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“Happy birthday, Gran! 88 today, ey!”
“86.”
“Oh. I must’ve… Well, congratulations.”
“What’s all this then?”
“It’s, it’s your present, Gran.”
“Well what is it?”
“You remember when Kevin was home at Christmas? We got that nice picture together, the three of us? We - Kevin and I - we thought it would be nice to get it printed for you. I can talk to the carers, see if they can pop a nail in the wall so I can hang it up later, what do you say.”
“I’m not allowed sharp implements, Derek, you know the screws here have it in for me.”
“Well, I can ask about one of those removable velcro hooks or something, we’ll find a way to hang it.”
“That won’t be necessary. So this piece of shite is from the both of you then?”
“It’s not a piece of… This is professional quality canvas… But yes, it’s, we… we clubbed together. It’s not easy for Kev, you know, the post from Australia and that, sure he could post you a present tomorrow and you might just get it for your next birthday mightn’t you now.”
“Two people, one present, that’s how it works is it? That’s what your old gran is worth to you? After all I did for you…”
“To be fair, you do always give us joint presents.”
“Well why not, you shared the womb, you share your DNA... If you wanted something all for yourself you should have reabsorbed him whilst he was still a ball of cells.”
“We didn’t choose to be twins, Gran.”
“You were going to share your slice of the inheritance, for that matter.”
“We, we were going to… Were?”
“Yes, well, when your brother added yet another one to that mob of children of his—”
“Three’s not exactly—”
“—I thought it hardly seems fair, you and him sharing it evenly. Especially with you… well, not carrying on the family name, shall we say.”
“Ah. Well, I suppose that’s—”
“So I’ve written you both out of the will entirely and left it to the Sisters of Mercy Small Animal Shelter instead.”
“You’ve… you… what?”
“There. Now wasn't that a nice thing to do.”
“You know what? I’m done. I can see why Kevin left. Happy birthday. Enjoy the picture, it’s the last you’ll see of either of us I should think.”
“You’ll be back. You always are. And next time, don’t forget the gin.”