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That morning, as any other morning, Muriel opens the book shop at 8am. The streets are a bit crowded that time, but nearby anyone enters the shop. That’s the time people rush to work downtown, maybe to some office building. The year is 2046. Some humans may think that the planet has changed much since the last two and so decades, but not really. Smartphones are smarter, AI has done everyone’s life more complicated, and fake news are everywhere. The shop is not the same, though. The angel has learnt the human costumes and now sells also music, merchandising and gives a courtesy snack to the nerds and geeks that come over. On the other hand, most of the selling is done online. And for that purpose, she keeps an organized agenda of shipments that the delivery boy insists in de-organize. It’s eight-twenty-two when he finally enters the book shop. Muriel just blanks her eyes. The man comes to the well-arranged section of boxes that need to be sent and reads the sheets.
-Mmm today’s shipment, 11am -crosses a line and writes it back-, on Wednesday, 20pm would be better -he laughs at loud and Muriel knows he’s trying to provoke her.
-You do know that’s a pointless mischief, right? -she finally spits it out-, not really hell-y from you, demon -he laughs again. Both know it’s a fake laugh. Muriel has always asked on herself why he kept this ridiculous job. He could do anything on earth, anything on the universe. Why just wasting his days messing with shipments and taking the complaints of the buyers with disrespect as if anyone cared.
-That’s not pointless -he contradicts-. People is lazy to get their own shopping, so they can’t pretend it to be accurately on time -he explains.
-But that’s exactly the point of delivery services -she complains and stops for a second to look at him-. Nevermind -she whispers. Muriel knows this is not the same Crowley she knew the first time. She’s always told he’s a bit of nostalgic, but lately his very soul is filled with sadness. So she tries really hard to be nice on him, but it can be a challenge.
-If you keep watching me as you feel sorry I’m throwing all the shipments to the river -he interrupts. Muriel denies with her head and smile.
-Very evil -answers rapidly.
-It’s amazing how fast you learnt to sarcasm -she smiles because it’s weird to receive a compliment from him. She doesn’t really know for certain why has happened to him. But she has a strong theory about it. She decides to let it go.
-Fine, have a nice day -she tells, showing that conversation has ended.
The demon exits the shop without saying goodbye and Muriel makes an effort to not think too much about it. On her brief decades on earth she discovered that she’s very empathetic. When someone’s sad or angry or whatever, she can feel that too. That’s why she doesn’t really like dealing too much with the delivery demon. It’s different with humans. Let’s take for example, Josh. He’s a seventeen-year-old human that comes to the shop on Fridays to listen to Coldplay and catch up with the latest number of Weekly Shonen Jump to read the adventures of shamans in Jujutsu Kaisen. Yes, they sell comic book and magazines too. Josh is sad too, but deep inside his soul is tremendously filled with hope that future will be better. He’s human and he's young, so that’s the way it’s supposed to be. But Crowley is different. He’s lived long enough to give up hope to the cynic affirmation that everything sucks. And deep inside, she pities him. So in her daily prayer she includes him, not really knowing what to ask for, but with the hope that somehow he would be seen by Heaven.
The next morning, as any other morning, Muriel opens the book shop at 8am. This time the delivery boy decides to show up at nine-thirty-six. A bit extreme even for him, but as usually she doesn’t complain. As usually, he goes straight to the shipping section and messes with delivery dates and hours. It’s strange that he’s completely silent, so she talks first.
-Morning -she greets enthusiastically. She only receives a growl in response. That’s the third weird, even for him. She takes an envelope from the pocket of her coat and offers it to him-. This was at the mail for you -Crowley seems surprised. He takes a look from above where he’s with he boxes and shows her a glimpse of his yellow eyes-. Maybe a customer finally decided to sue you -she announces. The demon takes the envelope and saves it on his pocket.
-Oh how nice, the daily dose of rejection I was eager for -he says in irony-. See you have lots to learn in sarcasm matters -he completes but doesn’t laugh. Not even a fake mid smile. Not even an eyebrow movement.
-Have a nice day -she says joyfully as she watches him going out. As expected, she doesn’t get any response. Once out, he stands at the front door and opens the letter. Muriel tries really hard not to watch him through the window but she can’t help it. She’s genuinely worried. She watches Crowley check at the hour. It’s almost 10 am. When she watches again, he can’t be seen anywhere.
A nanosecond after he’s at the bench park. He sits rigidly and looks straight ahead in a conscious effort not to look at the angel he just sat at the same bench. He doesn’t need to, though. Aziraphale is all joy and excitement, his aura filled with happiness. Good for you, he thinks in resignment and still doesn’t look. He’s trying hard not to move any facial muscle that might expose him. But he can’t help breathing hard and move his nose some millimeters.
