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The last few weeks had been chaotic, to say the least. Tensions were still high between the circus members- most of which were between the ah’kon and the others. Especially between Tonny and the ah’kons- Rainah, Sahed, and Julia have all gotten an earful once the circus was out of Aspett. Sahed had gotten the worst of it, but Julia had stepped up, insisting that she was just as at fault as he was.
Sometimes, late at night when everyone was asleep, Julia would put on Sahed’s clothing that he gave her in Aspett. While it was a bit big on her, she had to admit she looked nice in it. A breath of fresh air from the dresses she wore every day. It gave her a boost of confidence.
Everyone avoided each other at the circus, mainly visible during mealtimes. Even the bonfire parties were more melancholic and oddly quiet. Though, that could also be due to Mr. Finnegan’s absence. Julia would never expect herself to miss the yelling of the party as she tried to sleep. It hurt her in an unimaginable way.
A small part of herself was filled with regret, with self-hate. What if she had barged into the room? What if she had comforted Mr. Finnegan? Could she have saved him? Was this all her fault? Would the circus continue to deteriorate, friendships being strained, because of Mr. Finnegan’s absence?
Julia was walking to the cafeteria, not really hungry. She knew she had to eat or else Kamille would get upset at her. As much as she could play off her little appetite to be about Mr. Finnegan’s absence, she could never go in-depth about what she heard. She grabbed an apple, turning it over in her hand. It was perfect from the color to the shape of it. One of the biggest mysteries of the circus is how they got the food and how it was kept in a perfect state.
“Julia.” Tonny walked up to her, appearing out of nowhere.
Julia nearly jumped out of her skin, looking at Tonny with a note of fear in her eyes.
“Sorry- didn’t mean to scare you.” Tonny let out an awkward chuckle, rubbing the back of his head. “I was just wondering if you’ve seen Sahed today.”
The tension between her and Tonny was very awkward. As far as Julia knew, Tonny hadn’t seen her outside his office. And as far as Julia knew, Tonny was a scary person. One who could kill her.
“Why are you looking for him?” Julia asked, trying to calm her racing heart.
“We arrived in a new town today- I’m sure you’ve noticed. But I haven’t seen Sahed all day and I just want to make sure that he’s not running off.”
Julia bit her cheek. Tonny still didn’t trust Sahed, which was fair. Just an awkward topic since Julia helped join in on the riot. While Tonny had forgiven her, he clearly didn’t believe that she wanted to join in the riot but was instead forced.
“Um… no, I haven’t seen Sahed today.”
Tonny sighed, rubbing his face. “Alright then. Do you have any idea where he’d be? Actually, can you look for him for me, please? Tell him I need to see him. I don't have time to chase after him.”
“Has the circus stopped moving already?”
“Yeah. Some are unpacking already. I’ll let you look for Sahed since you know him pretty well. Plus, he’ll probably actually speak to you.” Tonny said the last part quieter.
“A-alright! I’ll leave now.” A small spark of excitement ignited in Julia. She could have alone time to walk around and look for Sahed. She’d been growing on the ah’kon, enjoying his presence and open honesty compared to Tonny. She enjoyed his company more than she ever had with any of her school friends.
“You can eat first,” Tonny told her, looking at the apple in her hand.
Julia glanced down at the apple she forgot she’d been holding. “I’ll eat as I go. It’s almost sunset- I should try to find him before it gets dark.”
Tonny nodded, watching her walk off.
That was the most awkward conversation of my life. I wonder if he knows how much I know. Julia thought as she exited the circus, looking around. She tossed the apple on the ground, leaving it to the worms or whatever animals passed by.
The circus had parked outside a city. On the other side was a wide field with a few small hills. Cherry blossoms scattered the ground as petals slowly fell in the warm spring breeze. The scent was almost overwhelming.
Julia glanced between the city with their high walls protecting them (with chalk drawings on the sides, it was clear some kids were playing outside recently) and back towards the field and trees.
If I had to guess, Sahed is probably keeping away from the city.
She cast one last glance at the town walls and started off towards the field. The lighting was stunning. Blossoms slowly fell down on Julia’s head as she walked under each tree, checking for Sahed.
