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Shou felt like she was roused from her sleep very suddenly. The sky felt somewhat bright already, so she sat up, not wanting to succumb to sleep again, ignoring the knot in her stomach that would have kept her awake whether she liked it or not.
She grabbed her phone off the charger on her nightstand and squinted as she flashed its bright light into her face.
04:49
Shou sighed. Her alarm would’ve gone off soon anyway.
Deciding against breakfast, for she wouldn’t know how to shovel food around the lump in her throat and she wasn’t hungry in the slightest, Shou was soon out the door. Even with the quick shower she took, it was barely ten past.
She checked for phone, wallet, keys; all things she should have done before closing the door behind her, and things she normally doesn’t do anyway, much to Nazrin’s chagrin, but she did them now.
Perhaps out of some misplaced desire to comfort her girlfriend. Perhaps she was just stalling. It doesn’t matter now. She put her headphones on and picked a happy playlist on her phone. Shou smiled as it began to play, and she slid her phone into her pocket.
That’s not how music works for Shou however, and she knew that well. Her forced smile fell, and she took her phone out again, choosing a more melancholic playlist this time. She sighed and… reluctantly began to walk.
Her footsteps matched the music she listened to. As she was on her way, she took a whiff of the cool air to calm herself down. Shou passed by countless streetlights and buildings, navigating mostly on auto-pilot while lost in thought, the only thing driving her forward a small voice in the back of her mind reminding her to take another step, over and over.
She saw Nazrin just yesterday. Everything seemed so easy, then. Her laughter sounded warm, and the way her body shook against Shou’s shoulder a little bit as she laughed felt nice in a wonderful way.
It was their third anniversary that day. The knot in Shou’s stomach was then, as well, but Nazrin’s smile made her forget all about it. Nazrin would blush just a little bit when Shou brought her hand to stroke through her thick grey hair. She would mumble something about not being a little kid, it was more of a call-back to good old times than anything else. Shou knew how much Nazrin liked the feeling, and she would lean back with a satisfied sigh and close her eyes, savouring it.
A small cake sat forgotten on the table as Nazrin relaxed against Shou. Their fingers were interlaced on Nazrin’s lap, and Shou’s free hand played with her hair, her fingertips sometimes lightly touching Nazrin’s neck, just how she liked it.
They spent most of that day together and made love before Shou went home. Not because they particularly felt like it, but because it was their anniversary. That’s not to say Shou didn’t enjoy it, though. It felt nice being close to Nazrin.
She couldn’t help the shaky sigh on her lips, and it made a little puff as her hot breath mingled with the cool morning air. There were nice moments with Nazrin, of course. Most of them, even. But the two of them were stagnant.
Shou told both herself and Nazrin over and over that they could overcome things, they just had to communicate. Petty arguments kept piling up and up. The two of them always knew how to fix it and wrap it up with a neat little bow. Words like “I’m sorry”, once so difficult to say, began to feel numb as they rolled off of Shou’s tongue.
Little by little, though the arguments became more simple in nature, they became harder to end. The two had grown blind to each other’s, and their own, feelings.
“You always do this, Shou, everytime I make even the slightest criticism- no, observation, about you, you bring up something I do instead. Do you think I don’t see you’re deflecting?”
“If this is truly something I always do, then why have you never pointed it out until now? Have I done something to bother you so much each time and you never said anything about it? How is that fair?”
“Do you expect me to just bring up every single thing that bothers me? We’d be here all day, Shou.”
“Are you that dissatisfied, then? Do I bother you so much that you can’t even say it?”
Nazrin’s eyes went wide for a moment, and her brows furrowed even further. “What the hell are you playing at? What do you honestly expect me to say to that?”
“Do you love me, Nazrin?” Shou asked. Stupid. Stupid. What was that for?
She grit her teeth, wiping at her eyes. “Of course I do. Why would you ask me that? That’s so cruel, Shou. You know I love you.”
