Chapter Text
"𝑆𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑜𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑏𝑦 𝑖𝑡𝑠 𝑎𝑏𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒, 𝑏𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑒𝑚𝑝𝑡𝑦 𝑠𝑝𝑎𝑐𝑒𝑠 𝑖𝑡 𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑣𝑒𝑠 𝑏𝑒ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑑."
-Gᴀʏʟᴇ Fᴏʀᴍᴀɴ
Sirius Black never felt like he could finally breathe.
It wasn't the rhytmic one his lungs already did by itself, no. It was the breathe of freedom, of all the tortures he went through and goes through to end and have his own life.
Away from his parents and their stupid ideals, if that was possible.
And his wish had come true. When he went into the train that would change his whole life, the 11 year-old boy Sirius wasn't aware what was waiting for him in there.
Three friends that would become his family, and a girl that would become his everything.
After he met and befriended those three boys and settled down with them, he still felt... empty? He wasn't entirely sure at that time, but the older he had gotten, the more he swore that his soul and heart already knew that it was missing its other part.
And that part came in the shape of a girl with unruly hair from running, panting from running to reach the train on time.
"May I seat here- Oh, it's full... I'm sorry to-" you stuttered out nervously, suddenly having the eyes of the four boys made you nervous as you started to take a step back. You were worried you disturbed them by how silent they were but was shocked when one with dark hair shook his head and patted the seat next to him.
"No, no, not all! Here, all the others are probably full anyways, we can fit!" James insisted hurriedly as he pulled Peter towards himself and you smiled, putting your trunk next to the door as you sat down beside the black and brown haired boys who you knew to be Sirius and Remus later when exchanging names.
And you pretended your heart didn't flutter when Sirius smiled at you before he showed you a cool rock he found before he arrived in the gar, as all of you laughed together and hoped that all of you would be in the same house.
Now, you were both a Marauder and also not. At least not in the way the other four were. They loved, even adored, pranking people and running away as chaos ensued whereas you rather sat back down and watched, sometimes assisting them and most often than not, help them out of detention. Because as they always liked to point out Minnie loves you more than any other student even though she refuses the claims of her having favourites.
Which was, in a way, true since she never gave you detention even if she knew the truth behind you standing before her desk with a bored look.
"Sometimes, I wonder how you can be friends with those four Miss Y/L/N..."
"Believe me, professor, I've been asking the same for four years now."
But, behind that golden student persona, laid another personality of yours. One that you didn't show around much but proved you to be a true Marauder...
Your snarky comments.
"I still don't understand why you are having a diet, love? Can you say it again?" Sirius asked as he eyed your plate with... a disgusted look as you frowned and hit his chest playfully. He wore his usual soft and boyish smile as he always did with you and leaned on his hand as he stared at you softly.
"Because I have a large tummy, Sirius, and stop calling me 'love'... It makes every girl here get mad at me." You groaned while continuing to eat, leaving Sirius confused as fuck.
Because, why would you think that the soft tummy he always adored to lay his head on was something to get rid of?
What was this abomination of behaviour?
"But... where will I sleep on? Who will I cuddle with?" He made his best puppy eye imitation as he wobbled his lip under your unimpressed eyes.
"I'm not gonna go and change my whole body, Sirius. I'm just gonna loose some weight. Stop being... dramatic ." You had to contain yourself at the end of your sentence at how offended he looked when he let out a huge gasp, making you worry about his poor lungs, as he flipped his hair away. But... It was always nice to see him "agressively" motivate you and cheer for you, since y'know... He was your crush for the past 2 years or so. There were times you wondered what he really saw in you worth to cheer so loudly for, but then you realized how he just showed a rock he found to you when you were 11 and...
It made sense.
Sirius Black, behind that Casanova attitude, was trully a puppy. Adorable and full of love to give... Even if he did it by flirting.
"Then... don't get me wrong, but why are you eating that couldron cake?"James cheekily exclaimed from in front of you as you squeezed your eyes at him threateningly and pointed to him. "You are walking on thin ice, Potter... Any minute that I can go to Lily and-"
" Oh, is that Y/N having another cheat day I see?"