“Where is Sahed…” Julia muttered to herself, a sentence that had been said by countless people before her and would be said by countless after.
To be honest, Julia didn’t mind the search. The landscape had taken her breath away, filling it with a floral aroma. She felt more at peace, the previous events finally being pushed to the back of her mind. It almost felt like she was back at home, running around the forest with Kamille, turning over rocks and watching insects come crawling out from under… days were simpler then.
“Looking for me?” A voice hummed softly, a voice warm and sweet as honey. Julia turned around and saw Sahed sitting under one of the trees. He had almost blended in with the trunk. He was facing toward the sunset, the sun shining on his face, showing the contours of his well-defined muscles. Julia wasn’t sure if her cheeks were warm because of the sun or of the view in front of her.
“No. I’m just walking around looking at every trunk of the trees because I’m bored,” Julia responded dryly, walking closer to the ah'kon.
“I was doing that too but got bored.” Sahed chuckled.
She rolled her eyes. “So why are you really here?”
Sahed shrugged. “Don’t gotta tell anyone where I go and why. I ain’t a toddler.”
“So you just ran off without telling anyone?” Julia’s voice slightly rose in a tone of frustration.
“Mhm.” There was a smile on Sahed’s face.
Julia inhaled, opened her mouth to speak but closed it. She hadn’t thought that he would admit it straight up to her, not without a challenge or something first.
“Sit down.” He patted the ground next to him, fingers drumming slowly on the grass.
She debated about grabbing him and dragging him all the way back to the circus, to Tonny, and lecturing him the whole way back. Instead, she walked over and sat down next to him. His shoulders were almost brushing hers, their hands mere inches apart. So close yet so far, just in perfect reach.
“I was going to give you an earful for running off without telling anyone, but I think Tonny will do it for me.” Julia sighed.
“I couldn’t give a shit about what Anthonn’s gonna say to me. He left Jathar behind. For no reason other than to prove that he’s got power over me.” Sahed’s voice wavered as he spoke, trying to be kept in a flat tone.
Julia glanced over at him. The dark rings under his eyes seemed more noticeable. His gaze was slightly lazy, he was staring into the sunset with a blank look- and was that a slight blush on his face?
She recognized instantly that look from the countless bonfire parties she’d been dragged to. “Oh my god, are you drunk?”
Sahed looked her in the eyes. Julia resisted the urge to look away, feeling as if she was caught staring at something she shouldn’t be.
“I’m not that drunk. There hasn’t been a good drink since Finnegan died. You should know that.”
Julia’s eyes widened as he said that. Nobody ever admitted that Mr. Finnegan had died. Leave it to Sahed to be the first to say that. Still, it impressed her that Sahed would actually mention the beast tamer.
Sahed ran his hand across the grass nearby slowly, fingers narrowly avoiding Julia’s. Little grass moths flew away as they were disturbed. “I don’t miss him. He looked up to a shit person as a role model. But you gotta admit, he made a decent drink.”
“I… don’t drink.” Julia chuckled. “My father would kill me if I drank.”
“Your father ain’t here, though.”
Loneliness stabbed Julia square in the heart as Sahed yet again had pointed out the obvious.
“I’ll still follow the rules he gave me.”
“Doin’ a great job.” Sahed sniggered.
“What!? Why do you say it like that? I am doing a great job!”
“You’re sitting ‘ere and talking to an ah’kon. I don’t think your father would let you do that.”
Julia felt her face burn up some at Sahed’s statement.
“Okay, but I was forced to. Tonny sent me to get you.” She muttered.
“There’s more for you being here.” Sahed responded curtly, voice curling at the mention of the ringleader.
“What do you mean? That sentence made no sense.”
“There’s more than you coming out here and talkin’ to me. You coulda dragged me back to Anthonn ages ago, yet you’re sitting here talking to me.” Sahed hummed.
Julia stayed quiet, biting her lip.
Sahed grabbed a cherry blossom off the grass, slowly ripping it apart, squinting as his head lifted towards the setting sun. “I think we got a lot in common.”
“Yeah, right.” Julia snorted.
“Think ‘bout it.” Sahed sat up, looking Julia in the eyes. He looked more serious. “We both aren’t happy in the circus. We both hate Anthonn. We got a form of survivor's guilt.”
