Work Text:
KAITO MOMOTA POV:
I, Kaito Momota, the ultimate astronaut, am with Kokichi Ouma, the supreme leader, with minutes left before I carry out his crazy plan.
I see him glance up at me with a look that contrasts the Kokichi I saw earlier today.
A more nervous Kokichi seemed to have taken the normal Kokichis place. If he was trying to hide his feelings, it wasn't going well. I might be a little on the slow side, but I can clearly see the beads of sweat that dropped from his forehead and onto his now bare torso. My eyes took me to his hands, and he was shaking ever so slightly. I thought to myself, maybe this was his true self, under all those lies and deception. You've got nothing to lose if you're on your deathbed, so why keep this facade when you know it's going to do nothing about the situation you're in. It would make sense if he did just put aside his outward persona.
“Hey Kaito?” I heard a soft voice from the hydraulic press. It was Kokichi, though, it didn't sound anything like him, it was quieter and more relaxed (it was rather relaxed for someone going to die in the next minute or so). So much different than the Kokichi I and the class knew.
“Yeah Kokichi? What is it?” I replied back to him.
“I-" he stopped for a minute, and i could see him contemplating what to say next.
"I-I'm sorry Kaito, for everything.” He replied fast, and slightly winced. I could tell that it hurt to talk, from that poison in his system, I'm surprised he's not unconscious right now.
“What?” I had to confirm what I heard was true. There's no way he would be saying sorry.
“I'm sorry for being such a dick to you, and everyone to be frank” The same quick response.
My eyes widened in shock and confusion. How was Kokichi, THE Kokichi apologising for being an ass, let alone anything?? I couldn't believe it, maybe this was one of his lies to make me feel sorry for himself or something. But even then what would be the point in that? He's dying, and ,to be honest, I am too, so there's no reason to lie. But you never know Kokichis next move, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was lying.
“Y-you wanna know something f-funny?” Another wince.
“Sure, why not?” I was expecting something like an insult, or a sex joke even I'm not going to lie.
“I’m scared, so scared. Of everything. But I hate the feeling of fear,so I brush it off and try, oh boy do I try, to keep a confident front. But it's hard, you know, knowing that no ones there for you, no ones actually going to know how you feel and they’re just gonna see you as a monster who just lies, nothing less, nothing more.”
He takes a deep breath. A long deep breath.
My eyes widened again. I wasn't expecting this, is that how he truly feels? I suppose all of us just assumed that there was no effect on the boy because of the killing, after all, he was enjoying it. Or it seemed like it anyways. We never even thought about Kokichi and how he felt, it was everyone else, but never him.
“Watching everyone else, being able to grieve properly, not having to worry about people thinking that you're lying about how you truly feel, not having to worry about being called a faker, it hurts you know? Sometimes I wish that I had someone who I could talk to, someone who I could hold and just be able to cry without them judging me or thinking I'm lying.But then I remember that I brought this upon myself, and there's nothing to do about it. So I have to continue with this façade until I go out. But I can't, and as much as I want to, I can't. Every feeling I experience, there's always that fear lingering around, and I can't do anything about it, you know?” Another pause. An agonising long pause.
I think carefully about what he's just said. Immediately, a wave of guilt and realisation swarms my mind. We NEVER thought about him, we always dehumanised him, never thinking about how he could be like us, scared, afraid and alone. Except the others and me aren't alone, we have each other to talk to, to share our grieves and feelings to but Kokichi, he has no one. He’s had no one from the start and he's just been suffering in silence whilst we continued to discard him like he was a piece of garbage taken to be thrown out.
I think we all forgot how kokichi was a human being, a person with feelings just like us, is in the same situation as us, feeling the same emotions as us. I can tell this isn't easy for him, with the way he’s looking around for something to distract him whilst he speaks.
I feel so horrible. I had sworn to help all my classmates, to help them through any tough times that they’re experiencing and to always be there for them. But I had forgotten about Kokichi and how he actually felt. If I had actually taken the time to actually try and understand Kokichi properly, he could have felt more loved, more like he belonged with us and not have to suffer whilst putting up a confident front.
