Work Text:
the hot water in
the abandoned kettle
slowly cools
still carrying the resentment
of colder water
A Spray of Water: Tanka [the hot water in] by Tada Chimako
When Hinata went to the frontline, she was sure that she fought for a cause. An important cause. She didn’t remember what it was, to be very honest. It didn’t matter now, all that was left were rubbles and wooden temporary houses. The grave she visited this morning was clean, she left flowers there to ease the feeling of being empty. Not allowed to train, she read instead, feeling even more restless as time passed by. She picked a poetry book by accident and arrived at this particular page. At first, it didn’t make any sense to her at all, like most poems tend to be. But she started wondering if she was like hot water that was slowly cooling down. Seemed like her passion for anything vanished into thin air, leaving her with resentment that she didn’t know the cause of.
It did feel like everything was simmering down. The battle happened during autumn, the worst season to have any sort of conflict, really. Winter came after that, unrelenting. Her hot, rage-filled determination froze and shattered. Nobody told her that she had to survive after the war. She didn’t want to, she thought she would die in a ditch and be done with it. There were people who deserved to be alive more than her. Like the person that she just visited this morning, he didn’t deserve to die. Especially not because she wasn’t strong enough to do anything other than be a human shield.
Spring warmed the world, then came summer. The Hyuuga recovered and rebuilt their home. Breathing. Healing. But Hinata didn’t feel any different. She shivered when the wind passed by. Feeling faint and weak. There were more guards around the Main House, resisting her attempts to go out, even for air. So now, she had chosen to just stay in her room, away from anybody. Reading was the only thing she could do. If she was left doing absolutely nothing, her mind would eat her up. A poetry book wasn’t the best choice to avoid any sort of thinking, though. She should’ve picked up a reference book, maybe one about flowers, that would be nice.
"Hello."
Hinata shifted her eyes from the book she was reading to look at her sister. Hanabi stood in front of her, bringing along two cups of green tea. A polite smile formed on Hinata’s face and she scooched a little bit to the left, a silent invitation for Hanabi to sit next to her. “Hello to you too, Hanabi-chan.”
“Uhmm, I know that we have powerful eyes,” Hanabi set down the cups and took a seat. Giving a respectful space between her and her sister. She avoided Hinata’s gaze and looked down. “But it’s not good to read in the darkness.”
It was, indeed, growing dimmer and dimmer by the minute. Evening almost fell completely. The last ray of sunshine flickered behind the trees. She shuddered and realized that she hadn’t had any meal this afternoon. Oh well, she’d have dinner right after this then.
“Ah, yes. You are right,” Hinata closed her book and put it to the side. “So,” Hinata picked up her cup and started to breathe in, appreciating the smell of the tea. Hanabi made it just perfect. “How was your day?”
“Good, I guess?” Hanabi nonchalantly shrugged, “It’s really hot today. I felt like I was going to melt into the ground when training was over,” she picked her own cup and started sipping slowly. “Uhm, how about you, Hinata-neesama?”
Hinata slowly drank her tea, looking beyond her little part of the garden from the engawa . Little talks weren't her strong suit, she considered herself adequate. But today just wasn’t the day, she felt cynical somehow. Beaten. Tired. She contemplated how to answer. “I’m doing good.”
A lie. She was not at all good. Her eyes were still throbbing painfully when she tried to activate her Byakugan. All the doctors that she had gone to only told her to rest, that the stress made her heal very slowly. Every single doctor. Sakura even said not to use her Byakugan at all. Nonsense. It was already June, more than eight months since the war ended. She should be back doing missions by now, not staying at home resting.
“O… oh…” Hanabi swung her legs, back and forth. She looked anxious, Hinata wondered why. “How about…” Hanabi picked the skin around her thumb, she tried to look Hinata in the eyes but failed to, landing on looking at her sister’s shoulder instead. “How about the book that you were reading? Is it any good?”
Well, that was odd. Hanabi usually didn’t show interest in the things that she liked. She put her cup in her lap and rotated that piece of ceramic slowly in her hands. Why did she also feel anxious? This was her little sister, she should’ve felt at ease with her. “It is a book of poems, I can not say it’s bad. But the writing style isn't what I like either.”
“Oh… so uhm…” Hanabi wrung her hands, barely noticing that her tea was going cold. “Would you recommend that I read the book?”
Hanabi rarely visited her room, there was no special occasion that prompted her to come today. And what was going on with Hanabi’s nervous jitter? She was usually so calm and collected. Was Hanabi here because the elders told her to? Did Hinata do something wrong and they sent Hanabi to tell her off? Hinata hasn’t been the heiress in a long while, she was not used to this kind of attention now that she was reinstated back. She understood that Hanabi mustn’t be the heiress, given her young age and the urgency the clan was facing. But really, the elders should just stop pretending to care and leave Hinata be, they were the ones who locked her up in here. Distracted, Hinata shrugged and said, “If you want to.”
