Work Text:
His
Fate of The Jedi: Allies
After pressing send on the holo-transmission, Jagged Fel, The Head of State of the Galactic Empire, had completed the last task for the day. There was nothing else he could do. Across the city, the Jedi Temple was in chaos as Mandalorians landed on the doorstep with orders to shoot on sight. Lockdowns were in place as the average citizen feared the bloodshed that might result. He’d never seen Coruscant in such uproar and it was solely due to Daala’s unhinged vendetta against the Jedi- and everyone else in this kriffing galaxy.
His heart ached, a tugging sensation on his heart strings as he remembered that the love of his life might be entangled in that same uproar or was possibly halfway across the galaxy in her Stealth-X as she tried to battle an enemy she refused to name. But he wouldn’t know which danger she was caught up in, because she had left him.
He gripped the back of his chair until his knuckles turned white. Jag squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to stop himself from seeing the memory that replayed over and over. He tried to redo it to see if he could appease or beg her not to leave. But each time she took the ring off her finger, left it on the desk and walked away.
Jag had not moved it from where she had laid it down. He looked at it with scorn and contempt, a reminder of her fickle and selfish behaviour. The pain in his heart turned to anger as he thought of her endless list of demands that even she knew were too much to ask. He’d never begrudged her for trying- so how dare she walk away because he’d said no?
He moved over to the liquor trolley that had yet to be touched since it was first stocked. He grabbed the whiskey, forcing the bottle open and filling the whiskey glass seated on the silver tray. The liquor sloshed along the rim as he quickly raised the glass to his mouth and drank. It burned his throat as high-quality whiskey should do. He felt his head spin ever so slightly, a hint that he could have more of that feeling if he had another drink. So he did. He downed another full glass and was now nursing a third. Once more seated in his chair, he glared at the expensive engagement band that reflected the room’s lighting such that it gleamed. The ring mocked him as it shined, it spat on him and called him a bastard. He wanted to return the favour, but the doors to his office were sliding open.
“I said I’m not seeing anyone else for the day,” Jag grunted, the lip of the glass still in his mouth. The intruder wasn’t intimidated by his authority or surly tone. In front of him stood his faithful assistant, Ashik. His piercing red eyes held a hint of pity as he assessed his superior. Jag scowled at the implications.
“I have sent your transmission securely to the Solos,” His assistant said simply. Jag winced to hear that name- her name. Earlier when he’d tried to wrap his head around her departure, he’d set off at completing a list of tasks that would ease some of the burden for Jaina and her kin. He’d called in some favours with senators, written a public statement for his publicist to release expressing disgust for Daala’s actions, and then finally sent the insane chief of state a threatening message, before it dawned on him that nothing he did would make her come back to him. It was then he’d decided to contact her parents to let her know that she’d run off- run away from him- to something so dangerous that she didn’t trust him to share. His gut twisted at the thought. There shouldn’t have been anything that she couldn’t trust him with.
“Thank you,” he muttered before tipping his head back to finish the glass.
“It is late, sir.” Ashik’s voice was low but not as impatient as it usually was when dealing with him.
“I don’t fucking care,” Jag said as he closed his eyes and leaned back in the expensive chair. At least he still had his luxuries. But none of it could compare to what he’d just lost.
“You must not let this deter you from your goals,” Ashik continued. “You must continue as usual.”
Jag snorted, “Did you just hear a word I said?”
His assistant kept his tone even. “Yes, sir. It is time for you to get some rest.”
“You usually scold me for trying to rest,” Jag peeked at him through one eye, ensuring that it was still his assistant standing before him.
“Yes, but rest is well deserved currently and you’re not doing anything productive either.”
Jag’s hands folded over his chest as he opened both eyes and stared at his friend who stood unwavering. “I still don’t care.”
Ashik’s top lip twitched in annoyance. “Sir, please don’t be difficult right now-“
“I can go to bed when I please,” Jag interrupted, “If you have nothing else to report to me, then you are dismissed.”
The Chiss eyed him for a full minute before he moved closer to his desk. His hand moved to pick up the offensive ring that Jag found himself glaring at once more. When Ashik had come in earlier asking what happened with Jaina to have her leave in tears, Jag had simply pointed to the ring and told him that Jaina left it there. Now, his assistant saw how much torment it had caused him and decided to remove it from his presence.
Jag watched intently as his assistant’s hand closed around it, concealing it from his sight and placing it into his pocket. His gaze lingered where he thought it might be. That ring didn’t belong in his pocket, or on the desk. It belonged on the finger of the woman he loved. But she didn’t agree.
His assistant bowed slightly, not allowing himself to show any further annoyance at his rudeness as he turned and left him in the office. Suddenly, the room felt stuffy. He looked around to the vidscreen that had been on when Jaina stormed into his office to demand the Imperial Fleet. He’d almost thrown the remote at it when she left, but he decided not to cause a scandal by breaking things in the office. He looked at the edge of the desk where she usually perched herself, and had the urge to burn the whole desk as punishment.
