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Marisa lay down on the veranda of the shrine. She only barely lifted her head up to keep an eye on Reimu, who was sweeping the leaves off the path. The setting sun provided a serene backdrop for the scene. The red-white shrine maiden of paradise was calmly performing a mundane task. To Marisa, there was nothing more beautiful than this picture. Marisa had always prided herself on creating flashy danmaku patterns, summoning colorful stars that could fill up the sky. But no matter how hard she tried, she never could create anything more pretty than Reimu and her effortless personality. There was an elegance to Reimu’s straightforward nature that was lost in Marisa’s flashiness. It hurt Marisa to know it was a bridge she could never cross, but at the same time, it inspired her.
Marisa never knew when she grew these feelings for Reimu. When she first met her, Marisa saw her flying, or in Reimu’s description floating, gracefully. The two were fighting, and of course, the never-ending talent of Reimu easily dispatched the ordinary Marisa. But despite that, Marisa still decided to become her friend. She would constantly visit the shrine, bothering Reimu. She always wondered why Reimu never just kicked her out. Maybe it was because she felt too bad to do so. Marisa sighed as she recalled the memories: a basic story of two loners with no parents who befriended each other because they had no one else.
For years, Marisa would make an effort to visit Reimu, going along with her failed business ventures or helping set up parties. She believed that she saw a side of Reimu that no one else in Gensokyo saw: a soft, caring side that Reimu tried to hide underneath a cold exterior. When Reimu was drunk, she would smile and laugh loudly with Marisa, and they would share their desires for the future. Reimu’s was always simple: get more visitors and relax. In contrast, Marisa always expressed grand ambitions, like the quest for immortality or becoming a master magician.
The love Marisa had for Reimu had grown for years, and she worried it would fester into a failed declaration to her. Reimu was the Hakurei shrine maiden after all: her duty in life was to provide balance to Gensokyo. There was no place for romance in such a life, and Marisa always felt as though just being her friend was already testing the limits of Reimu’s autonomy. So she would keep those feelings buried, not wanting to rock the boat. But the pressure really agonized her, and the concept of never sharing her feelings started to hurt just as much as a potential rejection.
Marisa ended her contemplation before the pain could get to her. Now, she would just enjoy the present. However, the present could be just as painful. She continued to watch Reimu. She really is beautiful . Marisa then saw Reimu’s lips start to move.
“Hey Marisa, I was thinking about setting up a banquet in a week. Mind helping me with that?”
The poetry of the scene was interrupted by reality: Marisa was not Reimu’s only friend, and there was a future in which this scene was over. Marisa sighed, “Sure. What do ya need help with?”
“If you could invite people…like you usually do.” Reimu added a bit of venom to that line since Marisa had a habit of inviting too many people without Reimu’s permission.
Marisa gave a fake chuckle, “It’s more fun with more people. More grub, more drinks, and more conversation.”
“If you say so.” Reimu said half-heartedly before returning to sweeping.
Marisa welcomed the silence that commenced the end of the conversation. She just wanted to live right now and worry about the future later. She saw the wind slightly ruffle Reimu’s sleeves. Her bangs would swing back and forth like a pendulum across her forehead. Reimu’s brown eyes were downcast, completely engrossed by her task. Marisa’s heart beat faster and faster. The pressure was starting to crack her psyche. She decided the future could wait; at this moment, all she wanted was a confirmation from Reimu.
Reimu was interrupted by Marisa violently walking up to her. Reimu asked, “What do you wan—,” before her eyes went up to Marisa’s. When she saw Marisa’s face, she saw a torrent of emotions expressed. Reimu sighed despondently at this image. Marisa was never one for subtlety, no matter how hard she tried. Her heart was always on her sleeve, and so Reimu knew all along what Marisa felt.
Marisa was in love with her. The looks she gave her, her constant visits to the shrine, and the nervous moods she would show when alone with her. Reimu always hoped that Marisa would grow out of it. Marisa knew better than almost anyone what the duties of the shrine maiden was. Reimu would constantly tell her, hoping that it would put out the fire in Marisa’s heart. But apparently, it only made it grow. Reimu gave another look at her face, and she grimaced at what she was going to have to tell her.