Hinata instantly regretted her tone of voice, she didn’t mean to sound so cold. She was just not used to the fact that her sister was here. In the engawa in front of her room. In her private section of the Main House. Could she have peace for just a day without people bothering her? Without people searching for her? Nobody ever cared if she was home or not before the war, but these days, these past few months, everyone kept checking on her like she was some sort of mentally ill person. She was fine, she was just frustrated that her Byakugan wasn’t working and she had to stay in the house instead of going off to do missions with Shino, Kiba, and Akamaru. She felt so useless, she just wanted to be left alone.
Well, not that her sister was a bother to her, it was just very strange. What would her sister want to talk about that she made the effort to approach first? Before the war, they barely talked to each other. Hanabi did send her off with a warm smile before going to a hideout, but that was it. After that, Hanabi would only nod if they were passing each other in the hall, which was a letdown in itself. She thought the two of them could grow back together after the war was over. But they never had a real conversation. Until today. Was Hanabi going ill? Did Hinata have to be concerned?
Hinata kept wondering and wondering until she was snapped back into reality by Hanabi’s calls of her name in frustrated huffs. “Huh, what was it?”
Hinata heard Hanabi muttering something like, “ This is no use ”, and almost didn’t catch Hanabi’s hand when she started to walk away angrily. “Wait! I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you!” She balanced the cup that almost fell over in her lap and put it to the side. “Please stay.”
Hanabi sat back in the engawa, avoiding looking at Hinata in the eyes. Hinata smiled apologetically and caressed her sister’s hair. “Your hair is getting longer,” she said in a soft voice but retracted her hand after a very short while, scared that she went over the line of their personal boundaries. She cleared her throat and asked, “What was that you were saying?”
“Nevermind that.”
“Okay…” Oh, Hanabi got offended. Hinata was unsure what she should say next. Should she change the topic? Should she press Hanabi to say what she was going to say earlier? Should she just let her sister leave? “You said you were training before, what jutsu that you were trying to perfect?”
In a tiny voice, Hanabi answered, “ Kaiten .”
“Ah, Kaiten ,” Hinata nodded in sympathy. She had not mastered Kaiten yet. Neji did teach her how to do it, before the war, but Kaiten needed you to be in a particular mental state of being. Confident but not proud. Precise but not strict. Glide but not float. Mastering Kaiten required artistry. Hanabi already did great by the glimpse that she managed to get. Her sister was really hard-working and talented. Unlike herself. “I think you only need a little bit more practice until you master it, you are almost there.”
Again, in a tiny voice, Hanabi answered, “Thank you.”
They both went silent. Cicadas were loud out there, drowning out any word that Hinata attempted to say. Streetlights glittered throughout the village. Absentmindedly, Hinata reached for her tea again, it was completely cold. She drank the rest of her tea, emptied her cup, Hanabi followed suit. “How was the tea, Neesama?”
“Ah,” Hinata put her cup back on the tray. “The tea was perfect, Hanabi-chan. I appreciate it.”
“Truly?”
Hinata blinked in realization, it just clicked in her brain that this was the first time ever her sister offered tea. To anyone, it seemed. She didn’t notice that Hanabi wanted to impress her, never had anyone tried to do that before. She felt like laughing, but she realized she hadn’t laughed in a while and the feeling of it made her face contort uncomfortably. “Truly, your tea was amazing. Thank you very much for sharing it with me.”
Hanabi’s cheeks reddened and she grinned. Hinata missed those, Hanabi used to laugh loudly when they were far younger. A Hyuuga rarely expressed anything that openly. Feeling more relaxed, Hinata teasingly said, “You look your age when you smile like that.”
Gasped, Hinata’s remark really took back Hanabi. She even half-shouted, “You mean I look old ?!”
Smiling, Hinata waved her hands in front of her to ward off Hanabi’s arm slaps. “No, I mean you usually look mature. That’s different!”
That broke the ice of their awkwardness. Hanabi looked at her with underlying hope, she became bolder as well and started to meet Hinata in the eyes. Their conversation went on more easily. At some point, Hinata forgot that she was feeling grumpy as they talked about mochi ’s flavors. Her shoulders started to relax as they debated on what fruit was the best fruit of summer. She was at ease when the conversation about fashion took place.
It didn’t last long, however. Just as Hinata was about to laugh, a thought came to her, a mean one. Her brain was telling her to stop, to put distance, as she didn’t deserve to feel joy. She was alive, but she really shouldn’t be. Didn’t she just visit him this morning? Didn’t she know that he couldn’t be happy anymore because he died for her? He couldn’t live anymore because she killed him. She didn’t have any right to be happy.
At the same time, Hinata’s body tried to remind her that she needed to eat something by giving her a terrible headache. She also noticed that it grew colder and colder, and she shivered even more. Hanabi noticed that and offered a concerned look, “Are you really feeling good today?”
“Oh, of course, definitely.”
