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I’ve been in love with Frederick since I first saw him. I love him dearly, so dearly. He knows I’d do anything for him. If his heart fancy, I’d steal the sun. I’d run to the ocean. I’d freeze Hell if he so desires.
Recently he started to act differently. He never talked much, but lately he would talk even less. Even when I explicitly talk to him, he just stares at me without answering. When we sleep I feel his gaze on me. I’m worried about him. I wonder why he acts like that.
Sometimes he’d disappear for hours, for days. He never explains himself when he comes back home. I guess I should be grateful he comes home at all, but I can't help worrying for him. When he leaves at night, I stay up to wait for him. Sometimes I wait very long. I started canceling my meetings with my publisher. I don’t know why but he told me I should take time off. This was very unlikely of him as well. I feel like the whole world went crazy.
I’m having trouble going outside now. Seeing people hurts me. When I see that the world didn't stop, my heart aches. I feel like mine stopped, but I can’t explain this feeling. I guess I’m being melancholic about something. I don’t know what.
The other day, I thought of a joke Frederick would like, but he was nowhere to be found. I was a bit sad that I couldn't share it with him. I went to sleep hoping he’d be back by the morning, but when I woke up I was once again alone in our bed.
Alice came to visit me. She seemed genuinely worried for me, but I can’t comprehend what makes her act like that. We talked about a bit of everything, of anything. When I mentioned her own marriage she seemed uneasy. I wonder if something happened between her and Melly.
My eyes landed on my wedding ring today. It reminds me of Frederick. It hurts when I think of him, but I can’t bring myself to take it off.
I lost my parents at a very young age, but I wasn't particularly at fault. No one was to blame. It was just unfortunate. But your death, it was indeed my fault, and I could have changed that outcome. I'm the one to blame.