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1.
Careful but insistent touches on his shoulder guided him gingerly out of the realm of dreams. Jing Yuan tried to get away from them by rolling his body on the soft grass, until someone stopped him by grabbing the collar of his shirt.
“Yingxing-ge, good morning”, Jing Yuan meowled, opening his eyes.
Yingxing looked down at him, his brow half furrowed and his arms crossed over his chest. He was so adorable when he tried to look angry. Compared to Master Jingliu, Yingxing looked like an aggravated stray kitten. And Jing Yuan had a lot of experience regarding stray kittens.
“It's two in the afternoon”, Yingxing ignored him. “Do you know how worried I was when you didn't show up at the dining room?”
The morning fencing training had ended at ten in the morning. His history teacher had gotten sick the night before eating spoiled oysters, so Jing Yuan had decided to take advantage of the time with his favorite pastime: napping.
The place he chose was ideal. Among the ginkgo trees in General Teng Xiao's private garden, far enough away that he could not be seen, in the shade of the golden canopies and the green bushes. No one other than Yingxing would think or could look for him in a place so brazen and at the same time so well hidden.
“It's time for lunch?”, he asked innocently.
Stretching out on the grass, he patted the patch of grass by his side fluttering his eyelashes dramatically. Yingxing held his gaze for about forty seconds before sighing and sitting down obediently on the grass. He lasted less and less, Jing Yuan absently noted.
“Mmh, fifteen minutes ago”, the child pointed out, his tone much more relaxed than when he came. “What are you doing sleeping on the grass anyway?”
“I was meditating when the sun rose and I got sleepy…”
“And what if someone had tried to attack you?”
No one would dare sneak into the general's private garden. Yingxing should know that. And apart from that, although his swordsmanship skills could never reach the level of his teacher with his talent, that did not mean that Jing Yuan was a total negate.
At his short thirteen years of age he had surpassed soldiers much older than him. Not to mention that he had been blessed by the lighting at a fairly young age by Luofu standards.
That Yingxing cared about him like that, even in that tsundere way he had, made the immortal's heart beat a little faster than normal.
He pulled the other teen's shoulder to throw him to the ground and trap him in a bear hug. Yingxing yelled a couple of light-hearted complaints trying to get out of his grasp, the only thing he earned being Jing Yuan laughing out aloud.
They both began to roll on the grass, a fight of egos, no doubt staining their prestigious uniforms. Yingxing was the most accomplished of Jingliu's disciples, but the task he had in mind was not to kill but to get rid of an excessively sticky stubborn octopus. When Yingxing managed to get rid of one arm, the other would wrap around his waist, and when he got rid of both, one leg would tangle with his own.
In the end Yingxing abandoned his original plan and pinned Jing Yuan to the ground, caging the other’s neck with his arm while putting his knee on his back. Needless to say, the fight was decided the time he committed to that decision.
“I don't even know why I'm trying to be nice with someone like you, I shouldn't have gone looking around for you and let you starve alone”, Yingxing lamented, acting annoyed with him again but unable to contain the smile on his face.
Jing Yuan hummed, closing his eyes and relaxing his body. The grip Yingxing had on him was strangely comfortable. He knew the type of hold that Yingxing was using against him from first experience, and Yingxing's grip was so delicate compared to how it should be properly done. Firm but careful, if Jing Yuan had to describe it.
The familiar slumber of sleep began to envelop him again. He rested his left cheek against the cool grass, his eyelids closing against his consent. Yingxing's skin was warm even with the layers of clothing between them.
“Sleep with me a little?”, he managed to mumble half awake. “This way, Yingxing-ge can protect me if someone comes to attack me.”
Yingxing pinched his other cheek forcefully before settling by his side. A gust of wind blew causing the fragile leaves of the ginkgos to begin to rain on both of them.
“If we end up skipping lunch, it's going to be your fault”, was the only thing he gave him in response. Not that the boy could care. After all, Jing Yuan didn’t hear him anymore, small sighs coming out of his mouth while he slept.
2.
“Where are you going…?”