-Hello -the angel greets. Crowley still doesn’t move-. I’m glad you came. I was afraid you were too stubborn and proud to show up-. The demon would tell that he rushed at the speed of light and didn’t even think in pride but hope. He just shrugs.
-So what are you up to, Aziraphale? -he asks, getting fast out of it. It’s weird for him to hear his full name on his voice-. It’s been twenty-three years today I last heard from you, so it must be a reason you are on earth again -he tells. The angel opens his eyes in surprise.
-Twenty-three years, unbelievable! You know time’s different up there, right? -Crowley shrugs again.
-So I’ve heard -he mumbles.
-I know your name -the angel keeps going-. The name in which you’ve been created -Crowley breathes heavily.
-Don’t say it -he asks-. I’m not having this conversation again. Was that it? -he asks, his voice a little bit rough and beastly, and still watching ahead.
-No, that’s not it! -Aziraphale affirms and then speaks in trembling voice-. I- I wanted to explain.
-Fine. Explain -Crowley tells coldly. The angel moves his hands in discomfort.
-I remember when we first met, when the universe started -Crowley nods in agreement. He remembers too-. I remember your eyes filled with joy and wonder. I remember your cheerful smile. I just wanted that for you again. I just wanted you to be happy -he says, looking down. Crowley is tempted to finally look at him but he doesn’t because he fears that if he does he might hold him tightly, violently, and never let him go back again to Heaven. Instead, he growls.
-I don’t buy it. I’m not stupid enough to fall for the “I did it all for you” excuse. Let that for humans. It’s a nice detail, though, that you care enough for making up an excuse -he keeps going but gets interrupted.
-You stubborn ass, you don’t even look at me! -Aziraphale accuses him. Crowley can’t hold an ironic laugh-. Look at me! -he says. The demon obeys right away and notices his excitement aura’s been replaced with worries and troubles.
-As you wish, your highness -he tells in rough, slow voice.
-I don’t want you to obey, I want you to want it -the angel complains.
-Too bad there’s still free will -Crowley tells.
-And I am not giving any excuse, I am telling the truth! -the angel keeps going.
-You know, that you believe it doesn’t make it truth -Crowley contradicts-. Is that what you tell yourself while you enjoy almighty eternity? -Aziraphale is about to tell something but Crowley interrupts him-. Why wouldn’t you ask?
-Ask for what? -the angel inquires in some surprise.
-You say you wanted my happiness; you could have asked what made me happy and I would have told you. But instead, you decided with no hesitation what was right for me. Make no mistake, you did it for yourself. It was that you wanted and nothing more. I had no opinion on that matter -Aziraphale wants to say something but can’t-. Let me tell you something more. It was no more than a bribe from Metatron to make you do what he wanted. You were manipulated. In all eternity never a fallen angel returned to Heaven, ask Gabriel if not -he ends the sentence with a beasty growl while he nods his head-. You should have known better -he whispers. He takes his glasses off and rubs his yellow eyes with two fingers.
-But I- I just- the angel babbles. He feels stupid now because he knows Crowley might be right. He swallows strongly and lets that matter for later-. So what makes you happy?
-Forget it, it’s pointless now -Crowley says in resignation.
-Why are you in such a rage? -the angel asks.
-Oh believe me your highness, I overcame rage time ago. So if there’s not anything else, I’ve got deliveries to make -he stands up and starts walking. Aziraphale follows him.
-So tell me what’s going on! You’re not offended for Metatron or the angelic state, right? -he tries to guess. Crowley just shrugs and keeps walking.
-I wanted you to want it, but if you don’t that’s okay anyway -he responds.
-To want for what? -Aziraphale keeps pushing. Crowley blanks his eyes.
-Have a nice eternity -he tells and a quarter of second after he’s not anywhere to be seen.
Aziraphale could have returned to Heaven and forgot all of that. But he was as well too stubborn to let it go. And he was not that stupid. He just didn’t know how to talk about the elephant in the room. Crowley kissed him and he pushed back and disappeared from earth for twenty-three years. He expected Crowley to be upset about it. But he didn’t expect to see him so filled with dark, gloom and sadness. He was been honest about something, he really wanted to see him happy again. But he started to think that he might have well misunderstood what made Crowley happy. He should have asked but he was so excited to have it all, a heavenly eternity and him by his side. He sighs in discomfort. Crowley was right, he did it for himself. He smiles sweetly when he imagines himself performing an apology dance. He just hopes it’s not too late.