When all of you turned to look at where the voice came from, both you and James didn't back down from spitting a curse at the sight of Julie.
One of the many girls who fought for Sirius' attention and then insulted him when he didn't accept it( which was a shock to not only you and the Marauders, but to the whole school because why would he deny her so suddenly when he was the one flirting with girls all the time?)
Remus did know why, but Sirius made him swear to never talk about it so now, he was just watching as Sirius completely made a fool of himself in front of you every time you were near and snickered to himself.
Now, you were a simple girl who had simple priorities. If someone were to have a problem with your friends, they would have to face you... Just like how you gave hell to those gits who made fun of Remus at your first year and still continued to haunt them. " Getting cheated on by your boyfriend I see?" You noncholantly told her as you took a huge bite of your cake and looked at her with doe eyes as Sirius spurted what he was drinking as he choked, Remus watching you proudly as James' jaw hang open, all of them staring at the girl who had no chance to bully you as usual as she blushed and stuttered, suddenly feeling cornered.
No one had stood up to her after all, which was probably the reason why she had an ego as big as her ass and zero personality like her brain.
"Excuse me?!"
"Yeah, you are worried about the wrong person eating a cake, Julie, because your man is out there eating someone else's cake!" You spitted angrily as she ran away to find wherever her boyfriend was, completely sure that you were fucking with her...
Which you weren't.
"That's my girl." Sirius proudly said as he looked at you in complete adoration and you blushed. Sirius always knew that you were different, different to him and with him. The bond between you two was simply different, more deeper than the one he had with others, especially James.
He didn't let anyone braid his hair, and fall asleep on him( also doimg the same to the other one) after all. Or listened to gossips you had and even adding more to it... Or daydream about them all the time, wondering how it would feel like to kiss -
It was you why he dropped that old persona of his and now was a commited man to you... Not that you knew about that.
His entire focus was now on you, he always followed you around like a puppy and did everything you asked for... or didn't ask for, because in his eyes, you were royalty and you deserved to be treated as one. He carried your books, got you treats from Honeydukes and let you braid his hair which said enough of his feelings already.
And it was cute in your eyes, really. The way he flushed when you beamed at him and thanked him... It would have been better if he didn't demand a kiss every time he did that but, yeah . And who were you to deny that whenever he would be left dazed after those cheek kisses?
Though you always did as he asked with a cheeky smile and cute booping to his cheek, those were the times you wished you could be cruel enough to hit his head with a heavy book because of how much they made your heart beat faster and dream about him... or loose sleep because of thinking too much .
Were all of these a game to him? Was this real? Was he playing with you until he found someone else? Why would he love you that way? Would you two ever end up together? What would his lips feel against your-
Either way, your life was pretty amazing and a bliss even though the female population of Hogwarts hated you with some exceptions. Such as Lily, Mary, Marlene, Pandora and Dorcas.
Yep, Gryffindors really attracted the Slytherins for some reasons.
"In your dreams, Sirius, In your dreams..." you patted his back softly and whispered in his ear which made him sweat and blush, watching you walk away with Pandora on your arm while giggling at something she said. He was left absolutely flabbergasted while staring after you, dreamily looking with his head on his fisted hand as he played with what was on his plate.
"Definetly my future wife..."
Then, he continued to tease you with that nickname which would always end up in a bickering which was a common occuring in the Halls and classes, which often made the teachers get curious why, and he lived for those moments when you barked at him with an embrassed frown because he could get to watch you since you never realized what was happening around you when you were angry.
"Stop calling me that Sirius!"
"No~"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"What the hell are they screaming at each other for?" Remus asks to James as he reads his book without lifting his eyes as James munched on his sandwich. He shrugged his shoulders. " The usual. Him not confessing his feelings and all."
Which was becoming a lot to bear watching as Sirius would always follow you around... which ended up with a book on his head all the time.