His voice was hoarse from sleep and his vision was half blurred from just getting up, but Jing Yuan made an effort and half-crawled across the bed. His tired muscles protested, screaming for one more hour of rest before dealing with the day. Jing Yuan wished he could allow it.
Just as he reached the end of Yingxing's jacket with the tips of his fingers, Yingxing stood up from the edge of the bed. Lilac eyes like the sunset looked down at him with disdain. Jing Yuan gave him a tender smile while lying on the mattress.
“Some of us have to work”, spat flatly Yingxing, buttoning his black jacket.
Yingxing had grown into such a bitter adult. The few smiles that did the honor of appearing on his face once in an eternity were mostly biting if not straight-up shit-eating. Age (he was still twenty, by all the aeons) had given him a kind of anxiety that he fed himself, a kind of uneasiness that someone like him could never understand.
It was the perfect breeding ground for a disaster, or so he was told by the higher ups. Lately the elders were acting too elderly. They had begun to warn his master and him about the mortal, began to ask caution and a watchful eye. Dan Feng would never tell him about it, but he was sure the Preceptors also nagged him about similar things.
Nevertheless, Jing Yuan had never been so enamored with the shooting star. The flame that burned inside his eyes shone the brightest among all of them. His egoistical side that only the mortal could awoke couldn’t wait to see what the ramifications of his future would lead to.
“So rude to poor Yuan Yuan”, the albino sighed dramatically. “Poor Yuan Yuan, mistreated by his devilish boyfriend when Yuan Yuan only wants love.”
“Yuan Yuan's fiendish boyfriend is going to end up killing poor Yuan Yuan if he doesn’t shut up.”
Yingxing turned around, and picking up a pillow, playfully pretended to suffocate Jing Yuan. The albino only laughed in response, letting him smother him.
Yingxing had grown into someone with a horrible personality, but he still indulged him to a fault, as well as cared with his whole heart about the whole High Cloud Quintet. At the end of the day, he was a good man. Probably a better human Jing Yuan could ever be. The lieutenant wasn’t worried about what he could do as the others were, as he knew that he could never self-destruct if in the process he had to harm others around him.
After seeing that he wouldn't fight back, Yingxing dropped his plan with the pillow, letting his body fall on top of the other. The strong arms of his lover enveloped him like a second blanket, making Jing Yuan wish he had trained more with the sword instead of complaining to his master about why he had to train with it.
Jing Yuan felt soft kisses being placed on his neck, a tired voice murmuring in his ear. His Yingxing gave up so easily when it came to him.
“I have to go.”
“Mmh, you have to go,” Jing Yuan repeated like a parrot.
The albino intertwined one of his hands with the other's.
“I'm serious.”
“Very serious,” Jing Yuan insisted, twisting his neck so he could kiss him.
The breath of the mortal hitched, his hands wandering in less innocent places with the intent of marking them. Gazing at his eyes, Jing Yuan thought, who was he to stop a moth flying to the sun?
That day, predictably, Yingxing ended up having to run to maintain his spotless check-in at work.
3.
Jing Yuan felt like he was floating. Everything was dark, but dark in a comfortingly familiar way. The place was touchingly quiet. Warm, too. Jing Yuan wouldn't hate to stay in that place forever.
A powerful electric current tore him from that place.
“He woke up!”
“Yingxing-xiansheng! Lieutenant Jing Yuan has awakened!”
The nurse's screams penetrated Jing Yuan's poor ears giving him a headache. He was lucky that she and her screamings were lost in the hallways as she walked away. The vidyadhara doctor smiled at him empathetically, taking off her gloves and leaving them on the material table.
“Lieutenant Jing Yuan”, she began to say, “do you recognize that name?”
The recognition questions, Jing Yuan guessed with a dull mind. He must have received a really bad blow if they saw the need to do it to someone like him.
“It's me.”
His voice came out raspy and almost painful from his dry throat. The doctor handed him a glass of water without him having to ask, from which he took a small sip that burned on the way down. A cup of sweet osmanthus wine would suit him better than any other liquid they could offer him.