“Survivor’s guilt?”
“I wanted Jathar and others to join ‘cause I know what it’s like being in there. I don’t want ‘em all to suffer while I live a life here. You saw Finnegan-“
“That’s enough.” Julia stopped Sahed. “I don’t want to think about that.”
Sahed shrugged, turning away to face the sunset again.
The two sat facing the sunset for awhile longer. The bright peach and honey colors soon faded into deep ambers and dark gold. Blossoms continued to fall, occasionally landing on their head or shoulders. The silence wasn't awkward- it felt right, felt natural. Julia felt like she could sit like this forever, next to Sahed, admiring the land silently.
Sahed glanced over at Julia, who had her eyes closed, soaking up the warmth of the sun. Pink watercolor petals rested on Julia, laying softly all over her.
A sudden urge crept into him, wanting to brush the soft petals off her shoulders with his lips. He took a deep breath, ignoring the urge, accidentally letting a thought slide out while trying to shoo away the other thoughts.
“Wanna dance?”
Julia opened her eyes, her pupils contracting in the sunlight.
“Do I want to dance with you?” She asked, looking at him as if he just told her that he had found a unicorn.
“Umm… if you wanna. You don’t have to.” Sahed shrugged off the question, trying to play it cool, ignoring the creeping feeling of anxiousness crawling through him. He did not mean to say that.
Julia stared at him. Sooner or later, she’d have to bring him back to the circus. And she didn’t want to return quite yet. As much as the ah’kon annoyed her, she didn’t dislike the idea of dancing with him in the unreal scenery.
“I guess… sure, yeah.” Julia bit her cheek, trying to hide her giddy smile.
Sahed stood up, staggering a slight bit. He glanced down at Julia, who was still sitting.
Julia glanced up at him, watching petals fall off him as he moved.
“Why’re you still sitting? You expecting me to get on a knee and offer a hand like imma prince? Or do you not wanna dance?” He mumbled the last part.
“I’m not against the idea. Are you sure you’re not drunk?” She asked.
“I just had a drink or two. I can still think an’ move an’ stuff. I’ve been more drunk before.”
Julia tried to cross out the idea of a totally drunk Sahed. Would he be a romantic drunk? Flirty, even? Would he flirt with her? Her ears burnt at the last thought.
“You’ve been slurring every other word- sounds like you have a country accent. Should you really be moving around that much?”
“Do you wanna dance or not?” Sahed asked brusquely, his face turning slightly darker.
“I’m more concerned if you’re going to kill yourself trying to move.” Julia didn’t want to admit out loud that she did want to dance- the thought of dancing under a blooming tree made the traditional romance side of her quite happy. She remembered the old static radio back home, Kamille coming to visit her to stay the night. The girls stayed up late, dancing and singing along with the songs until Julia’s father came into the room, telling them that they needed to go to sleep. The girls would agree, of course, but stay up late giggling to each other from what just happened.
Julia stood up, blinking away tears at the old memory.
“You holding back tears ‘cause of my beauty?” Sahed asked.
Sometimes, Julia wanted to strangle the ah’kon. But his teasing was part of what drew her to him. His 'irresistible charm', as he would call it.
“No. I don’t know how to dance.”
“Don’t cry ‘cause you don’t know how to dance. I’ll teach you.” There was a note of genuineness in his voice.
Julia still looked unsure. “I don’t want you stepping on my feet.”
“Pssh!” Sahed chuckled. “I’m a great dancer. Better than Anthonn- I got experience! That clown has only danced with lies, dancing around the truth.”
Julia felt a bit unsure about what Sahed meant about the second part. It was true he knew more about the circus than her- and had an intense hatred towards the ringleader.
Sahed grabbed her left hand, placing it on his shoulder. There was a focused look on his face, as if he was handling something that was so fragile it would break if breathed on too hard. He grabbed her right hand with his left and placed his right hand slightly above her waist.
Julia felt butterflies in her stomach. She felt like a princess out of a fairytale, a charming prince coming to save her. She wasn’t sure what she currently needed saving from, though.
“And now we just sway left to right.” Sahed hummed. “Is it alright if I try something more?”
“Sure- are you gonna tell me first?” Julia asked, shooing away the forbidden thoughts of what ‘something more’ could be.