“So” Kokichi continued, “to push those thoughts of loneliness away, I acted like a dickhead, and I pushed everyone away. I thought it would help, to not get attached to the others, but clearly it didn’t since I'm here talking about how I feel haha. I mean, it wasn't the only reason, I thought that if I worked solo I would find the mastermind more effectively, not having to worry about people questioning my thoughts, but now I see that I shouldn't have done that. I should have tried to be more likeable, to have tried to actually get along with everyone. Because pushing people away, surprise surprise, worsened my loneliness. But I've gotten so far, why stop?”
I feel like absolute shit, I should have done more to make sure that ALL my classmates were doing okay. Not only me, everyone should have. We should have been there for Kokichi and we should have tried to get to know him a little better.
“So for that reason, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through,for everything I've put you all through. I'm sorry for being an asshole, I'm sorry for never confronting my feelings and running away. I'm sorry for acting insensitive for all those deaths. Especially for Gontas and mius death. I really did care for Gonta. I really did, and I hope after this, you won't think otherwise.” Kokichi stops, and I see him blink and tears start to fall. One by one, they start to drop. His hand reaches up to wipe them away, as more and more start to fall. It didn't last very long, the tears, and they were stopped by him.
I start moving closer to Kokichi and stop when I'm in front of him.
“Kokichi, could I say something?” I say to him, sitting by kokichi. He looks up at me.
“Sure, Kaito. What do you have to say to me?”
“I should be the one who’s saying sorry. I'm sorry for not seeing how you still have feelings, like the rest of us. I'm sorry for not acknowledging how you would be affected. I had told myself that I would be there for everyone, but I failed in that. I failed to help you, I failed to make you feel that you're not on your own in this. And I'm sorry for that, though I'm saying this a bit too late.” I chuckle a little, and kokichi does too.
I smile at kokichi, trying to light up the mood a little. But i'm not done, i want kokichi to realise that i truly am sorry for everything.
“And I'm sorry for everyone, including me, for making you feel like you couldn't speak about your thoughts and feelings. I regret not trying to know you a little better, not trying to understand why you do the things you do. If I had actually tried to take the time to do that, things may have been different.” I stop and take a breather.
A small sigh comes out of my mouth, and I see Kokichi genuinely baffled. A small smile appears on kokichis face, and I smile back at him.
“I want you to know that I care for you, and that I'm here for you, even though it's late for that. I should have been saying sorry wayyyy earlier, but i didn't, cause i was blinded. So I'm sorry.”
I can see Kokichi tearing up and i take my hand and hold his hand.
“Thank you, as much as I said you should have thought more with your brain and not with your heart, I guess it was nice to see you defend your friends just because they were your friends. And I might have said that your optimism was boring and that you should change it, but I think that's what kept me going up until now. I probably would have been wayy off if it wasn't for your optimism funnily enough. You’re a good person Kaito, you care for others and it's clear to see, and I wouldn't want to spend my last moments with anyone else. Thank you for this” He looks at me with a small smile, and it looked genuine.
I wrapped my arms around Kokichi and he relaxed a little bit. He slowly wrapped his arms against my back, and we were both in this embrace for a couple of minutes, before kokichi spoke up again.
“Hey,we have to go through with the plan, I didn't waste my time planning this for nothing you know!” He says with a pouty face. There's the kokichi I know.
I laugh a little before nodding. I had completely forgotten that Kokichi was dying today and there's nothing I can do about it. I slowly stand and look back at kokichi. This is the last time I'll be seeing him, and it pains me that I didn't get to know him better.
“You know, you aren't that bad, you’re pretty nice to talk to,” I say to him with a smile on my face.
“You too kaito, I think we could have been friends if things worked out differently, but we can't change the past now can we? So, no point in dwelling on it. So, this is my farewell to you, kaito momota, see you in another life!” Kokichi said with a big smile. I couldn't help but smile back at him, even though he is going to be crushed.
I walked back to the controls and waited for kokichis cue.
Once I had gotten my signal, I pressed start on the camera and the hydraulic press. I watched as the press got lower and lower and lower. Until it had finally reached its end. I winced at the amount of blood that had coloured the area.
I couldn't believe it, I had just killed the boy who had bared his heart and soul to me.
I will never see him again, and that's because of me. I will never be able to talk to him again, I will never be able to tell him that it's okay to be scared. I will never be able to hug him again.
That was his last hug from me, and my last hug from him.
I quickly existed the scene, with only one thought in my head
I, Kaito Momota, the ultimate astronaut, have killed Kokichi Ouma, the ultimate supreme leader, and I will never be able to bring him back.