“Good. Who is the current Commander?”
“Commander Fu Hua”, he managed to say after clearing out his throat the best he could.
The doctor entertained herself by taking a notebook and writing down his answers. Meanwhile, a new assistant nurse entered the room, silently helping Jing Yuan back up.
The albino looked towards the large window in the room while answering. He must have been transported to the Alchemy Commission, in the Luofu, if his memory served him correctly. Which made him wonder how long it had been since he had passed out on the battlefield. The planet that the Xianzhou forces were fighting on was several thousand light years away.
“4 x 7?”
“28.”
The doctor's pen gave one last flick to the paper before being tucked back into her jacket.
"As expected of the lieutenant", she said with no emotion in her words. “One last question to finish, do you know why you are here?”
Because he had lost the fight, though he hoped not the battle. Although Jing Yuan supposed that it was somewhat eerie that he himself had acted so calmly after being basically revived. It was only that the lieutenant, even though he was barely thirty years old, had woken up too many times in places he didn't recognize to be too surprised.
“The last thing I remember is… fighting against something big. But I don't remember the details of what it was. A boirisin, I suppose.”
“Don't worry, Lieutenant Jing Yuan”, the medic seemed to agree with him, calling her assistant to follow her. “It is normal for patients like you to have blurred memories after suffering that kind of trauma. Everything seems to work correctly. We'll keep you under observation for a few days and then you'll be able to go home as soon as you fill out a form.”
And with those words she left the room, no doubt going to attend to more patients. Her calmness made it unnecessary to ask if they had won the battle against the boirisin. No matter how professional Luofu's medical force was, Jing Yuan could always detect a hint of hatred in their gazes when one of his strategies had been especially cruel.
He didn't have much time to reorganize his thoughts, because as soon as the doctor left, a familiar figure entered to replace her.
“Jing Yuan!”
Yingxing looked horrible. And he wasn’t talking about the dark circles under his eyes, his tired face, or his uncoordinated clothing, but rather his expression of total restlessness. Someone like him should only smile arrogantly and confidently to the sun, exclaiming how bright the future ahead would be.
“Jing Yuan…”
Blinking slowly, Jing Yuan focused on the man in front of him. His worried expression had deepened, and Jing Yuan felt a sliver of guilt.
“I'm fine.”
His hands ached wanting to touch the other after so long away from him. However, when Jing Yuan's fingers brushed against Yingxing's clothes, the man walked away from him angrily.
“No, you are not fine! I know what you did! You planned from the beginning for the enemy to attack you so that my group could take the base!”
Jing Yuan couldn’t remember it, but that sounded like something he would do. The logical and easiest option involved in most occasions luring the enemy with a bait they couldn’t ignore. A new seemingly young and inexperienced lieutenant, for example.
“Yingxing. It is alright. I am alive.”
The albino went to try to hug Yingxing again. This time, the other did not make him beg and obediently settled his head on Jing Yuan's lap, mindful of his wounds.
“What would have happened if I had lost you in this stupid war?”, the mortal began to say, voice muffled. “How much longer am I going to have to suffer every time I see you leave? How many times are you going to use yourself as bait until you finally become a martyr?”
Jing Yuan let him cry, stroking his back as best he could. He couldn't answer him anything, because he couldn't falsely promise that he would never make him worry again.
Lieutenant Jing Yuan was just another pawn in the war against abundance. A pawn who had feelings and a life of his own, but a pawn nonetheless. It would be hypocritical to treat himself preferentially while sending so many people to their deaths.
"I'm sorry", was the only thing he allowed himself to say as an answer.
“You are not sorry.”
“Yes I am. I'm very sorry I made you sad.”
The light trembling that Yingxing had began to cease, lulled away by Jing Yuan’s caresses.
“If this war did not exist… If only the Arbor…”
Jing Yuan shushed him. There was no point of thinking about the impossible. The war had existed long before Jing Yuan had been born, as did the Arbor.
“The war is not infinite”, Jing Yuan reassured. “Someday it will end, as everything has to end at some point, okay?”