But, even if you were seemingly irritated by him and his clinginess, it was quite the opposite. You couldn't start your day without seeing that goofy smile as soon as you got our of your dorm, or watch hım roast someone who made a mean comment about you.
Or that time when he fell from his broom in Quidditch practice because you were wearing his number and name on your back and... he felt a certain way which made him loose his balance and fall as you giggled, thanking Lily internally for convincing you to do that after saying how much Sirius liked you.
His good looks, his attention to everything about you and his fun and kind personality were what drew you to him and you knew from the moment you first met that you would end up together, or you would fall for him.
But what made your feelings get stronger was his... enchanting, beautiful and big eyes. They were so full of love, adoration, and most of the times, mischief. They showed what he always felt at the moment, what he thought and they were trully the mirror of his bright soul. You really loved them the most about him, when people would always praise hım for his good looks, you always pointed how pretty and expressive his eyes were, only to those who knew how to read him.
The first time you said it so casually yet lovingly as you patched hım up, was the day he actually confessed his feelings after getting teary eyed. Because for the first ime, someone looked past his looks and saw his soul and how much weight was there sitting uncomfortably on his heart, waiting to be lifted by someone else... Someone who understood him, and how lucky he was that the person was you as he kissed your lips softly.
And you believed in his honesty by looking at his eyes and accepted to have a date with him, knowing full well that you would fall for him.
You just didn't think it would be him falling for you harder with each passing day.
Seeing their two friends, completely different than each other, being so happy made all the Marauders and the girls happy for you two. Only negative side affect was that seeing ghe absolute simp Sirius had turned to be.
"Okay, folks, it was nice to have you all but I gotta go!" He slapped his knees joyfully as he got up from the cushion in the Common Room with a happy smile while his friends looked at him weirdly.
"Where are you going? You never pass a hanging out together!"
"Miss wife wanted to go stargazing, I can't say no to her-"
" The-the what now?!" James' jaw hang open as the girls awed at Sirius and how in love he looked at the mention of your date and how he called you his wife, making him blush deeply as he smiled. It wasn't a secret that Sirius was one hell of flirty man, especially more than usual now that you two dated, but they didn't know he was smitten with you that much.
Enough to already plan calling you his wife one day.
He shifted his weight from foot to foot anxiously at the teasing eyes of his friends' eyes, the girls praising him for caring so much about you as James took a silent note to learn Sirius' tricks. He felt his cheeks heat up slowly as the awes rose up more, making him stand up abruptly and run away from the common room.
"Uh... Nothing! Gotta go, see you later guys!" He ran away as soon as possible with a heart beating harsh and hard against his ribcage, a heavy blush on his usually pale cheeks. It wasn't like he was ashamed for his actions, hell no! He was so damn lucky to have you, so grateful for you to have accepted him after your date and so lucky for finding someone who... understood him.
From the very moment when you two met.
He still remembered how anxious he was at the sorting ceremony. Your group in the train promised to always talk to each other and hang out no matter which house you guys were sorted in, and he still remembered how you noticed his anxiousness as the ever careful girl you were.
That was when he told you about his family after you sat down in the station, arriving to the school and letting others go. He knew it was way too early, but he also knew that you must have heard some things about them anyways and still befriended hım quickly without a worry.
He told you how he wanted to be sorted in Gryffindor, just to piss his Slytherin family off, but was scared of everyone's reaction since his family didn't have the best reputation. He was afraid of the Slytherins' reaction if he was sorted in a different house, and also the reactions of the house he would be sorted in since he was... seen as evil.
No matter which house you are in, we will be here Sirius , was what you told him as you held his hand thightly in yours and hugged him, squeezing him to yourself as he stood frozen for a few seconds...
Before he hugged you with tears in his eyes.
And indeed, you were right. The Slytherin side of his story was proven right but the other one never happened. That was the first time he realized how you always knew what would happen as he ran at you and hugged you happily with a twirl, making you also laugh at his happiness.
It would be years after that moment that he realized what that skipping of his heart meant as he hugged you and let you tug him towards the table where he was greeted by his friends as he held your hand under the table, feeling secure and safe for the first time...
