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Here’s the thing about nerves.
Well, they suck. You can’t control them, you can’t help but break down. You can’t help but feel overwhelmed. You can’t help but feel weak.
Their breathing was hitched, tears welling up in their eyes. Long lashes brimmed with tears, they couldn’t help it, couldn’t hold them in any longer. The heat of the tears burned their cheeks, each tear that trickled down their face felt like a blade tearing through their skin. Layer by layer, bit by bit, they would soon be nothing but blood and bone.
“You’re disgusting!” Mizuki heard a student shout. “What’s wrong with you?” another went. And right before them, they saw Shinonome Ena. Perplexed, angry, hurt, even. “You… You’re…” Ena didn’t bother to finish her sentence. She gripped their wrist and pushed them to the ground. They fell hard against the cold, ceramic tiles. They grabbed their wrist in which Ena had just held. It hurt. Her touch burned like venom. Mizuki couldn’t stop crying. “I can’t believe I promised to wait for you for a secret… like this,” Ena murmured, nose wrinkling in disgust. “You’re revolting.” Those tears wouldn’t stop rolling, and before they knew it they were no more than a skeleton and ribbon.
Ouch.
Mizuki’s head hit against the wall behind them. Well actually, it was a door. Oh, it was just a dream. None of it was real. None of it. Right? Mizuki thought, yet their heart was beating so hard against their chest. It bounced around their ribcage such that they believed it would jump out any time. Maybe the dream (or nightmare) wasn’t real, but those tears sure were. Mizuki used their cardigan sleeve to wipe their tearstained face. Their saliva tasted sour, strange. Their heart kept beating fast, very fast.
Thump, thump, thump.
Their heart swelled in their chest.
Thump, thump, thump.
Why were they so worked up? None of it was real, anyway.
Right?
Mizuki scrambled to their feet, observing their surroundings. Cloths, buckets, detergent, soap. Oh, and it hit them like a rock. They were in the storeroom. They’d probably been overwhelmed by their classmates and rushed to the only place they’d known shelter. They had the intention of hiding away till they’d calmed down, but somehow managed to fall asleep. They fished their phone out of their pocket. The soft light of their phone illuminated the room, burning their eyes as they turned it on. The clock on their phone read 7:27PM. Night classes have started, meaning there wouldn’t be anyone in the halls. They slowly twisted the doorknob and peeked out. Left, no one. Right, no one. Clear. As quickly as they could, they dashed out of the tiny enclosed room. They had left their shelter, and now they were to fend themself on their own.
———————
Mizuki pulled off their ribbon, their soft pink curls cascading down onto their shoulders. A ribbon that embodied them, their signature. They pulled off their cardigan, that stuck to them like a shell. They switched their school uniform into a simple white T-shirt and a pair of pink shorts with frills lined round the rim. Mizuki threw themself onto their bed. No energy for anything. Not a single thing. They lay there, staring at the ceiling like it was the most interesting thing in the world. They stared at it, contents of their dream running through their mind like a broken recorder. Usually, they’d forget a dream after ten minutes or so, but this one just stuck. It felt so real, so petrifying. Such that Mizuki themself had already started to believe it was. They held their right wrist in their hand, feeling Ena’s strong and painful grip against it. The way it burned. Venom.
Ena’s not like that. Ena wouldn’t do that to me, Mizuki reassured themself, but they weren’t sure if they could trust themself. After all, whoever found out about their secret…
Wouldn’t they act the same? Wouldn’t they act like how everyone in their dream did?
It was only natural, wasn’t it?
Wasn’t it?
Mizuki held their breath. Would Ena react the same?
No, she wouldn’t. She’s kind. Like everyone else in Niigo.
Everyone but Mizuki themself.
Mizuki let the pillow eat their cheek, mind as well swallow them whole. Such that they cease to exist, to no longer bother anyone. So no one would find out. When did things become so troublesome? Just then, the sound of a notification nearly sent Mizuki into cardiac arrest. The phone vibrated in their pocket. They were scared. They didn’t know why but they were afraid. They were afraid that they’d turn on their phone to see a message from an unknown username, saying something like, You’re gross, or, The secret’s out. Their heart rate picked up, their hands grew slick with sweat. They slipped their trembling hand into their pocket. They sat upright. They were afraid to see what their phone beheld. Why were they so afraid? It was just a dream after all. Right?
They pressed their phone screen to see it light up, their lock screen filling their vision. And there it was; the message.
Mizuki felt relief flood them as they noticed that the words in the notification were hanging below a simple username. ‘K’. Mizuki quickly keyed in their phone password and clicked on the Nightcord icon.
|| K · Today at 8:42PM
Hey Amia, could you let Enanan know that I won’t be joining the Nightcord call today? I’m a bit busy. I know she’s in night class right now, so could you let her know for me?