Shaking his head, Jag stood. His head spun a little longer, thanks to the alcohol, and it was a well-appreciated ten second break from thinking about her. He left the office, allowing his personal security detail to escort him to the residential compound on embassy grounds where he went into his personal apartments. He was alone, as always. He was alone, again.
On the way there, they passed the empty hallways which looked out to the empty gardens. Emptiness everywhere, all around him, and inside him. He didn’t greet the guards who were posted outside at all times. Their eyes were blank as good soldiers ought to be. But he felt humiliated as he wondered if they knew he’d never have another guest over. He had no one to invite anymore.
He punched in his code and he was soon sealed into his chambers. Silent. He looked at the fine finishing of his apartments. Every detail was designed to be welcoming and calming for him. His eyes started to burn in disgust at the sight.
When she’d come to see him, Jaina would always kiss him in the receiving room. She would say she could barely contain her excitement by the time she’d completed security checks and finally made her way through the door to him. She’d start rattling off about her day as she led him to the living space. She’d curl up against him and ask him to hold her. She said that he was her sanctuary, that she’d feel safe within his arms.
Did he no longer provide her with safety? Perhaps his refusal to give her an Imperial Fleet made her feel like he couldn’t protect her. His jaw tightened almost as much as his heart did at the thought. Of course he could protect her- even from Sith- but she’d have to let him first.
He moved to the den where he poured himself another glass of whiskey. He held it in his hand for a moment, staring at it as he pleaded for it to do the job. He quickly downed it, grateful for the way it burned on its way down. Then, his grip had slipped, dropping the glass to the floor and heard it shatter at his feet. His gaze was fixed on the black sofa in the middle of the room. The last time he was here, she’d pushed him back until he fell on to the sofa. She pinned him with her eyes as she slowly undressed, and then she crawled into his lap and rode him for hours-
He squeezed his eyes shut as if it would prevent the memory from playing. Even in the den of his solitude, she was everywhere. He’d let her into every aspect of his life but she couldn’t even trust him enough to tell him why she had to leave. Maybe if she had, he would accept it. But after everything they’d been through, he would never accept her walking away without explanation.
Never.
-
Hers
Water rippled. Water splashed. Water formed waves that crashed into her, knocked the breath from her lungs and pulled her head under. Then water rippled, splashed, and did it all over again.
Jaina jostled out of sleep, her hands trembling where they tightly grasped the yoke within the cockpit of her fighter. Her vision remained foggy for a few terrifying moments where not even the Force touched her senses. She was staring into blackness through the viewport of her StealthX. That’s right, Jaina grounded herself. She was on her way back to Coruscant. She’d been no help to her uncle and ended up sitting on a jury that released Sith back into the galaxy. Her stomach lurched at the thought. She was so utterly useless, so fucking useless-
She gasped as she remembered to take a breath, her body screaming at her to get out of her head and function. But water was in her head, rippling, splashing and forming waves that crashed into her. How could she breathe when she was underwater?
The computer in front of her beeped as words formed on the screen. Rowdy, her R2-unit, had been piloting for her while she slipped into a much needed sleep- a sleep that tormented instead of rejuvenating her.
'We are a few hours out...hopefully they let us land.'
She gave him a click in response, but the droid that she’d programmed to be her friend wouldn’t accept just that.
'What do you call an R2-unit piloting a Jedi’s StealthX?'
She forced a trembling hand to turn on her comm as she tried to get he droid to shut up, “Rowdy-“
'Exactly. My name is Rowdy and I’m piloting for you.'
Jaina sighed deeply, cursing herself for even trying as she pressed a button to turn off the screen. There was no humour to be found now. She’d go back to the Jedi, whatever was left of them, and lick her wounds as she asked them to forgive her for running off. Or maybe she’d regroup with her parents to see what they could do about the situation on their end. Her heart ached as she thought of them, of their marriage which had outlasted so many trials. She would never have what they did because she was an insufferable girlfriend in the first place and an even worse fiancée. She would never be the Han to Jag’s Leia, because she was destined to be alone.
But her lip still trembled as tears formed in her eyes. She steeled herself, baring her teeth as she forced every drop to stay in her eyes. But they fell anyway, and continued to fall despite her efforts to stop. She was gasping, too, unable to do anything but cry as waves continued to crash. Her grip on the yoke slipped and her hands were coming to her mouth to try to muffle her cries.
But no one could see her, or hear her, for she was utterly alone.
She should have used the time to think through her options. She should have been planning her next steps. But her mind was like water, rippling, splashing and crashing.
-
Theirs
Fate of the Jedi: Vortex
Jag had walked into this meeting not having the time to psych himself up. He had no time as the GAS agents following him would become suspicious the longer he remained here. But he’d owed the Solos this- he owed Jaina this.
