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The moment Luka had received Sergio’s message, a sea of emotions crashed through him. But most agonising was the immense shock that punched right through his heart. The message conveyed that Real wouldn’t be continuing with Sergio as a player in the next season; he needed to find another club willing to take him in.
As the meaning of these words settled in, a pang of heartache slowly welled up within Luka. The ache grew stronger, almost overwhelming him.
At this very moment, Luka realized with profound clarity that he was in love with Sergio. Perhaps he had even already known of his own feelings long before, deep down.
Forcing himself to remain composed, Luka sent a message back to Sergio: "Do you have a destination in mind?"
His reply was instantaneous: "Paris seems to be open to having me."
Luka refrained from calculating the distance between Madrid and Paris. In any case, Sergio and he were soon to face the impossibility of meeting every day, breaking apart the routine they had for all those years.
Luka believes that love is akin to a football match at times. He remembered watching matches on TV as a child, initially unsure which team he favoured. Yet, when one side scored and the other seemed poised to lose, when he felt either elation or heartache, he understood which team he truly valued at that moment.
And just like now, he often thought he was fine on his own, but it was only when the possibility of losing Sergio became real that he grasped the depth of his affection.
His phone lights up again with the message: "They're hosting a farewell banquet for me tomorrow night. After that, do you have time? Let's have dinner and talk, alone."
Slowly, he types out his response: "For you, I'm always available."
Luka had been the first to learn of Sergio's departure. Teammates and journalists subsequently caught wind of the news, and his phone was bombarded with calls and messages seeking his opinion. His replies were nothing more than courteous and polite PR-esque replies; revealing his true feelings to them would likely cause an uproar on the internet the next day.
For Luka, he had long felt that his world was deeply divided. On one hand, society had grown tolerant of same-sex relationships, and in Spain, same-sex marriage was even legalised. On the other hand, if a football player's affection for someone of the same sex was discovered, especially a male football player for his fellow teammate, then regardless of whether it’s reputationally or physically, it’s akin to the player being meted out a death sentence.
Luka feels like he isn't truly gay, for he isn't interested in all men; it is only Sergio who interests him. He remembered the time they won their twelfth Champions League together. Sergio had embraced him naturally on the podium, and when his thigh brushed against Luka, he felt his own body react instinctively to Sergio.
Had he not sensed Sergio’s physical desire for him in return, he might have killed himself right then and there.
And so, Luka had knew then, that Sergio had wanted him too.
Such occurrences weren't uncommon in the football world, considering the close bonds between physically attractive, hormone-charged footballers who spent their days together. But taking the leap from colleagues with physical attractions to actual lovers was something akin to treacherous. Luka remembers when Ivan and Daniel shared a kiss on the podium, caught by cameras. Ivan had explained to the pesky reporters that hounded them then that the kiss had meant nothing. Yet, Luka understood that their situation mirrored his own with Sergio.
Ivan never truly became anything more with Daniel, as a result of his transfer. Their relationship remained blurred between the lines of friends and lovers. Luka had once asked Ivan about it, and Ivan had confessed: the risk of being openly in love as footballers was too high. If it didn't work out, their friendship would be destroyed, and revealing their sexual orientation would make them targets of the footballing world, which is largely homophobic. And even if they managed to endure the storm of vitriol and backlash, what next? Non-heterosexual relationships were still taboo and discriminated against in the footballing world.
Luka had agreed with Ivan’s assessment. It’s true, that despite the largely encouraging steps taken by the Western world, homophobia is still very much prevalent, especially in this sport. He had watched his teammates and Sergio argue in the locker room through the years and was aware of the fact that their enduring bond was more sacred than ever. Yet, he could never gather the courage to take that decisive step, not until now, in the face of an abrupt parting.
For the younger ones, love might be something that could be flaunted and shown off to the world, a testament to maturity and popularity. But Luka was past that age. As a successful footballer, he could easily attain validation and approval from others. But why does he still want love so fervently? Luka wonders. The undeniable truth is that because with Sergio, he was his true, authentic self, unhidden and devoid of the masks he puts on to face the world.
Why hadn't he confessed sooner? Why had they missed the chance to be together all those years? Perhaps it was a fear of rejection that held him back. If Sergio turned him down, they'd lose their friendship too.
When he is no longer able to run on the pitch, retired, would he regret never uttering those words of love? Never truly being with Sergio? Desperation bubbles at Luka’s throat. He looks over at Sergio, illuminated in the soft light, more captivating than ever. If he pretended to stumble, Luka knew he would be there in a flash to hold him. For years, they had understood each other better than anyone else, whether in moments of elation or despair. Fans and media, they can never truly unravel a player's heart; only those who were like them could truly comprehend. They had shared everything but love. Tears. Hugs. Joy. Devastation. They’ve gone through all of it together.
Perhaps, at his age, love was simply about erasing loneliness. Luka gazes at Sergio, feeling the intensity of his emotions, akin to being on a penalty spot just before the decisive kick. Before that kick, you never knew the outcome, only that you had to summon the courage to go forward. And when Sergio finally stood in front of him, Luka felt just like he did before taking a penalty, everything else having vanished in his focus except the person before him.
Now was the time, the moment for love to finally speak its truth. Luka felt his heart race, but Sergio had already spoken before he could utter a single word.
"Hey, Lukita, you're here."
Luka knew Sergio better than anyone, and he saw it in his eyes — the courage, the fervour, the reluctance, the anxiety. The want.
But even now, Sergio was a true warrior. His hand brushed against Luka’s cheek, just like it had so many times before.
In an instant, Luka felt like he had become a goalkeeper whose goal had been breached by an unstoppable penalty. Because Sergio, looking at him with eyes that held a myriad of emotions, had confessed, "Luka, maybe I shouldn't have said this right before leaving. I don't even know how you'll react. But if I don't say it now, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Will you be with me? I've carried these words for so many years, and I loathe myself for not having the courage to say them earlier. I love you, I always have."