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The U-20 match was the worst fucking day of his life, no exaggaration. It was even worse than Sae leaving for Spain or Sae coming back. Sure, he scored, but that was the second goal in the entire match. It didn’t mean shit. It wasn’t the first goal, and it wasn’t a goal after Shidou joined the field. Everyone was talking only about Nagi’s first goal, Barou’s goal after Shidou joined the field, Sae’s first goal, Shidou and his two annoying fucking goals, or Isagi’s last goal that he stole from him.
No one was talking about his goal. The only time the media would mention him would be as Sae’s little brother or the one who went rogue in the match. He did not give a fuck about media coverage, but he did give a fuck in considering that other teams’ coaches could see his performance. His lukewarm performance. Who the fuck would want him now?
Isagi stole everything from him. His brother, his recognition, his goal, his dignity, his honor, his Hio–
Okay, maybe not that.
And sure some people in Blue Lock congratulated him, but they were just being nice like that to everyone. It was mostly for their own recognition.
Hell, he hates their pity. There is nothing more demeaning than having people feel bad for you. Especially Isagi. A thief feeling pity for the victim is disgusting. Would it be a stretch to say Rin hates him? No. In fact, he believes that it perfectly encompasses everything he feels about Blue Lock’s great ace.
Everything would’ve been fine, everything would’ve been bearable if he didn’t have to rub salt in the deep everlasting wound.
Going rogue was unhealthy, but he didn’t know what else to do anyway. There weren’t any other options that meant anything other than giving up . If Rin was going down, he was going down by making a mark. No matter how much that mark has gotten overshadowed by everyone else’s. He’d spent so long just trying and had nothing to show for it.
It would’ve been nice. It would’ve made it just the slightest bit better if Sae fucking recognized him. Recognized that he was better now. Recognize that he put up a fight. Just, any form of recognition, after six fucking years of working hard. Look at him and be proud of the brother he raised for one second. But no, he didn’t. He only looked at Shidou and Isagi, not him. Rin would remain invisible until he was good enough , and as the little brother of the world’s best midfielder, he will never be enough.
Maybe his day would’ve been better. Just the slightest bit. Maybe he wouldn’t feel as empty. Maybe he wouldn’t feel like a million pieces right now. Maybe he could feel like he could actually stand beside his nii-chan. Just one small thing to make the day slightly less worse and maybe not be the worst fucking day of his life.
Everyone that day took his hope and crushed it so fine that he doesn’t know how to put it back together anymore.
One week couldn't, wouldn’t pass by soon enough. Because now he has one whole week to himself that he has no idea how to spend. No one will invite him, he will invite no one. Just stay with his anger and frustration and hope it doesn’t drive him insane.
He’s tired. He’s so fucking tired. He needs someone to restrain him from punching the next person who walks through the train door.
“You were shit, Rin-kun.”
Okay, maybe not the next person who walks through the train door. Rin grumbles as a sign of acknowledgement. At least right now he feels something that isn’t negative.
“You don’t have to tell me that,” Rin says, focusing on his game. There’s only one thing that lets him vent out his frustrations, that just lets him be completely unaffected by the shadow of those around him. And that’s his horror video games.
“No, I mean the game. Not the U-20 game. That game,” Hiori says, pointing at his console. Oh.
“Why don’t you play it then?” Rin asks. He means for it to come off as aggressive but it’s more inviting if anything else. He finds he doesn’t mind that.
Hiori sits himself beside Rin and nothing’s ever felt more natural. “You probably want to go home as soon as possible.”
“Huh?” Rin asks, wondering what in the world constituted that question.
“To be away. Escape from Blue Lock. Escape from expectations and comparison. Escape from your family that sets it on you.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Rin mutters, looking away from his game to face Hiori’s big blue eyes. It’s not a bad view. It doesn’t stir any more unpleasant feelings. It’s just Hiori and the view from the train windows passing by. It’s almost serene.
“I’m the opposite,” Hiori says, leaning against the seat. “Blue Lock is my escape.”