He had his Chiss upbringing to thank for maintaining his composure as he was finally brought face to face with her since the day she’d left his office. Since the day she left him. But here she was, holding herself together despite them both knowing that she wanted to crumble. He’d always admired her ability to get up from anything- even if it meant being better off without him.
He didn’t want to entertain the thought, but how else could he comfort his heart than to tell it that she was happier without him? He didn’t think he’d settle for anything else. If Jaina weren’t happy without him, then he wouldn’t let her go...he’d never let her go until he was sure of it.
So, he endured the meeting, he endured his yearning for her as he paid to them the debt he’d owed for accepting him into their family as long as they did. The loneliness he now suffered the last few weeks had at least showed him how instrumental they were to his life.
She smiled at him when he told her that he’d allow Daala to think she was blackmailing him. Her eyes widened in cheerful surprise that he’d do it for her. He wanted her to know that he’d still protect her in any way he could- without any Imperial Fleet. He’d fight tooth and nail for her with his bare hands to prove it to her.
He kept his face impassive as he said, “It’s not entirely for you, Jaina. I’d like the Empire to develop a good relationship with the Jedi.”
"Close enough," She said, her eyes communicating a new message for him, "And, Jag, I'm sorry for the way I put you on the spot when-"
“Apology accepted,” He interrupted as he glanced at her parents. What was between them didn’t need to be discussed with her parents around- or when he needed to get out of this building before he drew eyes to their mission.
“And thank you. It means a great deal to me, but the Pellaeon is preparing to break orbit, and Daala is going to know that I've been playing her soon enough." He shifted his gaze to Leia. "I wanted the Jedi to know before she did."
Leia didn’t look convinced. “Won’t this kill the deal to bring the Empire completely into the Alliance?”
“It will,” Jag replied. “But the more I come to know Daala, the more I realize that my Moffs are right this time. We wouldn't be joining an Alliance, we would be stepping into chains."
Then she did something unexpected. She moved towards him and clasped his forearm. “Thank you for telling us first. That means the world to me-and I know it will mean the world to the Masters, as well.”
She reached up and placed a kiss on his cheek. Jag felt uneasy about it, battling with the part of him that yearned for family. He hoped it wouldn’t be the last time she embraced him- He prayed to gods he didn’t believe in that it wouldn’t be.
Han also approached him, a firm hand on his shoulder as he provided his own style of comfort. “We owe you one, son.”
He tried not to react at hearing Han call him son. “Not at all, Captain Solo. I’m only doing what’s right for the Empire.”
“Yeah- and for everyone else too,” Han said as he took his wife’s elbow and made their way towards their planning room, leaving him to stand alone with her- with Jaina.
“Come on, Princess. We've got work to do, and it looks like these lovebirds could use a couple of minutes alone."
Then the door was closing and they were alone. He stood rigid, his eyes fixed on the door as he didn’t trust them not to betray him. From the corner of his vision, Jaina stood similarly still. Jag found himself chuckling despite his nervousness. They were two stubborn bastards- neither wanted to be the first one to say it. But he needed her to go first, because he couldn’t let her go until she said the words.
“I’ve been drowning,” Jaina said softly. He finally looked at her to see she was staring at the ground, her eyes somewhere else.
He coughed, clearing his throat. “What kind of drowning?”
“The type I usually do,” She clarified, “Where my mind is the water and I can’t get above.”
Jag sighed, sitting back on the edge of the table as he regarded her. “Is that supposed to be because of me?”
She finally looked at him, her eyes narrowing. “Jag.”
“What?” He responded with as much heat, “You walked away from me.”
Her eyes softened as she sighed herself. “I know. I know.”
“So why are you drowning?” Jag asked, although he knew he didn’t have the time for it. He wouldn’t check his chrono though for fear it caused him to cut this moment short. He would keep his attention fully on her.
She stepped towards him out of instinct then fell back that same step as she thought better of it. “Because I learned not drown with you around. When the waves would come you’d shield me from the crash, so much that even when we were apart, I’d just remember you and I’d be okay.”
Jag knew what she was referring to. There was an abyss in her heart that threatened to swallow her, an abyss that formed the day she’d killed her twin. She’d sold her soul to save the galaxy, and no one would ever know the price that she paid. They’d never know the agony that tortured her- because she’d only shared that with him.
“I’m sorry,” Jag found himself saying although he wasn’t sure for what, “But you walked away.”
Jaina shook her head, “I don’t deserve you.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit,” Jag scowled at her, “It’s insulting.”
But she didn’t rise to his bait. Her eyes were cloudy, as if she were drowning before him. “I walked away because I asked too much.”
“You walked away because I said no.”