Shou found herself staring at a distant advertisement as she recounted one of their arguments. She really was getting lost in thought a lot.
Though she had eaten nothing, she felt sick. She imagined Nazrin’s tearful red face, remembered her strong desire to hold her when she saw it. Just when did I start to resent her? Shou quietly asked herself.
She stared at her own feet for a while, unable to move forward. Nazrin had been at her side when she bought these white boots. The knot in her stomach grew tighter and tighter.
She forced herself to move forward, step by step. The closer she got, the harder it became to move forward, and the harder it would be to turn back. In the distance, she saw a silhouette among the fog. Shou walked towards it, trying to look at anything else, but not trying to avoid it too hard, the idea being she would somehow forget it’s there.
Her rubber soles made a soft sound each time they hit the pavement. Her shadow kept growing longer and shorter as she passed by streetlights, until they snapped off, cruelly denying her the distraction.
Nazrin and Shou held eye contact for about the last twenty metres, not saying anything until Shou stopped in front of her, taking off her headphones. Nazrin was well dressed, and she was looking as composed and casual as ever. Still, Shou could tell she was shivering just a little.
“Good morning,” she said with a small smile. She sounded kind of cute when she was worried.
Shou smiled at her. It was an earnest, loving smile. Nazrin looked so pretty. “Nazrin…” she began.
Those red eyes that can look at Shou with such fondness, such cruelty. They looked really intense now.
Shou felt like she was being strangled as she forced herself to speak. “We’ve kind of lost sight of the present, haven’t we?”
Nazrin was quiet. She looked like she wanted to say something, but decided against it.
Shou breathed in the cool morning air, and sighed. Her voice was definitely shaky. “We’re only ever looking forward to things being better in the future. We’ve been doing that for three years now.”
Nazrin wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “Yeah.” Her voice was so soft.
The two of them must have stood there in silence for a while, with Nazrin quietly sniffling. For some reason, Shou couldn’t cry, even if a part of her wanted to.
“I think we should just end it.”
Nazrin pressed her lips together, burying her eyes in her sleeve. Shou felt paralyzed, looking at her. I wonder if the bakery is open yet. Maybe she could fool herself into forgetting the way her chest hurt.
Shou’s feet felt numb as she continued to walk, Nazrin’s quiet voice fading in the distance until she decided to put her headphones back on.
Step by step.
Step by step. She couldn’t look back, not even a little. She had to keep walking.
The morning dew rolled off the leaves of the bushes she passed. She remembered the feeling of Nazrin’s warm hands on her own. Her warm breath tickled her cold skin as she leaned in close, and Shou’s grip on the umbrella faltered as they kissed in the rain.
She remembered the way her heart hammered in her chest as she walked into Minamitsu’s garden holding Nazrin’s hand. Her surprised expression slowly turned into a smug smile as she understood that Shou and Nazrin had finally started dating.
The soft sigh that left Nazrin’s lips as she leaned her head in her hands across from Shou at the table. Her hair would curl up just a little as it got caught in her arm, and her cheeks were a bit pink as she smiled at Shou. “You’re such a dork. Never change.”
The way Shou was able to get the usually uptight and composed Nazrin to giggle like a child as she wrapped a particularly long scarf around both their necks. “Now let’s try walking home like this.” “We’re just going to bump into each other all the time, you know?” And they did, laughing each time.
The times Shou would be so concentrated on putting her mascara on in the mirror, she wouldn’t even notice Nazrin sneaking up behind her and wrapping her arms around Shou, pressing herself to her back.
She would often wear that reddish-purple sweater that felt so nice whenever they hugged. She would tap the rhythm to the song she was listening to on Shou’s hand as they sat in the train together. She would struggle to keep her stern gaze as her eyes met Shou’s across the room.
Shou’s tears warmed her icy cheeks. Her breaths came quick and shallow as she kept moving forward. She’s never loved anyone as much as she loves this girl.
A part of her wished Nazrin would follow after her.