Breathing for the first time.
He would always feel those insecurities and fears, no matter how long it had been, and would fear fighting alone and putting you in danger now that everyone knew just how much you meant to him but when he reached to where you were waiting for him, he knew that the promise ring in his pocket was very worth every problem you two might face together even if his friends would tease him to hell and back for being a simp.
This was real, he felt real and that ring would forever be the sign of it.
He was being emotional again, wasn't he?
Him being an absolute supporter of yours was no joke, though James and Remus often teased him with it. But they knew why he was so clingy and always with you.
Sirius never really felt true, unconditional love. And if he could show it with being a "simp" and always hanging off of you, he would do it because then... It would mean that yes, he was here and he got out of his torture and was living his best life.
But, of course as the goofy person he is, he didn't show that sentimental side of him and rather used it... to scare you by jumping on your bones whenever he saw you or showing that clinginess at its best.
For example when you speak with Lily or any other girls excitedly about a movie in the muggle theaters as Lily would suggest to go there all together and he would casually come and offer to come with you guys- because he knew for sure that the word would reach to his mother and piss her off, knowing that she wouldn't be able to do anything about it since he no longer was the heir-
Or he would always pull you to his lap as the Marauders planned their next prank while you especially made sure that they would let go of poor Snape, and let them do whatever they wanted to do, as he played with your hair and nodded absentmindedly, looking at you in a daze as your hand rubbed his chest lovingly, ready to do whatever made you happy.
Holding you thightly to never let go of you.
Now he knew he was protective of you, but he just couldn't help it. You were so kind so sweet, and unique. You caught the attention of many others, and that was something he couldn't let happen.
Not that he was jealous, of course not. He was the Sirius Black, why would he feel threatened by some boy?
"Sirius, what are you doing?" You turned your head to look at him as he laid his head on your shoulder, nibbling at your sensitive skin and leaving hickeys.
"Hmm, nothing love... Just kissing you."
"I can see that, enjoy it then~" you let your hands twirl his curls softly as your other one took the wand out of his hair and let the rest of it fall down on his shoulders gracefully. He smiled naively at you, not aware of the devious plan you had in mind...
Before you grinded on his lap. Hard .
He whimpered into your neck as you smirked, faux worry lacing your voice as your hand slipped inside his shirt from his collar. "What is it, love? Are you not feeling good?"
"You little minx, you are doing it knowing what it does to me..."
"Hmm, maybe?" You innocently said with a tilt of your head and smiled at him cutely as he groaned.
"I'm gonna get back-"
"Can you guys stop making out in front of us? There is family and children!" James yelled out as he closed his eyes alongside with Peter as Remus just continued to eat his chocolate without a care...
While James was peaking at you both through the gaps of his fingers.
"Shut it, Potter." Sirius huffed out as he pulled you with himself and right towards his dorm, feeling...
For the first time, uneasy.
Both because of something he couldn’t explain and the war raging just outside of the school as Voldemort got closer.
But, as the man he was, he chose to ignore it. You both were strong and had each other, there were many other wizards and witches fighting alongside you and if shit went down, he wouldn't care and just disappear with you.
They could take everything from hım, down to his riches and even his life.
But not you, Merlin not you.
Because as much as he denied, Sirius was dependant on you. His heart and soul craved you, called for you and you were the heart and soul of him. You were the reason he kept going, the reason he believed that all of this would end one day.
You were the reason he woke up for the next say as he watched your peaceful face and body pressed to his and imagined a... Family life with you.
And for those dreams to come true, to have a little you running around and after hım happily, nothing would happen to you and he and you would walk away from this War together, hand in hand with plans for the future you get to have with him..
Right?
The answer would be something he would never want to know, one that he feared.
One that destroyed him and whatever was left of him as he was left with the broken shards of his once happy picture...
All because of his arrogance.
When tragedy hit the Potters, Sirius' first thought was to go and find that rat that gave their place away. He knew people blamed him for it, and he also blamed himself for not listening to your warnings about Peter and how he seemed... Off.
