Chapter Text
-Satoru-
I had been motionless for a few minutes now. My outstretched arm was shaking, the fingers with which I was holding the rope were about to cut, my open right eye was burning as if someone had just hit me and the target seemed further and further away.
It was June, that day it was quite hot but nevertheless I was in a cold sweat. Why couldn't I be as good as him?
-Satoru-
I straightened my back even more inhaling deeply. The floral tunic I was wearing impeded my movements as if I were bound by barbed wire, but I didn't have time to change into something more appropriate and comfortable.
-Satoru, are you listening to me?-
Even my hands felt wet on that piece of wood and the arrow trembled as my fingers trembled. Hitting the target in those conditions proved impossible for me.
I lowered my bow as I did my head, then threw the dart to the ground.
I could feel my mother breathing on my neck.
-I expect an answer when I call your name- she growled out of her teeth, throwing me a shoulder as she moved in front of me.
-Forgive me- I only managed to answer -I was concentrated and I didn't hear you-
She snatched the bow from my hands, making my face snap up, then I looked at her hand as she tightened it around her fingers. I could have sworn she was going to break it. Maybe she didn't because it was my father's.
-Who gave you permission to practice archery?-
-No one mother-
I was aware of my mother's hate of what I considered a hobby, so I usually trained when she was out of the building, in fact I believed she had gone to the cemetery as she had every day for six months now at three in the afternoon. Perhaps I had gone on too long because looking at the position of the sun I could have sworn it was five o'clock by now.
-You know I don't want you to sneak your father's bow
I didn't answer, I didn't know what to say.
-You do it everyday Satoru, do you think my maids don't tell me about it?- She picked up the dart from the ground and put a hand in front of her, pointing to the quiver on my shoulders.
I didn't object, with a downcast look I handed it to her and she took it between her fingers almost with disdain, as if it hadn't belonged to her husband.
-And speak! I'm not here to try to approach a mute, take your responsibilities!-
-What responsibility are you talking about?- I asked her, pointing my blue eyes into hers even clearer.
She knew why I did it, she knew that following my father's footsteps should be my priority, but she just didn't accept it.
-About the fact that you don't listen to what I'm telling you, months have passed since your father's death but you persist in making my life complicated- she stopped for a moment, then resumed even more angrily than before -You’ll get married in less than a year and you act like a child whose toy has just been snatched from under his hands-
-It's not about childishness-
-And what is it about then?-
-It's just a hobby to distract me mother, nothing more-
-We both know it's not-
She turned abruptly, dropped the objects she had previously taken from me at her feet, then walked towards one of the benches in our gardens.
I knew how much she was in pain from the day he died, but she shouldn't have blamed me, her only son, the only heir to everything my father had left.
-You can't end up like him Satoru, do you understand this?-
I nodded. -Your father died with that bow in his hand-
He had been killed on a hunting trip on Christmas Day. He had gone into the woods convinced that he could bring a good wild boar to eat all together to celebrate, but only his arm came back from that place.
No one has yet spoken about his death. It could have been a bear that killed him as it could have been a hired assassin from a rival family to ours. The fact is that only his bow with his quiver was extracted from that place, nothing else.
-Because of his narcissism he left his wife and son alone, and you can't afford to do the same with Utahime and the family you're going to create with her-
Utahime was the name of the one who would become my wife.
Our parents have always been longtime friends, we've known each other since we were little and what I can say for sure is that there has never been anything but friendship between us. Ours would have been an arranged marriage and my mother, the main architect behind this story, saw Utahime as a daughter, more than perhaps she actually saw me.
-I won't, mother, you don't have to worry-
-In a month there will be the ball for her birthday and you have to be close to her Satoru, you can't afford mistakes-
She placed a hand on my cheek, so I also brought mine over her hand, but then her look of compassion became arrogant, rude, ferocious.
-If I see you again with that bow I'll have it burned under your eyes by the village blacksmith, are we understood?-
My mother could be ruthless, always has been.
I nodded again, shaking her hand with a defiant look, then I saw her get up and disappear behind the hedge maze that connected the garden to the main avenue of the building.
Instead I went towards the bow, the quiver and the arrows that were lying on the grass. I picked them up from the ground and put them on my shoulders.
One thing I had learned living with her for 19 years was that her threats should be answered with indifference.
If she didn't want me to practice archery in the garden, I would have done it on our estate just outside Edo, where she didn't dare to set foot, she said she felt my father's presence there.
I didn't fear her, I didn't fear anyone in particular, for some time now I had become a ghost without feelings or soul.