Chapter Text
Alhaitham looks down at the blond man laying on the hospital bed before him. He feels sick. Kaveh’s colors were red and white, not black and blue. How could this have happened? Kaveh is strong and smart, Alhaitham can’t think of how he could have ended up like this.
Well, he can. He just doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to think about the brutality Kaveh had to have endured, to be covered head to toe in bandages after a week in the hospital. For Kaveh to be unable to breathe on his own, a ghastly tube shoved down his throat to do it for him.
The conversation the doctor had with him on the second day echoes in his mind.
“Mr. Alhaitham? It states here that while you have power of attorney over his medical care, he does have a living will… his body has been through a lot and we… don’t have high expectations of recovery. His will states he does not want life support past a week.”
A week. That’s how long Alhaitham has sat in this room watching over his roommate, the man he loves but had never been able to tell. The doctors told him to keep his expectations low, but he wouldn’t, even as the clock ran out. Kaveh had always found a way to surprise him, Kaveh surely wouldn’t disappoint him now.
“Kaveh, if I had known this was the only way for you to get proper rest, I would have kept my mouth shut.”
He thinks of all the things Kaveh could reply.
‘Oh, really? I doubt that, you’ve never been able to pass up an opportunity to berate me.’
Or maybe.
‘A proper rest? You call my death bed a proper rest? Really, where is your empathy?’
Alhaitham misses his voice. The way his pitch changes when Alhaitham pushes all the right, or wrong, buttons in an argument. What if he never hears that again?
He sits there for 4 more hours, holding Kaveh’s hand like it’s his own lifeline. He sees the nurses passing in the doorway in his peripheral vision. Vultures. He knows they’re waiting, just like he is, but their expectations were cruel.
He keeps talking to Kaveh, testing heated words against confessions. Anything to bring Kaveh back to him.
11pm comes and he finally starts to give in to the seed of dread that’s been building in his stomach since the first day he laid eyes on Kaveh after whatever happened.
“Kaveh… please… don’t leave me too. I’ve lost everyone else… come back to me.”
His eyes burn but he won’t let those tears fall, he can’t.
Minutes pass.
Agonizing. Long. Minutes.
Alhaitham’s vision tunnels, his ears ring and he tries to picture a life without Kaveh. He can’t. It’s not worth it.
More minutes.
It’s 11:45pm.
He has 15 minutes until the week is up.
15 minutes left with a breathing Kaveh.
5 more minutes pass and he finds his head laying on the bed as he clings to Kaveh’s hand, his fingers finding strange comfort in his weak pulse along his wrist.
Coughing. He hears coughing. A wretched gagging sound, it’s annoying. He looks for the source.
When he raises his head he sees red eyes looking around wildly.
Those beautiful red eyes. He lets go of Kaveh’s hand, startled.
Kaveh reaches up to try to pull the tube out and Alhaitham is quick to help, even with his shaking hands.
Kaveh continues to cough and gag as Alhaitham gently pulls the tube out. Kaveh takes a horribly wet breath and tries to speak.
“No, no. Don’t talk, here.”
Alhaitham gets him a cup of water and holds it to Kaveh’s lips. He takes a few small sips before he turns his head away. Alhaitham sets the cup down and stares at Kaveh. Everything feels surreal.
“I should- I’m going to go get the doctor.”
Alhaitham starts to walk away.
“No!”
Alhaitham freezes and turns back to Kaveh. That voice, it’s raspy and raw but it feels so good to hear. Kaveh weakly raises a hand to him.
“Stay. Please.”
“Okay, Kaveh, okay. I’ll stay. I’m here.”
He takes Kaveh’s hand once more, a strange feeling bubbles in his chest when the hand finally squeezes back.
Alhaitham watches Kaveh, his eyes never leaving his face as Kaveh blinks at the ceiling as if trying to wake up more. Kaveh finally find’s Alhaitham’s gaze and gives him a small smile.
“You look terrible, Haitham.”
Alhaitham laughs loudly, hysterically almost. Kaveh’s smile grows even though it looks a bit concerned. How like Kaveh to make such a comment after what he’s been through.
“I’m sure I do, Kaveh. I haven’t been able to look in my mirror for a week, I can only imagine.”
Kaveh stares at him for a few more seconds. It seems neither of them know what to say.
“Haitham, you’re crying. I’ve never seen you cry. Was it that bad?”
Alhaitham looks at him incredulously as he brings a hand up to touch his cheek. Sure enough there’s tears, a lot of them.
“Was it that bad? Seriously Kaveh? You were in a coma for a week. They didn’t think you would come back. Was it that bad? I don’t even know what happened to you. All I had was your battered body and the doctors telling me to give up.”
He stops his tangent in favor of taking a ragged breath himself, trying to stop the sobs before they start.
“Haitham…”
Alhaitham shakes his head.
“You were never supposed to see me cry, Kaveh. You’re never going to let me live this down, are you?”
He gives a wry smile that Kaveh mimics.
“There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love… I believe that is Washington Irving.”
Alhaitham looks at him bewildered before giving another hysterical chuckle.
“Before… if someone told me I would be in a world where I’m crying and you’re giving me quotes from famous authors, I wouldn’t have believed them… but now I’m just happy I’m in a world where you’re still here.”
Kaveh squeezes his hand and smiles. Even through the bruises covering his face, Alhaitham can see the blush on his face. He can also feel the blush crawling up his own neck.
“So which is it?”
“What?”
“The tears. Are they for overwhelming grief or unspeakable love?”
Alhaitham takes a breath, he should have seen that coming.
“Both.”
Kaveh pulls on his hand and Alhaitham sits on the bed next to him. Whispering a “sorry” when the movement makes Kaveh wince.
“There’s no reason to grieve now so… why don’t you speak it.”
Alhaitham looks back and forth between Kaveh’s eyes. This wasn’t the time or place that he had wanted to tell him, but he’ll do anything Kaveh asks of him for the rest of his life.
“Don’t leave me again.”
“I won’t.”
“I love you, Kaveh.”
“Good, because I love you, Alhaitham.”