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…Noah.
I’ll never forget that conversation I had with him. I told him that we were getting out of this together.
I wasn’t going to let either of us die.
I wasn’t going to let him die.
But there I had found him, floating in the lake. Knife still wedged in his lower shoulder, rope burns covering his neck.
Why?
Why did it have to be him?
It didn’t even feel real. It initially felt like a scene from a horror movie, where one of the characters discovers a body. I thought that it just couldn't be real...
It’s been so difficult to come to terms with reality.
And that reality is that Noah is dead. Somebody killed him.
He had been left alone to die.
I wish it had been Duncan. I can’t believe he left him, all by himself in the woods.
How petty and foolish of them all.
I want to hate them. I want to have the anger to rip out that punk’s eyes. But I just can’t.
Because I'm overwhelmed with missing Noah so much. I just love him so much.
I can’t bring myself to think about anything else. To feel anything else besides despair, longing, guilt…
I would’ve ended my suffering already, if I had the energy. If I knew that it wouldn’t hurt anybody else. But, I don’t really want to die. I just don’t want to live without him.
He truely meant everything to me…
And I had to see him floating lifelessly in the lake.
My life will never go back to how it was, and for years people have been telling me to just accept it, to get over it.
But, I just can’t. It feels impossible to ever be able to just 'move on'. I can never forget about it, not even for a second.
Whenever I close my eyes at night, I see his, glazed over and soulless.
And it’s painful to remember what they looked like before. With the way his amber pearls would glisten in the sunlight. Even when he’d pull that sarcastic frown at me when he'd pretend to be annoyed. He was beautiful.
And he was still beautiful, even when he died. He was near flawless. With his stunning hair and perfect jaw.
…If only he wasn’t soaked with dirty water and covered with blood… with those marks and burns covering his throat.
It sickens me.
Why did it have to be him?
Why...?
It's not fair.
Sometimes in class, I zone out whilst thinking about him, and stare out the window. My body often starts to feel as if I’m not present; as if I’m floating along on the water. Letting the current wash me away.
And when I go on walks to the river, near where I live, I sit on the shore, and think about how it will feel to put my hand in it. And to let myself get carried away, like how I did as a child.
Back then, I’d always play pretend, and act as if I was saving somebody from drowning. And I would say how stupid that was, but I was really just a kid deep down. And I still was when I discovered Noah.
…
I’ll never touch the water again.
I cannot bring myself to.
“Cody? Cody, dear. Come down and get your dinner. Before it gets cold.”
“...In a minute, Ma.”