Aziraphale knows he’s been rude on Crowley. He has known his feelings for centuries and just got accustomed to them. As an angelic entity he loves everything on god’s creation. But what he feels for his dearest friend is different. He’s been aware of that probably since he lied to Gabriel in all that Job matter. And knows that his poor attempt of love confession was probably the most difficult thing he’s done in all his existence. Aziraphale had no right nor intention of being rude to him. But when he sensed the sight of Metatron looking at them, when he sensed the danger of being punished with the end of existence, he panicked. Every day he wanted to come back to the book shop and explain to him that, for once, he was trying to be the one who saves him. He wanted to tell him how difficult it was to look down and witness his pain getting bigger and bigger. He wanted to tell him how badly he missed him and that he would gladly give it all away if he could be back to his side.
Instead, he just saved it up for himself and spoke a poor ridiculous justification. He embarrassed himself and injured the demon even worst. He seriously considers confessing it all to Metatron and ask to be sent to Hell as he should have been back in the day. But it wouldn’t solve anything. Even getting punished would be an escape of what he really had to do. So after a long deliberation with himself, he decided to give himself another chance and try it again. The angel walks through his old neighborhood to get to the book shop and clarify things for once. He doesn’t fancy how much his street has changed. Not one of the shops he ever knew was there anymore. He makes a quick stop at Nina’s coffee shop just to find out that she died from leukemia years ago and that her shop is now a beer house. He’s a little bit more heartbroken when he reaches the book store. He gives a little jump when he’s nearly crashed by some teenager in a bike.
-Careful! Those boxes are fragile! -Aziraphale recognizes Muriel’s voice right away. She’s standing at the front door when she gets suddenly serious and makes a sort of reverence-. Your highness -she babbles. The angel’s a bit confused by that but approaches to her anyway.
-There’s no need for that -he smiles cheerfully-. Can I come in, please? -he asks.
-Of course, your highness! -Aziraphale can’t help a little laugh-. That’s Josh, the delivery boy. Forgive him please, it’s his first week. It’s what they call a summer job. He wants to save for college -she explains. When he enters the book shop he looks around in surprise and wonder. It looks so different, yet so beautiful-. Do you fancy a cup of tea? -Muriel offers. Aziraphale suddenly realizes he hasn’t eaten anything in decades.
-Yes, please -he quickly accepts and Muriel gets to work on it-. What happened to the previous delivery boy? -he asks. She gives him a cup and has one to herself before sitting.
-Oh thank goodness you heard me -she tells-. You know an angel of my level can’t really make a call that high, but I really wanted to call for you -Aziraphale tries not to jump to conclusions.
-Well, what can I do for you? -offers-. And you didn’t answer my question. What happened to him? -he insists.
-I don’t know. He went to church and came back the day after. And then closed himself in the room upstairs and hasn’t let me open the door or made any noise, so I don’t know what’s going on in there but I don’t like it -she tells. Aziraphale drinks the tea quickly and takes one second only to close his eyes and feel the taste.
-I’m going up and see if you don’t matter -he tells, without bothering in asking for permission.
Aziraphale has a bad feeling about all this and a sense of responsibility that burns inside. He just prays it’s not too late. The door opens gently for him. Although outside it’s a nice sunny day, inside the room is a dark, cold night without moon. He quickly sees Crowley lying in bed, facing the wall, completely immobile, closed eyes. The quiet is so great that he seems a statue carved in marble like the ones in the cemetery. The angel calls his name but gets no answer. He couldn’t even sense his aura. He enters and crunches in front on him in order to watch at his face. He calls again, in trembling voice, and gets a little growl in response.
-Wake up -he asks in shattered voice. Once again he gets no answer. His hand shake as much as his voice-. Wake up, please -repeats lower.
-Can you do me one last favor? -Crowly finally whispers, without moving-. Can you give me some holy water? Not from the church, not from Muriel. I mean the holiest.
-What for? -Aziraphale babbles.
-To end my existence for once -Crowley explains. The angel presses his eyes and nods his head.
-I can’t watch you die -he cries.
-You don’t have to. You can go -the demon contradicts-. Please -he insists. Aziraphale could yell in pain.
-No, this is all my fault! How can I fix it? What can I do? -he asks desperately.
-It’s not. Chill. It is mine -Crowley tells calmly-. You don’t have to stay. You can go -he offers again.
-I don’t want to. How could it possibly be your fault? -he asks.
-I asked for questions that I shouldn’t ask and tried to look for answers, once again. I wanted more than god offered me, once again. That’s my sin -he explains.
-It’s not a sin to want something more. It’s personal growth -Aziraphale contradicts.