Rin discretely saves his game. “Is that why you’re on this train right now? Instead of going back home?”
Hiori laughs a bit. It’s a clear sound. It’s soft and gentle, not as deafening as the cheering of the crowds. “Yeah.”
“Why this line though? Did you randomize it or something?” Rin asks, leaning back on his seat.
Hiori laughs again. Rin can get used to that sound. “Hah, well, no. I looked up where ya lived and then just betted on RNGesus to run into ya, and it seems like the gamble paid off.”
“Why go through that trouble though?” Rin says. He doesn’t know if his face is getting hot. Hiori going out of his way to go on a train he would be on is a thought.
“I’ve rehearsed ya asking that a few times in my head. My quick and easy answer I decided was saying that ya looked kinda sad after the match and I felt bad,” Hiori says. “But the real reason is…”
Hiori leans closer. “You’re exactly like me. And I need ya more than ya need me.”
Rin feels some hurt echoing from inside of him.
So Rin is having someone over for the first time. This is fine. This is completely fine. He is completely fine.
He can’t believe how one single person can keep him from being all emo and submerging himself in his own angst without even doing anything.
Hiori starts inviting himself to Rin’s house for the rest of the week. Hiori isn’t allowed to have people over. Hiori isn’t allowed to visit people’s houses unless it’s for soccer. So that becomes the exact excuse he uses every time.
And when he arrived there, soccer used to end up being the last thing on their minds. But after the first two days, their hangouts do involve a little more soccer than usual. They play a 1v1 game or two, before heading back inside, drinking all the water in the fridge and trying to cool off in front of the electric fan.
Sometimes Hiori forgets to bring his towel and Rin lets him borrow his, breaking the rules of sports. Then they go up to his room and play video games until Hiori realizes his parents will get suspicious if he stays late any longer.
Three more days. Three more days until they have to return to Blue Lock, Rin reminds himself. Three more days until Hiori gets to escape. Three days until Rin loses his escape.
Rin tries to be nonchalant as he stands up the moment the first knock on the door comes. Not because he was waiting for it. Okay, maybe. He opens the door and shoves a paper bag into Hiori’s hands.
“What’s this, Rin-rin?” Hiori asks, opening the bag.
“You said you liked Nier so I got you that a while ago while I was walking around,” Rin says. He doesn’t shrug. He doesn’t care how it comes off as. It is the truth anyway.
They’re still replaying Omori when Rin notices the digital clock on his bed has gone fifteen minutes past 7:00. Hiori doesn’t seem too bothered though, calmly invading his personal space and snuggling up with a blanket as he presses through dialogue he’s read a couple of times already but still hits the same.
“Hiori…” Rin mutters softly, as if he’s almost too scared to break the gamer’s concentration.
Hiori slowly looks up, staring at him with those big blue eyes. “Hm?”
Rin fights the urge to look away. Those eyes do not have to draw him in that much. “Shouldn’t you be going home already?”
Hiori looks at the clock on the bedside table, muttering a small “oh” as he looks down with disappointment and all Rin wants to do is hug him.
He expects Hiori to already be packing up, but all he does is snuggle even closer. “I don’t wanna leave yet today…”
He sounds scared. And that’s something for someone who can stomach the same games and manga Rin enjoys. The only horror thing Hiori doesn’t like are horror movies. Rin wonders whether it’s because of the people screaming.
“You had a big fight?” Rin asks, picking his console back and continuing the game.
He feels Hiori finally turn a bit to face the screen as well. “Yeah… I don’t wanna go back there. Not yet…”
They play in silence for a while more.
Hiori hums again. “Rin, can I stay here?”
“Of course.” The reply almost comes automatically. And even when he thinks, he decides he would not mind if Hiori would stay for the night. Maybe a part of him looks forward to it, too. He’s never had anyone stay over, and he didn’t think he’d get the chance over the break.
“Okay… I can take the couch downstairs,” Hiori says.