“No,” Jaina insisted. “You’ve said no to me before. That time- that day, I pushed beyond your limit. I crossed a line. And you deserve better than to have me tugging at your conscience. Even now Daala means to use me to blackmail you. So again let me say, that you deserve better than me.”
Her eyes became hard as she spoke, as she tried to convince them both of the justification she’d come up with. But Jag had already promised himself that he’d only accept one explanation, and this wasn’t it. “So, you break my heart to prove to me that I deserve better?”
“Do you think my heart isn’t broken?” Jaina snapped, her voice hoarse as another wave crashed behind her eyes.
“You walked away from me,” Jag repeated slowly. “Only you can answer that.”
Jaina’s hand came to her forehead as if trying to fight off the demons in it, “Jag, I can’t do this right now.”
But he stepped into her space, cornering her against the cabinet and wall behind her. He moved her hand from her head as he cupped her cheek and brought her eyes to his. He could no longer stand her looking away from him as she came up with nonsensical excuses. Jaina trembled in his arms, her eyes still cloudy as she looked into his eyes. He was close enough that he could kiss her, but he wouldn’t do anything like that. Jaina was too stubborn to admit it, but she’d have to say the words to send him away forever.
“Say you’re better off without me,” Jag breathed. Jaina shook her head, trying to once more avoid his eyes as she shut hers. He chased her gaze, his nose brushing against hers as he did. “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”
A gasp escaped her, and Jag knew that she was struggling to breathe with her head underwater. But he could only pull her up if she let him. It was how it always worked between them. When she drowned, she’d call out to him, and he’d hold her as she found her way out of the dark abyss. She needed to reach out to him.
“I- I could never say that,” Jaina said between gasps. He wrapped his other arm around her as he pulled her body flush against his, anchoring her to him. She felt limp in his arms, but he held her face to his as they breathed together, as he coached her from one breath to the next. She needed to reach out to him so he could pull her out completely.
“Then don’t run away from me,” Jag whispered, “Don’t run away from me again.”
A single tear fell from her eye as she held her breath as if she plunged underneath once more. Then his mouth was on hers, transferring his own oxygen to her. Breathe, he mouthed as he kissed her, Breathe.
Jaina’s head fell back against the wall as she gasped again, panting as she finally found her way out of the water. Jag remained quiet, holding her as she breathed in well-needed oxygen, as if she hadn’t had it since they last spoke. Jag knew then that he couldn’t let her go. She wasn’t just unhappy without him- she struggled to breathe.
He closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against hers, allowing her to cry in his arms. She was difficult in so many ways. Why couldn’t she have just confided in him instead of walking away? It would have saved them so much heartbreak. But if Jaina did things the easy way, then she wouldn’t be the woman he loved.
“I’m sorry,” Jaina finally found words just as her limbs began to work once more. Her arms looped around the back of his neck as she sobbed into his mouth. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
He should have been angry with her, he should have made it harder for her. But he was so tired himself. He was so lonely and touch-starved that he couldn’t think to say anything that would have her trying to step out of his arms. He needed her too- like the oxygen he breathed, he needed her too.
“I love you,” He found himself saying as if she would have forgotten. “I love you more than life itself.”
She never liked when he said things like that but she didn’t complain this time. “I love you too, Jag. Fuck, I love you.”
He kissed her again, passionately as they reminded themselves how the other tasted. He kissed her as if she were the air that he needed in his lungs, hungrily gasping as if he’d never get the chance to again. It didn’t matter if his head was starting to get light, or that their noses bumped into each other with each twist, he needed her-
Jaina held his face as she pulled back, and they both gasped. She looked at him with the same hunger that he felt in his soul. The room had gotten a thousand times hotter despite the cool air of the central cooling system above. His mind raced through all the different ways he could undress her, how quickly he could be inside her-
“You have to go,” Jaina breathed out, although the look in her eyes told him she was thinking the same thing. “You don’t have any time left.”
He cursed himself for forgetting. Stepping back from her, he brought his wrist up as he checked his chrono. He had indeed spent too long in here with her. If he didn’t leave now, he could compromise their plans and get them into serious trouble. But he couldn’t leave without knowing that she was his again.
“Jaina,” he started as he reached into his tunic’s inner pocket, bringing out the ring that he’d intended to give her as a final goodbye, to remind her that he was still hers even if she chose not to be with him. He held it up between them and waited for her to choose.
It was a few agonising seconds until she took it from him, her eyes fixed to his as she slid it back on to her ring finger. Jag’s eyes moved to watch the ring that had tormented him these last few weeks glimmer on her slender hand once more. It was where it belonged.
“I’m not saying that we can get married,” Jaina said, “Our lives will never be a fairytale.”
He nodded in agreement, “As long as you wear that ring, our lives can be anything. I don’t care about anything else. Just wear that ring, and I’ll know that you still love me.”
She gave him a sad smile. “I will never not love you. Ring or no ring.”