But he didn't care about the past anymore. He didn't care about his mistakes or what they brought to him...
Frankly enough, when he was supposed to care about it the most... he didn't, and there was only one thing in his mind: Revenge.
But all thoughts of seeking his revenge went out of the window when he reached the house of his friends, and was met with a note from none other than Voldemort himself, his sarcasm and triumphant voice almost reaching to his ears from the note on the yellow paper.
You should have listened to your wife, Black. Maybe then, she would have been alive to save you all...
Sirius sank on his knees on the ground right before the house of the Potters, his bestfriends, as he crumbled on the pavement with the note still in his hands as he looked at the dead body of his best friend, eyes unmoving and dead, knowing that Lily was also dead somewhere in the house.
It was Voldemort after all, he would have made sure to destroy anyone who could danger his plans.
"Why... Why did you have to do it, love?! W-why?!" He yelled as angry tears left his once shining eyes, the eyes you always complimented hım whenever you looked at hım.
Now, they were glimmering with tears, sadness and grief of loosing his loved one, his one and only.
He lifted his head in agony, his heart squeezing painfully inside his chest as his hand thightened around the fence, his ring weighted him down gradually and looked at the night sky as if something would suddenly help him out of this hell.
But he knew it was a futile attempt, the sight before hım was enough proof of that.
And he was left with the consequences of his mistakes.
"Why did you leave me to remember you for longer than I have known you... We-we," he coughed up harshly at the constrict his throat did, hitting his chest as if the pain would somehow make it not feel real. His eyes widened suddenly at remembering the locket around his neck, bringing it closer to his face as your smiling face came to his view and he tearfully smiled back, his finger trailing over your happy face delicately with eyes squeezed in pain and lips pulling up to form an "O", as if there was something in hım that wanted to say a millions of different hings but was forced to shut up.
He remembered how he teased you for being such a simp for him that you bought this locket for yourself, so that you kept him close to your heart ( as if he wasn't just as equally if not more enamoured by you) and you rolled your eyes at him at that time, telling hım that he would always be in your heart until you died and even then, you would love him forever.
He regretted not telling you at that time that he loved that little necklace more than anything and his heart beated painfully full of love at your adoring gaze. He regretted not telling you how much he loved you and how you would never get out of the confines of his heart even if you died, that he would never be able to forget your voice, your face and your love.
After looking at it for quite some time, only sobbing and swinging back and forth deliriously, Sirius let out one final heartwrenching cry of your name as he collapsed fully and laid there until the others found him.
"We had dreams together, why did you h-have to... I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for failing you! Please forgive me!"
Now, his life was once again incomplete. There would no longer be the lingering warmth your body gave off even after you got up long ago to prepare breakfast for both of you.
There wouldn't be his coffee and breakfast waiting for him on the kitchen table with a cute note from you.
He wouldn't be able to prank you by scaring you as you screamed bloody murder and he ran away all around the house laughing like crazy.
There would be no more late night dates on his bike as you both stopped at a hill and made out for hours, watching the stars together.
There would be no more snuggling while watching movies together as you scolded him for eating all the popcorn.
There wouldn't be laughter that gave hım hope and enough will to fight more.
There wouldn't be soft-spoken pillow talk after a passionate night, imagining your future and how one or two children who had his eyes and curls and your smile and personality would be so nice as the image of you playing with them while he took pictures would make hım smile and got teary at it.
There wouldn't be a lover who understood him and was there for him before anyone else would.
There wouldn't be an... another you to love.
And it was all his fault.
In the end, Sirius Black was left alone, as a mad man after the woman of his life was taken from him.
He was belittled by his entire family, couldn't protect his brother and as a result lost him, his best friend was killed by one of his friends and the blame was on him...
And now, he was left to rot in Azkaban, unable to take care of his godson, everyone thought he was guilty...
But none of them hurted him as much as the promises he couldn't keep, promises of a bright future and a safe place, always protecting you... to you, to everyone.
