughing fit that she would make the bathroom look like a crime scene.
“Himari, if you don’t open the door then we’re going to get Marina-san to unlock it for us.” It was Tomoe’s voice.
“Give me a second!” With great difficulty, she got up, almost slipping on the blood around her. She started grabbing toilet paper and trying to wipe the stains when there was another, louder, knock on the door.
“Himari!” Ran again.
“I’m coming out, just wait a-”
Moca’s face popped out from the space between the door and the floor.
“Hii-chan!” Her eyes were huge, her mouth a perfect ‘O’. Himari let the already red paper she was holding fall on the floor.
“Moca, what is it?” Both Ran and Tomoe asked at the same time.
“There’s… There’s a bunch of blood!”
“Blood!?”
“Moca! It’s… It’s not what it looks like!” Moca was about to say something when her face disappeared from the space in between, soon being replaced by Tomoe’s. Himari watched as her friend went through what looked like to be the five stages of grief and then her face was gone too.
There was more banging.
“Himari! Open that door right now !” Tomoe’s voice was so full of rage that Himari felt tears prickle her eyes. With trembling hands, she turned the lock.
“It… It really is not…”
Strong arms pulled Himari towards Tomoe, who was hugging her despite the fact there was still blood on her clothes and it would probably stain everything.
“Hii-chan…”
“Himari, what is going on?” She could hear Ran ask. Over Tomoe’s shoulder, she saw their singer look at the bloodstained stall with horror.
“I…”
“Himari, you should tell them.” Tsugumi finally spoke, her voice small as a mouse.
“Wait. You know what is going on!?” Tomoe suddenly stopped hugging Himari and stared at Tsugumi with an expression akin to betrayal.
“Himari…”
“I… I have hanahaki.” The words came out barely above a whisper, but she was heard nonetheless.
“You what!?” Aside from Tsugumi, their reaction was collective. Not even Moca was joking right now.
“I have hanahaki, I have had it for a few months now. I’m sorry for not telling you guys before, but… I thought I could resolve this on my own.”
Ran shook her head in what seemed to be disappointment, Moca stared at the tiles like they were more interesting than bread and Tomoe gripped both her shoulders. Hard.
“Who is it?”
“Tomoe…”
“I asked who it is! Is it Kaoru? Did… Did your feelings for her develop into this?” Over Tomoe’s shoulder, Himari could see the piercing gazes of Moca and Ran, while Tsugumi mouthed the words: “Tell her.”
“Yeah… It’s… It’s Kaoru.” She couldn’ tell the truth, she couldn’t .
“Oh, Himari…” Was her only answer from Tomoe.
No one said anything else for a long time.
Tomoe wasn’t avoiding Himari, per se, but after that fateful day in the bathroom it was like they were strangers. Himari could swear she would have more to talk about with, say, Matsubara Kanon, than with Tomoe at that moment. And, sure, Kanon was a lovely girl who probably made for a wonderful conversation partner, but Tomoe was her goddamned best-friend! They weren’t supposed to be skirting around one another like that.
“You look… Dejected.” Rimi commented exactly one week after Tomoe and the others found her in the bloody bathroom.
“Tomoe’s been acting weird ever since she found out.”
“Weird how?”
“Well, I don't know how to explain it exactly but…”
Tomoe starting to say something just to completely change the subject before she finished her sentence.
Tomoe casting her glances.
Tomoe being unusually busy.
Tomoe suddenly changing directions when she saw Himari walking on the same path.
Just… Tomoe.
“I see.” Rimi said when she finished giving an explanation.
“What do you think? I can’t even talk to her because I wouldn’t know what to say. Like, she’s acting weird but not enough for me to call her out on it.” Himari sighed, slumping on the desk.
“Well, you could always get the surgery.”
“What does this even have to do with anything!?”
“If Tomoe is bothering you this much, you could always just remove your feelings for her. It would solve all of your current problems, actually.”
“I’m not getting the surgery, forget it.”
“If you say so…”
But Himari had a feeling Rimi wouldn’t end this matter then and there.
Of course Rimi wouldn’t let the matter rest. The next time Himari went to cram school, she was already there with a slip of paper on her hands.
“What 's this?” Himari asked once she got close enough and saw that, for some reason, the paper had her name on it.
“I booked you an appointment with a Dr. Morino. It’s after tomorrow.”
“And who would Dr. Morino be?”
“He’s a specialist on hanahaki surgery.”
“Rimi! I told you I’m not getting the surgery!”
“Hey, it’s just a doctor’s visit. You do know you should be looking into your options, right?”
“Still…”
“Look, just go, okay? You… I’m worried for you. You probably don’t have much time left and if you’re not confessing then you should get the surgery.”
Himari shook her head in denial, but grabbed the piece of paper nonetheless.
“Thank you for your concern, but… I’ll manage.”
Rimi didn’t look like she believed that one bit.
Even though Himari was not happy with the way it had come to this, after thinking a lot she decided to go see Dr. Morino. Rimi was right, it was just a visit, she didn’t have to commit to anything she didn’t want to. The only problem? The doctor’s appointment was at the same time as Afterglow’s practice.
“Uh… Guys?” Himari started at lunch, not sure how to bring the subject up. Ever since the bathroom incident everyone seemed to be more on edge than usual, treating Himari like she was made of glass and would break if not handled carefully. It was awful, especially because Himari didn’t know how to navigate all the tension, so she didn’t want to be the one to start the topic. But she needed to tell them she wasn’t going to practice later on, so… “I’m not going to practice today.”
“Any reason?” Ran asked, looking up from her lunch bag.
“I have a doctor’s appointment. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go so that’s why I didn’t say anything before, but… I’m going.”
“Is it for… You know… The hanahaki?” Tomoe asked and Himari nodded.