“Don’t be stubborn,” Jag took another step away from her before his composure failed him. “This is my condition.”
“I’ll wear the ring then,” Jaina nodded, “But we need to have a much longer talk than this.”
“Agreed,” Jag tore his eyes away from her. “I will be on the Gilad Pellaeon. When you’re finished here, you come find me before I leave.”
Jaina sighed again before she closed the distance between them once more, her face buried in her chest as she took deep breaths. Jag held her tight as if he had all the time in the world. While she could walk away from him, he wouldn’t leave as long as she needed him.
“Go,” She whispered although her grip on him remained tight.
He reluctantly pulled away from her, looking down into those stubborn eyes that threatened to drown him. He stepped backwards, one foot after the other, eyes on her as if she’d disappear if he looked away.
Go, she mouthed to him again. Then he was out the door and back with his security. He took the scolding from Ashik as he reminded him how much time he’d actually taken to warn his family- yes, his family. When he got into the speeder, he allowed his head to fall back against the expensive leather as his eyes closed. He still had an Empire to run, but he’d allow himself the break.
He certainly deserved some peace.
-
“I thought he’d be angrier,” Jaina said as she folded her clothes as neatly as she knew how. She frowned as her attempts ended in the same messy pile of clothes that she started with. Sighing, she threw them into the bag and zipped it up.
Beside her, Leia was looking at her curiously, “Why would he be angry?”
“Well,” Jaina started shakily, “I ended our relationship on a whim because I got overwhelmed by my circumstances.”
Leia folded one leg over the other from where she sat, moving to unzip her daughter’s bag as she started refolding her clothes as she’d done for her daughter many times before. “And I’m sure after that heartbreak, he’s happy to have you back.”
“Yes, but-“ Jaina tried to make it make sense. But she was just trying to justify her own thoughts, not Jag’s. She was angry with herself. “I don’t know how many times I can break his heart before he gives up on me.”
“Why then,” Leia pinned her down with her gaze, “Why do you keep testing his patience?”
“I am not testing him,” Jaina shrunk under her gaze. “I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Jaina. That man loves you. He doesn’t need to prove that anymore.”
“I never said he did,” Jaina moved over to the closet to pull another pair of robes off the hangar. She didn’t need it, but she’d do anything to escape her mother’s critical eye.
“I know you, Jaina,” Leia continued, “You like to push people, especially Jag. You do it because you want people to give up on you and then you can tell yourself that it was because you were undeserving- that it’s your destiny to be alone.”
Jaina swallowed despite the lump in her throat. Leia’s words hurt, but only because they were true. “Mom-“
“But Jag Fel came back to you after two years stranded on Tenupe, after exile from his family, after losing everything.” Her mother paused, waiting until Jaina faced her again to finish, “You walking away from him during a period of stress is not going to turn him away.”
Jaina closed her eyes as she battled the wave that crashed against her. Everyone would leave- she’d be alone, she knew it, she had to prepare for it-
“Jaina,” Her mother said, crossing the room to place her hands on her shoulders as she shook her. “Stop pushing him away.”
“I-“ Jaina gasped as she forced herself to come up for air, the water rippling and splashing as it threatened to form another wave. “I’ll keep disappointing him.”
“Disappointing yourself, you mean. Don’t project that on to him. I certainly hate when you do it to me and your dad.”
She forced her eyes open, surprised that her mother’s eyes were gentle. Patient.
“I can’t give him what he wants,” Jaina tried to explain. They’d ignored how much of a stain she was to his reputation, to his career. He’d told her he wouldn’t let the press get in between them. He waved away concern from his advisors about the ways in which she’d damaged his credibility. But the truth was that despite his reassurances, it hurt to be hindrance to him. It hurt to be a liability and it hurt to be his weakness.
“He wants you,” Leia clarified, “So stop removing yourself and thinking you’re doing him any good.”
“Jag is the Head of the Empire,” Jaina argued, “He wants a lot more than me. That’s why he let me walk away. That’s why he didn’t even budge when I asked him for his fleet.”
Leia sighed at her daughter’s stubbornness. “He has common sense, that’s why.”
She frowned at the implication but had long since come to accept that she’d acted out of fear that day. All she wanted was her sanctuary, her rock to shield her and everything she cared about from the impending storm. “I just don’t know how we’ll keep it from happening again.”
Leia moved back to the bed as she zipped Jaina’s bag up before she was handing it to her daughter. “Go to him and you two figure that out.”
“And if we don’t?” Jaina asked, the same fear creeping up on her as she hid from the water within her.
“Jaina Solo,” Her mother said firmly, “Do not return to me unless you are bringing me a son-in-law.”
Jaina finally found herself smiling, “Okay, Mom. I’ll make sure of it.”
-
Jag pretended to be busy as he peered down into the report before him. He was seated at the desk in his saloon on the Gilad Pellaeon as he awaited the all clear before he was headed home.