“Nono,” Rin immediately shakes his head. He wants Hiori to at least be comfortable when sleeping here. “I have a futon in the closet. You can take that one. You can– you can take my bed, too, if you want…”
“Oh, it’s okay. I’m used to sleeping on futons. Though I end up sleeping more in my gaming chair,” Hiori says with a chuckle. And damn does that chuckle brighten up a room.
“So… what should we play next?” Hiori asks, looking through the physical copies of games that Rin had managed to buy. His eyes light up upon seeing a Tears of the Kingdom one, but moves on.
Rin notices this. “Do you wanna play Tears of the Kingdom?”
“Nah. I’ve already completed it at home. I’m looking for stuff we haven’t played yet.”
Hiori decides to just grab the discs and cassettes, stands up, and walks back toward Rin. Then he sits down awfully close, bringing his legs up as he continues sorting through them.
“Hiori, have you ever played dating sims?” The question is already asked before Rin could even process it. Hiori drops the box he was holding, staring at him for a few seconds before his cheeks are tinted a light pink. Cute…
“Ah, they’re not really my cup of tea. I suppose you could say I’ve played some of them?” Hiori says, getting a little sheepish as he focuses on just mindlessly sorting through the games. “Just your usuals. Hatoful, DDLC Sakura Wars… tried Tears of Themis, Mystic Messenger and Obey Me on mobile for a while…”
So Hiori plays dating sims for both genders… Wait, no, why is that even important? Rin shakes his head. “So the dating sims with plot?”
“Technically all of them have plot but I suppose so…” Hiori chuckles again, still avoiding his gaze.
“Your waifus and husbandos in each one?” Rin finds himself asking.
“Yuri, Artem…” Hiori starts listing them off. Rin starts to notice a pattern, a pattern that he finds himself fitting. He doesn’t know whether it’s actually real or just a delusion. Once he finishes, he looks back at Rin and tilts his head, his little hair strand bobbing, too. “Why’d you ask anyway?”
“Just curious… wondered if you were the type to play those stuff. I’ve never finished one,” Rin mutters.
“Awww not even DDLC?” Hiori asks.
“I know it gets horror-ish enough but I can’t sit through the cringe of me always picking the worst dialogue options,” Rin says.
“Well we can play one together some time if ya wanna,” Hiori says, offering more easily than he anticipated. He better stop before he digs a deep hole for himself.
“Oh, I’ll keep that in mind.” Rin decides to stop it there. The last thing he wants is to stay in a dark room with Hiori playing dating sims, of all things.
After a while, they decide to watch the Higurashi anime.
“Rin I’m hungry…” Hiori suddenly says, finally looking up from the screen after a three-hour binge.
“I think I still have some food in the fridge,” Rin says, standing up and getting to the door in the dim moonlight.
Hiori shakes his head. “I want ice cream.”
“At 12:30 am???” Rin asks, dumbfounded. But he doesn’t judge because he knows he’d like some popsicles at this time, too.
Hiori says firmly, nodding. “Yes. I’m used to eating at this time anyway.”
Right… Hiori’s body clock probably adjusted to be awake during the hours his parents are asleep. Too used to sneaking around the house at night in complete and total peace, no worries about responsibilities or disappointments.
Rin sighs. He’ll enable Hiori tonight. That’s the least he can do. He grabs his coat and the keys and opens the door. “... let’s check if the nearby 7-11’s open.”
They end up travelling further than 7-11. It was per Rin’s suggestion. It wasn’t that a convenience store wasn’t enough to satisfy him. Rather…
“I know a good place,” Rin says, revisiting a moment in his childhood that he never thought he’d revisit. “A really good place.”
For the first time, Rin goes back to a street he used to know well.
“Mmm…” Hiori leans on him as he licks his ice cream. The streets still have a good few people, but it isn’t as busy as the early evening. Hiori looks around with an excited smile, as if this is his first time to be out and about at this hour. Knowing his parents, it probably is.