-It is. It’s called greed and that’s my true nature. Don’t even god can change that. So why bothering in keep trying? -the angel hides his face with his open hands and tries not to yell in despair-. You don’t deserve to watch this. Go away.
-At least look at me -he babbles. So he does. He opens his yellow eyes and looks straight to the angel’s.
-You cry golden tears, how curious -Crowley whispers. The angel touches his wet cheeks and discovers that as well.
-I wouldn’t tell. I’ve never cried before -he explains while crying. Crowley closes his eyes again.
-Go in peace, I forgive you. Just let me die, would you? -he tells in sweet soft voice. Aziraphale can even hear the resignation in his voice-. I’m sorry about that. I tried my best to prevent you to feel heartbroken too.
-There must be something I can do to fix it -he tells. He searches in his pockets and takes a brilliant stone-. Have this. Raphael gave me this emerald. It’s supposed to heal anyone who owns it -Crowley barely opens his eyes and gives a glimpse to the precious stone, to close them again.
-You should have it, angel -he whispers.
-I didn’t mean to hurt you. Metatron was watching and I was afraid he would harm you -he finally tells in desperation. Crowley swallows strongly and nods.
-I know, I know -that shocks Aziraphale. So what on earth was going on? He just cries harder and hides his face upon the mattress letting there little golden drops. He cries desperately for a while in front of him until tears go dry.
-Fine. I accept your choice. If you really want to put an end to your existence, I’m no one to question your free will -the angel finally says. He stands up and rounds the bed. He lies next to him and hugs his waist with one arm-. At least let me hold you. Don’t go all alone, please.
-It might take a while -Crowley complains.
-It’s okay -Aziraphale says. He holds him gently and lets some minutes pass in absolute silence-. It’s okay -he repeats softly when he realizes that Crowley cries as well. The demon just presses his eyelids and says nothing-. So what makes you happy? -he finally asks.
-You did, tremendous dork -he quickly tells. Aziraphale is about to cry again. He holds a bit tighter.
-Did? What changed your mind? -he babbles. There’s a long moment of silence-. If you plan to die anyway, what harm would it be in answering? -Crowley sighs.
-Knowing that you don’t love me -he finally spits. Aziraphale opens his eyes widely.
-Who told you that nonsense? -he asks in surprise and indignation.
-You did -Crowley accuses him.
-I did not! I would never say such a horrible thing to anyone, specially to you!
-Pushing me back and disappearing for twenty-three years isn’t precisely a lovely treat -Crowley contradicts. Aziraphale shakes and falls slow golden tears.
-I know -he cries-. That’s why I tried to apologize to you. Unsuccessfully, I guess -he keeps crying hard-. I do love you -he whispers-. I just panicked that they might hurt you.
-You could have told -Crowley answers dryly.
-I know, I’m so sorry -the angel cries in despair-. I’m sorry. Please tell me how to fix this. Do you want an apology dance? You can have it. You can have ten or twenty.
-Stop this nonsense, angel -the demon complains-. I don’t want your stupid little dance, although it would be amusing. I want you to say it again. Seriously. For real.
-I’m so absolutely and profoundly sorry -he cries.
-The other thing -Crowley points.
-I love you -he cries, his voice shaking.
-Wonderful. But I’m not forgiving you easily. Not even with twenty dances -Crowley says.
-I know -Aziraphale cries. It’s a messy cry, his face red and swollen, his whole body shaking as letting out everything he held back for a long time-. It’s not okay, right? -he suddenly realizes.
-Nope -Crowley answers quickly. At the same time, he gently takes his hand just to realize that he still holds the emerald, so now they hold it together.
-I’m sorry -the angel cries and keeps saying at low voice. Crowley nods.
-I know you are. Chill -he asks.
-Maybe not dying after all? -Aziraphale proposes while in tears. There’s some moment of silence.
-Maybe -Crowley concedes in a whisper. Aziraphale lets the air going out heavily and takes some minutes to finally calm down until everything’s silent again-. That stone seems to work -he points. Aziraphale shrugs.
-And what now? -he sobs.
-I don’t know angel, you put us into this mess -Crowley accuses. Aziraphale is about to cry again but the demon presses his hand a little closer-. Stop, please. You’ve cried enough -he whispers.
-Would you at least look at me? -Aziraphale babbles. Crowley nods and turns around so they face each other-. You have nice eyes, you know -the demon can’t help a little laugh.
-Look at you in pink and gold, how adorable -he mocks-. Come -he asks as he pushes Aziraphale closer to him. He hugs him tight as he hides his face to his chest.
-I missed you -Aziraphale babbles.
-Oh did you? Nothing lasts forever you said -Crowley points.
