Work Text:
" Anything "
July 2003 ShenLong
Part 6 in the War Torn Arc.
~ Trowa POV ~
When the wars finally ended I had found myself alone and afloat in a sea of uncertainty. My Gundam was gone and along with it my identity. Now I was nothing more than another nameless soldier once again. The friendship we shared throughout the wars had strengthened and I found myself accepting your offer to stay with you at the conclusion of the battles.
You can laugh, you think it's funny
Am I a fool, for taking the longest way
To reach for the sky.
With some mild regret I said my good-byes to Cathy and the circus, the one place that had given me shelter and protection during the dark times and prepared to engage in another battle. To understand the conflict within my soul.
It is clear to me now that you knew what it was you wanted from me before I did. Those early days were full of fun and laughter as we shared many things while I began to unravel my inner turmoil. You used to laugh at me for the slow, yet steady way I methodically separated my emotions and analyzed them. Maybe I could have come to terms with my feelings a lot quicker, and maybe if I had then what I am feeling now wouldn't have become an issue. Maybe if you had also taken the time to understand me and what I was facing, what I am about to do would never needed to have happened. Maybe if you had listened instead of being absorbed into your work it would never have come to this...
Maybe...
I have my hopes, you have your business
Don't you see, it's somebody else's dream
That you're working for.
Once I recognized my feelings for what they were our lives became even more full and joyous... for a while. I'm not sure when the changes began, so subtle were they. While I appreciate the patience you showed me as I discovered and came to terms with my emotions, I cannot help but fear there is no longer any time in your life for me. We share the same home, the same bed, a love I thought was blossoming and yet...
I find myself still lonely.
You are becoming distant from me. We used to share time alone together, candlelit dinners, losing ourselves in our music when we played, but now we rarely do any of that. Meetings and business always seem to take precedence. I had hoped we could build a future together, one founded on a bond of love and understanding, but I feel that is no longer an option. This isn't the dream we shared.... This is a carefully constructed plan to keep us apart, to tear away at the very fabric of our love until.... I shake my head, not wanting those thoughts but unable to deny the truth.
Your work is taking you away from me, and while I know that it is important to you as well as your family, are you so blind that you cannot see how you are being manipulated?
Guilt is an easy emotion to play on.
So, what do you see
Just an ordinary man
What sets us apart, is this fire in my heart
That says, I can do anything.
While I know I can never be as an astute business man as what you are, I have tried to share the load with you, tried to become what it is you wanted me to be, to relieve you of some of the burden and stress of your position, and yet each time I do you manage to find fault with my work. Alas, you cannot mold me into the person you wish for me to be and so I will leave you to the high life of wheeling and dealing. I'm just an ordinary man, one without a name, without a purpose, or so your family would have you believe, but I know different.
Deep inside me there is a fire that burns, a fire that you may unknowingly be trying to extinguish, but I refuse to let that happen. I am my own person and with determination I can do anything. It is with a heavy heart I now pack my things and prepare to leave.
I lay awake, feel the distance
Sometimes I wonder, can I be the only one
Who's feeling this way.
Staring at the ceiling I can only try to block out the ache in my heart. How can two people be so close and yet so distant?
Unaware of the battle that is going on within me you sleep peacefully next to me, sated. Our love making was rushed and I feel unsatisfied. Oh, my loins may have been sated, but my heart cries out for more. What happened to the tender caresses?... the slow touches?... the gentle teasing as we built each other up to the point where we didn't need wings to fly?
If I didn't know any better I would swear that I needed an appointment just to be able to make love to you or kiss you. Surely you can't be that involved in your work that you cannot see what is happening? This void that started with a crack has widened, until now all I see is a gaping chasm, impossible to scale on my own and I have no idea how to fix it.
"What happened to us, Quatre?" I whisper for the night only to hear.
When I awaken you are gone and with a heavy heart I rise and complete my morning ablutions, skipping breakfast and heading directly to your office instead. What I have to say cannot wait any longer.
I push past your secretary, ignoring her heated objections and with one knock upon your door I enter, determined to see this through while I still can.