“You’re getting the surgery!?” Tsugumi almost yelled upon her confirmation, certainly feeling betrayed Himari hadn’t told her anything before.
“I’m not sure yet. But Rimi booked me this appointment and I feel as if I should explore my options.”
“So you can still confess?” Tomoe asked once again with what seemed to be dread in her voice.
“I mean, yes?”
“I think you should get the surgery.”
“Me too.” Ran echoed.
“I dunno… Hii-chan should try confessing first. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“No!” Tomoe screamed and everyone looked in her direction. “I mean… Kaoru definitely doesn’t feel the same, so isn’t it better to avoid heartbreak altogether?”
“Don’t you think you’re being a bit harsh?” Ran asked, eyebrow raised.
“I’m just saying!” Tomoe’s face got all red (though if from anger or embarrassment Himari couldn't be sure) and she averted her eyes.
“I, for one, think you should confess. You’re going to regret it if you don’t.” Tsugumi said, sending Himari a glance that made it certain she wasn’t speaking of her supposed crush for Kaoru.
“What could she possibly regret!? Don’t speak nonsense!”
“Tomoe…?”
“What!?”
“Aren’t you unnecessarily angry?” Ran asked, probably meaning the best.
“Yeah, sure. Our friend is dying and I’m unnecessarily angry!”
“Tomoe, calm down.”
“Calm down? None of you care enough! None of you!” After she said that, Tomoe got up and walked out in a hurry, her steps heavy. No one knew what to say.
The appointment was.. Not great.
Himari was dying, which she already knew.
Because of how advanced the disease was the surgery would be risky, which she already expected.
There were already stems in her lungs, which… She neither knew or expected, but she was so shocked she didn’t even manage to have a proper reaction.
Things were truly not looking great. And then, because the universe was nothing but cruel, the first thing she saw when she opened her social media on the way home was a picture of Tomoe and Saaya. Together. Because they definitely liked each other.
The coughing that ensued was almost comical, barring the fact that, just like Dr. Morino had said there were flower stems on her lungs. And they were coming out. Himari didn’t know whether to cry or laugh, so she did both.
Himari was dying, no ifs or buts.
She couldn’t confess and ruin everything.
She couldn’t get the surgery and lose her feelings.
Himari was going to die, no ifs or buts.
Her hanahaki got bad enough that her parents finally found out. At this point, however, Himari was too ill to get out of bed, but not too ill to deny consent for the surgery. Her parents cried and begged her, but she refused to be taken to the hospital. If she was going to die then at least she would do it somewhere familiar.
Rimi was the first to arrive. She wasn’t crying when she got to Himari’s room, but her eyes were all red and puffy and she probably finished crying when she got to the door to her house.
Tsugumi came not even five minutes later in a similar state, all red eyes with unshed tears and a hoarse voice.
Moca and Ran came together, less visibly shaken but definitely not less hurt. They were holding hands and Himari could see both of their knuckles white from the effort.
Tomoe… didn’t come. Not for the first two hours the others were there, at least. Himari tried to not show it, but she wasn’t exactly okay with this. She couldn’t get the fact that Udagawa was probably with Saaya out of her head and this only led to more worrisome coughing fits. Her time was coming and Tomoe’s absence was not helping.
Then, just as she was getting ready to bid farewell to her friends for the day, they heard footsteps coming up from the stairs. Not even ten seconds later Tomoe was barging in with… Kaoru?
“Tell her! Tell her right now!”
“Tomoe? What-”
“Confess to Kaoru, Himari! Confess to her and get this over with!” Oh, right, Tomoe still thought that Himari was infatuated with Kaoru.
“Tomoe, listen-”
“No! Everyone, get out! You don’t need to do this in front of us but you need to tell her, Himari. Kaoru is not getting out of this room until you do.” And, with these parting words, Tomoe kicked everyone out, herself included.
Himari kept looking at Kaoru and the door without knowing what to do or say, after all, she wasn’t the one she truly liked. Kaoru apparently took her silence as permission to speak.
“My Little Kitten, I have been made aware of your ailment and I-”
“I don’t like you.” Himari blurted out.
“Uh?” Kaoru’s whole face was practically an interrogation point.
“I lied toTomoe and the others and I’m sorry you got caught in this but I don’t like you.”
Kaoru opened her mouth to say something but before she could Tomoe opened the door once again, almost ripping it off of the frame.
“You lied!? No, forget it for now! Who is it!? Tell me and I will go get them right now!” As she was saying that, she got closer and closer to Himari’s bed, to the point she was invading the pink-haired girl's space.
“Tomoe…”
“Don’t Tomoe me! I asked who it is!” From this distance, Himari could see clearly how Tomoe was holding back tears and she herself started to cry.
“It doesn’t matter! I’m not confessing!”
“You have to!”
“No!”
“Himari!”
“What?” She just wanted to die in peace, was that too much to ask for?
“I… I love you, okay? Yes, as my best-friend, but also as something more. And if I could I would remove these flowers myself, but I can’t. I can’t… So I need you to get the surgery or, if you don’t want to, to confess. I don’t want you to be with someone else, but if that’s what is going to keep you alive then I need you to tell me who it is so that I can go get them and stop you from dying!” At that point Tomoe was crying so hard she was hiccuping.
“I… I thought you liked Saaya?”
“What? No, no I don’t like her. I only love you.”
Himari started to cry harder though this time they were happy tears.
“You love me?”
“Yes, of course I do.”
“I love you too.”
“If you do then you need to stay alive. So please tell me who-”
“I already told you. I love you, Udagawa Tomoe. I love you, I love you, I love you, I-”
Tomoe kissed her.
She kissed Tomoe back.
Her best-friend tastes a little like blood and salty tears, but mostly of requited love. And there was nothing else Himari could ask for.