And now... He was left as the shell of the man he was, he lost the love of his life, unable to love you and cherish you like he promised in his vows, the meaning of his meaningless life. He promised to give you a life full of love and peace, he promised he would even buy that cottage-like house you both dreamed about.
In which you always replied with: "As long as İ have you, everywhere is home to me."
He would often tease you with kisses every time you did this, knowing that it was just a simple act to hide his tears from you- because holy shit, there was someone who loved hım that much and he got to have that for the rest of his life! He was really going to have the life he always wanted, with the love of his life, and he proved to everyone that he wasn't like his parents!
He was ready to have a family, marry you and have a life away from the war and everything, prove to whole world that he wasn't anything like his family.
But now, all of his dreams were... gone. Just gone, alongside you.
The Marauders once was James, Remus, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Mary, Marlene and Y/N... Jolly students who either wrecked havoc or amazed people with their quick wit and smartness.
Then slowly, to six, then five. And now... Only three, with one of them refusing to ever talk.
And never again, mon amour would ever leave his lips in a soft spoken whisper as he kissed your forehead with both of you naked underneath the blanket, even if he hated French since it used to remind him of the pureblood nonsense to him but now, it was rather something he used to fluster you and see the cute blush on your cheeks.
He had no one to call as his family any more, my wife leaving his lips early in the morning like an ancient prayer.
Only thing he would remember for years even after Azkaban would be your last words, written on a simple note before you took on your journey to find Voldemort before he reached to the Potters, your friends, and get them killed.
Even when he begged you not to.
And it would be only years after that event, 12 precisely, that he would learn you found one of the Horcruxes and destroyed it just like his brother.
I know the path I had taken is dangerous, my love... But when you arrive to my side, which should better not be too soon, I will be waiting on that house just a bit away from the hill, just like we dreamed about...
I will always love you, and guide you like a lighthouse when you loose your way, Sirius, my greatest love.
Please don't loose yourself for revenge. Our deaths are not your fault, especially mine. Because I know for sure that you will blame yourself for it. It was my choice to do what I did, so that when that noseless bitch faces his equal, he would loose for sure.
Just... Live for me, and for Harry. He will need you a lot and if you learnt anything from this... Don't listen to what Dumbledore says even a second and get Harry away from him. To him, we are just pawns in his game and he doesn't care whether we die or not.
And... know that as I die, you will be my last thought, my dear husband . You were,are and will always be the greatest thing to ever happen to me and I am proud to be your wife even it was for a short time.
I love you, Sirius Black, the one who made my life better, my husband.
And as he cried his eyes out, screaming your name from the top of his lungs as his engagement ring swing around his neck, laying on the cold floor of his cell, he felt nothing.
He didn't feel his heart, his brain... his soul anymore. You were the only thing keeping him going, the only thing that brightened and warmed his heart with your childish laughter, you were the one that gave him hope for waking up the next day in this damned war...
And you were the only smart one to realize what Dumbledore always planned for them, without a single care for their beings, and who the real traitor was alongside your friend .
But as he replayed your last words in his mind like a mantra, there was a new fire, a scaring new, spiteful fire that he never had even when he saw his friends' dead bodies, only when he learnt of his little brother's death, did it start slowly... But your death was the reason why it had become the size of a Fiendfyre.
He might be a loser in everyone's lives, and his mother might have been right about that part of him, but... There was one thing everyone, including his parents forgot about:
There was a reason they were called "The Most Ancient and Noble House of Black" and there was a reason he was born as one.
But for now...
For now, he would wait. Silently. Crying until the day he gets to meet you once again, never daring to take his life since he promised and he... had to keep at least this one.
For now... He would let the rage slowly consume him until he wasn't the Sirius he once was.
For now, he wouldn't feel anything except sadness and pain, mourning your death until the day he died.
For now, he wouldn't feel.
Except only the cold tiles of the ground he was seated, knees close to his chest... And the screams of despair and pain of other prisoners in the Azkaban.
A chuckle leaves him emotionlessly, as he clutches his ring.
He was trully a loser.