“Reimu…” Reimu closed her eyes, giving a deep breath in preparation for what was coming. “I love you.”
Marisa’s heart was on the verge of exploding and her mind was becoming hazy. In spite of all her judgment, she expressed her feelings to Reimu. Now all she could do was wait for Reimu’s reaction, but she already knew how it was going to end. That is why she never wanted to share her feelings.
Reimu gave a calming smile to try to alleviate Marisa’s pain, “Listen Marisa. You are my friend, and I sincerely care about you. But I cannot be in a romantic relationship with anyone.” Reimu gritted her teeth before continuing, “The closest thing to romance I am allowed is a brief, loveless stunt with a man to give birth to the next Hakurei miko.” Reimu’s eyes looked down, not being able to stand to see the pain on her friend’s face, “I’m sorry, Marisa.”
Marisa already knew this. She just had to have the reality told to her by Reimu. But there was one more thing she had to know before she could let this scene end.
“Was there ever a chance? Did you ever love me?” She asked this in a soft, almost broken voice.
Reimu looked back into her eyes but remained quiet. She looked as though she was on the verge of speaking, but the words never came out. She never thought of me that way. She has only seen herself as the hakurei shrine maiden, never giving herself room for those feelings. Marisa gave a false smile. “Never mind, Reimu. I’m sorry for laying this on you.”
Marisa went to sit on the veranda, wanting to be left alone in her feelings for a few minutes. Reimu watched her for a few seconds before reluctantly returning to her task, not knowing how to comfort her friend.
Marisa sat for a few minutes, before closing her eyes before saying, “Well, I guess I better be going to send out those invites.” She picked up her broom, mounted it, and flew away before Reimu could get a look at her face.
Marisa flew as fast as she could to Alice’s house, hoping that she would arrive before the feelings hit her. She landed in front of the immaculately kept western house. A well-organized array of daisies and tulips lining the edge of the house, windows that were cleaned ten times daily, and the smell of baked goods emanating from the chimney. Marisa sighed before knocking on the door, “Yo Alice, Marisa here.”
She heard grumbling and the sound of footsteps arriving at the door. The door opened, revealing a tall blonde woman, Alice Margatroid. Marisa always thought she was pretty: the appearance of a doll.
“Coming here at this hour? What is it you want?” Alice could always be a bit rough with her, which she could understand since Marisa was infamously annoying. At the moment, Alice’s disparaging comments were therapeutic for her since they burned away the romantic failure she felt at the shrine.
“Heya Alice, I just came to invite ya to a shrine banquet being held next week.” Marisa started to point her fingers together to mimic awkwardness. “Truth be told, we wanted some of your desserts.” Marisa tried to keep up her usual image, but the energy she typically carried was gone.
Alice could tell that something was off with Marisa, and though she found her annoying, she did consider her a friend.
“Is everything okay, Marisa?”
“Huh? Why would things not be okay?” Marisa gave a very unconvincing wink to Alice before the facade started to break. Alice stood still as she saw the tears start to form around Marisa’s eyes and as her smile turned into a frown. She suddenly started to cry uncontrollably, putting her hands in front of her eyes to hide her face from Alice.
“What happened?”
“I made a mistake.” Marisa pushed out between sobs.
Alice grabbed her hand to bring her inside. She sat her down at the kitchen table, handing her a handkerchief to wipe off the tears and snot. She sat opposite Marisa, waiting for Marisa to compose herself before asking for more details.
After five minutes of start-and-stop sobbing, Marisa finally looked ready to talk. She looked into Alice’s eyes with a despondency that Alice had never seen from Marisa before.
“I told Reimu I loved her. I knew it was stupid, I knew what she would say. And yet I did it.”
Alice did not know what to say, she grasped for anything, “What did she say?”