The Empire was home, he had to remind himself. He’d only been on Coruscant for the unification talks, but he was starting to forget that the Empire was home.
“Sir,” Ashik said again, frowning at his attempt to avoid this conversation.
He sighed, leaning back in his chair as he regarded the friend that he’d snapped at far too many times than was acceptable in the last few weeks. “I’m listening.”
“Your productivity decreased by twenty percent when Jedi Solo left,” His assistant said matter-of-factly, as if he had some kind of device to measure his work level.
Jag winced at the memory. “Just twenty? I thought it’d be more than that.”
“It will be if she leaves again,” Ashik said sternly. “Will you give her the chance to do so again?”
He leaned forward, folding his hands on the desk as he replied. “Yes, Ashik. I will give her that chance.”
Surprisingly, Ashik merely nodded in agreement. “Good. It was not pleasant for me to see you so unhappy.”
“Ashik,” Jag softened, no longer his boss but his friend, “I’m sorry for how I behaved. I was...emotional. Heartbroken, actually. And that was unfair to you.”
The Chiss nodded again, but Jag knew that his apology moved him. “Thank you, sir. Jaina Solo has arrived on board and will be brought up as soon as she clears security.”
His eyes widened, “Why didn’t you lead with that?”
A rare smile formed on the Ashik’s face. “I just had to make sure you were prepared.”
“And if I wasn’t?”
“Then I’d turn her away,” Ashik moved to the desk to collect the stack of datapads that he’d completed viewing. “Good evening, Sir.”
Jag watched him go until the door was closed again. She’d be with him soon, just as brash and complicated as she’d always been. He prepared himself mentally for the battle of stubbornness that was likely to ensue.
-
She hadn’t been on the Gilad Pellaeon since it first arrived in Alliance space. They had graciously allowed her StealthX to land, and it was either because Jag had never revoked her security clearance or he’d restored it in preparation for her visit. She cooperated with security as they ran her bag through a screening device and inspected her lightsaber for any anomalies. She always hated that part. It didn’t make sense to fit any explosives on a weapon that she could use to cut down their leader in an instant. But even the thought of taking another loved one’s life with that blade made her sick.
The star destroyer was busy as they made their preparations to depart Alliance space. She debated if she should really ask him to stick around like her mother wanted, but she figured that she’d done enough meddling where his ships were concerned. She came here for one reason only. The ring on her finger was a heavy reminder of that and she ensured that she kept it on until now.
She promised him that she’d wear it as long as she loved him- and that meant that she’d damned herself to life of wearing an expensive diamond ring.
“Jedi Solo.”
Jaina looked up into the piercing red eyes of Jag’s Chiss assistant. Ashik had been loyal to him and a great relief for Jaina after the assassination attempts. She trusted him to protect him from all threats- which she wondered if he now considered her one.
“Ashik,” She greeted him with a handshake which he thankfully took. His eyes paused as they spotted the ring on her finger.
“He’ll see you now.”
Jaina allowed him to lead her to his saloon. Her legs felt shaky as she tried to maintain his pace. She was nervous. Nervous, because she would need to convince him to give her another chance. She needed to convince him that she wouldn’t walk away ever again. She looked down at the band on her finger once more to remind herself.
A deep sigh escaped her as she stood before the doors. They slid open in front of her and she was met with Jag on the other side. They stared at each other for a moment before he was ushering her in, the doors closing behind them. His hand was on her back, a burning sensation as she was reminded how much she’d missed his touch.
“Would you like some caf?” Jag broke the silence.
She shook her head, “I don’t think my heart could stand to beat any faster than it is right now.”
He smiled, that half-smile she fell in love with on Borleias so many years ago. “How about some whiskey?”
She couldn’t help the grin that formed. “That’s more appropriate, I think.”
He moved over to cabinet in the corner where he pulled out an already-opened bottle of Corellia’s finest. She took the liberty to sit on the sofa nearby, trying not to sink into it as she watched him prepare two glasses. Jag came over to sit beside her as he handed her a glass. She shivered as their fingers brushed.
“Cheers,” Jag said as he raised his glass.
“Cheers.” Then a clink. Then silence once more.
“I’m wearing the ring,” Jaina started, unsure how this was going to go.
Jag’s eyes flickered to her left hand before returning to her face, “I can see that.”
“I don’t know what the solution is,” Jaina admitted. If he wouldn’t start the talking, then she would. “But I want this to work, you have to believe me.”
Jag chose to take a long drink, emptying his glass before setting it on to the table before them. Then he looked at her with a weary expression. “I’ll believe it when you make the effort to show me.”
“I just said that I don’t know how.”
He leaned into her, “I’m going to tell you how.”
She raised a brow. “Oh?”
