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„I can’t do it… I can’t go out“ IV whispered as he hugged a pillow to his chest. His muscles contracted as he wrapped himself around it as tight as he could in an attempt to hold onto something. Anything. So maybe he would stop spiralling.
No no I’m gonna stay in bed, in my room. That’s where I’m safe. They hate me anyways.
I will only bother them I’m just going to distract myself by reading. It will be fine. Fine.
IV reached for his book with shaky hands as he tried to keep his breathing steady. The book slipped from his hands as he couldn’t stop them from twitching. The noise it made when it landed on the floor made him jump.
Failure.
It was one of those days.
Everything was just too much and somehow his mind was running faster than it could follow through with processing his thoughts.
It felt like he was sprinting through a jungle, the air humid and further hindering his breathing from staying calm. His clothes were clinging to his body which felt like it was ablaze but also freezing at the same time. It was suffocating him.
„IV? Are you ready?“ II opened the door with a smile playing on his lips, his face instantly dropping as he noticed the panicked guitarist on the bed.
IV jumped at the sudden sound and looked like a deer in the headlights, his eyes wide and full of fear as he backed up, to get away from the door.
„IV, love? What is it?“ II tried staying calm, slowly approaching the guitarist as slow as possible and keeping his distance as he sat down on the opposite end of the bed. Worry laced his voice but still he tried to focus on IV‘s feelings, for now the guitarist was a priority.
IV‘s breathing hitched his eyes darting everywhere in the room but II, clearly avoiding the conflict he was expecting to happen soon.
„I’m sorry…I-I“ he took a desperate breath his chest felt like it was wrapped in ropes, constricting his airways.
„I can’t go.“ he managed to get out after a few heaving inhales.
II‘s gaze felt like it was burning holes into him, he way judging IV, right? Surely he would be mad. They had planned this little date for a few days, IV had looked forward to it! He wanted to want to go so badly. II was one of his favourite persons, he loved spending time with him, so why was IV feeling like he might be ripped into pieces if he did go out? Why did he not want to go?
I can’t go out. I can’t. He’s disappointed. Oh no he’s staring. He hates me.
Failure.
Guilt was spreading in his chest, IV‘s ever present need to please people surfacing and somehow even doubling the anxiety that was coursing through his veins like acid. He didn’t even notice he had started talking again, it felt like he wasn’t in his body as he did.
„I know you hate me and oh now you’re disappointed. I’ll get myself together I promise. I’ll be fine I-„ IV rambled on, his voice kept getting higher and more shrill as he couldn’t stop fidgeting with his hands.
„IV. Breathe.“ II‘s voice didn’t leave room to argue, it was more persistent and reassuring than angry or taunting. He was desperately trying to guide IV out of his cloud of fears.
II knew whatever he would say to try silence IV‘s doubts right now, he wouldn’t get through to him. He needed to get him to calm down first, then he could reassure him.
„Breathe, love. Come on just try to mimic what I’m doing. In. Out.“ II repeated it like a mantra while slowly creeping closer to the panting guitarist. He was trying to keep IV‘s focus on him to ground him and pull him out of his racing mind.
He’s pitying me.
I’m just a burden for him.
He should go out with the other guys instead. Go on, you know he wants to.
Who would willingly spend time with me?
„Just… II just leave.“ IV whispered as tears slowly rolled down his cheeks. He tried backing away from the drummer but his shoulders hit the headboard with a thud.
II stopped moving not wanting to overwhelm or crowd IV further. The drummer knew that wording his next few sentences would be crucial to get through to IV without worsening his anxiety.
„IV, love if that’s what you want. Truly want, I’ll leave no questions asked I promise. But: do you want me to stay?“
IV nodded and it was almost like an automatic response he couldn’t keep himself from doing. He blinked at II through tears as he lifted his gaze to look at the other for the first time, but still he added a quiet. „I don’t want to inconvenience you.“
„You are not.“ II‘s voice was serious. „I promise.“
IV nodded again, his shoulders slumping as he leaned back against the headboard and took a few deep breaths. His chest hurt and his mind was still racing with unwanted thoughts as he tried to calm down.
II knew asking IV what he wanted or needed in the state he was in wouldn’t lead to anything, except for the guitarist to feel even more guilt. He needed to be careful.
„IV where is your current project.“ II asked, the sudden noise in the otherwise silent room once again startling IV.