Mizuki slowed their breathing. Kanade? Busy? That was a new occurrence. But Mizuki didn’t want to pry, because they knew it was likely about her father. Mizuki knew what it was like to be asked questions that they didn’t want to answer. Questions that hurt and hurt and stab you like a dagger when you least expect it. Mizuki knew what that was like, and didn’t dare to make Kanade feel the same way. Mizuki typed in their response as quickly as they could, not wanting to let Kanade wait.
|| Amia · Today at 8:44PM
oh sure!! hope everything goes well for u
Mizuki waited a beat.
|| K · Today at 8:44PM
Thanks.
And just like that, Kanade’s status flickered from green to grey, online to offline, like from life to death. Mizuki didn’t know where they sat between that line, the one of life and death. Sure, they were alive, but barely so. And each time, death seemed to get more and more enticing.
Mizuki turned off their phone, pushing it beneath their pillow. Mizuki let themself fall back onto their bed, let themself sink back into it. Let themself be consumed, be consumed whole, or not. Now there was no Kanade. There was no one else. They were on their own. Just them and the ceiling. Them and the ceiling.
———————
The clock read 12:37AM when they woke up. How’d they fall asleep again? Mizuki rubbed their eyes, panic only setting in when they’d realised they hadn’t messaged Ena. Mizuki quickly scooped up their phone from their side, rubbing their eyes. They pressed in the digits of their passcode, swiftly swiping upwards and opening the Nightcord application. They quickly clicked on the profile with the user ‘Enanan’. Why was she online? Oh, night classes had ended, right?
|| Amia · Today at 12:41AM
enaemon!!! k won’t be joining us today & yuki is still having exams
Just a moment.
Enanan is typing…
|| Enanan · Today at 12:41AM
Yeah I know K already messaged me
She had a feeling you wouldn’t let me know in time
Mizuki smiled softly to themself. Quickly, they pulled themself out of bed and tied their hair into a messy ponytail and rushed to turn their computer on. Their monitor flickered to life and they kicked their chair out from underneath their desk as they typed in their password. They plonked themself onto their chair, clicking on Nightcord. They chewed their lip, the screen loading and all their messages and servers filling their vision. They glanced at the clock.
12:55AM.
They waited, playing with their headphone wires before getting them on. They opened their editing software.
12:57AM.
Just wait a moment more. They picked at their fingernails, waiting for the time to pass by.
1:00AM.
Or as Niigo liked to call it, 25:00 o’clock.
Mizuki entered a call with Ena, but keeping their camera off. To shield themself. From her? From the world? Who knows. “Enaemon~ ♪” Mizuki said playfully.
Ena merely scoffed.
“Hey! Don’t play silent treatment with me!” Mizuki chided.
“Alright, then why don’t you tell me what to draw for this album cover,” Ena spat, and Mizuki could tell that she was rolling her eyes.
Mizuki replied, “Eh, I’m no artist!"
And then Mizuki heard something fall with a smash. “Shit.”
“What happened?” Mizuki asked, concern lacing their voice.
“I hit my cup when I was picking up my stylus and it fell…” Ena responded, irritation in her voice. “You’re so careless,” Mizuki stated, almost matter-of-factly. “Shut up! Says you,” Ena groaned.
“Okay hold on, I’m going to get a broom and clean up the coffee on the floor.”
“A broom? What age are we living in? Use a vacuum cleaner for god’s sake.”
“I’m not going to wake everyone up over a cup of coffee!”
Mizuki heard Ena trudge out of the room, her mic being clear enough to record her soft mumbling about something. Classic Ena, Mizuki thought to themself, a smirk making its way onto their face. A few moments later, Mizuki heard the click of a door. “I’m back.”
Mizuki heard the sweeping of glass shards, the fragments clinking against each other as they were being swept up into the dustpan. “What’re you doing drinking coffee up at this time, anyway?” Mizuki asked. “Drawing takes energy, okay?! I stay up till really late so of course I need coffee!” Ena growled, as if what she’d said was the most obvious thing in the world. “Okay, okay! No need to get so worked up, Enanan!” Mizuki sighed, but a smile stayed on their face. Being with Ena, even without it being physically, made them feel at ease. That smile they wore was genuine.
They didn’t say much as Ena swept up the mess while also cleaning up the spilt coffee. The silence was thick, but comfortable. Knowing Ena was on the other line, made the sinking feeling in their gut lift, even just momentarily. “Enaemon, I’m bored!” Mizuki complained.
“I’ll be done any moment now!”
Mizuki sighed as they twisted strands of their hair around their finger in boredom. Mizuki leaned back in their chair, raising their arms out to stretch.
“Ow!”
Mizuki sat up straight, leaning towards their computer. “Ena? What happened?” they asked, worry tracing their every word. “I… I cut my knee while wiping up the coffee…” Ena said softly.
“How?”
“I was kneeling while wiping up the coffee and I hadn’t noticed the last glass shard on the floor…”
“You are so careless!” Mizuki said, both worriedly and teasingly. Ena was probably rolling her eyes again. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up about that?!"