“You don’t look like it, though.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay.”
Hanabi wasn’t convinced by Hinata’s half-hearted attempt at avoidance. She recoiled into herself and sadly whispered, “You don’t have to lie to me, you know?”
Oh, now Hinata felt guilty. Really, she was only meant to not make anyone worry about her. A good-intentioned lie. With a firmer voice, she answered, “I’m doing great today, definitely better than yesterday, my wounds are healing nicely.”
“That’s good,” Hanabi nodded a little, braving to look at Hinata’s face. “I hope you will keep getting better,” she twirled the end of her hair and shifted her gaze from Hinata again. “You’ll get better,” hesitating in her words, Hanabi looked down even deeper, “right…?”
Hinata was a bit taken aback by her sister’s question. Hanabi sounded like she was holding back tears. That behavior was not like her sister, Hanabi was the strong one. Hanabi never cried, not for anything. It touched her heart that Hanabi cared so much about her recovery to the point of being swept away by emotions. “I’m doing my best every day to heal, my wounds aren’t that serious,” Noticing that Hanabi’s shoulders were shaking, she added, “I’ll be okay, truly.”
“I was so glad,” Hanabi choked back and gulped down her words. She tried again, “I was so glad that you came back alive.” She covered her face with her hands, still trying not to cry. “I feel like a horrible human being, but I’m so glad that you are one of the people who survived the war.” it was no use, Hanabi's tears weren’t stopping, she leaned away from Hinata’s attempt to comfort her. “But even though you came back, you weren’t the sister I remembered.”
“Oh, Hanabi…” A slight haze filled her vision. Hinata hadn’t shed tears since they buried their dead. She wondered if she even could hold this much love for any person nowadays. To be grateful that anyone survived, to the point of feeling remorse when she wasn’t sad enough for the other victims. Hinata gulped down bile, she had been busy being angry at herself, she didn’t notice that her sister needed her like this. She wanted to hold her sister, offering warmth, but she didn’t think it was a good idea. Not right now.
“You used to smile a lot more…” Hanabi hiccuped her words with great effort. “When I wake up in the morning, I search for you but I don’t recognize you at all,” Hanabi hid her face even deeper, “I keep wishing that my sister would come back for me, that she’ll feel better and greet me with a smile like before, a real smile,” Hanabi’s yukata sleeves were drenched, Hinata’s heart twisted in her chest. “But that day never came, so I thought, I have to make sure… that you are still you and not an illusion…”
Racking her brain, Hinata knew that it was probably best to just let Hanabi cry and vent out her feelings. But she felt awkward again, she didn’t know what to do with her sister. She couldn’t offer physical comfort and sending Hanabi off to rest was just plain rude. At last, she decided, “Wait for me, I will come back quickly.”
Hinata stood up and left, giving Hanabi what she thought was a much-needed space. She went to the kitchen and fetched some water. People greeted her on the way back to her room but she didn’t pay that much attention to them. She came to a still sobbing Hanabi, pried her sister’s arms open, and put the glass of water in her hands. “Please, drink this, Hanabi-chan. I don’t want you to dehydrate.”
Hanabi sipped, almost choking in the process. Hinata sighed and sat back down again, closer this time, Hanabi didn’t move away. That was a good sign. As much as she believed that her sister was mature, Hanabi was only 12. She was still a kid. A kid that survived a war without actually understanding what it was.
“I’m sorry,” Hinata looked down, counting the pebbles near her feet. “War does that to people, Hanabi-chan,” She put her hands on her lap and wondered about the possibilities of a world where they didn’t have to fight for peace. For freedom. “A lot of things had happened, I didn’t even notice I came back different.”
“But you did.”
“But I did, yes.”
“Will the Hinata that I know come back?”
Hinata smiled a sad one, “Maybe,” She took Hanabi’s hand in hers and held it tight. “Maybe not. But Hanabi, this new Hinata still loves you as much as the old one did, maybe even more now that she finally understands the real meaning of loss,” Hinata hesitated but reached to caress Hanabi’s hair with her other hand. “My heart burns with the determination to protect you.”
Hanabi wiped her eyes dry and offered a firm look, “I want to protect you too.”
Hinata smiled, sweeter this time, “I know.”
“You’ll continue to get better still, right?”
“Of course.”
Hanabi moved closer until Hinata could hug her, and they stayed close for a while. Hinata felt the evening grew colder but Hanabi kept her warm. Hanabi buried her head on top of her sister’s shoulder, “Can you pet my hair again? It feels nice.” Hinata smiled softer and complied with her sister’s request.
Hanabi calmed down and slowly rose, she tugged at Hinata’s hand, still connected with hers. “Let’s get something to eat. I’m starving.”
Hinata appreciated Hanabi’s kindness for not pointing out her growling stomach.
one narcissus
draws close to another
like the only
two adolescent boys
in the universe
A Spray of Water: Tanka [one narcissus] by Tada Chimako