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Twenty minutes have gone by—maybe even thirty, she’s not entirely sure—yet Shelly still hasn’t come back to her seat. Bambi takes a look around, exchanges a polite smile with Lenny when their eyes meet. The movie gets a few laughs out of her, but each gag, each witty one-liner has her looking at the empty seat to her left, and every time, she turns around and stares at the door, hoping maybe she’ll finally walk in and watch the rest of the movie with them. She doesn’t, though, and eventually Bambi’s surprise turns into worry, and the next thing she knows she’s standing from her seat, quietly apologizing as she makes her way out of the room.
In the hall, a wave of relief washes over her as she notices Richie sitting on the stairs opposite her, Shelly standing in front of him. Richie waves her over, and she can’t help but place a hand on Shelly’s arm when arriving near her.
“There you are,” she says, a little louder than she intended, and she soon realizes that what she meant to say to herself has been heard by both persons in front of her. She turns to Richie. “Everything okay?”
“It is now,” he simply says, and Bambi knows that means he will fill her in later. “You?”
She smiles, silently nods in lieu of an answer, and Richie sighs—what a night. He looks up at Bambi, before his eyes turn to Shelly, then Bambi again.
“I should probably bring them reels five and six,” he declares as he stands, sounding somewhat defeated, though it’s probably the fatigue tearing through the facade he’s built for himself. He reaches for the reels, smiles at Bambi as he leaves, but his back is already turned when she waves at him.
She watches him walk up the stairs, turns around to face Shelly, catches her staring—or maybe wishes she was and happened to look her way when the older woman glanced at her. All she knows is, she feels slightly lightheaded as Shelly’s big, blue eyes hold her gaze for a second or so. Were they alone, she probably would have leaned in and kissed her on the spot. But they’re not, strangers and colleagues alike occasionally walking by, giving them a quick smile or respectful nod, and she silently curses all of them for preventing her from being affectionate with Shelly. So, instead of kissing her, or grabbing her hand, she simply smiles, again, because that’s all she can do, really. She wants to talk to her, tell her she misses her, but that would go against the boundaries Shelly’s set for them, and so she chooses to not say anything. Thankfully, though, Shelly soon breaks the silence, and her voice is so soft, so low that Bambi has to make her repeat her sentence.
“I asked if you wanted to go back to watching the movie,” she says again, a little louder this time.
Bambi shrugs. “Do you?”
“I’ve already missed half of it,” she states as she looks at her watch. “But you should go if you want to.”
The blonde shakes her head no. For an instant, she considers telling her she’d rather be with her anyway, but decides against it. Instead, she lies and says Doug asked her to stay in the hall to welcome latecomers, and though both of them know that isn’t true, Shelly doesn’t question it. Being with Bambi is like a breath of fresh air on a hot summer night to the woman, but it is one that is so intoxicating she has to pay attention to her every move, her every word. Beyond the irreversible damage being caught with another, younger woman could cause to her life, she doesn’t want to toy with Bambi. Doesn’t want to hurt her. Of course, Bambi has been lovely enough to tell her she doesn’t have to worry, that she understands her need for space, and she’s respected that for the most part, Shelly knows it. But, after the inevitable pantry sex in her house, she also knows Bambi has feelings for her. If she’s being honest, she might have feelings for her, too. The truth is, she’s not quite sure. It’s new, and it’s unsettling, and it’s frustrating. There’s so much she wants to explore still, so much she wants to discover, but she also has a family. A family she would do anything for. A family that comes first, always. She just needs to reassess what she expects of her life, and she’s not entirely certain where Bambi fits into all of that. All she knows is, she appreciates spending time with her. Delights in her company, even. And in another life, under other circumstances, maybe they would’ve been a lovely match—but as of now, this timeline and this universe, there’s only so much she can promise her. And if she knows Bambi isn’t expecting, let alone asking for much, she’s also well aware that the woman wishes for something more.
She’s lost in thought when Bambi brings her back to reality.
“Are you staying for the after-party? If there is one, that is.”
“Probably. Lenny and I haven’t had a night out in ages,” she explains. “Though we might not stay long.”
Bambi nods, smiles—spending time with Shelly and her husband isn’t exactly the evening of her dreams, but she’ll take what she can get. Lenny is a sweet man, too, and while they’ve only met a couple times, she has to admit she’s intrigued by him. Fascinated, almost. Somewhat jealous, too, though she would never admit it out loud. The situation is complicated enough as it is for Shelly, and the last thing she wants is to add to it. She misses her, though. She’s right in front of her and she misses her. Misses her touch, her scent, the way she cups her cheek to pull her closer when she kisses her. And as much as she tries to deny it, her heart breaks in a million little pieces whenever she thinks about the fact that they can’t be together.
She pouts at the thought, and Shelly notices, because Shelly is nothing if not attentive to other people.
“You okay?”
Bambi nods again, doesn’t let herself answer with words, because her voice would probably betray her.
“What’s wrong?” Shelly insists, maintaining eye contact, and for an instant she worries she might have upset her by mentioning Lenny—but what else was she supposed to do?
Bambi takes a minute to compose herself, closes her eyes, takes a deep breath.
“I miss you.” Her voice breaks, and while she’s trying to remain in control, she can feel a single tear forming in the corner of her eye. Shelly doesn’t answer, doesn’t know what to say, and so she continues, though she’s whispering now. “I miss you so much, Shel. I know I shouldn’t, but I just—I do. I miss you.”
Shelly gives her a sad smile. If she’s being completely honest with herself, she misses her too, but she’s promised herself it wouldn’t happen again. For her sake, for Lenny’s, for her children’s—it can’t happen again. She cannot let herself miss her, she cannot lean into the feeling of ease she feels when she’s around Bambi. She hates seeing her like this, though, cannot stand the pain she’s causing her, and so, after a quick glance to make sure nobody can see them, she cups her cheek, draws little circles on it with her thumb. She smiles as Bambi’s eyes fall shut and she leans into her, relaxes against her touch. She wishes she could do more, but that is about as much as she can allow herself in this instant.
“Shelly?”
Joyce’s voice resonates in the staircase behind her, and Shelly’s hand immediately leaves Bambi’s face to return to her side.
“Have you seen—” Joyce continues as she makes her way down the stairs, only to stop when she registers that Bambi is in front of her. “Bambi. I was looking for you.”
“What’s up, boss?”
“The after-party is back on, and I can’t seem to find Tina.”
“Be right there,” Bambi answers with a soft smile, and as soon as she does, Joyce is on her way back upstairs. She turns to Shelly. “Duty calls. I’ll see you at the party?”
“See you there.”
The smile on Bambi’s lips turns into a grin and she can’t help but squeeze Shelly’s hand. She squeezes it for too long maybe, considering they’re in public and anybody could walk by, and she almost immediately regrets the affectionate gesture—until she looks up to see Shelly is giving her the tenderest smile, a smile that makes her anxieties fade in the background for a short moment. She utters a barely audible “bye” at Shelly and heads upstairs to meet Joyce, still beaming from the knowledge that she will see Shelly in a few. The woman makes her feel warm inside and, as painful as her crush on her can be sometimes, she realizes she’s yielded, and she might as well go with it now. So she holds onto the familiarity, the warmth and the tenderness.
At the very least, she will see Shelly later.