“Alright, alright. There’s no other glass on the floor right?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Use a tissue or cloth to stop the bleeding. Should I come over?”
No response. “Should I?” Mizuki asked once more.
“No, I don’t want you to wake Akito and my parents up,” Ena’s voice was firm.
“Pfft, why not? I can help you. Anyway, you’re not done cleaning, are you?”
Ena thought for a moment, her breathing audible.
“Okay, fine.”
Mizuki smiled discreetly to themself. More time with Ena.
“But be quiet.”
“Will do, princess.”
“Quit calling me that.”
———————
Before they knew it, Mizuki was at the Shinonomes’ home. Dressed in a pink T-shirt with a cashmere sweater over it and a frilly, pink pleated skirt, not forgetting the black leggings they wore, they rubbed their hands together. They rubbed their shoulders with their hands. They whipped out their phone and keyed in a message. They chewed their lip as they typed. They’d already knocked a few times, why wasn’t Ena answering? Was she okay? Did she lose too much blood? Did she pass out? Mizuki felt anxiety gnaw at them. Why were they so worried? It was a small cut. Probably, anyways. Mizuki knocked again, harder this time. But they remembered that Ena didn’t want anyone else to wake up. They tried again. This was what? Their fifth time knocking? Only then did they send the message.
|| Amia · Today at 2:32AM
enaemon!!!!!!! can u get the door already!!!! im freezing out here!!!!
They held their breath, waiting for a response.
1, 2, 3.
They started typing another message. Worry surged within them. Was Ena badly injured?
Amia is typing…
Then, the door swung open. There was a tired and messy Ena before them, an Ena they’d never known. There was a tissue stuck to her knee, taped down with a piece of clear scotch tape.
Mizuki almost burst out laughing when they saw it.
“Took you long enough,” Ena grumbled.
“Took you long enough to get to the door,” MIzuki mocked.
“Just… come in,” Ena sighed, too tired to deal with Mizuki and whatever they were trying to do to her. She performed a dramatic gesture, inviting Mizuki into her home.
“Thank you, Enaemon,” Mizuki grinned, stepping onto the threshold. “Just shut up and go in already.”
———————
“This is a mess.”
“I know.”
Mizuki scanned the area for any more glass. Good; nothing. Now what’s left is the coffee. “Go sit down and rest. I’ll help you properly bandage your wound and clean up the place. Mizuki grabbed the rag wet with coffee on Ena’s desk and knelt down to start wiping the place up. Ena sighed and sat herself down on her bed, watching Mizuki work.
“Hey,” Ena began, looking at the wall and avoiding eye contact.
“Hm?” Mizuki said, looking up at Ena.
“Sorry for making you come over so late. It was a dumb mistake to make.”
Mizuki blinked, unsure if the apology was genuine. Ena? Apologising? No way.
But all Mizuki did was smile at her. “Not a problem.”
The two let the silence gather, till it thickened like a glass panel between them. Mizuki was just comfortable with this type of silence. It wasn’t awkward, it was quite nice actually. Mizuki leaned
forward to wipe the spots they’d missed. “Gosh, how much coffee did you spill anyway?” Mizuki chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. They looked up, only to notice that Ena had dozed off.
Mizuki’s expression softened, looking how peacefully Ena was sleeping.
———————
“Hey, wake up, sleepyhead!” Mizuki called, shaking Ena awake. Ena’s eyes fluttered open. She was confused for a moment. “Huh, uh… Oh.” The brown-haired girl quickly recollected her thoughts and sat up straight.
“I’m done.”
The clock read 3:24AM.
“You took a while,” Ena said.
Mizuki shrugged, “Well I took the liberty of organising your desk a little too! You should give me some credit, y’know!”
Ena glanced at her desk, only to realise Mizuki was telling the truth. “C’mon, I’ll help you clean up your wound. Mizuki gingerly removed the scotch tape that Ena had used to hold the tissue to her knee, making Ena flinch. “Be gentle!” Ena yelped. Mizuki rolled their eyes. “I am!” They grabbed the wet cloth that they’d prepared beforehand and used it to wipe the wound. They cleaned Ena’s wound with care, slowly applying medicine and pasting a bandage over it.
“All done~ ♪” Mizuki chimed.
“Thanks,” Ena said, the ghost of a smile dancing on her lips.
Mizuki stared back at her, a smile creeping its way back onto their own face. Being with Ena, they could feel better about themself, feel at ease. And maybe, spending their time with her let them genuinely smile the most is a very, very long time. And maybe, just by being with Ena, they were finally able to realise that it was silly of them to believe such a thing. Silly of them to believe that Ena was that kind of person. And even if she was, could they even blame her? Regardless, being by Ena’s side, Mizuki felt at ease. Maybe even if they couldn’t share everything with her, maybe they could still overcome this fear that they’ve never known.