The guitarist absentmindedly pointed to his little nightstand with shaky hands, his gaze was still focused on something in the distance. He still wasn’t quite present.
II scrambled to get the small ball of colourful yarn that he spotted on the table in an instant. He couldn’t hide the smile playing on his lips as he noticed the pattern IV was currently using to tie a bracelet with. It depicted waves, the background black while he had chosen various shades of blue for the water. It was undoubtedly a gift for Vessel.
The guitarist always needed to keep his hands busy and somehow they had found that crafting was the way for him to get out of his head. II sat down with crossed legs opposite of IV and pushed the loose pieces of yarn into IV‘s hands while II held the other end of the already tied bracelet to assist him.
As if automatically IV began tying precise knots and following the established pattern. His gaze got more clear the longer he focused and soon his breathing slowed down as well. II watched the guitarist, fascinated by his work.
„It’s for Ves, right?“
IV couldn’t help the light blush that spread on his cheeks as he nodded, a little smile playing on his lips.
„He misses it. I mean the ocean. When we’re on tour… I thought maybe it would remind him of home when we’re away.“
II felt his gaze soften a warm feeling spread in his chest at the thoughtfulness of IV.
„He’ll love it.“ the drummer whispered before watching IV work once more.
——
After a long silence IV dropped the yarn.
„Thank you.“
„Always.“ II smiled gently placing the now almost finished bracelet back on the nightstand.
„Touch?“ the drummer asked, still keeping his distance and wanting to make sure what exactly IV needed next. At the way IV cringed II could tell it was still too early for him to be close to others again so the drummer made sure to keep his distance but stay close enough in case the other changes his mind.
„You want to talk instead?“
IV nodded.
„It suddenly got too much… I was just thinking about our date and then, then it all became too much.“
II stayed silent, indicating for IV to proceed.
„And then I-I spiralled and thought you would be mad at me and t-the logical solution was to get you to leave so you could spend time with Ves or III instead…“
IV almost looked ashamed now, avoiding looking at II once again.
„I wanted to want to go out with you I promise. I tried to get myself to want but I just couldn’t. I hate this I want to go on dates with you! I know I do because you make me laugh and I love you but somehow...“
IV rambled on getting worked up once more as tears streamed down his cheeks. He clearly felt guilty for his anxiousness and II knew he couldn’t just take those feelings from him, even though it was all he wanted. The drummer hated seeing IV doubt himself like that.
„It’s okay IV. You’re okay. I’m not mad and we don’t have to go out to spend time together, you know.“
IV nodded still not convinced by II‘s little speech.
„A date you wouldn’t enjoy because you made yourself go would just lead to both of us having a bad time. How about we just stay in today and postpone the going out part to another day?“
IV finally made eye contact and the sheer pain that lay in them made II flinch. He just stared at the drummer seemingly battling himself to get the next words out. A question that had lingered and maybe even caused his anxiety attack.
„Do you still love me?“
IV couldn’t hold back the sob he produced and the tears streaming down his cheeks once more.
II was speechless and suddenly felt overwhelmed, not knowing how to help the guitarist anymore. He was frozen in place, his mouth agape as he stared at IV.
The guitarist interpreted the silence as rejection though, rejection he had been expecting the whole time. Because why would anyone be capable of loving a mess like him?
IV brought his hands up hiding behind them as he cried, his body trembling.
Suddenly IV‘s rapid breathing made II regain focus. II scooted closer to the guitarist in front of him, gently taking a hold of his trembling wrists. As IV wasn’t flinching away or tensing up further II tightened his hold on them.
„I love you, IV.“
He gently ran his thumb over the trembling wrists in his hands but IV didn’t react to it in any way.
IV was too far gone his mind screaming at him as his breathing became irregular once more. The room felt like it was spinning and control over his body was slowly slipping from him.
II didn’t answer. He didn’t, maybe he left? IV couldn’t tell his body felt numb as he felt like rejection had hit him like a truck.
Sobs and the searing pain of his lungs not getting enough oxygen where the only thing he could still feel except for a deep ache in his chest. Heartbreak.
He had fucked up again, his anxiety once more led to him ending up alone. All alone and even more hurt than before.
It was all my fault. Should’ve just gotten my shit together.
Why can’t I just be normal?
That’s when it hit him. His mind basically screaming the most logical explanation it could come up with.
That’s why II didn’t love him.
Failure.