Yingxing didn’t answer him. Head still on his lap, he stared at something invisible for Jing Yuan, staying silent for a very long time.
4.
Yingxing had arrived home.
Jing Yuan had his eyes closed and was wrapped in the blankets of his bed, but he could have recognized the sound of those footsteps in any situation. The sound of footsteps, and the feel of the lips against his forehead.
“Sorry for waking you up.”
He opened his eyes, a scathing reply on the tip of his tongue, when he noticed the desolate expression Yingxing carried.
Since Baiheng's sacrifice, a part of Yingxing had died with her. His appearances around his beloved forge had become few and far between as he became busier with matters no one should know about. The fire that burned inside him, the same fire that Jing Yuan foresaw would one day consume him, had gone out, leaving a haunting darkness in its place.
Before all that, Jing Yuan had doubted what would happen if the flame that attracted him so much disappeared. After seeing him like that, after seeing him burn away not like a supernova but like a simple candle, Jing Yuan had the relief of knowing that his love would always stay. Because Yingxing may not have been the man he fell in love with once, but he was the one he loved now.
"It's fine, Yingxing." He softened his voice as much as he could. “Do you want to sleep with me tonight?”
Jing Yuan felt guilty. He couldn't share his suffering on the same level as him, he couldn’t empathize or accompany him in this specific journey. It was frustrating and he knew that he was being insensitive. The look that Yingxing gave him after announcing her death and seeing his lack of response still haunted him in his dreams.
However, if Jing Yuan allowed himself to get lost, if he allowed himself to mourn her death, who would be left to take care of Yingxing? Of the Luofu? Jing Yuan couldn't let himself be consumed by the mara just yet. At least not when so many people depended on him.
“No… I… I was just wondering if you would want to share a drink with me.”
His gaze fell on the glass bottle in the other’s hand. On the label it read "osmanthus wine”, Jing Yuan's favorite. A sweet taste for what he hoped would be a sweet ending.
He carefully took the bottle in his own hands, weighing it. Jing Yuan had developed immunity against most narcotics as well as poisons during his training as an elite soldier, but he figured that if Dan Feng was involved then one cup would be enough to put him to sleep all night.
"It's unbecoming of you to offer such a good wine", he played along, evening his voice. “Normally you would say something along the lines of “it's bad for your health” of something like that.”
The fake laugh he forced from his lungs sounded creepily natural. When had he started lying as easily as breathing? Since when had his emotions become so dulled that betrayal seemed the right course?
“Today… Jing Yuan, I-”
Yes, he knew it.
“Ssh.”
No, he wasn't going to stop him. As the Xianzhou native that he was, Jing Yuan couldn't afford to suffer Baiheng's death like he could. This time he couldn't afford to follow his footsteps in the same way that he had tried to do for his entire life. The only thing Jing Yuan could afford was to close his eyes, pray for him, and pick up the pieces in case something went wrong.
That and hope that, in the future, Yingxing could understand that his inaction came from his deepest affection for him and everyone in the Quintet. Someone had to become their lighthouse.
"It's fine", Jing Yuan repeated, the eyes of his lover darkening. “You don’t have to say anything for me to understand.”
+1.
The injuries caused by the war against Phantylia still caused him trouble moving. Generally speaking, Jing Yuan had been quite lucky and the doctors had agreed that his mara had not worsened. They had also agreed, this time more reservedly, that his position as a general might be too much of a burden for his current status.
Jing Yuan was not overly concerned about the damage Phantylia might have caused him. He knew that any physical injury he could have suffered paled in comparison to the blow that his soul had suffered when he saw those two ghosts from the past.
Dan Feng had always been kind to Jing Yuan. He had always been on his best behavior within reason when with him, so hating him had been impossible for him once the events of the Sedition unfolded. Even his current self had been unbearably merciful, giving him the privilege of a sweet closure and a tentative new beginning.
Blade, on the other hand…
“Do you know how much I hate you?”, he asked to the nothingness, his voice too sweet to really mean it.