-That’s for humans only -the angel contradicts-. I was wrong -he admits.
-I missed you too -Crowley admits in a whisper-. But it hurts that you’ll have to go again. And I kept the last twenty-three years asking why.
-I wanted you to come with me -the angel sobs.
-I couldn’t. But I would have if I had known the alterative was much worse -Crowley says.
-No, you didn’t have to feel forced to be anything but yourself. It was my bad to pretend for that. And you’re right, I did it for myself, because I wanted it all. I wanted more -Aziraphale shrugs-. It seems that we’re the same on that point.
-That’s actually comforting -Crowley says with a mid-smile.
-You said you overcame rage. So how do you feel? -Aziraphale keeps going, trying to get his logic back.
-Sad -Crowley affirms-. Unloved -adds-. And how about you?
-Guilty. Humiliated -Aziraphale confesses-. You don’t have to feel that -he finally adds.
-So tell me how to feel, your highness -Crowley mocks.
-Warm? Befriended? -the demon laughs at loud.
-Correct me if I’m wrong but I think friends don’t hug each other in bed just like this -points accurately.
-I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had any other -Aziraphale discusses. Crowley sighs.
-I kissed you once, remember? -asks, while thinking that depending on the answer he could easily get back to the end-of-existence plan.
-That was no kiss! That was a violent abuse! -Aziraphale complains-. A kiss should be proper and gently, not a desperation act. There’s actually a nice description in one of Paul’s letters to the Corinthians -Crowley blanks his eyes.
-I don’t think I’ve read that. So, light me what proper means -he provokes him.
-Fine -Aziraphale accepts. He’s nervous, it can be seen in any corner of his face. Crowley on the other hand is delighted. He’s finally having fun. He can’t help a little smile-. Oh look at you so pleased -the angel points. Crowley finally smiles showing all his teeth-. I haven’t seen such a smile since the beginning of time.
-Serve yourself -the demon mocks in a big smile. He doesn’t have any time to laugh because he’s interrupted by a kiss. He instantly understands what proper means. It’s warm and gentle, a bit shaking, even the smell and taste is good. He lets the air out of the nose and softens the tension in his muscles.
-See, that’s better -Aziraphale points.
-I don’t think I got it, I’m a slow learner -the demon tells while exaggerating a sad expression.
-You trick no one with those puppy eyes -Aziraphale smiles and losses no time in kissing him again. This time he makes it last a little longer.
-Don’t go again. Don’t go -Crowley begs while holding him tightly.
-I’m not sure whether that would be possible -Aziraphale admits-. I’ll be close one way or another. I guess we’ll have to figure it out.
-Fine, that’s good enough for now -Crowley accepts-. Just don’t leave me like that again -he adds, his words filled with a sudden sadness.
-Of course not darling, I promise -Aziraphale says firmly.
-Darling -Crowley repeats in a slight whisper-. Sounds nice, I guess.
-Are you done trying to die? -Aziraphale asks while smiling-. I was thinking we could go back to the Ritz and have a nice and extremely alcoholic meal -he proposes.
-Well, I tried something you would like, it’s called blueberry gin tonic -Crowley remembers.
-See, we’re cool, right? -Aziraphale guesses while he gets up and offers him his hand.
-Fine, we can go but you’ll never get out of it so easily -Crowley growls in a harmless menace and takes his hand to stand.
-I know, I know, that’s why I’m making an effort in not pointing that you stubborn ass won’t say you love me back -points mischievously.
-No, you’re right, I won’t say -Crowley makes it double. Aziraphale blanks his eyes.
-As you wish, it makes no difference -he looks at him up and down-. Put something decent, you can’t go the Ritz in that hoodie like you didn’t shower in twenty-three years! -complains. Crowley ignores that but in his next blink he’s in a nice new suit.
-It makes no difference? So my punishment is not having any effect? -asks, a bit upset about it.
-Your face tells enough. So no, it doesn’t -Aziraphale affirms-. By the way, you look nice, dear -Crowley growls.
-I forgot how much irritating you can be. My gin will be double, I assure you -Aziraphale can’t help a cheerful laugh.
-You won’t get drunk on that but it will be fun to see you try -the angel points while opening the door and letting Crowley pass first.
-Thank you, my dear -he says while exiting the room, without real care about he’s just said. Aziraphale doesn’t lose the detail and smiles to himself-. So, you knew the whole time? Unbelievable -Crowley complains-. Please don’t say that’s ineffable.
-I wouldn’t dare, darling. Now let’s get you drunk, shall we? -Aziraphale insists. That’s a peace offer. When they reach the streets, he gently takes his hand to walk by his side.