They take their time to walk back to Rin’s house. The night is cold and Hiori has his jacket zipped up tight. His hood bops along with his cyan hair. It’s cute.
“It’s been a while since I did this honestly,” Rin says, saying the first thing that comes to mind. He’s not a stickler for small talk and conversations, but for a reason he’s completely aware of, he wants to have a conversation with Hiori. He wants to hear Hiori’s gentle voice talk back to him.
“Did what? Get ice cream?” Hiori asks a question that will normally result in Rin ignoring the person for the rest of his life, but he knows better. He knows Hiori knows better. They know too much about their home lives to be insensitive about it.
“Yeah. Especially to that store… I forgot how the streets over here looked.” Rin would always just order or travel half the district. He couldn’t visit the old places he used to go to with Sae.
“That store? The same one?” Hiori asks.
He doesn’t know how much that meant to Rin. “Ah, yeah. We gained quite the reputation with the old lady. Sae and I… we used to get popsicles here a lot. Whenever we win a game, Sae would treat me to a victory popsicle. I always get the light blue ice cream…”
Rin feels himself smiling when reminiscing about his childhood with Sae. And he doesn’t mind that Hiori probably can see him smiling, too.
“Does the ice cream still taste good?” Hiori asks, before licking on his own one. He can smell the strong matcha flavour.
“Honestly back then, I would’ve accepted whatever flavour Sae gave me. But right now I think I’m realizing I like bubblegum,” Rin says. He then spots an ever-familiar spot on the pier.
He grabs Hiori’s hand and drags him towards it.
“Woah there–” Hiori says, trying to hold tight onto his popsicle. Rin makes them face the vast dark ocean. “What’s this place?”
“Sae and I used to always eat our ice creams here,” Rin says. He stares at the ocean for a while more before sitting down, dangling his legs over the edge. He feels Hiori follow suit, sitting much closer to him this time. “Sae always loved looking at the sea. I don’t know why. But I sit with him anyway.”
“What about ya?” Hiori asks, his voice low and gentle beside him. It soothes the nightmares of his past that always visit him whenever he sits there.
“I mean I like the fact that I got to be with nii-chan…” Rin says. He doesn’t actually know what he likes. He never actually was a superfan of horror games. They were just there to fill the void Sae and football left, so he could feel something. “I guess I only ever liked doing yoga.”
“I kinda wanna join you on that some day,” Hiori says. Rin considers it.
“How about you? Do you… actually like games?”
“Of course,” Hiori answers almost immediately. Rin almost tumbles backwards before Hiori catches him, dropping his own popsicle into the ocean in the process. They stare at each other for a few seconds before both letting out a small laugh. There are no bursts of laughter with them. Just small moments spent together like this.
“Well, yes and no? It’s kinda complicated,” Hiori says, rocking back and forth. “I used to do it just so I can have something to do with my time and skills. And it’s entertaining enough anyway. Still feels that way. But also I’d rather play video games than other stuff to cope. Streaming also helped bring some enjoyment into it. And playing with Nagi and Niko. And especially you, of course.”
“Huh.” Rin finds himself laughing a bit, and he hopes it’s not out of embarrassment. “...I never really talked to anyone about my childhood like that before.”
They lapse into a comfortable silence again. Rin is tempted to move his free hand a little closer to Hiori’s before Hiori speaks up again.
“The parking lot in front of your home… dyou wanna play there?”
“At this hour?” That is the least worry that Rin has about playing soccer at one am. But he realizes that they both probably mastered the art of doing things to attract the least attention. From video games to playing soccer.
“Why not?” Hiori says, already halfway done with his popsicle.
“Sure,” Rin says. “Let’s just stay here a little longer though…”
Rin leans closer and wraps an arm around Hiori. Hiori returns it. When they hug like this, it’s not out of affection. They’re both lost, they’re both broken, and they know they both need the hug. And he knows they don’t push each other. They’re just a space for them to be broken. Hiori’s not counting on him to fix him.