“I’ll tell you as we go.” The ah’kon grinned, lifting the arm that was holding Julia’s hand. “Just go with how my hand guides you. It’s a subconscious feeling.”
Sahed pulled Julia’s hand, causing her to spin under his arm.
Julia felt like she should be dressed more formally. Or in Sahed’s clothing. The way that Sahed was focused on her, trying not to step on her feet and guide her dancing, as if she was the most important thing in the world.
She felt herself be dipped backwards, Sahed’s arm wrapped around her back, keeping her secure. He wasn’t moving anymore, but instead, looking at her. Or her lips. Julia found it hard to keep eye contact with the way he was looking at her.
“W-what now?” Julia stammered, face blushing some due to the closeness.
Sahed clicked his tongue. “You nervous? Your face is burnin’ up.”
“What!? No, I’m not nervous!”
“That’s a lie. You’re clearly nervous. You like me or somethin’?”
“No!!” Julia felt her heart speed up. Was this how it felt in school, when the kids would guess each other’s crushes?
“Wouldn’t your father be against you lying?” Sahed smirked, drawing a bit closer.
Julia would have never thought she’d be uncomfortable with so much space between her and someone else.
“Yeah, well my father would be against me liking an ah’kon too.”
Realization hit Julia the second she ended the sentence, realizing what she said.
“So you do like me?” Sahed widened his eyes.
Julia looked away, not responding. Her face was a bright red. Sahed stayed silent.
“Why are you still staring at me?” Julia muttered. She wriggled away and out from Sahed’s arm, taking a step back. His arm fell loosely back to his side. Hurt crawled up in Julia due to the ah’kon’s lack of response, taking it as rejection.
I should have known better. Of course he wouldn’t like me. It’s just a coincidence that we both relate to each other. People have things in common, Julia. It's what makes us human.
She turned away from Sahed, looking towards the circus and the city walls even farther in the distance, sniffling some. She wasn’t quite sure why the rejection had hurt her so much. Maybe because of everything they’ve been through together? That this was her first true love?
Julia saw a long shadow walk beside her, the sun greatly exaggerating their height.
“What do you want?” She mumbled, not wanting to face him. “I don’t want your sympathy.”
“Turn and face me. Then I’ll answer your question.”
Julia turned to face him. Sahed looked at her, the gloominess on her face.
“We never finished dancing.” He held out his hand, waiting for Julia to grab it.
“I don’t feel like dancing…”
“Please. For me.”
Julia took his hand and placed the other on her shoulder. Sahed led her through the previously joy-filled movements, dipping her down, and then kissed her.
It was a quick peck on the lips, really, but it felt like so much more. Meant so much more.
“Don’t take silence as a no.” Sahed smiled after breaking the kiss.
Hope soared in Julia. She straightened herself, standing up, almost bumping heads with Sahed in the sudden movement. The brunette practically threw herself on him, wrapping her arms around his neck and putting full weight onto him, kissing him with passion. Sahed staggered back some, not ready to take in the sudden weight, returning the kiss. He leaned down into the kiss, allowing Julia to not have to stand on her toes to reach him.
Julia could taste the semi-sweet fruity taste on Sahed’s lips- she didn’t expect Sahed to be one to drink alcohol like that. She felt his hands wrap dangerously low around her waist. She dragged her hands through his hair, ruffling it and messing it up, something that she’d been wanting to do for ages.
The two found themselves sitting under a tree, Julia leaning on Sahed, a leg lying over one of his. Sahed lazily dragged his hands through Julia’s now-undone braid, enjoying the last of the sunset.
“Thanks for joining me this evening.” Sahed hummed. “Walking around and looking at every tree trunk ‘cause you’re bored.”
Julia’s eyes widened as she remembered the whole reason she came out here. “Well, glad you enjoyed the evening. Tonny is going to kill both of us when we get back.”
“I’ll keep ya safe from him.” Sahed tossed his arms around Julia, hugging her heavily. “If we’re going to get an earful from the dickhead, might as well make the most of this time.”
Julia smiled, leaning back into the hug, letting herself feel secure in his arms. She felt like the final key to it all, fitting perfectly when his arms were wrapped around her.