Upon returning from his glorified office, Jing Yuan had never expected the presence of a certain black-haired man dozing in his bed.
Jing Yuan really hated Blade. He hated him almost with the same intensity with which he had once loved his past self. Because Blade was the embodiment of past failures, a temple to fallen heroes and the lost fight against abundance. A cursed figure to whom Jing Yuan could profess nothing but the deepest hatred and affection.
If only Blade could be his own person, if only he could forget everything by abandoning the past just like Dan Heng had done… Jing Yuan was sure that “General Jing Yuan” could come to love him properly again. It would be so much easier for him.
He knelt on the floor next to the bed. Blade's chest rose and fell almost imperceptibly, his hair a stark contrast against the pastels of the sheets. His young features made Jing Yuan feel old.
Jing Yuan hated him from the bottom of his heart, mostly because he was also a reminder of his own cowardice. He would love to chase the current Blade just as Blade chases his demise. To accompany him and be able to witness the end of a cycle since he was not able to see the beginning. But leaving the Luofu would mean becoming a criminal, and Jing Yuan was aware that the Blade from before would never allow him to stain himself in that way.
Jing Yuan, for the better and the worse, had become a beacon of light. There was a purity that he had to protect, if not for Jing Yuan himself, for him. (For him and for Jingliu, wherever she was. Jing Yuan hoped that dead.)
“How long?”
He glanced at his wrist watch.
"Two hours", the general answered, "forty-three minutes, twenty seconds, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four..."
The creature in his bed stood up, abandoning the sheets. Ebony eyelashes gave way to bloody orbs, a far cry of the purple sky blue the one who he once called his had.
“Do you remember me?”
The words left Jing Yuan's throat before he could think of them. It was something instinctual, a way of self-protection. Every time he received a glare instead of a soft gaze his heart suffered less.
Blade shook his head, one hand running through his own hair wearily. The mara, Jing Yuan guessed. Just as Jing Yuan hated Blade, Jing Yuan was aware that Blade also despised him on similar terms. Jing Yuan did nothing so he was the villain. Jing Yuan did nothing so he was the saint.
"You're going to make my head explode if you keep asking me that every time you see me", groaned the abomination. “Do you think I would have asked you that if I hadn't remembered you?”
The albino grabbed the bed sheets with his fist. He didn't know.
Jing Yuan didn't know, and he had long since stopped knowing.
"Mmh, you're right, just wanted to make sure, I'm sorry," he said instead of his thoughts.
“Stop apologizing so much.”
Behind him he heard footsteps walking towards the door. He was going to leave again. He was going to leave again and Jing Yuan was going to let him go again.
“Wait”, Jing Yuan muttered under his breath. “Could you kiss me before you go?”
His words were barely heard by himself, but the other person in the room must have heard them clearly. No, more than clearly, the other person in the room heard them before they were uttered.
Jing Yuan knew it, because in another display of selfishness, Blade obliged him with a chaste touch of lips. Not enough to be considered a real one, not enough to make Jing Yuan doubt his existence, and much more than Jing Yuan could have wished for. Perfectly fitting for someone like him.
“Take care, Jing Yuan.”
(Don’t die. Don’t die until everything has finished and the dust has settled. Jing Yuan may not have the same kind of immortality that Blade was cursed with, but what he didn’t have in complexion he had in self-will.)
Jing Yuan did not dare to ask when they would meet again. He didn't need to know.
Their destinies were intrinsically intertwined from the moment they met. Jing Yuan was certain that they would meet again in the future, whether in a few years or millennia, he left it to the hands of fate. What was a century or so for someone who had already waited for so long?
And if they didn't meet again in this life, Jing Yuan was sure that they would do it in the next.
Until then, Jing Yuan closed his eyes and laid his head on the bed mattress, Mimi's purrs in some corner of the room guiding him to the world of dreams. Until then, he touched the red ribbon that tied his hair, breathed in what was left of Blade's lily scent.
Until then, Jing Yuan would sleep; and with luck, they would meet again in dreams. For Jing Yuan that was enough.