Then Jag stood as he moved back to the bar where he poured himself another drink. She didn’t know when Jag had taken to drinking, but she probably had herself to blame. So, instead of commenting she took a small sip of her own glass. She shuddered at the bitterness. Jag wasn’t just drinking, but he was drinking the strong stuff.
“I’m going to continue to run my Empire,” Jag started, still at the bar as he stared down into the amber liquor, “And you are going to continue as a Jedi.”
“That’s what we were doing before,” Jaina reminded him.
He walked back around, stopping behind the couch as he leaned down to whisper in her ear. “I will have secrets- not because I don’t trust you but because my job comes with secrets.”
She nodded. “So does mine.”
Jag’s free arm wrapped around her chest as he pulled her into him, his face burying in her hair. “So stop getting mad at me for having my secrets. And I won’t be upset about yours.”
She allowed herself to sink into his embrace. “Secrets won’t make this relationship work.”
He stood up straight, letting her go as he walked back around to sit on the couch once more. He crossed his leg over the other tailor-style as he drank from his glass once more. “Then why didn’t you tell me about Abeloth?”
“Because-“
“Because what?” Jag challenged her, “You were royally pissed off with me because I didn’t tell you about the Mandalorians but you get a pass for not telling me about a threat as big as this?”
Jaina knew she didn’t have a worthy argument, “Right. I should have told you, that’s the point. I shouldn’t have kept it a secret.”
“Jaina,” Jag breathed softly as he put his half-empty glass down. “Can you trust that I would never act in any way to harm you or the greater good of this galaxy?”
She nodded. It was the easiest thing he’d asked her so far.
“Good,” Jag said simply, “I trust you to do the same.”
“But is that good enough for us?” Jaina asked, unsure.
“You tell me,” Jag stared into her eyes.
She didn’t say anything until she was certain. She’d know him for over fifteen years. He’d been her friend, her comrade, her lover, her enemy, her mission partner, again her friend, and again her lover. Life had thrown so many obstacles their way and each time they found their way back to each other. Perhaps she needed to take the hint and grab on to him and make sure no obstacle would come between them again. Secrets or no secrets, if she wanted him she’d have hold on through the stormiest of weather. Just as he held on to her when she was drowning.
She met his eyes with a determined gaze. “I swear to you that I am yours.”
His eyes widened as if surprised she’d felt that way. But he didn’t let it faze him. “And I am yours.”
Jaina reached out to pull him closer by the lapels of his tunic, “Then let’s have our respective secrets.”
He looked down at her, lust flashing before his eyes as he nodded, “And they don’t come between us.”
“And they don’t come between us,” Jaina repeated as she leaned up to kiss him. He turned his head to the side to deny her, taking her hands in his as he urged her with his eyes to be truthful with him.
“Promise me,” Jag breathed, and she finally felt him open himself to her again. Through the Force, she could feel his sadness, his desperation, and his loneliness. She’d done that to him by leaving and he was here before her begging her to never do it again. To have caused him so much pain...Jaina struggled to believe that she deserved him. But she owed it to him to try.
“I promise,” She whispered and then he was kissing her. I am yours, she thought as he lay her down on the sofa. And I am yours, he thought back and she heard it as if he spoke the words into the air. But neither of them could have spoken aloud, not while their tongues were so deeply entwined. She breathed into him and he breathed out through her. His body felt heavy against her, a weight that she had longed to feel for too long.
But she pulled away. There was more for them to discuss before they gave into raw passion. Passion wouldn’t save their relationship; it’d only delay their troubles. She allowed herself to breathe his air, to remind her lungs what oxygen felt like. She had to keep her head above the water, for both their sakes.
“What is it?” Jag asked, “Something else on your mind?”
She nodded. In response he pulled her up to sit snugly in his lap, one hand on her lower back as it rubbed comforting circles into her tense muscles. He brushed his lips against hers again, as if he’d had a debt of touch which he needed repaid for the time lost in the last few weeks.
“The ring,” Jaina managed to say, “I can wear it as my sign of love to you, but others will see it as something else.”
“Well, it was originally intended to signify our engagement,” Jag looked at her curiously, “But that’s not in the cards right now.”
She swallowed the uncomfortable feeling his words gave her. “I want to marry you though.”
He raised a brow, “Don’t take it as an insult when I say that I don’t think that’s what you want at all.”
“Look,” Jaina started with a heavy sigh, “I know I don’t have the best track record as far as engagements go.”
Jag chuckled, both at himself and her, “That’s twice now you freak out on me because we’re engaged.”
The reminder stung a little bit. They had reached a crossroads many years ago after the Yuuzhan Vong war; Jag had wanted marriage but she wasn’t ready to take that step. She was too young, too immature and too traumatised to make such a life-changing choice. He hadn’t begrudged her for it- he never begrudged her for anything- but their relationship still fizzled out after.
