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After centuries of not seeing one’s own face, it’s easy to forget one is, or was, a living breathing being. Astarion was no stranger to the fact that he was considered a monster first to other people rather than just another person. Sure he did need to feast on blood to keep his hunger satiated, but what difference would that make to eating a cooked carcass of another animal?
A lifespan is such a fickle thing, Astarion knew that all too well. It was a double edged sword. Once he had roamed the earth with freedom; there was nothing that could chain him to this world. He knew that it was the fleetingness of life that made it worth living. It was the dream of leaving behind a legacy to be revered for ages to come. Death, though many people feared it, was beautiful. Death made life so much more meaningful in comparison. In fact, death was what motivated him to to keep on living and working towards a beautiful one. He wanted to be remembered as someone worthy of a legacy.
But, all of that does not matter anymore. Astarion knew that he could no longer dream of death after life. He was bound to this earth against his will; he was a slave, there was no other way to put it. For centuries he was used, the last semblances of his humanity stripped away from him. He was nothing but a mere tool. He had no choice but to put aside his emotions; Astarion was merely a husk of what he once was.
What was life even like before becoming a vampire— no— a slave? What did sunlight even feel like anymore? After centuries of skulking through the darkness, it was all too easy to forget what it was like before he was forcefully turned into a vampire. Was there even light at the end of the tunnel that Astarion just could not reach? It felt as if he was climbing and climbing out of a hole that just never seemed to reach the surface.
It’s no surprise, then, when Astarion first sees the daylight after year upon years of being trapped in darkness that he cannot help but be on guard. How does one navigate a world that was merely a whisper of a memory in one’s mind? So he puts up a confident front. He turns himself into the villain he has been forced to be for so long.
When he meets Tav for the first time, he cannot help but act like a wounded animal lashing out at its savior for the first time. As he holds Tav in his arms with a knife dangerously close to their neck, he cannot help but be afraid. What would become of him now that he has his own autonomy? Before falling into that spiraling pit of despair, he focused on the person before him. The person says they are not a threat, but how could Astarion believe them? Nevertheless, he decides that he wants to see where this goes. The person before him does not seem like a threat; if the time comes, he knows that a simple stab to the heart would suffice.
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What Astarion does not expect, however, is to fall; to fall deeply and hopelessly in love. It was never in his plans to befriend his companions, even more so to fall in love with one of them. At first he just wanted to escape the rush of it all by becoming lost in someone, something he could finally do out of his own volition. But he did not expect to open up his heart, slowly but surely, to his rugged companion. Tav was someone different, they saw through all his false bravado and fanfare and saw the wounded soul within him.
How could someone be so kind? How could someone do things just for the sake of being good? Was that what humanity was like? Astarion had forgotten all about his life before becoming a vampire that it was unfamiliar to him to receive kindness with no expectation of it being returned back. It was something unfamiliar; it was something he was afraid of. At first, when he realized he was slowly opening up his heart to Tav, he decided to distract himself. He hoped that by using Tav, by erasing Tav’s identity as a living being with their own thoughts, he could let go of these feelings.
But with every cruel thing he did to Tav, in return he was greeted with earnest and understanding. If Astarion was the embodiment of deep darkness, Tav was pure and pristine light. Astarion was scared to admit that he loved Tav. He did not know what a life of love and brightness would be like— all he had known for so long was loneliness and dread. Yet, he decides, he wants to step into this unknown world hand-in-hand with Tav.
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After centuries of not seeing one’s own face, it’s easy to forget one is, or was, a living breathing being. Yet, he knows now that this unknowingness is not something that he should be afraid of. He has found his light. If he were to fall, at least he knows he will not be alone. Tav, the daylight that was just out of reach, was finally in his grasp.