“She said that the Hakurei shrine maiden could not be in love.” Marisa looked down, “She tried her best to comfort me as she turned me down. Now I feel bad for her since I placed all this on her.”
“It’s going to be okay, Marisa. I’m sure she would still be your friend.” Alice gave a serious look to Marisa, hoping that her words would hit her.
Marisa felt bad about what she was doing to Alice now. In truth, Marisa did see Alice as a close friend and someone she could get close to. They were both alone in the forest, magicians who just wanted to become masters at their craft. There were days when they would hang out with each other, trying to help with experiments or research. Marisa would constantly annoy her during these visits, but Alice did not seem to mind too much. Reimu may have been her best friend, but Alice was someone she could always relate to the closest.
And now Marisa was laying all her pain on Alice, who was probably just relaxing when she arrived.
“I’m sorry, Alice. I should not have forced all this on you.”
“Don’t worry about it. Having these feelings is normal and you should not be ashamed to share them.”
Marisa gave a slight laugh upon hearing this advice. She started to remember earlier visits with Alice. There had always been a hue of romantic tension that existed between the two. Alice would never push her away and seemed to enjoy her company. They could spend all day together just talking. Marisa started to wonder if their relationship could bloom past friends, but Marisa was always more concerned about Reimu to start developing deep feelings for others.
Now she sat staring at the puppeteer, starting to appreciate her features. She chuckled internally at the irony. I might have fallen for her if I had not put myself in an impossible situation. Who knows, maybe those feelings might have been reciprocated. But that moment had passed. Marisa was too late.
Marisa gave a deep breath, “Enough about me, how are things between you and Patchouli?” Yes…while Marisa was pining away at another girl, Alice developed her own feelings and relationship with another. Marisa was shocked when she heard about it; Alice and Patchouli did not seem like the type to get along with each other. But now when analyzing the situation, it made sense: they were both youkai magicians who could be with each other for decades longer than a human could.
That’s right, Marisa was still a human. She was afraid of becoming a youkai magician because of the pain it would cause Reimu. Reimu would have been forced to exterminate her, and Marisa could not bear doing that to her friend. Marisa never had a chance with Alice either. It was always just wishful thinking.
“Oh, things are going well between us. In fact, I visited her earlier today, and we had a relaxing tea party in the library.” Alice did not want to give too many romantic details, knowing that it would probably give Marisa pain after Reimu’s rejection.
“That’s good, that’s good.” Marisa put on her usual face, “Well, sorry to bother ya. Banquet is still happening, so I hope to see you there, with your desserts of course.” Marisa winked before walking out of the house, her solemn footsteps betraying her conflicted feelings.
The banquet was as popular as always. Marisa did her usual good job of inviting too many people. There were representatives from the Netherworld, Scarlet Devil Mansion, Former Hell, and even New Hell. They all sat happily across the shrine grounds, conversing amongst each other and drinking away. Marisa, for her part, sat alone at the edge of the gathering. She usually always had company around her, but she was emanating an energy that indicated she did not want to have anyone talk to her. She was more than content to sit alone, sulking.
In between sips of her drink, she gave glances at Alice. She was sitting happily beneath the shade of a tree, with Patchouli at her side. They were both deep in conversation, smiling and laughing all the way through. They looked happy together–two magicians discussing their successes. Those two have never seemed the type to enjoy contact, but they sat close to each other, with only the most miniscule gap keeping them from resting their bodies on each other. Marisa looked at the scene, not feeling any particular way. She probably just became numb to the situation.
She then looked at what Reimu was doing. Sure enough, she was sitting at the center of it all: dozens of youkai and gods would walk up to her and start a quick chat. Reimu and her guests were smiling all along, and everyone looked happy around her. This is what truly hurt Marisa: everyone else could be happy just being friends with her. Marisa wanted more than that. She wanted to experience mutual romance with her. And though she could say all she wanted about how she would still be friends with Reimu after her confession, the mood changed.
And so Marisa sat there, alone. I guess this was to be expected for a loner magician like me, this is just the natural state. She returned to drinking, hoping that one day normalcy would return.