Two shocked faces look at me as I storm inside. I see loathing, disgust and irritation in the eyes of your guest, while anger flashes briefly in your own. Whether that anger is directed at me for the interruption or not, I do not care. I fold my arms across my chest and stare back at you defiantly. "We need to talk."
So you can talk, or you can listen
Or you can walk away.
"Trowa, I am in the middle of an important meeting," you reply, gesturing to your guest.
"This cannot wait, Quatre." I watch as you give your guest an apologetic smile and rise from your seat to approach me.
"I'm sorry for the interruption, Mr Goldsmith. I'll just be a moment."
You walk towards me and I am fully aware of the annoyance in your posture. Taking my arm you turn me to the door and escort me there. "Whatever it is, Trowa, it can wait until I'm finished with this meeting!" you hiss in my ear.
"No it can't, Quatre." My voice is low, but determined.
"I'm about to close a very important deal here, Trowa. I do not need you to come barging in like a damsel in distress. I'll talk to you later."
I could barely contain my anger as the understanding swept over me. "Fine! Check through your precious diary and see when you can schedule me in for, then call this number and if I'm available I'll meet with you," I snarled as I handed him a slip of paper and turning on my heel, I began to walk away. "Good-bye, Quatre. Contact me when you have the time." I continued to force myself to walk when all I wanted to do was to run, the hot sensation prickling behind my eyes not helping in my cause, but I was determined not to break down.
We'll meet again
And you'll understand.
I burst into our room and grab my bag from the bed, with one last look about the opulent room I turn and leave, unwilling to wait any longer lest I should falter in my resolve.
I toss the bag to the back seat of the car and climb in behind the wheel. Keys slip into the small hole and the engine roars into life. I ease the vehicle from the garage and head down the sweeping driveway, away from the hurt, away from the memories, away from the pain lodged deep in my heart. I stop the car at the end and turn to face the mansion once more. "I hope one day, Quatre, you can uncover your eyes and see the truth."
Brushing the tears I can no longer contain from my cheeks, I ease the clutch out and slide into the traffic.
So where you walk, I may not follow
I'm someone else, I'm going the only way I know
The right way for me.
I walked under the archway that proclaimed the entrance to the circus and looked around. At least this hadn't changed. Cathy spotted me and I was soon back in the familiar trailer. She never once questioned me no matter how much I could see the curiosity burning in her eyes. Instead, she let me be, knowing I would talk if and when I was ready.
I had barely settled back into the routine when the call I had been expecting came through. I listened to your words, your explanations; but they rang hollow.
You still didn't see it.
"Quatre, I am not coming back. I cannot be the person you are trying to make me into. I am an individual, I have a life of my own which is important to me. I can no longer be 'Mrs. Winner'. I understand that your job is important to you and I do not wish to take you from your duties, but what we had, Quatre, is gone, swallowed up in the giant mechanism called Winner Enterprises. I cannot and will not play second fiddle to a company, a company that has you under its thumb twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, leaving no time for us. What happened to the sweet, gentle, kind man I knew and loved? You talk about my lack of identity, Quatre, but you need to take a good look at your own. I woke up before mine was stolen completely. Find yourself, Quatre. Find yourself before it's too late and that company swallows you completely, for until you do there can never be any hope of there being an us."
So, what do you see
Just an ordinary man.
I replace the receiver and stare blankly at the wall, my inner turmoil raging out of control. Sadly I shake my head and leave the trailer, heading for the solace of the felines that offer me strength.
Just sitting here, silently with the ones that do not judge is a comfort in itself. My mind wanders back over my life thus far, an orphan, a mercenary, a killer and terrorist, Gundam pilot to war hero, friend to lover....
Now what am I?
I raise my head and stare into the slitted eyes of the male lion, seeking my answers and finding only one.
I'm nothing more now than an ordinary man.
But isn't that what I've always wanted to be?
I look towards the fake sky of the colony and my heart lightens a little. I have discovered something about myself that you have yet to find in yourself, Quatre.
What sets us apart, is this fire in my heart
That says, I can do anything.
I have found my peace.
I have found myself.
~ oOo ~