Work Text:
The night is young. You have nothing to do.
The dinner was a mess, everything fall out of place - you can't even begin to start with the conversations you weren't in on, how Logan was looking on, knowing his kids were failing him for a deal that's already bad.
It was strange, how you were a part of it. But being close to Frank, you were close to the Pierces. Logan didn't seem to take that into account. Not that it mattered, the dinner was a disaster nonetheless. But he saw the hug Nan gave you. You were the first to be greeted since you were side by side with Frank. You held his hand. You couldn't walk with Roman - Tabitha was his date for this.
You've been alone like that for a good while, you can't blame anyone. You can't be jealous - that part is over, you can't fight your loneliness with more Roman. You haven't been indulging for his need to do wrong things - more touches outside of conventional friendship.
So, you've been talking to Frank, your older guardian.
"You've brought me animals."
Nan let Frank go, turning her smile to you.
"And look at you, when was the last time you've let me see you? Your father has trapped you with the beasts and you're ten feet taller."
You smile wide, taking in her hug, turning to take in the confused face of Roman - looking at you like you've done something stupid. You can't tell how Logan looks under his sunglasses.
When everyone mixes, Tabitha takes you away to walk with Naomi, who's somewhat of a childhood friend. You gave Roman and small, low middle finger.
"Us girls, having to deal with fun, Roy-time bullshit."
Naomi mms. Tabitha squeezes you.
"This one, she's been doing it - what? Thirty years?"
"Oh, I know - those weekends where the Roy babies were all you could talk about. Child Roy-time bullshit. You're practically an expert."
"Damn right."
And that was that. You saw the way Kendall was looking at Naomi. If you were different, if you didn't know Kendall - if you really believed in your hope that he was in recovery, you would think it cute.
"Romulus, when you laugh, please do it at the same volume as everyone else. We didn't get you from a hyena farm."
You watch Kendall's face to see if he laughs. It's the first time you don't watch Roman's. It feels wrong to - Tabitha's long term. You shouldn't feel entitled to anything. Maybe new friends, or someone you can go to so you don't look at strung-along loser, like the odd-man out in family holiday photos. Not that the Roys ever took those.
"And you." Logan pointed to you. "You're sprung - be a miniature Frank, but actually act as if you like where you work. They like you. It can work."
"Got it."
And that was that. Everyone left the room, Kendall behind you.
"Orders from the big guy?"
"...As everyday."
"Hey," Roman snaps. " Go pretend that you aren't so antsy that you're willing to do gutter coke. Go - shoo."
"Yeah."
Kendall leaves your sight. Roman pokes your shoulder.
"It is getting very, very frustrating that you don't want have astronomical amounts of cardinal-illegal intimacy." He bumps your shoulder, looking around - as if Tabitha will catch him. You wonder if someone like her would really care, but you still can't. "We're not even boring buddies - like talking about haircuts and lunches. It's like you just hate me? You hate me now."
"No, Rome. Just...you know why."
It's wrong, but you think Roman's realizing the fact that it's wrong and he's wanting more of it. Cause that has to be the only reason he's looking for what you used to give him even though he has Tabitha.
"Mm. Yeah, that's a very good - valid reason but uh...it's getting fucking annoying."
"Roman?"
"You holding hands with Frank ? You walking with him - you've been ignoring me as if my relationship means you no longer have access to fun - and my dick or at least like uh...very interesting, regular conversation that we usually have."
You squeeze his hand.
"Okay, I'll see you at dinner."
"No, fuck you - let's talk, let's talk about you being boring or like a new, fun thing."
"Bye, Rome-"
"Yeah, bye. Fucking - the nasty penis in vagina we could be having? All those insults and hits you used to hit at me, it's happening with Tabs tonight. You can join if you want."
That shouldn't hurt.
"She's your girlfriend. You do that."
And that was that. Dinner was dinner. You just alone, making small talk and you think you did go. You hear Kendall and Naomi's conversation. It's where you feel it in your bones, as someone who hasn't been doing drugs for a long time, that they're not in recovery. The way they look at each other is destructive. But what can do you to stop the both of them from finding each other tonight or the next when you're barely a friend to Kendall - not the way you were when he was 18 and you were 15 in the houses and clubs when Roman was at Saint Andrews.
That feels familiar now, for some reason. Distance between you and Roman and you alone, but you don't have Kendall now. Maybe you shouldn't want what you had when you were 14 and 15.
"Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah. Fine. Just - thinking."
"That's never good."
Kendall smiles at you and you smile at Kendall. His eyes are always light, smaller when he does - when his smile is thin.
Then it all came down to Shiv and Nan. Logan and Nan, no amount of your slight likability that appeals to the Pierces could do anything.
"Come on, Dad. Just tell them it's going to be me."
You turn in your bed, trying to forget the memory - trying to pretend the room is not as cold as it is. Trying to forget that Roman's with Tabitha, the thought becoming more big even though it's not a wrong thought.
You're just a friend. It's over, that part of what you had with Roman is over. You blink.
You wonder if Kendall is with Naomi. The way the thought doesn't hurt at all and is only a question feels good.
Maybe you should talk to him. Maybe you should just...you want someone to talk to you. You don't think asking if you could talk to Frank about that book he's been reading would do well for the both of you.
Your phone buzzes as you feel the thought of going to Kendall's room. You check it.
'Should I come to your room or do you want to meet up in these yankee-gatsby Pierce bathrooms?'
You don't reply to Roman. You leave your phone in the room.
'You sounded pissy when I said me and Tabitha have nasty sex. As much as I was denying it tonight for the sake of the company, we are basically without penis and vagina. It's okay that you're mega jealous, though. That was hot for me, as your only friend.'