Hiori, it’d still be great if you could introduce me to myself again. Because I don’t know him anymore.
A cold wind blows past them. For the first time, Rin shivers.
“If I’m being completely honest, I love being a striker… but I hate it as well,” Rin mutters, digging his nails deeper into the side of his legs. It’s something he promised himself to never admit to anyone. Until today.
Hiori has this face whenever he listens to him talk. It’s not absent. It’s active. He reacts. Tiny eyebrow raises, how his little tuft of hair moves when he shifts a bit, little sighs and exhales. They’re all there. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I love having control of the fucking game. I love knowing that all eyes are on me. I love knowing that I’m beating Sae in a game that he’s too much of a coward to even fucking play.” Rin’s voice cracks. “But I also fucking hate it. I hate that I have to surpass Sae. That bitch is already a fairly decent striker. I hate that one single mistake on the field can make me hate myself. I hate knowing-- I hate knowing that I only play this role because of Sae.”
And yet he won’t trade being a striker for the world.
Hiori stares at him for a few more seconds before nodding. “I get it, in a way.”
Hiori looks at him, an invitation for him to continue or not. Rin sighs and leans against him. He closes his eyes. “Tell me more.”
Take me away to the world Hiori Yo lives in.
“I didn’t really mind any role I played in teams, even if people made me center forward a lot… Yeah, it was fun. It didn’t make me feel like I wanted to kill myself. Until my lifegivers came into the picture anyway…I get it. Wanting to feel the thrill again but obligations hold you back…” Hiori takes a deep breath, leaning against him as well. It’s warm. “I wanna want it again.”
I want to want it again, too, were the words that died on Rin’s tongue. Because although no one’s probably ever noticed what had been going on in him, he’s started wanting it again. He’s realized it. When Hiori played against him in that one game, he gained a thirst to beat him. Not to gain back Sae’s approval in the way he wants to beat Yoichi, but simply just to best a skilled player in the game. I want to be able to want it again.
Rin’s thinking gets interrupted by the most silent sound of a phone camera taking a picture. Rin’s eyes widen as he turns to look at Hiori, a teasing little grin as he points his phone camera at him.
“Wait why’d you do that–”
“I’ve never seen ya smile before and honestly it fucking suits ya,” Hiori says, his laugh ringing clear in the silent night.
Oh. So he was smiling… “... you smile a lot for someone in your situation. It’s pretty. And I wonder how you do it…”
Hiori leans against him. “I wonder how, too.”
It feels nice being with Hiori. It’s like they actually can do anything they want, no ties holding them back. No parents, no brother, no rival. Nothing. Just them.
Rin watches Hiori. At some point, he realized he’s in love with Hiori. He knows he is in love with him. That’s the only thing that makes sense. He doesn’t quite remember when he realized, but maybe it was quite early. He knows he wants to spend more time with Hiori. Be closer to Hiori. Maybe hold hands, but that feels more like a bonus. He just wants Hiori.
Rin always waits for the right time before he starts falling. The right time being 6 years of knowing each other. He used to like waiting. It made him feel secure. It made him feel like that he at least won’t make a mistake if he plans it out well enough.
And even if Rin told himself to wait 6 years before falling for Hiori, maybe he already is. And he’s completely okay with that. Because he’s not willing to wait 6 years to fall for someone like Hiori.
Rin realizes this is the first time he stopped himself from waiting.
This is confusing. He knows how his heart flutters whenever Hiori’s around. How he realizes that it really does feel like butterflies in the stomach. How he knows he’ll give anything to see Hiori smile.
He just doesn’t know why he picked Hiori out of everyone. He knew next to nothing about him anyway. He didn’t know yet about their family issues. But that one match… “Look out, Rin-kun!” “Match up with me.” And how Hiori calmly replied, “Sure. Try movin’ round” with his Kyoto accent. He felt like all his strings got cut off. He wanted to feel more of that.
Maybe he doesn’t love Hiori. Just loves what he could make him feel.