She didn’t blame him for thinking this time was the same as then. She had to admit that marriage scared her. It brought out all her insecurities, her fears that she would fail or that she’d never be enough. Her fear of her destiny loomed over her, that prophecy that dictated that she was meant to stand alone. She was scared of losing him and being unable to stand strong after. The abyss called out to her, tempting her to drown in its darkness and revel in her fear. But if she chose to keep living, she wanted her years to be spent with Jag by her side. Just as she’d seen her own parents do, she wanted a life with him that would banish those fears for good.
Jaina met his eyes once more, noting his own fears that hid behind them. “I am afraid. I’m afraid of so many things, but most of all I am afraid of living.”
“Jaina,” Jag sighed, his eyes softening. But she tried not to sink under the water as she continued.
“I am afraid of living any second longer without knowing that it’s worth it.” Her eyes glistened with the tears now forming, but she continued, “I’m so scared of living that I find a way to sabotage anything that keeps me grounded.”
Jag watched her carefully, reading more into her soul than into her words. But she knew that he’d understand what she meant. Jaina took another deep breath, “But this time, when I sabotaged myself, I found no satisfaction. If I am going to keep living, I can’t keep doing this to myself.”
He nodded, “I know.”
“Then I have to defeat fear,” Jaina admitted, “I have to give myself what I want. And I what I want is to marry you in a beautiful ceremony surrounded by all our friends. I want to wear a beautiful white gown and have my father walk me down the aisle to you.”
She noticed him stop breathing in surprise at her words. Her anxieties told her to stop, it warned her that she would only get his hopes up and crush it like she’d done so many times before. But she had to continue, she had to choose. “Then we’d go on a long honeymoon, no work, no Jedi business. I’d wake up next to you every day for as long as we both live- and I want that to be for a very long time.”
“Jaina-“ Jag was saying but she placed a finger on his lips to silence him. She had to finish. She had to admit this last part, because it was what had scared her more than anything else.
“Then we’d have children,” The tears finally fell, “I’d get to have a baby. I’d get to be a mother.”
He kissed her, knowing that there was nothing else she needed to say. The fear of unleashing the darkness inside her in the form of a child...that had scared her the most. Her own mother feared the same thing and that fear had come true. Jaina knew her inner darkness was potentially greater than her twin’s, and for that she feared passing that along to an innocent child who’d never know why.
Jag pulled away, cradling her face firmly in his hands. “Jaina. You will be an excellent mother.”
She shook her head, “You don’t know that.”
“I do,” Jag breathed, his eyes unwavering as he communicated his belief in her, “And I will never- ever- let you fall.”
“I can promise you that I will love you for as long as I live,” Jaina admitted, “But I can’t promise you that I won’t fall. I can’t promise that I won’t curse our child.”
“You are not cursed,” Jag insisted.
She didn’t know if she’d ever believe him. “I run away not because I don’t want it. I run because I want it too much. I want to marry you and raise a family with you more than I want anything else.”
He pressed his forehead against hers, “Then marry me and raise a family with me.”
Her fingers held firmly on to the tufts of his hair that she grabbed, trying to hold him to her forever. Nothing was assured. She’d never know exactly what the future held. She might never escape the water and she may drown for the rest of her life. But no matter how wet her lungs were, she’d never stop yearning for air. She’d yearn for a future with Jag. In a silent conversation with the Force, she asked its permission to choose that future.
She didn’t keep track of what happened next. Clothes came off, positions were changed, but she hadn’t fallen an inch into the abyss in her mind as long as he held her.
“Jag,” She breathed, her hold on his hair becoming impossibly tight. He breathed a soft sigh from where he held himself on top of her. She closed any distance between their bodies, her legs wrapping around his waist and ensuring that their skin was unable to feel anything but skin.
“Jaina,” He whispered, his mouth on her ear as his teeth enclosed her earlobe.
“I need you,” Jaina panted, her back arching as she urged him to just take her. He didn’t wait any longer, but he was slow in his movements. He took his time as he savoured every inch of her that he could have, as if he feared that it might be the last. She surrendered herself to his love, enjoying every kiss, every lick, every bit of friction between them. He had years to learn her body, didn’t need time to learn her most sensitive spots, to angle himself just right to bring her over the edge. He could make love to her in a thousand different ways and she’d come each and every time as long as it was him.
As she felt her body tighten, her insides twisting and her legs shaking, her mind quietened enough to see clarity. No water threatened her. Their eyes were locked, and it was as she stared into his eyes that she realised that it would always be him. She’d always come back to him because he was always the one.
“I love you,” Jaina muttered, her body still riding the waves of pleasure he’d brought her. He leaned down to kiss her in response, his own body reaching its climax. They would always come back to each other no matter how hard they tried to run in the other direction. Jag continued to kiss her, the love not ending just because their physical bodies were spent. She was tired of running away in the name of a destiny that damned her to loneliness.
Instead, she decided, to run towards the destiny that always seemed to find her.
END