The halls are colder.
'I love you you idiot baby. I'll come over soon.'
You find Kendall's room. You passed Frank's on the way here, there's a part of you that almost chickened-out, thought to play it safe by talking literature with him, but no.
You've been getting closer to Kendall over the days - a bit more work lunches, texts outside of the worktalk. It feels good, like sips of water against a dry throat. But it's nothing really different. There's still so much distance between what you had long ago. That friendship.
You knock. When he doesn't answer, you think he's probably not even there.
You feel like you're 14 and coming to see if you can sleep in his room when you were sleeping over with Shiv. He always said you could.
You think you hear shuffling. It's a moment before the door opens. Kendall's shirtless.
And drunk. The only thing that would make it as if you were 14 or 15 again would be if you were drunk on whatever Kendall was giving you too.
He's silent, but he seems shocked you're standing in front of him.
"Hey."
"Hey, are you...what's up?"
It's like he can't understand why you're here. You suddenly feel stupid.
"I just-would - would I be bothering you if I came in right now? Do you have somethi-"
"No, no. Uh...it's - it's fine. Just, why? Not that - not that it's bad or anything, just curious."
"I know it seems stupid but...I just wanna hang out. I know it's late and you've probably had your time with whoever already but-"
"What do you mean?"
You shake your head.
"Nothing. This is stupid, I should go-"
"No. I said it's fine."
He sounds the same as when he would get you to stay if you felt too young or weird to be with him and his friends - sometimes you did, sometimes you just wanted to go home to see if Frank wanted to watch a movie.
He opens the door. You realize he's just in his underwear. Which is fine, you've see that before as friends - and it is night.
When you turn around to see that thin smile, you don't feel as tight. You feel like you can be stupid - that the distance between him and you as friends come closer.
You flop onto his bed, legs hanging off and arms stretched.
"You like Naomi?"
"What?"
You smile at how familiar this feels.
"Just...did you hang out with her tonight? After that dinner. How you feeling, by the way?"
"I did but, yeah. I did. But I'm here so - and I'll be fine, obviously."
He gestures to himself. You smile more, hands coming to dance on your stomach.
"You jealous?"
You blink, swallowing.
"No. Why would I be when I am perfectly happy to be the person who bothers you when we should both be asleep?"
"Cause you are here. It's just...it's a little confusing."
"Do you want me here?"
It's silent for a bit. Just until you see Kendall sit beside your legs.
"Yeah. I do. You - you know that. But...just wondering why you would want to be here."
"Am I not your friend?"
"Rome's your friend, I think we would assume you would be with him."
Your smile falls.
"Let's talk about fun, friend things."
You feel a hand on your thigh. You feel like...
That feels familiar, and it doesn't feel like the best thing.
"I missed this."
At the sudden confession, you remember he's drunk.
"You want something to drink?"
"You have something in this room?"
"Well, not really supposed to but...apparently I'm on a rebel streak. It's on the bedside table."
You look, you could take some wine right now - but when you move across the bed, you notices pills and coke near the bottle.
"Ken."
"Not the - don't focus on that, straightener."
"Where did you get it?"
"Naomi gave me the leftovers after we - parted our ways or whatever. Just...one and done straightener. That's all. I know you don't do that anymore so...but if you wanted to."
"Yeah.
In the way he was the reason you started when you were 14, he would be the reason you could relapse. You mm, hands flexing as you just decide to lie on the bed.
You think about anything else. Books Frank read to you and whatever the hell Tom tries to talk to you about when he's trying to make you like him, or Shiv laughing - or Roman. Or him breathing when he's sleeping.
But you know there's coke six inches away from you and you can't breathe.
"Hey."
You don't realizing you're almost gasping.
"Shit. Hey."
Kendall comes up, lies beside you.
He puts you against his chest. You have no choice but to breathe him in.
It's the worst thing but it's like your warm memories of when you accidently did too much of the coke or pills - he was there. He was there to take it away.
"It's okay - that shit - you're not gonna do it."
Kendall leans over, you still in his arms, to push off the small bags of product. He falls back, rubbing your bicep and back.
"I don't think I missed this." Kendall coughs, you smell the alcohol. He pulls your leg up to come over his. "Maybe - maybe I did. I don't know."
Your brows furrow.
"What?"
"I made a bad...I don't even know what I just said. But like...you can relax for me. You can."
It takes awhile, but you manage to breathe it away.
"Now that we're back, I guess I'm-" Kendall swallow. "I'm back to taking care of you, or you telling me I'm too old. Yeah."
"Kendall."
When you feel his nose in your hair, there's something different. You know it's different when he doesn't let you go.
You try to move, but you become limp after a moment or two. There's a buzz coming over you, like you're falling out of your body.
"Fuck. I didn't mean to get you like this."
"It's...it's okay." He brushes the hair out of your face. You feel small, you feel like...like what's here is wrong, more wrong than what you could have with Roman now. But it's what you had before, when you were younger - when Kendall was your close friend who took care of you.
He took care of you.
"You can...can you go to sleep for me? We can talk about fun - fun friend shit in the morning, when you're okay, okay?"
"Okay."
You close your eyes, feeling Ken's thumb running over a small part of your bicep over and over. You don't know the Kendall takes in this moment you've given him. You don't know that he sighs, eyes open - face gone from emotion when all he thinks about is how he doesn't know what he has now. What this is, but he has. He's supposed to have it.
Like you came to him for a reason.
You don't know Roman knocks on your room door rooms down from the both of you. Hard knocks as he blows insult.
But he's choking on nothing when he doesn't find you there.